Lingering Break-Ups and Moving On

Have you ever been in a relationship that your heart was not ready to let go? However, logically speaking your mind knew that the relationship was not uplifting you in any capacity but rather debilitating? You know you should let go and move on, you know it! But, somewhere you’re still holding on emotionally and mentally, maybe even physically. I just had an epiphany yesterday that this is me. I’m still trying to get over a relationship and I believe I hid my feelings under a rug or keep trying to bury it in a shallow space that keeps re-surfacing. I go in roller coaster cycles, sometimes I’m doing great and sometimes I realize I’m in a funk. But what’s keeping me in this space? I forget not to be so hard on myself sometimes because I guess this is part of the healing process. I have to believe that time will heal all my lingering emotions and wounds. I have to believe that one day all this will leave my inner space and because I’ve been through break-ups before, I know it will. I came across a piece that stated it best about relationships ending and it’s beautiful so please read below:

 

“The last words we speak to a loved one can color a whole relationship, leaving a sour taste in ones mouth where there could have been only love... even when we close a relationship, if we can close it with love, we can acknowledge the gifts we received, the experience we gained, allowing for the healing process to begin and quicker resolution for all involved...

 

 In the accelerated consciousness so many of us move quickly through relationships, so its important for us to understand the nature of closure from a spiritual perspective. As the lessons are learned and the karma cleared, many Souls choose to part company and move on to another chapter. This has nothing to do with failure, or with one person or the other being the bad guy, even if the universe may choose to assist us in moving forward by creating some drama or event. The event is often just a cue that the time has come to pack ones bags and move onto a new level of learning, alone or with another Soul.

 

 Relationships end for all sorts of reasons but often they end because we have been successful in learning what our two Souls came together to learn. Closing relationships with love, with honor for all that was gained, is therefore a wonderful way to acknowledge the gift of the completed relationship at the Soul level. It allows us karmic completion, the gift of an open heart and the readiness for what lies ahead. As we respect each other Soul to Soul, as we see each other from the Soul level, we can acknowledge the blessings, and move on.

 

 This does not mean that there are not tears or grieving. At a very human level, we grieve the companions that we leave behind on the road. Every time there is a separation, at a very human level there is grief, because on this plane, we long for the eternal closeness that we have as Souls. Because at the Soul level, nothing ever ends and our love is eternal and something in us feels cheated by the temporary separation of the earthly realms, as we are called to sever ties and move on.

 

 And then there is the tender inner child. Inner children do not understand the need to move on. They bond and want to keep the bond. And if our inner children have suffered the pain of separation from their parents, and carry abandonment wounds or rejection/neglect wounds from childhood, these separations can become very painful indeed. It is at these times that we are called to do deep inner work. It is at these times that we have the opportunity and the need to reach for the wounds within and heal all that is hurting inside. So that we may finally heal the old and close old chapters of hurt for good.

 

 Ironically this may be the very gift endings, even the bad ones. As every unhealed wound we carry inside is a blockage to the love that we can feel, can express and can give in our completeness. Every wound that we carry is a barrier to the expansion of the heart chakra into all that it can be. So a broken heart can indeed break us open, if we refuse to wall up, but dare instead to embrace the intensity of the pain. If we dare to not defend our heart, but rather open it so we may feel all of it, the old and the new pain, and cry until we are cleansed to the core.

 

 And sometimes endings are not really endings, but pauses, during which we part for a while to learn more about ourselves, carry out more of our mission, develop individually what we can’t develop together. At other times endings wind down slowly, usually when the lesson is not quite complete and some karma still remains to be cleared. At other times yet, the ending has occurred, but still much processing happens, months after the fact, as we integrate all that was learned or meditate on what went wrong. In the latter case, what we are doing is healing and taking stock. Something inside really got stirred up by the experience with this other and some time is needed to make sense of it all and patch up all the pieces torn asunder, so we may get clearer about who we are, what we need, and evolve into a different stage of life, often by pointing the arrow of our intention in a new direction.

 

 Relationships for many is how we evolve. We bond, we love, we exchange reflections with another, we discover about ourselves. In the initial phases of life, relationships are almost always exercises in inner child healing and karma balancing. But as we evolve, they become the pathway through which we get to see and reclaim parts of our Soul. And if it is in our contact to be with another so called Soul mate, we eventually get to travel in balance for a while, deepening the extent to which we can love. Opening further and further, daring to get more and more vulnerable, so that the light of the divine can shine through our transparent hearts in a sacred union with another.

 

 But even in this instance, sometimes the chapters of love are more than one. Just because we had a soul mate and completed with that Soul, this does not mean that we will not have another and experience Soul Love again. As in truth at the Soul level, we are all one, all a reflection of another. There are so many ways in which we can experience Soul level love. So many Souls with which to create infinite symphonies of love and with whom to bond.So many variation of expression as no two Souls are the same and the blending potential is infinite in its promise. Know that there is never a separation between Souls that does not happen by Soul agreement. If your relationship has completed, allow for the grieving to occur, but do not mistrust the rightness of what is occurring and do not feel that doors are closing in unfair ways. If the door has closed, it’s for the highest good that it has. And a new door will open when enough healing has occurred for it to be the right time.

