Caribbean Thoughts!

Before I left on my trip Monday I had THE closing conversation with my ex. We said all we had to say for closure. A lot of things that were said hurt me but I listened thoroughly. I took what he had to say as constructive criticism but yet it made me angry and hurt all at the same time. I felt so many emotions and thoughts during that conversation, which consisted of: I needed to hear this to move on, I was HURT, wow, did he really say that?, he’s playing the victim now?, was I really that bad of a girlfriend?, well if you fee like that then how come you are still in communication?, I appreciate his honesty, and I’m relieved we finally had this much needed conversation regardless of how much it hurt me. Needless to say there were a lot of thoughts and emotions going on. I thought how great, this happens right before I leave for Paradise! So, I get to St. Thomas, and as soon as I get there I meet other students who are from Cal State-Long Beach and Spelman. My mind quickly becomes pre-occupied with conference related logistics. Within the next few days I am attending this great conference and meet SO many inspiring people. I even got offered a few post-doc fellowships! I am sitting in Paradise listening to great researchers and I feel excited for a bright future ahead of me!! I feel that my life is going in the right direction and maybe this all needed to happen because I know I need to leave Las Vegas in order to “change the world” sort of speak. I think of all the work that needs to be done in Indian Country and we need up and coming leaders to assist with positive changes. Maybe I am one of them? IDK. But, I feel I have a sense of purpose. This makes me think about what my grandparents have prayed for and continue to pray for and this is the reason why I sit in St. Thomas surrounded by leaders. I felt empowered. I felt I am blessed. I felt I can move forward from this past relationship easier because instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and feeling sad, I am in Paradise surrounded by wonderful people who are dedicated to changing the world! I am here for FREE experiencing THE moment. So, I indulged in every moment. I listened to leaders. I laughed with new-found friends. I drank rum with colleagues and friends and toasted and cheered Caribbean nights away. I swam in the clear blue waters. I sat in the white sand beaches. I went snorkeling with exotic fishes. I listened to reggae and danced. I ate flavorful foods. I drank flavorful rums. I mentally relaxed. But, there was one moment in particular that will be embedded in my mind forever, which was the experience of Trunk Bay beach in St. Johns Island. This beach was absolutely beautiful. It turns out that the beach closes at 3 pm and our group of 8 happened to get there at 5:15 pm. We did not know it closes so early. So we get there and have this entire beach to ourselves! It was like a movie, being in an exotic island and it was all ours to experience! We had brought drinks and food. We splashed in the water, we laughed, we jumped waves, we ate, we drank, we screamed, and we encouraged each other. I remember I came out of the water and sat alone in the white sands and looked at the clouds that were white and perfectly placed like a picture. The shades of the sky were all different pastel colors because the sun was setting. The white sands were soft and inviting. The water was blue, perfect temperature, and indulging. I sat there alone looking at my friends jumping the waves and embraced their smiles and laughter. I embraced the scenery and the water. I had a moment to myself that involved my spirit, my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul, and they all seemed uniform in that moment. I was brought back to a pure humble space. I thought about my life from the beginning to now. I thought of me being this REZ girl who was granted many blessings for me to experience this moment. After all, we live for moments like these. This moment was pure and clear. This moment gave me strength. I thought about going to ceremonies and remembering my grandparents who prayed for me and their songs/prayers. I thought about my mom, dad, and relatives at home. I thought about my life and my future path. I thought about ME. I felt I need to shake of all negativity because in reality I really have nothing to be sad about. I needed that. Since Saturday, I have carried the feeling of that moment back with me. This feeling will supersede any of my pain, hurt, struggles, and challenges most definitely. However, I know healing of these negative emotions will take time, and I am ready to take this head-on.

