Among
Natives we all have lots in common in the aspects of how we view the importance
of family and community, and if you are a “traditional” Native, then we have
even more in common on spirituality and cultural teachings. There are the known
cultural protocols and kinship structures that we practice, whether we grew up
on the Rez or not. There are also the people who comfortably transit between
“mainstream” and “tribal” norms by constantly flowing in-between both dynamics.
Then, you have the Natives who comfortably stay on the Rez and those who
comfortably stay in urban areas. I sometimes wonder how this impacts dating
among your own tribe or dating within inter-tribal spaces.
While
growing up on the Rez, at the time I always dated Native men because that is
who I was constantly around and I found them attractive, of course. The further
I moved away from the Rez and the more I interacted with different
racial/ethnic groups, I slowly stopped dating Native men. There was a long time
period in my life where I found Native men did not flirt or approach me. And
during this time period is when I completely stopped dating Native men. However,
maybe I have been so far removed from their “ways of flirting”, that even if they did, maybe I was
the one who was oblivious to it. In comparison, I have noticed that other men
of color seem to be a bit more “aggressive” or “assertive” on their interest in
you. They will bluntly tell you that you are pretty, ask you out, or ask how
they can contact you. Whereas Native men are more subtle and in some ways leave
you wondering, does he like me? Or does he want to be my buddy?
There is
also the consideration that if you are of the same tribe that you have to
figure out if you are related first. Maybe there is that unconscious pause period
before readily telling someone you are interested or even readily being
interested, because you are trying to decipher those kinship systems first.
Once you figure that out, then maybe you are more likely to move forward with
that interested suitor. I will give an example. I once met a man who is the
same tribe as me and although I thought he was cute, I was mentally
uninterested. You see I was physically interested but I was mentally
uninterested. In the back of my mind I had to hear his clans first because he
could unknowingly be my brother/father/grandpa by our Navajo cultural clanship
system that determines our kinship to each other. I had to put my physical
attraction on hold until I could find out if he was related to me. I also found
myself being pessimistic thinking what are the odds are that is not related to
me (probably very slim), so why even bother thinking of him other than family.
I mean, who wants to have a crush on their brother, gross! The relation is
still significant even if that person is not related by blood. Therefore, I
definitely think when you are dating within your own tribe, this kinship aspect
is highly significant.
I am
assessing dating Native men vs. non-Native men AND dating Navajo men vs. dating
men of other tribes. When you date Navajo men, they know that our tribe is
matriarchal and there is that given “respect” sort of speak. When dating men of
other tribes, they may come from a patriarchal tribal cultural/social dynamic. So, even if you are both Native, there may be clashes. I found that when dating other men of color
that they are more patriarchal frame-minded and that used to cause clashes in my
dating dynamics with them. Sometimes it seems much easier to date someone NOT from your
tribe and sometimes it seems much easier TO DATE someone from your tribe. The
complex love life of the Navajo Nation.
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