 

 If you are grieving the departure of a loved one, ask for the love of the divine and cosmic realms to come and patch up your heart and inner child so you may expand and eventually love more. If you are angry about the unfairness or betrayal of another, ask for healing and work towards accepting what is and moving on. How others treat you is their karma, but how we react is ours. Strive to find peace and acceptance and eventually forgiveness for what has occurred. Remember that even when communication breaks down, it is always possible to heal relationships at the Soul level, by talking Soul to Soul. Intend for the healing to occur and it will. Aim towards harboring no resentment, after the initial natural anger has passed.

 

 But most of all treat yourself gently during this phase. Give yourself the love the Earth plane is temporarily denying you and treat yourself with tenderness and compassion. Take whatever time you need to grieve and heal. As you up yourself love and hug your inner child in this way, your love attracting potential will increase, bringing to you someone that loves you just as you are, with all your vulnerabilities, just as you now love yourself. It is something to look forward to indeed.

 

 May you be cleansed, healed and transformed by your endings. May your heart grow larger and more beautiful.  May your Soul grow wiser and more forgiving. May your self love and self acceptance grow supreme. And may you soon be ready to love again, with even more wisdom and passion, knowing that shedding people and skins is a very natural consequence of a fast evolving path.

 

 May you thrive in beauty.

 

 Namaste.”

 

(http://cosmicperspectives.blogspot.com/2010/07/soul-relationships-endings.html)

How Can We Rise?

Why do we hate amongst each other instead of congratulate? I have so many peoples of mine who are non-supportive….these are real situations going on in my community. Why is that? How come we cannot at times thoroughly support each other? How come we either ignore the accomplishments of our friends/families/peers and act sideways? Is jealously that deep? That raw? As Natives, we are so far and in between, but we have to hate that deep? Oh she pretty…..we don’t like her. Oh she educated…..we don’t like her. Oh she dresses well….we don’t like her. Oh she has a nice body….we don’t like her. Oh she not Native enough……we don’t like her. Oh she this and she that and whatever! Get over it! Stop hatin! Your sister probably awesome. Your cousin probably awesome. Your friend probably awesome. Everyone probably awesome. Maybe you may say she is but by you not supporting also means something. I personally support all my peoples and all my sisters, brothers, fam, and friends who are doing wonderful things because they deserve it!! Have I had the same virtue…it’s relative. Regardless I still love they hatin selves. I would give them the shirt off my back but I question if they would do the same? I support my people. Sometimes I wish they do the same. It's a negative epidemic ongoing in our communities. It’s cool, I know who does care, and that’s all I need. I know who loves me. Supports me. Someone important told me that a lot of people close to me are not real, they will criticize me behind closed doors, want me to not be successful, and are not supportive. That person told me to have thick skin. That person told me they love me, no matter what. Real talk. This all sensitive talk tho and I believe a lot of people may feel uncomfortable with this conversation. We hold ourselves down a lot of the times instead of uplift each other. If the people close to you choose to criticize you and not support you, no matter who they are, keep it moving and DO YOU! Life is too short for all this unnecessary drama. Regardless if it's family, friends, or whomever....Just another one of the challenges us Native women go through. The crab syndrome: meaning when you try to get out of a bucket all the other crabs try to pull you back down. It seems sometimes our own Native peeps don't want us to succeed. 

A male BFF

I have a male best friend. We became best friends because I met him through a former bestie of mine (me and that former bestie are no longer friends) and they used to date, kinda. My male BFF lives in the south and when I temporarily lived in the south he helped me out a lot by; taking me grocery shopping (I did not have a car), cooking for me, staying at his house on weekends, doing my laundry at his house, taking me to his buddy’s cookouts, etc. From that point on our friendship grew extra tight. I started calling him a LOT so he could give me relationship advice about all the knuckleheads I was dating. In fact, I still call him for random advice. He knows everything about me from my best to my worst! He’s college educated, tall, handsome, employed with a 401(K), good credit, no kids, and a homeowner. Sounds good on paper, right? We have lightly talked about how male/female friendships are difficult because someone may be attracted or develop romantic feelings for the other person. In reality, can you be best friends with the opposite sex if you’ve met them after the age of 25? I can understand if you’ve been friends since childhood, but if you’ve met in adulthood, then can true friendship exist without any of the romantic intentions? Or eventually will someone think or feel something outside those friendship boundaries? Last night I called my male BFF and asked him if he loved me (not in a romantic way but as a friend) and mind you, my male BFF is NOT a expressive man, in fact, he’s kind of emotionless. He told me, “Yes Bushy, I love you.” I was actually shocked he answered my question (lol) because we’ve been friends for 8 years and he rarely verbally expresses any kind of sentimental emotions. However, his actions do show he cares about me because I call him all hours of the night with a 3 hour time difference between us and he almost always answers my phone calls. He'll listen to me cuss, cry, vent, and blabber. Sometimes I talk about girl stuff and I wonder why he'll stay on the phone with me for as long as he does because he's a dude, and dudes don't normally do this, especially guys like him. I think we’ve both thought at some point “what if” we both crossed the line? Would our friendship be the same? Of course not, because once those lines have been crossed, then that door will always be open. I can’t imagine losing our friendship. I don’t want to put our friendship in jeopardy by doing/saying something that will make it awkward.

Dialogue between me, myself, and I.

This dialogue is not about a dialogue between me and a dude, but it’s strictly between me and myself and MAYBE between me and my community. As many of you may or may not know my tribe is going through some turmoil. In a nutshell, we are amidst of our tribal candidacy to elect the future Navajo Nation President and one of the main criteria is that the candidate speak fluent Navajo, which is our tribal law. One candidate is deemed as a young, innovative, educated man, but does not speak Navajo. The other is deemed as older, not with the times, a failed tribal leader being a previous Navajo Nation President, but speaks Navajo. Today my tribal court system stated the younger candidate cannot run for Navajo Nation Presidency due to his lack of speaking fluent Navajo. This has granted and enhanced a lot of dialogue. Personally, it is not about politics in my opinion.