Again

What is it about relationships? I’m talking about ALL relationships that are not family bonded that include romantic relationships and friendships. Is that old cliché’ true that everyone can be in your life for a lifetime or a season? Or they were just there to teach you a lesson? Or is it simple enough that one of you messed up in the relationship and that is the consequence of the relationship, it ends. For those of you who actually read my blog I must admit my relationship ended weeks ago. I am being vulnerable by even writing this right now but maybe this is a start of my outlet to help me release my pain. This time has been difficult for me and my first challenge was to acknowledge and comprehend that it is really over, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, I keep telling myself. Because I went through those stages of being angry at my former relationship, which made me “OK” with the ending of it at first because of all the anger that I possessed towards him, towards us, or just anger in general. When I was angry I was not sad. I had a sense of relief that it was over for the first couple of weeks. Then my feelings went from angry to missing him. I was no longer angry at the relationship so I started to possess hope that maybe we could work it out. I started to decipher our communication and would analyze what he said/didn’t say. Then more recently, I acknowledge that it is really done. Now, I am in the grieving process, which is the hardest. I keep thinking to myself, another relationship of mine ended? What is wrong with ME? Frankly, I already know my faults and shortcomings. I made excuses for them and had justifications as to why I acted or reacted to certain things. However, one lesson I take from this former relationship is that no matter how frustrated/angry/resentful I may get at a person it gave me no right to be disrespectful. I know at times it’s hard not to say or do harsh things when emotions are involved but it’s still my lesson I needed to take away from all of this. I keep reminding myself of the good ole’ clichés we all love so much during a break-up; “If it’s meant to be then you will find your way back to each other”, “If you love someone let them go and if they don’t come back then they were never yours to begin with”, “Time heals all pain”. *Sigh. I will cry. I will hurt. I will have sleepless nights. I will be alone and hate it. I will grieve. But with time I will heal. I will be ok. I will love again. This too shall pass.

Right to be HAPPY!

For me, I put up with a lot of unnecessary bullshit from men. At times I did it because I was young, stupid, and naïve. Other times, I did it because I felt like I did not deserve better because I was insecure about myself. Mind you, these words are powerful so let me repeat this, I FELT LIKE I DID NOT DESERVE “happiness.” At times, I did it because I put my happiness in my man’s hands hoping HE would change. That did not work because I cannot control someone else’s actions but I can only control MINE. So I had to take that control back and gear it towards MY happiness. Other times, it was simple enough that I loved him and that was it. But I had to realize that LOVE is termed loosely if it does not include respect and security. So, I had an epiphany: I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! I have an inherent right and human right to be happy. I control that destiny but as women I feel we fail to acknowledge and allow ourselves to practice that basic human right, to be HAPPY! So simple but yet can be the most complex emotion to achieve at times it seems. Especially, when it comes to love and relationships. As women, as Native women, we give a LOT of ourselves to our partner, families, and communities because we come from a strong cultural support system that encompasses; our families, clanship system families, and community. WE GIVE because that is part of our cultural teachings to constantly think about the greater good of our nuclear family, extended family, clanship families, and community. Therefore, it is in our blood and cultural teachings TO GIVE. It’s a great thing and I respect those that live in that mindset because I do too. However, like all women do, we give so much and do so much for others because that also makes us happy but we also forget about OURSELVES. When do we ever sit back and think this is WHAT I WANT, I NEED, I EXPECT? It seems as if were always the one sacrificing OUR needs, wants, and expectations to ensure the other is happy. I know a relationship is a give and take and I cannot constantly feel like it is all about ME but I feel I need to take a close look at my relationship to see if this is working. I DESERVE to be: HAPPY, SECURE, LOVED, SPOILED, RESPECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I don’t feel those things on a consistent basis then is this relationship really for ME? Because at the end of the day “I DESERVE”. And so do you girl!

Financial Matters

I look at the “Sex and the City” show and can relate to a lot of their relationship mishaps and experiences, however, one big thing I notice is I only date minority men. I know in their show, they date, predominantly successful White men in Manhattan. What about our story of the financial and educational demographics of the men in our dating pool; whether they are Native, Black, Latino, or Hawaiian/Pacific Islander? I will not put Asian men in this category because they, well, they have their own socioeconomic and educational status that does not reflect our communities (just keepin’ it real). And if you date White men, that’s cool, but your dating stories could be much different than mine. However, as for me, it is likely that it will be much more difficult for me to meet a man in my educational/socioeconomic bracket based solely on statistics. But it’s not impossible either but sometimes it sure feels like it! But here are some things to consider, how much do finances matter in a relationship? If you are not financially compatible then how much conflict results within your relationship? For example, if you are financial responsible and your partner is financially irresponsible, then how do you figure that out? Your partner’s financial irresponsibility might have led him/her to have “bad credit” and since you may have “good credit”, then does everything fall upon you to “put” everything in your name? What if you get married and that brings down your credit score and it makes it difficult to purchase a house, car, or other assets as a couple? What if your partner makes significantly less money than you? And you are supplementing your partners income by paying more because they are unable to? Also, what if you are saving money to put down a house payment because you are able to do so but your partner needs their money on a day-to-day basis, so you are the only person “saving” for a down payment for you to be able to purchase a house together? Also, what if your partner has kids and you do not have kids together, and his first financial priority is to himself and his children, then you and your life together are always put on the back burner? I think about these things a lot, especially when in a serious relationship and how I envision my life to be with my partner. Will I sacrifice some things to gain other, like a relationship with a man who cannot provide as much as I want? Or will this cause too much of a conflict within the relationship and you feel you are not compatible in that area? I know money does not mean everything but when you are trying to figure out your individual expenses and expenses as a couple, then realistically it can cause a lot of friction because one will feel they are giving more than the other at times. However, everyone has their own thoughts about this and their own system that works for them.

