How "down" are you?

As a person of color, "how down are you?" In multiple ways this has been a question we're always asked indirectly or directly, in different spaces, multiple times. For me, it's not always asked of me, but it's what I do indirectly. Do I go to ceremonies? Do I know my language? Do I go back to the Rez often? Am I connected to my community? Do I know how to make frybread? Do I work with Natives? Yes-I do all of those things because that's me, before the professional me has evolved. When I state, professionally, it seems when you reach a certain "level" of professional stature or economic stature in your life, people often want to know if you're a "sell-out" or not, which is understandable, because before I "made it", I often wondered the same about folks from my family and/or community. How down are you? This is often a general encounter in our community of what contexts are involved in that aspect. However, others do involve physical aspects. Can you chop wood? Haul water? Use the out-house? And...maybe even whoop someone's ass, if needed.

A person of color and how down they are has been a position I believe every person of color has been situated in, in some form or fashion. Your people want to know you haven't forgotten who you are or where you come from, which is definitely understandable. I get it. I respect it. I acknowledge it.

However, then when does "how down are you?" compromise yourself in a situation? What if you have to scrap to prove that? How does that possibly impact your career or where you're at in your life?

I had an interesting situation happen to me today. I met an LA-ish man of Hispanic descent. We talked for about an hour. Towards the end of our conversation, he started calling me "bougie", telling me in reference to talking to me stating "I don't talk Caucasian", telling me I probably only have friends who's names are "Becky, Tom, Kevin", telling me "I live on the good side of the tracks." Why all that? Because I may talk proper? Because he recognized my designer purse/wallet/shoes? Because he saw me drive my Jaguar (which he mentioned)? I felt side-way offended in a way but I also thought, hey, us, as persons of color, we always are know we are not White, and among our own communities or other communities of color, how much we're judged just as much-if not more at times. This man does not know me or how many fights I've been in, or what decisions I made to be where I'm at, what I did to be where I am, what I've sacrifice to be where I am, or how I grew up, or who my friends are-and my friends are not the Becky's, Kevin's, or Tom's. Just because I don't talk like a "hood-rat" or a "gang-banger" does not mean I'm not down. I can still scrap on the drop of a dime and protect myself. Currently, me being down may not be as physical as I once was, but it means being an advocate for your people in a space we're not always visible. Being vocal and present about political issues to truly make a change in our persons of color world. However, I could still whoop a bitch's ass, if needed, but I don't need to do that, LOL~! End of story, no matter what, we always have to prove ourselves to our communities and to White people on both ends of the spectrum.

P.S. These types of situations deeply impact my relationships because I prefer a man who can understand my daily lived experiences of having to live in dual and multiple worlds 100% of the time. I need a man of color I can vent to and state, "I know I'm a professor and research doctor and am a professional BUT I come from this community-and that, to where it's different, and we do have to be not a sell-out and still be down...."

Intimidation, Fear, Confusion

When you get a bit older, a bit more established career and financially, and know the direction you want your life to go, intimidation-fear-confusion may integrate into your feelings. Everything is going the way you want so you become "scared" to mess up that direction with something as uncertain as a partnership. Love and relationships are not always guaranteed to be sustainable. Therefore, for someone like myself, it becomes a huge gamble that I'm not exactly sure that I want to take. The stereotype may be that men are usually filled with these uncertainty symptoms that I'm talking about, but as a female, I'm exhibiting those same type of symptoms. I've been single for about 5 years. Meaning, my last long-term, significant relationship was 5 years ago, but I have dated people these past 5 years, obviously. I"m not a hermit, LOL. I know I use my career as an excuse to avoid "dating." My career and my time I input into it definitely take priority but I have met one guy in the past 5 years that became a priority too. But, it ended, like the same old story goes. Currently, I have a great prospect. We dated 4 years ago for a few months....like 9 or 10 according to him because I could not remember how long we dated, which is bad. Dating him was not bad but I was thought he was my "rebound" guy and I really did not think of him as a long-term person. Plus, he moved out-of-state, so that is the reason why we ultimately stopped seeing each other. This guy and I have always been cool, texting now and then, and I'll see him around when he visits Las Vegas. He moved to build his career and I have been doing me in my career.

The background of this guy: handsome, man-of-color, college educated from a Big 10 school, about 5"11" in height, no kids, never been married, early 40's, great full-time job-plus owns 2 up and growing businesses (including a weed dispensary), home owner, good credit, loves watching football and basketball, and likes to travel (especially to sporting events). He is a great catch.

He has been texting me LOT lately, daily. I am flattered, indefinitely. We both are career focused and have a lot in common. But, I'm hesitant for some reason. Maybe I am intimidated to like someone or love someone again, that I just shy away from it as a defense tactic. And maybe I'm also fearful of liking someone or loving someone because I know the possible outcomes due to personal experience. Or maybe I'm just confused that I am not sure of what I want. Or maybe it is everything meshed in one complex ball! I know I want to do well in my career and I do not want a person to get in my way of that. LOL, I am sounding a bit dramatic right now, I know. But, LADIES, do you remember when you were crushed with hurt in a relationship? Or you had anxiety due to your relationship because you did not know what to do with your piece of s*** man? I just think of all that mess I once dealt with and think, "Oh geez, I choose to not put myself in that position again."

Hi, my name is Crystal and I'm intimidated, fearful, and confused about this whole dating thing.

Do Native Women Feel Unworthy of Love?

I had a thought triggered while watching "Being Mary Jane" about my own life and the Native community at-large. Do Native women also feel not worthy of being loved and in a good relationship? Too often we see Native women being in abusive relationships. Too often we see Native women experience sexual assault and violence, and are those experiences permeating into our mental unconsciousness? Do we feel we are unworthy of love, a good and healthy type of love.

I have experienced being verbally and physically abused in a relationship, so I can understand some of my personal psyche. At the time I was young and did not know better. I thought maybe this is how love is supposed to be? I was naïve. I was clueless. I was in love. I dealt with a lot. However, I knew that what I was experiencing was not right - it did not feel right and I cried a lot.  I know for a fact that 90% of Native or more experience or have experienced verbal and/or physical abuse. If this is considered a norm in our community, how do we change it? How do we talk about it? In our community, talking about domestic violence is considered taboo, because we do not want to "rat" out people who do wrong things. We do not expose what is going in our household. However, that could be considered part of the issue. At the end, do you feel as a Native woman should you receive the best?

I also had an enlightenment from my own thoughts. Personally, I have been challenged with the rough world of academia. The academy constantly tells, especially women in color in science, that we are not smart enough-good enough-well trained enough. I wonder if the consistent harsh environment has seeped through my psyche unconsciously as well? In some aspects, it's as if the whole world is telling you that you're not good enough and how does that impact our personal relationships? How does it impact mine? Or does it? (A question I have to ask myself)

When we find a good man, do we also possess that imposter syndrome? The imposter syndrome is a thought that we are an imposter and do not belong here and this term is often used in people of color who are in academia. As Native women, do we psych ourselves out by finding something wrong with a good man because he is too good, and make excuses for the not so good men because that is our norm? If we do, then how do we change our personal framework and demand-expect-receive-believe better?