In my personal position I have similar credentials as the young man who is running for tribal president. I am about to receive a Ph.D, passionate and knowledgeable about many issues facing our nation, experience in addressing such issues, and can definitely speak the “White” man language in an articulate demeanor, etc... However, would I never consider myself a true leader? I answer my own question as “No.” I only state this because I know where my weaknesses lie. In terms of being a tribal leader, bottom line is I do NOT speak fluent Navajo. I have recognized this as a huge barrier of granting MYSELF a true leadership position in a lot of capacities…not on anyone else’s standards, but merely my own. One time I went home and my cousin asked me, “How can you be a true leader if you do not speak the language? When you go into ceremonies and the songs and prayers and teachings are spoken, how do you interpret, understand or dialogue?” I cried. I was hurt. Even now I cry because she is right. I’ve also heard a lot in White man’s education that the fastest way to kill a culture is kill the language first. This made me think as to why the U.S. government stripped a lot of languages in Indigenous communities, because they knew it would eventually kill the culture and was a smart move on their part because it worked. In essence you cannot have culture without language. Language and culture are interchangeable. How can you speak to the world as a Native person if you cannot speak to yourself, family, water, mother earth, sky, animals, and our ancestors innately if it’s not in our own language? Language is medicine. Culture is our medicine.

In my heart and I will look at myself first in the mirror everyday and say to anyone who cannot speak their own language is probably not fit to be a leader, including ME.  A leader is speaking on behalf of the people, especially in our tongue. A leader WANTS to do that and will commit to it, because language is THE one thing who holds us true to WHO we are. It is the one thing that people cannot take away. It is the one thing that keeps us Native. It is the one thing that we communicate to not only humans but to our surrounding world, such as trees, plants, earth, etc..that keeps us balanced. It is what makes us Navajo. I, myself, even as a young Native professional would never think of myself as a leader. I have told my family (mom/dad/grandparents) that I do not speak the language fluently and that has been my biggest downfall. I have been humble enough to recognize that if and if I ever want to run for any leadership position that I have to challenge myself to learn the language….because in true essence OUR language is the heart of our spirit, our people, our communities. I am not writing about politics but I am writing about this to challenge me, you, and everyone to say that as YOUNG NATIVES we need to learn our language! It is vital to sustain our livelihood. As any true leader we should lead with the heart of our people, we should think about the spirit of our people and our ancestors, we should acknowledge with humility our weaknesses, and admit to them, only to better ourselves, so then we can in turn better our nations. This translates to us as to better our relationships intrinsically that will ultimately have a positive impact on all relations. My two cents anyway. 

Native Sacrifice

I talk a lot on my blog about being an educated, single, Native American woman. My birthday is coming up soon and will be around my mid 30’s. I reflect on my life and I think was my sacrifice worth it? I cannot truly answer that question with confidence. I only did what was instructed of my elders and my parents, which was to get an education no matter what. However, there was a cost associated to that. I think they did not think of the under hidden costs nor did I. For instance, right now I am crying my tears away yearning for family; my family at home or maybe one I could have created with a husband/child now, but I did not because I am too consumed with a goal. Being away from the reservation I frequently yearn for my family: I cry, I want to go home, I yearn for home, I cry alone because I think of home, I burn cedar, I pray, I go through so much alone that my family does not know of because I do not tell because I do not want them to worry based upon a goal that my grandparents, aunts/uncles, parents told me was important as a young kid. They told me you NEED to get an education for so many factors; to help you, your family, your community, Natives, Indigenous peoples, etc. I took their advice to heart. I sacrificed a lot doing it as well. I was the first grandchild of both my maternal and paternal families to pursue a Ph.D. I had to leave the REZ (Navajo reservation) in order to do so. Since I left I lacked learning so many Navajo cultural traditional teachings; songs, prayers, language, way of life. Now I lack many of those things to learn the “White” man’s way. I am about to excel in the White man’s world and I have with so many degrees behind my belt. However, I feel in a way my family is proud but in another way I feel they look at me different, in a way that is a person who does not wholly know or practice the Navajo way. Regardless, I feel I let them down in some form or fashion. My cousins and family make fun of me at times, not to hurt me intentionally (but it does) but to laugh about the way I pronounce Navajo words or how I lack language or do not understand it at times. That hurts me. About how I lack knowledge of Navajo practices. I feel lost because I pursued a path that was envisioned for me but yet I am also “chastised” for it at times. I am torn. Should I have stayed on the REZ? Should I have learned so much Navajo culture/language/tradition that is needed and education in comparison is not as important? I do not know! I feel I failed in a LOT of those areas and I exceled at some.  I cannot be in both places at once. I cannot. What to do? I know they are extremely proud because I will be the first Dr. in either families. I know they brag about me! But, as a Navajo woman I sacrificed a lot in order to be the educated one. I have endured a lot (institutionalized racism to start). White people also look at me and tried “kicking” me out of a higher education institution for unjustified reasons, even though I had a 3.9 GPA and I had to fight there too. I am fighting all the time I feel. At times can I just stop fighting? Can I stop fighting institutionalized racism or my community to just be ME?!! I feel at times do I belong here or there? My life is not perfect. Maybe people think I am “living THE life” by being single and doing me. I am doing well and it’s great because I am following what my family has prayed for…to be a future Dr. in the family, which is a HUGE accomplishment. However, this path is lonely. It is lonely because you are creating a path of your own for you, your family, and maybe future Native peoples. Right now, it feels super lonely. It is a sacrifice. It is scary. It is confusing. It is needed. I am walking alone. It involves blood, sweat, and tears…as I am bleeding, sweating, and crying now. This is the cusp of it so imagine bringing a relationship into this? Will most men understand (Native or non-Native)? Us Native women go through so much to prove ourselves....men do have it easier because you are men. One thing my father always told me and prepared me for was ... "You are always going to have it harder than anyone else because you are Native (minority) and you are a female...so I have to prepare you for a tough life." It is. 

