Shopping & Men…Same difference?

When someone asks you what do you want in a relationship? What do you think? What do you say? Do you know what you want? I mean truly-truly want? If you cannot answer this question then I’m suggesting that maybe you do not know what you really want and maybe you are not ready to be in a relationship at this point.

I had a somewhat funny epiphany last week. Last week I went to Ross (dress for less) store and I had my shopping cart. I started walking around the store browsing for “whatever” because I was not looking for a certain item in particular, I was just looking. About 1.5 hours in the store my shopping cart was filled with a bunch of clothes (pants, skirts, blouses, dresses). I literally had like about 30 items in my cart. I tried each item on and either it did not fit or it fit but did not look or feel right. Out of all my items I only purchased one pencil skirt for $15.99. I mean I spent like almost 3 hours in one store and walked out with one item! What a waste of time I thought. Have you ever done this? My guess if you are a female and you like to shop then you probably have.

 After my time spent at Ross I started thinking of the analogy of shopping and men. When we shop and try on garments, it is the process of elimination. We buy what “fits” and that makes us look/feel fabulous! Could we say the same thing about men? Dating is the process of elimination; we date until we find what “fits” and make us feel fabulous!

As stated previously when I went into Ross I wasted a lot of time browsing for anything. I did not go in with an idea of what I wanted or needed. I feel my time could have been more productive if I thought,” I need more business/casual dresses because I own very few.” Then I could have went into Ross and looked only in those aisles and left.  Same about men I think. We need to look for what we want instead of taking our time browsing in wrong aisles searching for something we do not need. Have you ever noticed that when men shop they already know what they want/need and go right in and buy it and they are out of the store within 15-20 minutes? So ladies, evaluate your closets/drawers and when you go shopping next time, shop with distinction! Shop like you are at the flea market in Gallup looking for that turquoise necklace and you evaluate every aspect of the quality of it before you purchase it. You know that necklace is unique and you know the quality of it and so you want it but you thoroughly evaluate it beforehand! Ayyyyeeeee!
Anyways I LOVE shopping so I thought this would hit the nail in the head with you likewise fashionistas! P.S. On a shopping note I bought my first pair of vintage Chanel earrings *sigh*.

Females and Masturbation Part II

I have had quite a bit of feedback on this whole “Women & Masturbation” piece I wrote last week! This blog will touch on new thoughts and display comments from some of my blog readers on my Facebook page relating to my previous piece.

As a Native (again speaking for myself and not all Native females out there) I was taught to have a relationship with self that includes relationship to my body/mind/spirit. Once you have a positive relationship with self, then that is when you can have a positive relationship with others; family, friends, intimate partner, and community. And vice versa, if you have a negative relationship with self, then you are bound to have negative relationships with others. Therefore, I find it extremely important to know your body! In general, as females we HAVE to know our body in some form because we deal with things such as menstrual cycles, pregnancy, menopause, etc. Our bodies are complicated beings. For example, men have a natural physiological/biological hormone regulator so they do not have high hormone production because it is regulated, whereas females we do not have a natural hormone regulator, so our hormones go haywire at times. It is biologically/physiologically mandated for us to be hormonal whenever we want because we cannot help it (Yes, tell this little tidbit to your man!).

Ok, back to my point, which is if we spend that much time/effort understanding our bodies then I personally feel it is also important to know the intimate side as well. What turns you on? What doesn’t? What touch feels right? In what space? One person commented, stating, “When I did sexuality education nearly 20 years ago we used to talk about masturbation. Weird we can talk about sex as women, but not the art of self-pleasure. If we don't know what works for our own bodies, how will we know how to share these joys with our lovers?? No wonder many men are clueless.”  This Native female had a great point. Are we shy to talk about the art of self-pleasure? If we are shy, then how can we effectively communicate with our partner(s) about issues relating to “sex” or “sexual acts?” To me masturbation is merely knowing your body: it’s healthy, it’s normal, it’s pleasurable, it’s a safe alternative to practice abstinence! Once you get comfortable in this space then you can maximize the experience for yourselves and/or your partners as well. To verify my last sentence, a Native male stated he liked it when females masturbated “Bcuz it turns me on,when i see a woman masturbating... maybe its just me personally but im sure alot of men wouldnt mind watching... and also get turned on by it.”

 However, growing up none of my family members talked to me in-depth about “sex” or “sexual acts.” One of my questions was asked by a FB reader asking: “Dont you have a grandfather who is a medicine man? What does he say?” My grandparents/elders never talked about "sex" in terms of the act of it and how it affects our life. They of course talked a lot about self-respect and how that plays into every aspect of our lives, which I assumed included not having “sex” at an early age or having lots of sexual partners.