Coming or Going

I have a story I heard. So what are important “boundaries” in a relationship? How do you decide them, implement them, and if your partner crosses it, how do you address it? Based on this story, the boyfriend does not have a job and the girlfriend has been paying 100% of the bills. Tension has built up from financial stressors and lack of financial distribution from the boyfriend. It has been 2+ years since the girlfriend has been paying for everything. The boyfriend contributes in other areas but there is still tension. Arguments result from this situation. The girlfriend is always annoyed and frustrated and feels like she has tried to communicate in everyway that her boyfriend needs a JOB. She feels like he should be on the grind to get a job or go back to school to do something productive with his life. He feels like she “nags” him all the time and she tries to “control” him by her telling him what to do and how to do it. He gets defensive when she tries to talk to him about finding a job and shuts down and she feels she can’t get through to him. He feels if she stops being a “bitch” then he’ll feel he will want to do more for her but she feels she can’t stop being a “bitch” because she is frustrated that he has not gotten a job. This has been a daily struggle for these two and nothing seems to be working except avoiding each other so they don’t argue. So in a week: 1. The boyfriend does not come back all night on Saturday (does not call to let her know he is staying at his boys because he is too drunk). 2. So he comes back Sunday at 9 am and the girlfriend “kicks” him out with his clothes outside and will not let him in the house and tells him to leave. He leaves as she wishes and does not come back or call the rest of Sunday but the girlfriend is okay with that because she needed time to cool down. 3. Monday am he comes back. Later, she leaves Monday evening to watch Monday night football and she comes back at 1 am. He does not want to go with her to watch the game. When she gets back he is not there and he is at his cousins house because she calls him. She tells him it’s 1 am so you mind as well stay there the rest of the night because she’s frustrated. 4. Tuesday she asks her boyfriend to do something together that evening. He says I am going over to my friends house later and she gets upset because she feels, AGAIN and that he doesn’t care. (But he never goes to his friends house) 5. Wednesday she gets off work and calls him. He’s at his friends house and he tells her he will be back before 11 pm. She calls him and she starts telling him he’s behavior is inappropriate and intolerable. She talks about “boundaries” with him. He tells her she’s trippin’ out and he’s not coming back by 11 pm because she’s trippin. She tells him not to come back and to move out of the house on Thursday. 6. Thursday comes and he tells her he will leave the house later that afternoon. She comes back and he is still there but she gets her house key back. She leaves to watch Thursday night football and he tells her he will leave but when she gets back that night he is still there. She needs space from him and she is frustrated he did not leave. Thursday and Friday night he stays there. They are cordial to each other. 7. Saturday comes and she has things to do so she leaves. They talk a little during the day and early evening and he tells her he will call her back. He never calls her and she never calls him because she want so see if her will call her and come back to the house at a decent hour. He does not come back until Sunday at 5 am. She’s done at this point! (She feels like he does not care, has no respect for her or the relationship based upon his actions, especially when she pays for everything) I had another talk with a friend last week as well. She’s married and she told me about her and her husband’s relationship. But the consistent theme throughout all my conversations this week is about “boundaries”; what is unacceptable in a relationship. How do couples communicate and decide together what is unacceptable? One of my friends says sometimes she will write on a chalkboard what her husband needs to do in terms of doing “chores around the house” instead of texting/stating it to him and that works. She said when they got married that distribution of household chores made them argue a lot and they had to find a way to communicate on those issues. I guess relationships are hard at times, everyone I speak to says so. I am no relationship guru but I just write about daily struggles about them.