Shopping & Men…Same difference?

When someone asks you what do you want in a relationship? What do you think? What do you say? Do you know what you want? I mean truly-truly want? If you cannot answer this question then I’m suggesting that maybe you do not know what you really want and maybe you are not ready to be in a relationship at this point.

I had a somewhat funny epiphany last week. Last week I went to Ross (dress for less) store and I had my shopping cart. I started walking around the store browsing for “whatever” because I was not looking for a certain item in particular, I was just looking. About 1.5 hours in the store my shopping cart was filled with a bunch of clothes (pants, skirts, blouses, dresses). I literally had like about 30 items in my cart. I tried each item on and either it did not fit or it fit but did not look or feel right. Out of all my items I only purchased one pencil skirt for $15.99. I mean I spent like almost 3 hours in one store and walked out with one item! What a waste of time I thought. Have you ever done this? My guess if you are a female and you like to shop then you probably have.

 After my time spent at Ross I started thinking of the analogy of shopping and men. When we shop and try on garments, it is the process of elimination. We buy what “fits” and that makes us look/feel fabulous! Could we say the same thing about men? Dating is the process of elimination; we date until we find what “fits” and make us feel fabulous!

As stated previously when I went into Ross I wasted a lot of time browsing for anything. I did not go in with an idea of what I wanted or needed. I feel my time could have been more productive if I thought,” I need more business/casual dresses because I own very few.” Then I could have went into Ross and looked only in those aisles and left.  Same about men I think. We need to look for what we want instead of taking our time browsing in wrong aisles searching for something we do not need. Have you ever noticed that when men shop they already know what they want/need and go right in and buy it and they are out of the store within 15-20 minutes? So ladies, evaluate your closets/drawers and when you go shopping next time, shop with distinction! Shop like you are at the flea market in Gallup looking for that turquoise necklace and you evaluate every aspect of the quality of it before you purchase it. You know that necklace is unique and you know the quality of it and so you want it but you thoroughly evaluate it beforehand! Ayyyyeeeee!
Anyways I LOVE shopping so I thought this would hit the nail in the head with you likewise fashionistas! P.S. On a shopping note I bought my first pair of vintage Chanel earrings *sigh*.

Females and Masturbation Part II

I have had quite a bit of feedback on this whole “Women & Masturbation” piece I wrote last week! This blog will touch on new thoughts and display comments from some of my blog readers on my Facebook page relating to my previous piece.

As a Native (again speaking for myself and not all Native females out there) I was taught to have a relationship with self that includes relationship to my body/mind/spirit. Once you have a positive relationship with self, then that is when you can have a positive relationship with others; family, friends, intimate partner, and community. And vice versa, if you have a negative relationship with self, then you are bound to have negative relationships with others. Therefore, I find it extremely important to know your body! In general, as females we HAVE to know our body in some form because we deal with things such as menstrual cycles, pregnancy, menopause, etc. Our bodies are complicated beings. For example, men have a natural physiological/biological hormone regulator so they do not have high hormone production because it is regulated, whereas females we do not have a natural hormone regulator, so our hormones go haywire at times. It is biologically/physiologically mandated for us to be hormonal whenever we want because we cannot help it (Yes, tell this little tidbit to your man!).

Ok, back to my point, which is if we spend that much time/effort understanding our bodies then I personally feel it is also important to know the intimate side as well. What turns you on? What doesn’t? What touch feels right? In what space? One person commented, stating, “When I did sexuality education nearly 20 years ago we used to talk about masturbation. Weird we can talk about sex as women, but not the art of self-pleasure. If we don't know what works for our own bodies, how will we know how to share these joys with our lovers?? No wonder many men are clueless.”  This Native female had a great point. Are we shy to talk about the art of self-pleasure? If we are shy, then how can we effectively communicate with our partner(s) about issues relating to “sex” or “sexual acts?” To me masturbation is merely knowing your body: it’s healthy, it’s normal, it’s pleasurable, it’s a safe alternative to practice abstinence! Once you get comfortable in this space then you can maximize the experience for yourselves and/or your partners as well. To verify my last sentence, a Native male stated he liked it when females masturbated “Bcuz it turns me on,when i see a woman masturbating... maybe its just me personally but im sure alot of men wouldnt mind watching... and also get turned on by it.”

 However, growing up none of my family members talked to me in-depth about “sex” or “sexual acts.” One of my questions was asked by a FB reader asking: “Dont you have a grandfather who is a medicine man? What does he say?” My grandparents/elders never talked about "sex" in terms of the act of it and how it affects our life. They of course talked a lot about self-respect and how that plays into every aspect of our lives, which I assumed included not having “sex” at an early age or having lots of sexual partners.

