Educated Women

Being an educated, young, professional woman, I have personally experienced various dating/relationship issues. In addition, to confirm my frustrations, many of my friends, colleagues, and peers who are educated experience similar issues. One common theme I myself encounter and often hear from men is that it is very difficult to date “us” for various reasons. I heard I could be portrayed as: confident, boozy, expect too much, expensive, blunt, make them feel like less of a man and assertive just to give a few examples. From personal experience, they have told me they feel: intimidated, not needed, and jealous. Through my dating experiences, I have definitely felt the male insecurities, which are frustrating!

Minority women are strong women in general with or without an education. However, education gives us access to more opportunities that pave the way for career growth, financial gain, and a strong voice in the professional environment. I know as minority women and overcoming many obstacles to achieve higher education, we form thick skin through our tribulations within the academic environment alone. I am speaking for myself because I feel that I have found my voice while attending Arizona St. University (ASU) as an undergraduate student. I was a double major at ASU (B.S. Microbiology; B.A. Communications) and I was usually the only Native American student in all my classes. In my Communications coursework, I had to take classes that discussed gender, class, and race topics. Since I was the only Native in my classes, I felt I had to speak-up and communicate how I or Natives perceive such issues and how it pertains to us. Some of those topics became heated! The more I climb my education and career trajectory; I am often faced with other forms of obstacles in institutionalized environments, as I’m sure many minority men/women do. As a young, professional woman I would like men to support us and not feel intimidated by our accomplishments. It would be nice if they sent us flowers at work or encourage us when finals are near. Support, understanding, and encouragement are some key ingredients to winning our hearts!

Unhealthy Past

I need to fall back on my two previous blogs I wrote recently, which were: Native Women and Low Self-esteem and When is it time to leave? I know that there are underlying issues that are the foundation for these problems. I have explored an additional common theme I hear after talking with many Native people, that is they have either witnessed or been a victim of domestic violence. I assume that about 80%of Native women have encountered this unfortunate disposition. Why is domestic violence so prevalent in our communities? Well, back again to history: the White man came, tried to kill us all, but then thought that wasn’t the “Christian” thing to do so then they thought assimilation would be more justifiable to God than genocide. So, they dismantled our familial life by stealing kids away from our homes and placing them in boarding schools. Hmm boarding schools do not sound so bad, right? First, by kidnapping these kids and disconnecting them from their families, communities, land, language, and culture created “monsters.” This single act drastically tore individuals apart which spread into our communities like a wildfire. How do you know how to love when you were not around it? These kids were beaten, sexually molested, and raped and now passed these horrible patterns from generation to generation.

When is it time to leave?

When is it time to leave an unhealthy relationship? We all should have an idea of what an unhealthy relationship consists of; lying, cheating, being taken advantage of, constant arguing, physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. I understand we have all been in vulnerable situations because for most people being somewhat vulnerable in relationships is a silent requirement. But, I have noticed that as Native women, we all know that when we truly love a man, there is nothing in this world we wouldn’t do for him and we have his back in every capacity imaginable, because we love hard! However, if he takes our good loving for granted and constantly abuses our love, how do we determine a temporary “rut” in a relationship versus being in an unhealthy relationship? I have come across many beautiful Native sisters in my life, but I return back to the low self-esteem theme as a major reason why my sisters will not leave their man. One Native sister in particular I met recently stated that she used to have a great life, great career, etc...until she met her boyfriend. She followed him to an urban city, couldn’t find a job, and cannot seem to connect to her partner. She seems in denial that he may be cheating and is an alcoholic, but she keeps holding onto the “good” times, which has not happened for them in a long time. In the process, she keeps putting herself down. I almost want to shake her and tell her, “GIRL, wake-up, he doesn’t want you!” But, who am I to say that, I know she will leave when she is ready. I believe that with her and many other Native sisters’ situations, their main reason for staying is lack of self-confidence. Many think they cannot make it on their own, especially if they have kids. For those who are in those situations, I hope and pray that you will have the courage and strength to leave someday. That is why as Native women we should build a great support system for our sisters, instead of being judgmental or “hating.” We should uplift each other! If we cannot do this for ourselves, who will?

Native Women Self-esteem

A re-occurring theme that I have been hearing lately: Native American women and low self-esteem. I wonder why many of “us” Native women have continually in the past or present day experience issues with engaging in unhealthy or unbalance relationships. I have always considered myself a strong and independent woman; I have not lived at home since I was 14 years old and feel I have accomplished some important things in life. However, I once got stuck in a phase where I stayed in unhealthy relationships. I felt that is what was “normal” at the time and justified it by saying to myself that all relationships have problems. But when is it time that you distinguish that this relationship is “unhealthy’ and when do you know when it is time to leave? I wonder if I stayed because of the acceptance of unhealthy relationships among my peers and family members. I also wonder about the level of self-esteem of women who stay in unhealthy relationships…including mine at the time. As Native women, we are STRONG women! We need to understand the importance of our self-worth, which plays into every aspect of our lives, especially within relationships. I have gotten some quotes from some Native women and their perspective, when I posed the question, “Do you think women who stay in verbally/physically abusive relationships have low self-esteem as compared to women who do not?
-“I would have to say yes..that he is the only one who even bothered to say hi or give any attention in the first place..so low self esteem plays a big part..but as someone who’s been thru it..I survived n the low self esteem is gone n Im livin a happy single life..with the help of my kids n family”

-“Yes sissy cuz I just ended a five year battle with a guy I thought I was totally in love with but for all the wrong reasons...the whole relationship was doomed from the start cuz we were both just lookin for someone to fill a hole haha! Stuck with him only cuz I didn't want to be alone... I know better now!!! Glad I went through it tho!”

