Conversation wth a young, Native Am. professional male

I recently met this Native male. He is tall, handsome, intelligent, asset to all tribal communities, well known in tribal communities, young (between age of 32-35), and is all about empowering Native people. In other words, he’s awesome and I truly commend him on all the hard work he’s doing on behalf of our tribal people. I respect people like him as an individual and Native brother because it’s rare to meet a Native dude who has their career going on like he does at a young age.

At dinner, I had to ask him his stance on dating/relationships because I rarely get the young, professional, Native male version. He said he “messes” with non-Native females but would never seriously date anyone other than a Native girl and sees himself with a Native girl. *Interesting I thought as I sat there with my dude who is not Native and I wondered what he was thinking as the Native dude spoke and I questioned my relationships as well.

Second night of dinner, I asked the Native dude again about relationships/dating, this time without my dude present but there were other Native females at the table as it was a group dinner. I stated that I’m tired of men (minority, especially Native men) who have done well for themselves but who have this “God’s gift to earth” persona because their one of few Native males who got their shit together. He said “I have the right to be picky”, which is true as anyone does. Also, he said, “I want to meet a Native female who’s educated, can carry an intelligent conversation, likes to travel, and does not exude DRAMA…and you think this would be easy to find but it isn’t..because I travel a lot in my job and I have brought my previous girlfriends along to my travels and when random females come approach me after a presentation I did my previous girlfriends start to get mad and say ‘oh this what happens all the time you travel?’…so many Native females have been affected by domestic violence that they are messed up…from growing up to especially their ex-boyfriends who verbally/physically abused them that they have a lot of baggage, which is drama…and I do not put up with drama and I am not the male to do this to any female but I have to say I did not put you through all the crap you have been through..,so as soon as they start acting in this manner I start to run the other way.”

Wow…I thought! This is true! Were always pointing the finger at males it seems. I never heard this from a Native male before, especially an accomplished one. Maybe us Native females (as stated previously in another blog) are way too jaded due to our past experiences with bullcrap men that we all categorize them in the same space. Ladies, what do you think???!

Ode to my Father who taught me the game of men and to be strong ass Native girl!

I don’t know how to feel about this. 99.9% of Black or Native men I have dated do NOT date White women (never have or never will) and I never would date a man that has did this consciously after a certain age because before I never really knew the dynamics of the “outside” world of my comfort zone, the REZ. I never knew such historical issues of oppression existed to the depth of existence it did and how it currently plays a huge part of our Native daily lives until I got extremely educated on disparities issues and lived outside the REZ. Although, I knew I was aware of the certain racial issues to a certain extent because my father would set me aside and let me know the best he could of the “outside” world. He would teach me the REAL history because he was educated, read my elementary/junior high school curriculum text books and tell me what was REAL and what was sugar-coated (my dad would sweat the crap out of my teachers/principles and they would be mad scared of him), he would tell me as a Native woman (minority female) how hard it would be for me in the REAL world so I got to get extra tough to deal with it with his Navajo teachings along the way. He taught me the importance of an education! He was mean and loving at the same time. Also, in addition he would tell me how men are in terms of relation to females; he would tell me what they think (tellin me all men want to do is have sex so you need to watch out, fuck them, do you, be a financially stable independent Navajo woman), teach and tell me their game, and taught me to never ever be that woman that is vulnerable and put up with any bullshit because my DAD taught me that. SO, this blog is about a man that taught me the game and how men are. My dad kept it real. He taught me how to street fight and how to box because he said you are my daughter and you have to defend yourself. He taught me how to drive in snow by taking me to a bare parking lot and driving fast in a car then me pressing on the break so the car would spin so I learned how to control the car if it got out of control. He taught me to watch politics and learn to be socially aware of current events. He taught me to be hard in a lot of ways by waking me up at 5 am every morning and run towards the east sun and pray with corn pollen. He taught me to be a strong Navajo woman as a male version, but also my MOM taught me a LOT as well. SO, this is an ode to my father but stay tuned for a strong Navajo woman (mother) who is my rock.

Part 1: Shortage of educated, financially stable, minority men?

Sooooo many of my friends say that want an “educated, financially stable, minority man, good credit, never been married, with no kids” to start with. When my Native friends say it, they are referring to Native men and when my Black friends say it, they are referring to Black men. Also, don’t let me get into “he has to be at least 6 ‘2’+, fine, nice teeth, faithful, funny, understanding, nice body, have swag, etc…” Ladies, you get my point! I personally think this man is IMPOSSIBLE to find.