 At the end of the day I encourage each of you to consider being open to masturbation and open to communicating about it to your circle (female friends, daughters, nieces, moms, aunts, and partners). Because it is healthy, normal, pleasurable and safe (if done alone)!!

 P.S. here are a few comments that others have written on my FB page.

 Finally! Women were once thought of by cultures & societies to be the sexual aggressors, appetites for pure pleasure. Then things changed as women's sexual selves were silenced, controlled, violated, or defined by the non-female. It's about time for the ndn view!-DN (Native female)

 Interesting...I know our parents and grandparents didnt talk about it openly, however I was very open about the subject with my children. They were embarrassed of course but they know I am not embarrassed to talk about it. I agree, it all a part of life. –RG (Native female)

 In our Hopi/Pueblo society, sex is a topic at the dinnertable and at ceremony, participation by both young and old. I remember two years ago at a dance, the clowns rounded up all the young boys and girls in the plaza and told them they were going to have sex ed since their parents dont teach them. First they lined up the boys and brought out blow up dolls and taught them the art of oral sex and points of pleasure on a woman. the girls were given penis suckers and...well of course the parents and grandparents quickly grabbed their kids. good article tho.-JJ( Native male)

 

Augsut "meeting" ventures

#1. As I was crying in my fave bar to my BFF a male approaches me and says “You’re very pretty.” I look at him with watery and red eyes and I’m like REALLY, as my make-up is probably messed up too. Anyways he invites us to have a drink with him and his friends and for the next hour I have a blast. We exchange numbers. For the following next two days he asks me to lunch and both days I couldn’t make it. He patiently asks when I can and I said in 1.5 weeks I can. He calls me on a Wed. night (1.5 weeks later) wanting to see if I can meet up with him but its late notice and I can’t so I ask him can we wait until tomorrow? As we’re on the phone talking he tells me that I don’t seem like I am “prioritizing” men and I seem distant in general from relationships. I’m thinking this may be kinda true. This guys is 28 years old, has one child, and a chef at a new hotel/casino in Vegas. He seemed extremely nice. Next day, something comes up on my end and I end up canceling with him AGAIN. I felt bad and he no longer contacted me. Maybe I messed that one up, oh well.

 

#2. This was NOT by far a date or in any way shape or form or was it scheduled to be. Me and my girl were at our fave bar and there is this guy who my other homegirl knows. I am acquainted with this guy but do not know him. Mind you, he’s so NOT my type (as you know I only date men of color). Come to find out me, my girl, and him are all ASU Alumni! So we all start talking about the Las Vegas Chapter ASU Alumni Association and the related events. So, he asks for my number saying maybe we ALL should go and hang out (group thing..so I thought). Next thing you know later that night he texted me right off and our convo went like this:

 

Him: “Can I get you a pedicure tomorrow?”

Me:  I personally thought that was an odd thing to ask right off the back and I state, “Thanks, but I already got one two days ago.”

Him: “Oh, well can I treat you to dinner/drinks if you’re interested.”

Me: “I’m ONLY interested in being friends and I am always down to kick it with people who like sports and who want to have some drinks but on a cool basis, nothing more.”

Him: “I like sports so we can be cool, so can we meet up tomorrow?”

 

So I go and it was awkward. He was not as talkative and I tried to keep up a conversation about school/sports but at times it was like pulling teeth. I’m thinking I doubt I can kick it with him on a homie level because he’s too quiet and I doubt we can ever hang out unless there is a huge group, like an ASU Alumni event thing. He’s a nice guy and I am hoping we could be homies. He’s an ASU Alumni and a lawyer.

So the next day he texts:

 

Him: “It was good seeing you yesterday….we should go to an ASU Alumni event.”

Me: “Cool, they’re fun!”

Him: “Can I get you a pedicure Sunday?”

Me: S’up with this dude and feet I think and I state, “I hang out with my homegirl on Sundays and I don’t know what our plans are so I’ll have to pass.”

 

Ok, now this has turned creepy, lol! I mean is it me or is it weird a dude keeps sweatin’ me on him getting me a pedicure? Oh and he compliments me on my feet saying how my most recent one looks great. I think it’s odd all the way around. *Sigh*

 

This past year I’ve dated a doctor and a broker. I’ve met many professional men that were interested but I felt/feel that I couldn’t connect with them on a compatible/mental/emotional/ social level. With that being said I miss a certain someone from my past that I probably took for granted after meeting different men from all walks of life because he got me and understood me. Dating is soooo GRRRR…uggghhh….and WTF’s!! As a Native girl this is a small tidbit into my so-called “dating” life that I've experienced within the past two weeks. What are some of your random dating stories?

Females and Masturbation

I got your attention, didn’t I! I had a conversation with one of my supervisor’s yesterday evening (who is a Native female) and I was talking to her about my dissertation project, which is to adapt an evidence-based HIV/teen pregnancy/sexually transmitted infections prevention intervention for Native youth and pilot test it. Then the conversation led itself into Natives and “cultural belief” systems in terms of sex and sexuality. I told her that Navajo’s (my tribe) do NOT talk about two things; SEX and DEATH. Us Navajos (jawns) are extremely conservative when we discuss these issues, even when discussing the very surface of it (I can imagine some of my family members discomfort now). However, I feel I am not shy or reluctant to talk about these issues, but when I bring it up to family I can sense their uneasiness, so I stop talking about it. Why are us Navajo’s so uncomfortable with these topics?? (I cannot speak for other tribes)

 As for my supervisor, she told me that within her tribe they discuss sex and death because those two topics are a part of the circle of life. You have to have sex to bring life into the world and death is a part of living. These are natural entities that should be discussed and have no shame/fear/uncomfortableness because in a nutshell, it is all a part of LIFE. I completely agree!