Relationship Meltdown

Have you ever hit that relationship drowning stage that you feel you and your relationship are drowning and there’s no safety net to save you? I mean that point to where you both get on each other’s nerves, there’s tension, you feel you can’t communicate because it always turns into an argument, blaming each other is involved, there’s no understanding, there’s no love it seems, and there’s no intimacy (not even as much as a hug). And your scared to verbalize your feelings of LOVE for fear of rejection because your relationship is in a sensitive place that even the slightest rejection of a hug or touch makes you feel mad all over again because you feel that was an attempt to reconcile….so you just don’t do anything to stay in that “safe” emotional place. However, deep down you want to hug and kiss your partner and scream from the bottom of your lungs “I LOVE YOU, LET’S FORGET ALL THIS PETTY STUFF, AND LET’S JUST NOT ARGUE ANYMORE!” But you don’t and you wait until you can try to organize your emotional chaos because your also harboring frustration from past arguments or past resentments. Your just impatiently waiting for the storm to pass over but every second, minute, hour, days, weeks, months or however long you are in that emotional storm seems like things will never change. BUT under all the haze and clouds you KNOW that you deeply love each other but it’s just hard to see it and feel it at these points. I know that prayer and faith helps a lot with me during these times in the relationship. Also, at the end of the day knowing that my boyfriend loves me and we are still here and in this together helps me to know this storm will pass. It’s just part of the relationship game. We all go through ups and down but once you get through the tough times and become happy again then your relationship will grow stronger and will be better equipped to handle adversity.

Interracial dating - Family reaction

My first long-term relationship was with a half Navajo and half Black guy. So, even though I technically was interracially dating then it really didn’t feel like it because of the environment we were in, which was close to the Rez, and he was light-skinned. He looked Puerto Rican-ish so there was no drastic difference in skin color. Also, the biggest thing was he was Navajo as well and went to school near the Rez so there was no huge difference it seemed as dating him. However, when I had my first serious with relationship with a full-blooded Black male, my experience was completely different. I was the first person within both of my father’s and mother’s side of the family to date a Black man and bring him home! Mind you both sides of my family are very traditional Navajo’s meaning, they do not go to church and have maintained and exercise our Navajo ways. Due to the Navajo ways, it is culturally looked down upon to date interracially, especially to date a Black male. Also, a lot of the elders grew up on the Rez so they were not exposed or interacted with other races and there is fear of the unknown. I know my elders came into encounters with mainly White people so in a weird sense, they were more “comfortable” with White people versus any other racial/ethnic group. I know my parents were extremely concerned of what my elders would say to me and them because we respect what our elders have to say. In our culture, you represent your family, and if you do anything, it will always be a reflection of your family because they are the ones who raised you. I know my family was also nervous about what people would say about me and about them. Regardless, I told my family I am dating a Black guy and explained my position. Some opposed and some supported me but in the beginning everyone seemed apprehensive. Of course my generation did not care about this stuff. I had a tough time with this experience because I had a challenge of some extremely close family members disowning me, belittling me, and being non-supportive. On the flip side, I had the exact opposite from other family members, who supported my decision and embraced my relationship and my boyfriend at the time. I figure I am a strong person and I uphold my decision, and if you don’t like it then that’s your issue, not mine. Overtime, my family came to know this person and liked him. They embraced him and skin color was not an issue anymore. I know for a fact, well in my family at least, a lot of my family members are not exposed to different racial/ethnic groups. So, they do not know what to expect. I did notice that my family members who travel a lot were a lot more open about these types of things. Also, my grandpa who was a medicine man, the one everyone respects and takes his word as bond, was very accepting. I attribute his acceptance as not only he had a good heart but he was a World War II veteran and came across many racial/ethnic groups, so he had no reservations about “different” people. My grandpa supported my relationship and when he did, it seemed that everyone seemed “at-ease” about everything after that. Although I am not with the same boyfriend I had at that time I am glad I went through all those challenges to “change” the way my family saw things. With my current relationship they did not give me any negative outlook or feedback. They just simply accepted my decisions, my boyfriend, and me.