Let me break it down to 3 case-study examples. No names will be stated for player code safety. Yeah, I honor the player code because you know WHY!

Guy #1. A family member of mine (obviously a full-blooded Navajo) who is in his 50’s, tall (6’3’ish), handsome (for his age), educated (Law degree obtained), financially stable, owns own house, good credit, divorced, 1 kid that left the nest, culturally knowledgeable, has swag (I am oblivious to it but I know his women do see it), and can build a house from scratch. Sounds like a catch? Well, if yes, then you and every woman around his age range also think that and he knows it!

Guy #2. My friend who is Black, in his 30’s, tall (6’4’ish), good-looking, owns his own house, good credit, educated (Bachelor’s degree obtained), no kids, and never been married. Well, I have to admit because I am so close to this person I cannot see his ‘swag’ because I am like his sister but other females he talks to does. I’m oblivious to it so I guess he does. Sounds like a catch? Well, if yes, then you and every woman around his age range also think that and he knows it!

Guy #3. A guy my friend once dated. I do not know him but know OF him. He’s full-blooded Native American (do not know tribe), in his 30’s, tall (6 ‘5’ ish), educated (Law degree obtained from Ivy League school), has swag, and handsome. I do not know about his kid status although I do not think he had/has any. Sounds like a catch? Well, if yes, then you and every woman around his age range also think that and he knows it!

Since I know Guys #1 & 2 personally I will elaborate more on their similar situations. They both date multiple women. Guy #1 has a main girl and Guy #2 has a semi-main girl.

I had a convo with guy #1 regarding one of his girlfriends I met in the past (whom I really liked) and this gal really loved him. This girl would call me and tell me how much she loves him. However, he did not feel the same. He was telling me how she would become clingy and he told her “Your not my girlfriend..there’s the door if you don’t like what I’m doing.”

I had a convo with guy #2 and he tells me that there are more options for him to find women with good head on their shoulders, educated, pretty, good credit, no kids, and drama-free than us women have to find men at his caliber. He told me because there is limited commodity of men like him that women are accessible for him.

***Okay ladies, I know how you feel because I felt the same way. I told him so much of MY thoughts/perspective/opinion on what he had to say but we will not go there for now because it takes away from my point of the story.

END OF PART 1 – Stay tuned for PART 2!!!

Hesitation

Hesitating:

I am sitting here and a guy that I do really care about has been telling me that he truly loves me. I sit here for the past 4 years telling him “hahaha”, “please get that fuck outta here”, “maybe you should love someone else”, “do this and do that”, “you do NOT really love me because you are TRIPPIN”, etc…. I have always told this person among others that: I am not the marrying type, I do not want to get married, marriage is BS, I am not a KID person, etc. However, do not get it twisted, this dude has NOT been my boyfriend for the past 4 years, but has been someone who has cared about me. I have TRIPPED out on him sooooo many times, like other men in my life. But, I started to think about my past. For some reason, it is hard for ME to believe that a guy can put up with ALL your BS, truly care about you, and say you know what I will put up with all her BS…step up to the plate, love her AND will never/ever CHEAT on her. Do I push men away because I am skeptical that love TRULY exists and can happen to me? Probably. What has brought me to this point among other women?! Jaded?! YEA!!! I need to sit down and do some soul searching. When it’s starring at us right in our face…..why do we make every excuse and do not seem ready…even when you should be/feel it/or are ready?......Bottom line: Why do we not feel we are ready for it? Ugh…what a self-searching thought and can be disturbing!

Same Type

Same Type

“I’ve been down this road before and yeah I skidded but forget it
damn, yeah, I wonder why I never why I learned my lesson
it’s feeling like the second chance and its the first impression
and I heard it’s nothing new except for someone new
but how you supposed to find the one when anyone will come with you
talking to myself but I never listen,
cuz man it’s been a while, and I swear that this ones different
that’s why I’mma take you anywhere you wanna go
let you meet my friends so they can lecture me again about
how reckless I have been
and I’m slowly running out of all the time that I invest in
making all the same mistakes
and I’m just trying to correct it and I fall..
I swear I always fall for your type, for your type
tell me why I always fall for your type, for your type” –Fall for Your Type Lyrics by J. Foxx and Drake