 So this brings me into a subject area that I feel not many people discuss. I’ve read countless articles on the acceptance and promotion of male masturbation. However, there has been minimal promotion of female masturbation and/or maybe the acceptance or acknowledgement of it as well.

 WebMD (http://www.webmd.com/women/features/female-masturbation-5-things-know) stated “ Men may talk about it more often, but women do it, too. More than half of American women 18-49 masturbate at least once every 3 months, according to a study from The Kinsey Institute, and that’s true for single women and those who are coupled up. Self-pleasure doesn’t have the stigma it once did, says Nicole Prause, PhD, but myths still affect the way that some women feel about it -- and how they do (or don’t) touch themselves.”

 Also, according to WebMD, here are five things you should know about masturbation.

 1. It’s good for you.

Masturbating increases blood flow throughout your body and releases feel-good brain chemicals called endorphins. “That may explain why there’s a clear mood benefit, even if you don’t orgasm,” says Prause, a sexuality researcher at UCLA. And while men are more likely to talk about blowing off steam by masturbating, research suggests it’s a stress-reliever for both sexes. “It takes your mind [off your worries] while activating areas of the brain associated with pleasure,” Prause says.

 2. It improves your sex life.

Masturbation can make you sexually comfortable and confident. “It puts you in touch with your desires and gives you the chance to get to know your own body,” says sexuality educator Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD. “Experimenting with what feels good and makes you respond positively can lead to better sexual experiences, both alone and with a partner.” If you have trouble reaching orgasm, it’s a private, stress-free way to try different types of touch and pressure to see what helps you climax, Fulbright says.

 3. It can ease postmenopause sex problems.

Many women see changes during menopause. Masturbation can help, says Judi Chervenak, MD, a gynecologist at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City. “The vagina can actually narrow, which can make intercourse and vaginal exams more painful.” But masturbation, especially with a water-based lubricant, can help prevent narrowing, boost blood flow, relieve some tissue and moisture problems, and increase sexual desire, Chervenak says.

 4. It doesn’t have to be quick (or end with an orgasm).

The media may suggest otherwise, but masturbation isn’t just a “quickie” experience. That’s OK. “Rushing can make it less enjoyable, and so can focusing too much on orgasm,” Fulbright says. “Give yourself time to touch all parts of your body or try different positions, and don’t feel pressure to climax.”

 5. Toys can help.

Nearly half of women between the ages of 18 and 60 have used a sex toy like a dildo or vibrator, according to a survey by Ashley Leonard at Robert Morris University. If you’ve had trouble reaching orgasm and want to climax, a vibrator (which stimulates the nerve endings in the clitoris) may be helpful.Don’t worry whether it will lead to sex problems later down the line, Prause says. “Put simply, if it feels good, go for it.”

Not only are there benefits to masturbating, but it’s considered a safe form of sex (if you do it alone, that is, lol)! So ladies go get your toys (aye)! I felt the need to write this because this topic is consistently talked about and accepted when the male gender discusses it. However, it’s not as likely for women to openly discuss  this socially, especially Native women. All aspects of sex are a part of life and as a Native female I don’t feel we should inhibit ourselves to talk about such issues. This evening I am going to an event that is an intimate talk on sex and sexuality, which includes discussions on the role of culture, gender and the media play in shaping our sexual identities. I should have lots more to say next week on related subject matters. Stay tuned and stay safe!

Fear

When I used to think about relationships I always had this nonchalant feeling. I was usually so easy-breezy about them, meaning I did not make marriage/kids a priority. I always thought if it happens then it does and if it does not I have a back-up plan! My closest uncle passed a few weeks ago and I started to think about life a little different. I came to the realization that I do want a husband and a kid. This kind of epiphany was scary to me!! Now all the “what-if” questions come to mind. What it does not happen? What if it does and he is the wrong guy? What if! It seems it was easier to have an easy-breezy mindset about this because it alleviated so much pressure. I’m not going to force anything because that is not my style. But this mindset makes me even MORE picky, which I suppose is a good thing. Knowing exactly what you want can be scary because you know and you will settle for nothing less than that. When you will settle for nothing less than that then it seems as if options become narrower and even harder to find.

Dress?

I just came back from NYC this past weekend and I have been contemplating on the kind of men who approach me whether it’s here or anywhere. I started to think do these men approach me because of the places I go, what I wear, how I act, what I say, or how I say it?

For instance, I tend to go to really laid back joints, like sports bars or dive bars mainly to watch sporting events and I do NOT dress up. In fact, most of the time I wear hats because these places are so laid back that I figure I do not need to go all out and plus I’m comfortable just throwing a hat, jeans, sneakers, or whatever on. A confession, I am in this laid back funk too so even if I go to nicer venues during happy hour times, I still tend to dress extremely laid back while majority of the females are wearing heels and dressed nice while I’m wearing sneakers and a hat. So does that mean if a professional male looks at me wearing a baseball hat and sneakers then he will perceive me as a “hood” chick? Or in his eyes, someone “not datable” because he wants a “grown woman” who is doing her thing, which I am but he probably would not know that unless he speaks to me.  I must admit I’m torn between what I like to wear because it’s comfortable and should I be judged based on that? Unfortunately, we do live in a judgmental and stereotypical society. I mean I do not necessarily want a man who’s ALWAYS wearing jerseys/hats (I’m dating men in their 30’s+ now). So does that saying in my most recent blog , "Become the reflection of what you want in your mate" reference a point here? Hmmm.