"Marrying the Game"

Last night me and my boyfriend were watching the reality TV show called, “Marrying the Game”, which is about the relationship of a famous rapper called “The Game” and his fiancée’ whom is a teacher. They were engaged and about to get married but it did not happen because the female felt he needed to make some changes before he became a husband. The male felt she will never be satisfied. So, she ended up moving out and they are still engaged but living separately trying to work on their relationship. Last night, she gave his ring back to him stating that it’s not like she will never marry him, but for him to hold onto the ring until they get back to that place their relationship was in when he asked her to marry him. I thought “Good for her!” But on the show she talked to an elder female who told her that her husband messed up when they were young and that you want him to act like a husband when your not even married, so you have to take a leap of faith that he will become the man you want AFTER you marry him. I totally disagree with that. Shouldn’t you marry the person he is and not the person you hope for him to be? I mean, me and my boyfriend had a small debate about it and he agreed wholeheartedly with the elder that basically said, marry him even though he isn’t the man you want him to be. It’s like saying go ahead and marry that – crack head-; -cheater-, or whatever and after you marry him, then have faith that they will change. My thing is if you love someone and you are committed to that person, regardless of marriage, then you should do everything you can to make your partner feel happy, safe, and secure in the relationship!

Too Controlling?

I remember as a kid my mom telling me “You go to school and get an education so you can become financially self-sufficient so you NEVER have to depend on a man.” Then, my dad teaching me to be a “strong” woman and telling me, “You will have to work much harder than anyone else because you are minority and you are a female.”

Also, I witnessed and still witness the way some of my male figures treated and treat their women. They were controlling, disrespectful, and dominant. I always told myself, “I would NEVER let any man treat me like that.”

Because of my experiences growing up with the fighting, competing, racism, and witnessing domestic issues, a lot of the times I define “being strong” as: not putting up with any bullshit, being aggressive, argumentative, and speaking my mind. However, I am learning that this is NOT the only way to be.

Because I have internalized those characteristics as “strength”, I have brought those negative traits into my relationship. Because I saw so many men disrespect my loved ones I believe I over-compensate on my “dealings” with men. For instance, if my boyfriend looks at another girl in front of me, I look at it as being disrespectful towards ME, and I lash out. I take everything personal that he does or says towards me and get mad at him. All because somewhere deep inside I didn’t want to be mistreated like my family members because my family members hardly spoke up and stayed in bad relationships. 

Therefore, I feel that if I am overly aggressive then I have “control” over my relationship for some reason. That would let my man know “I don’t put up with an bullshit” and he would not run over me, and that I would be in control. I tend to get upset, angry, and mad at EVERY little thing just to “prove” to myself that I am “strong.”

Then I sat back and had to think. My boyfriend said he wanted a “break” because he was tired of the “drama.” I was too tired of arguing and fighting. The joy of us having fun together was being diminished by re-occurring arguments. I had to re-think and re-adjust my mindset on what “strength” means to me all over again. Now “strength” to me in my romantic relationships is to not take everything personal, learn to truly trust he will not hurt me, and learn to trust him with my love. Because at the end all of my negative actions stems from fear of being hurt and lack of trust. 

Awkward BABY!

I have a position that is something I am not willing to give up. In being a Native woman, I have always wanted a full-blooded Native baby! Yes, I have dated Native men and love them but maybe it has not been in my destiny to “marry” one at this point. Regardless, of who I am and was dating, I have always known that I still wanted to have my full-blooded Native baby, either through artificial insemination or adoption.


I had a Black boyfriend and I communicated this at the beginning of our relationship and he must have thought I would have changed my mind as the relationship continued, but I didn’t. My mindset was you made your decision to have your kids before me and I made this decision before you but I didn’t have a chance to follow through with it. I respect you, your decision to have kids, and your kids, so why can’t you respect mine? I feel it’s no disrespect against you but this has been MY decision before you and I am not saying that you and I can’t have a child together because I would have your child in addition to my Native baby. I am not sure if this hurt his ego or anything but this discussion was meant to hurt no one, but merely to communicate my stance.

Years into our relationship we had a deep talk about it again (mind you he is a very prideful Black male and happy to be who he is). He stated “You know I love you to even be considering this...but I do not think I could ‘deal’ with you having another man’s baby in you…and when my friends say ‘congratulations’ but I say it’s not really my baby...I mean that’s a lot...have you thought about that?” He continues to say “But those things are not even really my real issues...my real issue is when you have this baby I will raise it and love it as if it will be my own and I will be the father...however, what if we don’t work out? Will you take that child out of my life because I am not the biological father and I will not have any rights to the child...have you thought about that?” So, I figured maybe adopting a child in this situation would be the better choice?