 At the end of the day I encourage each of you to consider being open to masturbation and open to communicating about it to your circle (female friends, daughters, nieces, moms, aunts, and partners). Because it is healthy, normal, pleasurable and safe (if done alone)!!

 P.S. here are a few comments that others have written on my FB page.

 Finally! Women were once thought of by cultures & societies to be the sexual aggressors, appetites for pure pleasure. Then things changed as women's sexual selves were silenced, controlled, violated, or defined by the non-female. It's about time for the ndn view!-DN (Native female)

 Interesting...I know our parents and grandparents didnt talk about it openly, however I was very open about the subject with my children. They were embarrassed of course but they know I am not embarrassed to talk about it. I agree, it all a part of life. –RG (Native female)

 In our Hopi/Pueblo society, sex is a topic at the dinnertable and at ceremony, participation by both young and old. I remember two years ago at a dance, the clowns rounded up all the young boys and girls in the plaza and told them they were going to have sex ed since their parents dont teach them. First they lined up the boys and brought out blow up dolls and taught them the art of oral sex and points of pleasure on a woman. the girls were given penis suckers and...well of course the parents and grandparents quickly grabbed their kids. good article tho.-JJ( Native male)

 

Augsut "meeting" ventures

#1. As I was crying in my fave bar to my BFF a male approaches me and says “You’re very pretty.” I look at him with watery and red eyes and I’m like REALLY, as my make-up is probably messed up too. Anyways he invites us to have a drink with him and his friends and for the next hour I have a blast. We exchange numbers. For the following next two days he asks me to lunch and both days I couldn’t make it. He patiently asks when I can and I said in 1.5 weeks I can. He calls me on a Wed. night (1.5 weeks later) wanting to see if I can meet up with him but its late notice and I can’t so I ask him can we wait until tomorrow? As we’re on the phone talking he tells me that I don’t seem like I am “prioritizing” men and I seem distant in general from relationships. I’m thinking this may be kinda true. This guys is 28 years old, has one child, and a chef at a new hotel/casino in Vegas. He seemed extremely nice. Next day, something comes up on my end and I end up canceling with him AGAIN. I felt bad and he no longer contacted me. Maybe I messed that one up, oh well.

 

#2. This was NOT by far a date or in any way shape or form or was it scheduled to be. Me and my girl were at our fave bar and there is this guy who my other homegirl knows. I am acquainted with this guy but do not know him. Mind you, he’s so NOT my type (as you know I only date men of color). Come to find out me, my girl, and him are all ASU Alumni! So we all start talking about the Las Vegas Chapter ASU Alumni Association and the related events. So, he asks for my number saying maybe we ALL should go and hang out (group thing..so I thought). Next thing you know later that night he texted me right off and our convo went like this:

 

Him: “Can I get you a pedicure tomorrow?”

Me:  I personally thought that was an odd thing to ask right off the back and I state, “Thanks, but I already got one two days ago.”

Him: “Oh, well can I treat you to dinner/drinks if you’re interested.”

Me: “I’m ONLY interested in being friends and I am always down to kick it with people who like sports and who want to have some drinks but on a cool basis, nothing more.”

Him: “I like sports so we can be cool, so can we meet up tomorrow?”

 

So I go and it was awkward. He was not as talkative and I tried to keep up a conversation about school/sports but at times it was like pulling teeth. I’m thinking I doubt I can kick it with him on a homie level because he’s too quiet and I doubt we can ever hang out unless there is a huge group, like an ASU Alumni event thing. He’s a nice guy and I am hoping we could be homies. He’s an ASU Alumni and a lawyer.

So the next day he texts:

 

Him: “It was good seeing you yesterday….we should go to an ASU Alumni event.”

Me: “Cool, they’re fun!”

Him: “Can I get you a pedicure Sunday?”

Me: S’up with this dude and feet I think and I state, “I hang out with my homegirl on Sundays and I don’t know what our plans are so I’ll have to pass.”

 

Ok, now this has turned creepy, lol! I mean is it me or is it weird a dude keeps sweatin’ me on him getting me a pedicure? Oh and he compliments me on my feet saying how my most recent one looks great. I think it’s odd all the way around. *Sigh*

 

This past year I’ve dated a doctor and a broker. I’ve met many professional men that were interested but I felt/feel that I couldn’t connect with them on a compatible/mental/emotional/ social level. With that being said I miss a certain someone from my past that I probably took for granted after meeting different men from all walks of life because he got me and understood me. Dating is soooo GRRRR…uggghhh….and WTF’s!! As a Native girl this is a small tidbit into my so-called “dating” life that I've experienced within the past two weeks. What are some of your random dating stories?