 Also, at this point I am in a place where I really like laid back places that have the cheapest prices in food/alcohol as well. With this being said it’s highly unlikely I will find a man I would like to date at these types of places. There are so many logical things to think about on these matters stating if I want to date a man who’s financially stable then he’s more likely to be at more “classy” venues? Is he? Unless he likes sports and cheap drinks and good food like me, then who would not want to go there?! IDK that's just me speaking. If I want a professional male then he’s most likely not going to rock a fitted and a jersey? If a professional male wants a “lady” then he’s most likely not going to take me as such if I’m wearing a fitted and sneakers?

 I suppose my final opinion on these matters is just keep being me, dressing how I dress, talk how I talk, walk how I walk because that’s what makes me ME. Whenever I find my mate he will love ALL of what makes me ME. I don’t want to compromise my comfortableness or my style because that is part of an expression of who I am.

But I am not going to lie this is complex and deeper than just how a person dresses. It’s that annoying truth that people are always judging you, stereotyping you, gaging you based on YOU. I think that is what I’m most bothered about but what people think is them and I do me. I’m different. I’m unique. I am a pioneer. I am not a follower.

 

 

Reflection

I spoke to my home girl yesterday and she stated, “She is becoming a reflection of the man she wants to be with.” Her progressive actions towards this philosophy are definitely awesome! I really like this expression because if I want a man that is financially stable then maybe I should be too? If I want man with great credit then I should have great credit myself? If I want a man that is “fit” then maybe I should workout too? If I want a man that does not drink then maybe I should not too? In a nutshell, you should try to be the person that conveys all the traits you want in a partner and start to work towards those individual traits among yourself so you can be ready to receive your partner when he/she appears into your life. Obviously, some traits may be harder to achieve than others but in a nutshell prepare yourself to be the best person YOU can be so it makes you that much more “ready” and compatible to your current/future partner. These important preparation and maintenance practices are assets we could ALL work on. Remember that common saying that the people you surround yourself by are a reflection of you and this includes your partner

 “BECOME A REFLECTION OF THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE WITH.”

Male Hiatus

My schedule is hectic. My main job is working at UNLV as a Graduate Research Assistant to assist on implementing an HIV/AIDS and teen pregnancy prevention program with Black youth. My second job is working at the Clark County School District. My third job is working at the Las Vegas Indian Center with their alcohol and substance abuse prevention program that targets Native youth. My fourth job is working as a psych-social rehabilitation provider working with Latina youth. My fifth job starts this summer working at UNLV library. Not to mention I am a full-time doctoral student working on my Ph.D. Also, I volunteer/work with the United Nations (I will be in NYC next week for 1.5 weeks) doing advocacy work and I work with the White House as a tribal consultant on tribal affairs. I started my own non-profit organization, United Natives, which is a non-government organization working with the United Nations. United Natives works with Native youth in health, education, leadership, and culture. I do not pay myself on my non-profit, so I consider this a volunteer job, but a job nonetheless. I write this blog and trying to turn this into a book on my down time, when I get them! Also, I workout and am on my way to losing weight (yay me!). Last, I have to find time to sleep, eat, clean, errands, and chill with my girls because they keep me sane, and spend time with family! I am SUPER BUSY! I am never home and live out of my car. For instance last week in between my jobs I took a nap in my car for 1.5 hours!

With all this hustle going on I figure I should go on a male hiatus. I mean I am crazy busy and I figure I do not have time to deal with any relationships. Besides, the male I was extremely interested in moved back to the Midwest (where he is originally from) to pursue his dream/opportunity that Las Vegas could not give him. He already knew he was moving back before we started kicking it because he told me. I thought I could not get caught up because he’s leaving soon but I ended up really liking him. But, I figured maybe it was not in the cards for us to be together. The timing is bad anyways because I feel I do not need any distractions when I have so much going on in my life. Ugh but this still sucks finding someone you really like and then they leave. Just my luck. After he left in early April I thought I am going on a male hiatus! Forget men because they are not meant to be in my life now!

Then on my quest to be on this loner mission in my life the oddest thing occurred within the past 3 days. First, my ex-ex boyfriend (we broke up about 3 years ago) contacted me and told me he’s still in love with me and wants to work on getting back together. Second, my most recent ex (we broke up about 7 months ago and have not talked since) started texting me out of the blue two days ago trying to converse about random life events. I was taken back and did not feel comfortable engaging in the conversation due to my own reasons. But, that was random because I thought we would never speak again.

Last, a guy I met 6 years ago in L.A. on a random weekend get away got in contact with me yesterday. I met him at a reggae club on in Long Beach on Friday night (we danced all night), me and my friends met up with him again on Saturday to join him at another club, and on Sunday he took me out on a date. I came back to Vegas on Monday and have not seen him since although we continued to keep in touch after. At that time he told me he really liked me and wanted us to be in a relationship together. I thought it was way too soon and he was just spittin’ game so I never took him seriously. Then, he told me to move to L.A. and that he would completely take care of me so I didn’t have to work if I didn’t want to (but I’m not built like that). The last time I spoke to him was about 2.5 years ago when I told him that he should not call me anymore because I was in a serious relationship and it was not appropriate that he call. So he stopped. But yesterday he called and we talked. He told me when he met me it was love at first sight for him. That he fell in love with me then and STILL loves me now. That I was the one that got away. He told me he would do anything for us to be together because he does not want to lose me. This was totally random, romantic and like a movie. And this guy is fine too!