LOL I laugh at these lyrics and this song in particular because this is ME fo’ sure when it comes to CHOOSING the same type of men to date. It’s funny because I had a conversation with my bestest guy BFF and here I go telling ALL my dating stories. So he says to me, “Well you’re the one that chooses these men to date so have you ever thought that your choosing the wrong ones?”!!! EPIPHANY came starring right in my face! OMG he is sooo right! I have never truly dated on a serious level an educated guy with at least a Bachelor’s degree or someone more financially stable than me per se. I have never dated my equal. My equal…my equal. How would that feel like? What do I have to change my dating outlook and perspectives to make sure I look outside my box? How do I choose better men? These are all questions I asked myself from one time or another. My thing is I want the dude exactly like me..not a square, street smarts, act Rez, but know how to act in every environment, educated, doin’ him, and go this business together. Conclusion is I just haven’t found him yet because a lot of people are on one extreme..either extra ghetto OR extra nerdy…where’s the combo of the nerdy/ghetto dude at?? One that could hold me down on the streets and the United Nations? One who does not act too boozhy and can get grimey but drives a Benz and is educated? I’ll just cross my fingers EXTRA hard and see…until next time my Native girls..*Cheers and good-luck finding yours!

Kids?

I am a SUPER single female meaning I am not married, never been, and do not have kids. I have chosen not to have kids at all points of my life due to wanting to obtain a lifestyle that I deem as “financially stable” and I have not found the “right” person thus far as well. These two factors play every role as to why I have not chosen to have kids yet. As I have told many of my close friends and family, until I can afford a “Magda” in Sex in the City OR have a husband whose income level is parallel or exceeds mine, then I can seriously consider having a kid. For example, I have had my little 11-year old sister with me for 3 weeks this summer in Las Vegas. Although, she is not an infant or toddler, she is expensive and it takes a LOT of work to watch a kid. From this experience, I have learned how important it is to either;

a) Be married. (I have never really considered nor looked forward to getting married because it never was appealing to me due to observations among individuals who were married) However, due to the experiences of having my little sister for 3 weeks this summer, I can appreciate the importance of the financial and physical “help” for taking care of your kids because it takes a LOT of work. Two incomes and two modes of caring for the child (mom and dad) I acknowledge are important components of raising a child.
b) Be EXTRA financially stable if alone. If I choose not to get married but I choose to have a child, I know having an income that is comparable to two individual incomes or more is necessary. I need to afford help like a “Magda” in Sex in the City and simultaneously my personal luxurious lifestyle without compensation of either or.

I know many females out there have children and I know it is the best blessing life can offer. However, I know it can be physically, emotionally, and financially strenuous. I commend mothers, especially SINGLE mothers who do it alone. You all sacrifice so much for your children, which is the right thing to do.

I believe we all have a choice. I have seen my family struggle and understand how it feels to live pay-check to pay-check. At an early age, I have known I was going to finish college, make mad money, take care of my family (mom, little sister, dad, and others), and then last try the family thing. I keep reflecting back when my family (grandpas, grandmas, aunts, uncles, mom, and dad) always used to tell me growing up, “You finish school first before you have kids because kids are a lot of work and to have a better life for you and your family the easiest way to do is finish school first then you can think about having a family.” That always stuck with me in my head and still does.

A random experience dealt with me dating a guy who had kids. I thought he was definitely a great father and did right by his kids. However, he was not financially stable due to the bad economy and when he was financially stable he took care of his family. But, I could not take the chance of being with someone who was on-again off-again financially stable, especially if he already had kids. I thought if I ever dated a guy with kids, he needs to be extra financially stable so his finances will not fall on me in any capacity, even if is dinner. I cringed at the thought of if we got married but I was paying for his kids needs instead of taking care of MY family. Selfish? Maybe. However, my thought was I did not work this freaking hard to go through school as long as did so I could take care of somebody else’s family? I thought I had already made a self-promise to take care of my own first (mom, dad, sister) but for me to spend 12 hours a day in the library, living off $20/week, and stay in school an extra 12 years after high school to take care of somebody else’s kids…you gotta be kdding me! You can guess what happened, I broke-up with him because it was a lot for me to deal with. Again, I am speaking from a young, Native, professional who has no kids. Maybe if I did, it would be different. But, the choice was mine and everyone does have one