Females and Masturbation

I got your attention, didn’t I! I had a conversation with one of my supervisor’s yesterday evening (who is a Native female) and I was talking to her about my dissertation project, which is to adapt an evidence-based HIV/teen pregnancy/sexually transmitted infections prevention intervention for Native youth and pilot test it. Then the conversation led itself into Natives and “cultural belief” systems in terms of sex and sexuality. I told her that Navajo’s (my tribe) do NOT talk about two things; SEX and DEATH. Us Navajos (jawns) are extremely conservative when we discuss these issues, even when discussing the very surface of it (I can imagine some of my family members discomfort now). However, I feel I am not shy or reluctant to talk about these issues, but when I bring it up to family I can sense their uneasiness, so I stop talking about it. Why are us Navajo’s so uncomfortable with these topics?? (I cannot speak for other tribes)

 As for my supervisor, she told me that within her tribe they discuss sex and death because those two topics are a part of the circle of life. You have to have sex to bring life into the world and death is a part of living. These are natural entities that should be discussed and have no shame/fear/uncomfortableness because in a nutshell, it is all a part of LIFE. I completely agree!

 So this brings me into a subject area that I feel not many people discuss. I’ve read countless articles on the acceptance and promotion of male masturbation. However, there has been minimal promotion of female masturbation and/or maybe the acceptance or acknowledgement of it as well.

 WebMD (http://www.webmd.com/women/features/female-masturbation-5-things-know) stated “ Men may talk about it more often, but women do it, too. More than half of American women 18-49 masturbate at least once every 3 months, according to a study from The Kinsey Institute, and that’s true for single women and those who are coupled up. Self-pleasure doesn’t have the stigma it once did, says Nicole Prause, PhD, but myths still affect the way that some women feel about it -- and how they do (or don’t) touch themselves.”

 Also, according to WebMD, here are five things you should know about masturbation.

 1. It’s good for you.

Masturbating increases blood flow throughout your body and releases feel-good brain chemicals called endorphins. “That may explain why there’s a clear mood benefit, even if you don’t orgasm,” says Prause, a sexuality researcher at UCLA. And while men are more likely to talk about blowing off steam by masturbating, research suggests it’s a stress-reliever for both sexes. “It takes your mind [off your worries] while activating areas of the brain associated with pleasure,” Prause says.

 2. It improves your sex life.

Masturbation can make you sexually comfortable and confident. “It puts you in touch with your desires and gives you the chance to get to know your own body,” says sexuality educator Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD. “Experimenting with what feels good and makes you respond positively can lead to better sexual experiences, both alone and with a partner.” If you have trouble reaching orgasm, it’s a private, stress-free way to try different types of touch and pressure to see what helps you climax, Fulbright says.

 3. It can ease postmenopause sex problems.

Many women see changes during menopause. Masturbation can help, says Judi Chervenak, MD, a gynecologist at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City. “The vagina can actually narrow, which can make intercourse and vaginal exams more painful.” But masturbation, especially with a water-based lubricant, can help prevent narrowing, boost blood flow, relieve some tissue and moisture problems, and increase sexual desire, Chervenak says.

 4. It doesn’t have to be quick (or end with an orgasm).

The media may suggest otherwise, but masturbation isn’t just a “quickie” experience. That’s OK. “Rushing can make it less enjoyable, and so can focusing too much on orgasm,” Fulbright says. “Give yourself time to touch all parts of your body or try different positions, and don’t feel pressure to climax.”

 5. Toys can help.

Nearly half of women between the ages of 18 and 60 have used a sex toy like a dildo or vibrator, according to a survey by Ashley Leonard at Robert Morris University. If you’ve had trouble reaching orgasm and want to climax, a vibrator (which stimulates the nerve endings in the clitoris) may be helpful.Don’t worry whether it will lead to sex problems later down the line, Prause says. “Put simply, if it feels good, go for it.”

Not only are there benefits to masturbating, but it’s considered a safe form of sex (if you do it alone, that is, lol)! So ladies go get your toys (aye)! I felt the need to write this because this topic is consistently talked about and accepted when the male gender discusses it. However, it’s not as likely for women to openly discuss  this socially, especially Native women. All aspects of sex are a part of life and as a Native female I don’t feel we should inhibit ourselves to talk about such issues. This evening I am going to an event that is an intimate talk on sex and sexuality, which includes discussions on the role of culture, gender and the media play in shaping our sexual identities. I should have lots more to say next week on related subject matters. Stay tuned and stay safe!