On a similar note, there was a situation that one of my niece’s friends (a Navajo girl) who was in junior high school. She came from an abusive family that had her going to and from different homes so my family embraced her and took her in. I told my family I would consider adopting her if she needed a stable place to stay and my boyfriend completely supported me in that decision and said “If you need any help then I’m here and I support your decision.” I thought “WOW…that is great to know!”

On another note, I have this Native male friend who is attractive, single, no kids, employed, and around my age. So, at one point I asked him if we were both single at a later date and had no kids, then would you ever consider being my sperm donor? He stated, “He would consider it and he would like to have a full-blooded Native baby as well.” Then we had a discussion again after he knew I had a Black boyfriend and he had a problem with this hypothetical arrangement because he said, “I would have an issue with a Black man raising my baby…have you thought about that?” I felt he would have an issue with ANY man raising his baby and this might be too close to home and was probably not the best idea to ask someone you know.

WELL, apparently there are MANY things for me to consider and many people’s feelings for me to consider! Conversations are still on-going…

Communication Blunders!

SO communication, communication, communication in a relationship is quite tricky at times or maybe all the time! After bickering and arguing on and off, you begin to notice that each of you do not or do not want to understand each other! How can you truly communicate with your partner so your view makes sense to them and vice versa? Seriously, I say blue and he hears black and vice versa. When I communicate something the other person completely hears and receives what I say as something else, in which, they may get defensive, mad, or confused. I attest that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Do all couples have a communication gap in their relationship? I suppose because you are taking two completely different people and spend day in-day out with this person and you will naturally incur issues, however, how do you work out your issues when your communication cue is off?

Whatever Works

“I was married once, and I would have to say it was successful, fun, and exciting for the first few years, until…we tried to be married like everyone else was married. Yes, I was immature back then... and didn’t have the communication skills to have a successful marriage. But the other issue was that my wife and I didn’t know how to customize our marriage to work for us! We ended as friends but we didn't deal with our marriage as wisely as we should have.


My advice to those who are serious about committing for the long term is to avoid modeling your relationship after your parents, friends, or what you see on TV. Take the important lessons from their examples but set your own standards and boundaries… and then tell everyone else to mind their own damned business!

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is allowing outsiders to influence how they conduct their relationship. Stop trying to have a normal relationship when you are clearly NOT normal! Dare to be different and have a unique relationship that works for you!" ~ Michael Baisden

I read this message from radio personality Michael Baisden and liked what he had to say. I mean why do relationships have to model the mainstream version of what marriage is portrayed as? I’m a Native and I do not see myself being the typical “American” because I am not. As Natives we have different worldviews about every element of our life, so why should we base our relationships upon what is mainstream American? For instance, one of my bosses (who is minority) said, “Crystal, you and I are not like a lot of other women in terms of our education/financial status…so when I was looking for my lifelong partner, he did not necessarily have to be the most educated or make the most money because I found that type of men boring to me..I was just looking for someone who was down..and you have to find what best fit is for you. Maybe you don’t need a man to make a lot of money, but his emotional support may be more important to you than his financial support.”

This made me think of my ideal roles in my envisioned future household. What would I want this picture to look like? I mean I hate cleaning, suck at cooking, hate doing laundry, I do not iron, I hate grocery shopping…so why would I want any man to expect those “female” dominated roles onto me when that’s not my forte’ and maybe vice versa. My specialty is making money…so maybe while I am at the office making money, which is my forte’, then my future husband can be at home cooking/cleaning!

Blurry Road

Have you ever been in a relationship that has its ups and downs? But, ultimately leading to more bad times than good? I think everyone has at some point of their previous or current relationships. It’s a confusing state to be in because two prominent questions quickly jump out in my mind:


1. Because we have a history and we truly do care and love each other, do we wait out the storm with hopes it will get better and we can overcome the issues?

1a. If so, how long will that take?

-I heard a radio interview of a couple that has been married for many decades. They spoke about how in their marriage that they had many issues at times, hated each other at times, and wanted to get a divorce at times, but they never did. They worked through their issues, although it seemed impossible at times. At the end of working through their issues, they fell back in love all over again, and again, and again.

2. OR do we say we waited long enough and it is not getting any better so let’s go our separate ways?

-As I think back to my previous relationships…I am actually really happy we broke up because we were not meant to be together! It was a blessing. So with that being said, should people break up if on-going issues arise?