-“i think it depends on the woman, and how they determine the word "love" to them? we dont all think alike...some its easy to walk away n others its hard? but regardless we all need to heal cause even verbal abuse hurt”

-“i dont think so...a woman who leaves from an abusive relationship has the confidence to move on to the next one”

-“totally.. once a man tears down a woman spirit and for all she could have been or is worth she comes to believe it herself which makes her very insecure with no confidence and definitely low self esteem. It is depressing to see woman in this state of mind..I believe they should hold themselves high in the pyrmaid of life..(besides our Lord) since we are the only being that can procreate... I have not been down that road and I definitely know better”

-“I have seen many women enter a relationship full of self confidence only to be torn down by the bullying and the power grabber. Best book to avoid getting into that situation - read "Prince Harming Syndrome - Breaking Bad relationship patterns for good"! - Great advice in it. such as finding someone who lets you be authentic and considers disagreements as opportunities for growth and education.”

-“We all have a certain level of low self-esteem. And it usually starts in our teens or sometimes earlier in our development as a woman. Abusive companions multiply our level of low self- esteem...which creates "monsters"

-“Ask 'why?' four times: women in abusive relationship have low self-esteem, why? They are slowly demeaned and undermined by the men in their lives. Why? Because the men in their lives feel they have a right to treat the ones they should love in this way. Why? Because we live in a society that upholds men's power over women, and reinforces misogyny. Why? Because our nations (be they 'free' or colonised) are founded upon someone's god who gave men this right”

Experience

As I stand by the bar, I get approached by some random non-Native guy. Shortly into our conversation, he asks “What are you?” If I can get a $1 for every time I had to answer that question I think to myself.
Because I frequently get asked this question whether I’m at Subway or at a club, or whether I am in Arizona or in New York City. I entertain myself by asking right back, “What do you think I am?” I have gotten every racial/ethnic background imaginable, but the most common ones are: Asian mixed with something else, Black mixed with something else, or Latina mixed with something else. I have had 2 people in my lifetime guess Native American; 1 guy selling CD’s in mid-town Manhattan and the other at a bar/restaurant in Atlanta. I find it funny that every one seems uncomfortable about racial ambiguity. From my personal perspective, I find it very annoying when I say I am full-blooded Native American and the person who asks about 95% of the time says, “I’m part Cherokee” or “I’m part Indian too, but I don’t know my tribe!” I get annoyed but then I feel bad because I feel that they have a certain confusion about whom they are and where they come from. By me being Native; I start to think that although I am not currently living on the Rez, I am still whole-heartedly a Rez girl. I think about how “us” rez girls grew up and our men around us. I’m not putting down our Native men nor am I saying that there are absolutely zero good Native men, but I known plenty of women who have grown up around broken homes and/or marriages. Our men, although we love them very much, have made our moms, grandmas, aunts, sisters, and nieces go through many hardships; domestic violence, men being alcoholics, men cheating, men going into the prison/jail system, jobless, cheating, and THE god’s gift to earth syndrome. I personally feel a lot of our men have endured so much from colonization. But, there is no excuse for some of the things they put us through. I know a lot of my fellow tribal women feel they have to stay so I leave that upon them to make their choice. But, as Native women, it’s hard for us to learn what a “healthy” relationship is and what that may consist of based on our family and friends experiences. Can you as a Native woman tell me that your parents and most of your friend’s parents have established and maintained a “healthy” relationship? I must sadly that this illusion is few and far between as a Native women. What happened to our tribal stability that starts with familial stability? In a lot of cases, it was downhill when colonization, assimilation hit our communities by “trying” to break our spirit, which in a way they did. That must be a large reason why we have; broken families, highest high school drop out rate out of any racial/ethnic group, highest poverty rate out of any racial/ethnic group, and healthy disparities. One by one I will touch on men and their discrepancies and ours as well. What do you think?

Introduction

As I was starring at my eyebrows looking for those pesky little hairs to tweeze I started to take a deep look at myself. It’s a well known fact that I am a woman. But, there’s much more to me than that, which I’m sure every female is aware of their personal uniqueness: good or bad. I resume back to what makes me the “core” of my inner-self. I am a Navajo woman. For centuries, the Navajo people, especially the women have displayed the true essence of strength and resiliency. We survived the “Long Walk” in 1864 in which the US government made thousands of Navajo people walk 300 miles to Fort Sumner in New Mexico. We were forced to leave our homeland and to leave the protection of the Four Sacred Mountains. We were forced to live in starvation, to live in diseased living conditions, and to live inhumanely. We survived as a Nation and eventually returned back to our original homeland. As Native people we survived genocide, cultural assimilation and relocation that have occurred since 1492. Although we still face tremendous disparities in every facet imaginable, our spirit is not broken. I am proud to say that our tribal people overcame many obstacles and we still remain culturally and spiritually connected to our heritage. With that being said, through my dating experiences, there are often reoccurring statements I hear, such as: “Native women are mean”, “Native women are stubborn”, “Native women are hard to date”, “Navajo women are the meanest”, or “Crystal, why are you so aggressive?”, “Crystal, you are not the easiest person to date”. My list of phrases can go on and on, but I assume you get the point. Now, referencing back to what makes us “Native”, we have incorporated all the strength and resilience our ancestors had to endure because it runs through our blood. Most Native American tribes are matriarchal. We trace our lineage through our mother and we hold honored places in our tribes. We have no choice but to be strong; to be strong for ourselves, our families, and for future generations. It’s safe to say I find it annoying when men say things like that. I find that they are intimidated by our strength because their weaknesses are highlighted and we let them know what their weaknesses are. We let them know, not because were “mean”, but because we deserve the best and we expect our men to step up to the plate. We may not communicate it the best sometimes, but being blunt about things is in our nature. Ladies, what do you think? I will be back soon to talk about many more topics about us and dating/relationships.