Something small to say

I once dated this guy who at the time was parallel to me in terms of education, age, and socio-economic status because we were young so we were uneducated, poor, and naive. However, we both had goals to attend college on a basketball scholarship, which we did, with hopes to finish with great degrees. At this time period, I was completely in love with someone like him because I was at the same point of life that he was. Although, since we were young, we had a lot of “downs” more than “ups” because we were still trying to “figure” ourselves out along with trying to maintain a relationship plus school. Temptation gets the best of you sometimes, especially if you are a young and attractive person and have been in a relationship for a long time. This guy was my high school sweetheart and we had a lot in common, love was there, but why were we not working out? He wanted to date other females but not lose me and so he cheated. I played my share in the cheating aspect as well because in the beginning of our relationship I was scared to get close to someone so I cheated. This set the foundation of a relationship that was unbalanced, not harmonious, and unhealthy. I think we all fall into the same pitfalls of dysfunctional relationships, especially when we are young. For the females in their 20’s, I challenge you to think of your romantic relationships. I think us Native women stay in unhealthy relationships for the wrong reasons. Just know that you are not alone but the decision to leave one makes you brave. I keep thinking back into my 20’s when I had HORRIBLE dating experiences and now I hopefully learned from them to move forward. Although I am not currently in a serious relationship I am happy and content on being single for a while. I am enjoying the fruits of my labor I did in my broke 20’s and traveling the world…so yes you do get over your heartaches and replace it with wonderful times!

Initial forms and perceptions of the dating experience

Dating Experiences:
What were my first forms and perceptions of the dating experience? As I look back into my childhood I witnessed domestic violence so that definitely has affected my mindset of “how” a relationship should work. With these negative thoughts, it influenced my dating practices in high school and in my early 20’s…and maybe sometimes I still ponder these thoughts about men.

Thought #1: Men are not capable of being faithful, so why would I want to be in a serious relationship?
-Based on these thoughts at an early age, I made it a mission to NOT date one guy because I did not want to get hurt. Instead, I hurt others. I kept my guys I was dating at a “safe” distance and I guess you could say I was a player. My uncle used to call me a “man-eater” in high school (LOL). These thoughts made it hard for me to “trust” men because I always thought they are always capable of cheating.

Thought #2: Men are “weak” if they abuse their women in any capacity emotionally, physically, or verbally. I thought that I would never be in an “unhealthy” relationship because that woman would NOT be me
-I happened to be involved in an “unhealthy” relationship(s)..not necessarily always physical abuse but just “unhealthy.” I strongly felt that if any man ever treated me wrong then I would just leave and no questions/feelings attached. Then, I feel in love and all my rules had changed. I found myself to be this vulnerable, weak, and confused young lady. I then learned you should never judge anybody’s relationship because I hated other people judging me and my relationship. People are usually aware of their situation and will leave when they are truly ready to.

Thought #3: Marriage or long-term relationships are never guaranteed.
-My mom used to tell me that you should never depend on a man financially because any relationship is not guaranteed; therefore you go to school and support yourself. My dad used to tell me that men are “dogs” and do not depend on a man for financial support. I grew up an only child and independent anyways, so I never had a problem with this concept. However, I feel now maybe I can be too independent and some men find that intimidating.

At first, I tried to keep this blog at a distance from my personal experiences. But, as I find myself talking to other females, I find some or most of our experiences are similar and I should not be ashamed of mine. I find myself re-directing my blog to incorporate my experiences but also discuss other women’s experiences and relevant issues within the dating/relationship dynamic. However, I will change names/identification of people I date or have dated.