It’s a gamble, ironically, I live in the gambling city in the WORLD. Do you end the current relationship, only to be in a worse relationship? Or do you end the current relationship, only to be in a better relationship?

Words of Advice

This past Sunday me and my homegirl went to a neighboring casino to watch the Ravens/Patriots game and I was wearing white Jordans/Knicks sweatshirt/Knicks hat. This 60 year old, light skin, Black man was sitting by me and he started talking to me randomly. He stated, “your tall and I’m scared of you.” LOL Then he proceeds to say, “Your dominant…I bet you control your man.” LOL I say no, “I’m a nice girl.”  He says in a nutshell, “No, your friend is nice…your tough and controlling..I bet with you it has to be your way all the time and if not then you get an attitude..why are you so angry? Let me tell you to give that man a break and not be so angry, I guarantee he will love you more for it.” Then he walks off. I was in total shock because I’m like this random guy does not even know me but was on point about it all. I took it as a sign!!! I need to be a lot calmer and nicer, especially to the man I love, not everything has to be a fight. 

Truth time, reflection time, real time

As I sit here I am facing my real harsh reality that maybe I am not always the GRAND person everyone perceives me to be. I have opposite demeanor traits that I am hurtful and shameful about. I feel broken but strong, I feel smart but feel stupid, I feel rich but poor, because I feel the natural dichotomy of life. As I shed tears of pride, hurt, love, heart broken-ness, success, and failure I have to remind myself that I am human. True reflection reveals every vulnerable position that I have ever been placed in and every flaw that I have ever endured within my past, current, and possible future road that I have to or will take. That in itself is scary. How do I encompass my revered flaws to overcome my individual life obstacles? Ironically the song “Bruised but not broken” by Joss Stone is playing over the air and that resonates some message. I am feeling that every person can make room for change and improvement in some facet of their daily lives, including me. I take personal blame on every capacity of my situations, because many of those situations resulted in my personal decisions. For I am human and with that comes truth, responsibility, and challenges that will ultimately result in courage and wisdom. This includes a ripple effect of an holistic paradigm that ultimately effects our personal lives, careers, friendships, family, and romantic relationships. Life can be hard so are we prepared to endure it with respect, compassion, passion, and love? These are lessons!

Throwback Intro

As I was starring at my eyebrows looking for those pesky little hairs to tweeze I started to take a deep look at myself. It’s a well known fact that I am a woman. But, there’s much more to me than that, which I’m sure every female is aware of their personal uniqueness: good or bad. I resume back to what makes me the “core” of my inner-self. I am a Navajo woman. For centuries, the Navajo people, especially the women have displayed the true essence of strength and resiliency. We survived the “Long Walk” in 1864 in which the US government made thousands of Navajo people walk 300 miles to Fort Sumner in New Mexico. We were forced to leave our homeland and to leave the protection of the Four Sacred Mountains. We were forced to live in starvation, to live in diseased living conditions, and to live inhumanely. We survived as a Nation and eventually returned back to our original homeland. As Native people we survived genocide, cultural assimilation and relocation that have occurred since 1492. Although we still face tremendous disparities in every facet imaginable, our spirit is not broken. I am proud to say that our tribal people overcame many obstacles and we still remain culturally and spiritually connected to our heritage. With that being said, through my dating experiences, there are often reoccurring statements I hear, such as: “Native women are mean”, “Native women are stubborn”, “Native women are hard to date”, “Navajo women are the meanest”, or “Crystal, why are you so aggressive?”, “Crystal, you are not the easiest person to date”. My list of phrases can go on and on, but I assume you get the point. Now, referencing back to what makes us “Native”, we have incorporated all the strength and resilience our ancestors had to endure because it runs through our blood. Most Native American tribes are matriarchal. We trace our lineage through our mother and we hold honored places in our tribes. We have no choice but to be strong; to be strong for ourselves, our families, and for future generations. It’s safe to say I find it annoying when men say things like that. I find that they are intimidated by our strength because their weaknesses are highlighted and we let them know what their weaknesses are. We let them know, not because were “mean”, but because we deserve the best and we expect our men to step up to the plate. We may not communicate it the best sometimes, but being blunt about things is in our nature. Ladies, what do you think? I will be back soon to talk about many more topics about us and dating/relationships.



P.S. I wrote this blog a long time ago but they started a new system on this blog and therefore all my previous blogs were erased