I came home and was literally crying and for no apparent reason.
I just felt grief. I just felt overwhelmed. My eyes are watery as I type this
and tears are flowing down my face. I know now….I have been having multiple
meetings these past few days that are addressing social justice, which include
the recent media activity. This past Monday, I saw White armed ranchers taking
over the government building on national news. The national building consists
of important tribal documentation, and they’re on tribal lands, while protesting
that it is their land. There was a meeting on gender equality with the United
Nations that I was late in “distance” attending, but I read the
transcription/notes. I attended a community meeting with people who are
fighting injustices to keep sacred sites of tribal documentation, artifacts,
and sacred sites upheld. Then, I saw a movie titled, “Revenant”, which was of
Leonardo DiCaprio getting revenge of a person who killed his Pawnee son. I am
involved in many ongoing community dialogues to assist people of color to
address injustices. It is my responsibility to support, assist, or advocate, I
personally believe.
People tell me, “It’s the 21st century…get over the
oppression…get over the trauma…get over the racism, as it no longer exists…get
over it.” In 2016, I look in the mirror and I see a full-blooded Native woman
starring back at me, who in late 1400’s, 1500’s, 1600’s, 1700’s, and 1800’s would have been sought out to be raped and murdered. My whole family,
community, and tribe were meant to be slaughtered for dead, with no conscience.
In the 1900’s, I would have been stolen, kidnapped, beaten, raped, sterilized,
Christianized, acculturated/assimilated like a lot of my community, friends,
and family members. In 2000, Native women are still being beaten, raped, and
murdered, which could have included me.
In 2012, I was threatened to get kicked out of my higher
institution of learning by the Dean of my department, although, I had a 3.9
GPA. I was in great academic standing and was in good accordance with the
Graduate College doctoral provisions. I had to fight to stay in my program,
although, I did nothing wrong, nor was failing any course at all. I still had
to fight for a rightfully earned position, a doctoral student. I had to fight
to earn my degree with everything I had. And in December of 2015, I graduated,
but it was not easy, as I did not have the support of the higher up’s in my
department.
As I type this, I am overwhelmed with grief, as a Native woman,
and I cry to grieve tonight. I am angry, frustrated, stressed, confused, and
feel a sense of loneliness and even hopelessness. But, I know this is a symptom
of post-traumatic stress syndrome that is a result of historical oppression and
trauma. Within historical trauma still lives grief that I encompass on a daily
basis. It is also a result of still experiencing racism, discrimination, and sexism on a daily basis. Today, it erupted. I feel it. I see it. I hear it. I smell it. I taste
it. I live it. I can never escape it, ever. Tonight, I cry for all the
injustices that we have endured, we are enduring, and will endure moving
forward.
P.S. I am not sure this is what ALL Native people and/or women
experience. I am speaking solely for myself and what I experience living in
Native urban America. To possibly have a relationship with a person like me,
these are experiences that I endure. It does not make me weak or strong, but it
makes me human.