Men Experiment

I just have to state my experiment because it will make you think. About 3 years ago a long lost friend was telling me about this guy she was talking to and the things he would say to her. I told her that he was intimidated by her “success” because she is educated, self-sufficient and a single female with no kids. She came to Vegas to visit me for the weekend so we were on our way to Tao nightclub. At that point, I told her let me show you something to prove my point. I told her the next guy that approaches me and to tries to holla that I am going to tell him I am a doctor (LOL). But, I told her to watch and see his reaction. About five minutes later, this AA guy approaches me and we start talking. He asks me “Where do you live?” I said “I live here.” Then he asks, “What do you do?” I looked at my friend and I stated “I’m a doctor” (with a grin on my face). Then he said “Really? What kind of doctor?” I stated “A primary care physician.” This guy just turned around and walked off without saying a word! LOL My friend was in disbelief and I told her “See, I told you.” Now fast forward to a few weeks ago. I was at a girlfriend’s birthday gathering at the Blue Martini. A lot of my girls friends were married and older, so they not really looking to meet guys of course. However, one of my girls married friends kept trying to push me to leave the table to go talk to a guy. (LOL) I kept saying “Naw I’m good girl, I’m taking a hiatus from them for now.” She kept asking “Why?” I said let me just show you. I told her to follow me, follow my lead, and that I am just going to talk to random guys. So we went out into the “manfield” (LOL)! I started talking to guy #1 (tall, AA, late 20’s or early 30’s) and he was into the conversation and asked if I wanted a drink, which I didn’t respond to. So my friend asked the guys, “So what do you do?” He said, “I work for a rental car company.” Then he turns and asks me, “What do you do?” I said, “I’m a professor at UNLV.” He looked at me, then looked at his friend, then said to his friend “I’m gonna go back to our table” and bounced. I started laughing because I knew this was gonna happen and my friend looked at me like WTH just happened? I told her that this happens frequently and I think it’s hilarious. She didn’t quite believe me at that point so I said oh let’s go talk to those guys over there. I initiated a conversation with guy #2 (tall, latino, mid-20’s) and we were having a good conversation for about 5 minutes. Then the question comes up “What do you do?” I smiled, looked at my friend, and proceeded to say “I’m a professor at UNLV.” Then he says “Oh…well I’m just a sales guy.” I say, “That’s cool” but I already know by the way his reaction was that he’s uncomfortable. Now the awkward and weird silence over burdens us. So I politely say “It was nice meeting you” and walk off. My girl follows and was like OMG! I say “Now you know why I’m cool and I am in a hiatus for a while?” So, the next day I tell one my girls what had happened and she said “Yeah, I don’t like to bring that up when I first meet a guy.” I think that’s a cool strategy and I utilize that strategy sometimes. However, I feel like if a guy gets intimidated the first 5 minutes into a conversation, then he will probably be intimidated throughout the possible “dating relationship”! Of course I do not think ALL men are like this but I say about 85% of them are. Ladies and gentleman what do you think??????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self-Growth

This note/blog is an extension of my previous one, which was “Self-Analyze..Looking at the Mirror Within.” I have heard and experienced a consistent theme recently about personal imperfections. Through these past couple of weeks, I have learned how important my personal behavior is a reflection of my personal relationships and how it affects my relational dynamics. When I speak of relationships, I am talking about friendships, family, and romantic.

I had someone I was dating tell me all my flaws and negative attributes as a “girlfriend” that rolls over into my relationships. I had to sit back and truly think about what he said. Was he right? That was my biggest question. I had to internalize and put a lot of thought into all of my previous relationships and take what he said to see if there was a pattern, even if it was a small one. I have to admit, that was hard to hear. After self-reflection it was harder to think he does have a point. He was of course talking about romantic relationships, but I tend to think it affects my friendships and familial ones as well. Maybe not to the extreme, but still does.

This note/blog is not geared towards men specifically, but geared towards my personal weaknesses that need to be worked on so ALL my relationships can grow and prosper. I feel that everyone has something that could be worked on, which improves us as an individual, which then improves our relationships. By “the guy” I was dating telling me what he did made me grow as a person although it was hard to hear. I thank him for telling me and because of what he said will help me to become a better person. Is there anything that you could work on as well?

Self-Analyze...Looking at the MIRROR Within

As I am thinking about my personal relationships, I started to reflect on my discrepancies and how I contribute to conflict within my own relationships. Individuals often tend to blame the significant other when conflicts arise because we do not often consider our contribution to the “bad vibes.” Especially, us women! AND especially us Native women!! Maybe it’s due to culture, environment, societal norms, or instinct, but it seems as if it is always never our fault. I would like to ask a few questions to you all:

1. When your man has an issue with you, what does he tell you?
2. Does he complain about the same things you continually do (?), such as;
(nag, complain, argue, insecurities, jealous, stubborn, etc..)
3. With some of these complaints, do you think he has some valid points?

In my past to most recent relationships, I have heard some of the same complaints from my significant other in each relationship...so I now realize that I do exhibit a common, negative pattern. Now it’s time I turn the mirror to myself and analyze my negative traits that I inherently contribute to relationship conflicts and work on those! It is necessary to turn some of those traits around so our relationships can be turned around and move forward. It is nice to know that some of our strengths are also some of our weaknesses. I know that is true for me, so now I am trying to be more aware of knowing the time and place to utilize my strengths so they do not become my weakness.

I know us women like to sit around and talk about how our men do this and that…and how we get frustrated and annoyed, but we hardly talk about our negative habits as well. It is unfair. Now, I’m not saying that I condone what some men are doing and I know they are completely wrong at times. However, I am only stating that sometimes it is good to look at our personal habits within so we can be aware of our contributions to our relationship patterns: good or bad.