Ok can I say this is all brain overload?! Over the past 3 days! I am like so much for a male hiatus! There are so much emotions and thoughts running around my mind and dancing around my almost stoic heart. Also, I can’t get my Midwest guy out of my headspace because I really did/do like him. And where did my past come from so quickly? I mean I have two guys saying they love me…flattering, absolutely, but now what to do with all this?! Also, an ex reaching out to me who I still care for and wish him the best but that opened some emotional wounds and more. I guess us Native women got some magic over men, lol, (j/k) but for real. I am really writing this one blog to vent and let some emotional air out. SO confusing. You think you know men and you think they have no soul sometimes.  But then sometimes stuff like this may tweak your stereotypes. When it rains, it pours, so for me I feel like it's raining men. I just need a minute to process this overload.  I just need to breathe. 

                                                                                        

Positivity

I had a conversation with one of my girls one Saturday night. I was telling her I gained a lot of weight in my previous relationship and lost weight since but my body image about myself was negative. She then tells me “When I first met you my first perception of you is that you were really pretty, have a baby face, looked youthful, perfect nose, and you are beautiful!” I told her “When I first met you I thought you had a perfect body and your body is perfect!” The next day I was talking with a guy who I was dating and his friend. His friend told me “We were just talking about you earlier and talking about how pretty we think you are”. The point is someone is always thinking good thoughts about you even when your not!! We need to surround ourselves more by people who think and verbalize good things in general and about ourselves. Also, as Natives we have this philosophy to always think “good thoughts”. You never want to bring negativity into your universe by “thinking bad thoughts” because that will bring bad things to you. As the Natives say it “living in beauty around you” is a blessing we can bring upon ourselves.

As some people say “Every person has a king and a fool in them”. The one that people to talk to more “the king of the fool” GROWS. Meaning, if a person is “putting you down” constantly, then you start to believe them or if a person is constantly talking to you in a positive light (“you are smart”, “you are pretty”), then you start to believe them. Your relationships reveal and decide your self-portrait, which is the way you see yourself. The people around you paint the picture you have of yourself. The way you see yourself can determine what you pursue. The way you see yourself is more powerful. You will ALWAYS act like the person you think you are. What you keep hearing you will eventually believe. So again, surround yourself by positive people who uplift you! This is in regards to every relationship: family, friends, romantic partners. 

Men

As some of you have read on my FB, I have been kickin’ it with about 6 of my male friends all weekend. They are all Black, educated, good jobs with a 401(k), and cool. Four out of six are not married and have no kids, including my best male friend. All weekend they were talking about females in terms of: relationships, getting’ some, what females lack, what we don’t do, what we don’t understand about men, and what need men. From their insight these are some common quotes or themes:

-Men are only as faithful as their options. What they elaborated on about this is no matter if you are married or not, if a female looks hot and she “comes onto me” then more than likely it will happen. It will definitely happen if I know my girl/wife will NOT find out. It’s hard for a man to stay faithful and about 90% of men feel like this. Also, they like YOUNGER females, especially purely for a physical relationship.

-Woman should never pursue a man. If a man likes you then he will show it. Point blank.

-Men don’t really want to settle down. It’s hard for a man to settle down.

-Men are simple. All men talk about are sports, girls, and entertainment. Men get tired of us females telling them our daily play-by-play episodes.

-Men want women to be more self-sufficient. I heard that when they start dating a girl and she has to call him to help her fix everything or do everything, they get tired of that. Their thinking is what did you do before I came along? Soooo keep doing that. Don’t depend on me for everything.

-Women want a MAN to be a man but women today are not stepping up as women. They said my girl/wife wants me to mow the lawn and do all the outside work and is not mindful about giving me water while I’m doing all the outside work. Because when she’s cooking and I see dishes there I help her wash them. Basically, they say that women nowadays do not know how to cook/clean anymore when they expect us to do everything for them.

-They want a woman to hold a decent, intelligent conversation and not talk about “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”. They actually like intelligent women. Like from the movie Coming to American, Eddie Murphy said, “I want a woman to spark my intellect as well as my loins”.

-They like women to like sports. They like it when females like sports and can have  a conversation about sports. They think it’s cool and love it.

-To top it off they said what most women don’t understand is if you do what they feel is ‘nice’ (don’t nag, cook, have sex) then a man will WANT to do things for you without you asking him/telling him too.

Well at the end of the day I told them “Look, regardless, a marriage or whatever is a partnership, nothing more/nothing less”. I feel you look out for each other and support each other. You HAVE to be on the same page financially in order to spend, save, or invest. It’s a team. If we both work then if one cooks/cleans then the other does other chores, teamwork. It’s mutual investment into each other and the relationship, you are a team! If you do this and that then I should want to do this and that because we are both helping each other out to get to the same goals/objectives. It’s really not that hard to figure that out. They said “Not very women think like that and most women want us to do everything.” Well, maybe their not meeting the right women then? LOL IDK. Funny weekend to talk about this stuff all weekend with a bunch of dudes.