Coming or Going

I have a story I heard. So what are important “boundaries” in a relationship? How do you decide them, implement them, and if your partner crosses it, how do you address it? Based on this story, the boyfriend does not have a job and the girlfriend has been paying 100% of the bills. Tension has built up from financial stressors and lack of financial distribution from the boyfriend. It has been 2+ years since the girlfriend has been paying for everything. The boyfriend contributes in other areas but there is still tension. Arguments result from this situation. The girlfriend is always annoyed and frustrated and feels like she has tried to communicate in everyway that her boyfriend needs a JOB. She feels like he should be on the grind to get a job or go back to school to do something productive with his life. He feels like she “nags” him all the time and she tries to “control” him by her telling him what to do and how to do it. He gets defensive when she tries to talk to him about finding a job and shuts down and she feels she can’t get through to him. He feels if she stops being a “bitch” then he’ll feel he will want to do more for her but she feels she can’t stop being a “bitch” because she is frustrated that he has not gotten a job. This has been a daily struggle for these two and nothing seems to be working except avoiding each other so they don’t argue. So in a week: 1. The boyfriend does not come back all night on Saturday (does not call to let her know he is staying at his boys because he is too drunk). 2. So he comes back Sunday at 9 am and the girlfriend “kicks” him out with his clothes outside and will not let him in the house and tells him to leave. He leaves as she wishes and does not come back or call the rest of Sunday but the girlfriend is okay with that because she needed time to cool down. 3. Monday am he comes back. Later, she leaves Monday evening to watch Monday night football and she comes back at 1 am. He does not want to go with her to watch the game. When she gets back he is not there and he is at his cousins house because she calls him. She tells him it’s 1 am so you mind as well stay there the rest of the night because she’s frustrated. 4. Tuesday she asks her boyfriend to do something together that evening. He says I am going over to my friends house later and she gets upset because she feels, AGAIN and that he doesn’t care. (But he never goes to his friends house) 5. Wednesday she gets off work and calls him. He’s at his friends house and he tells her he will be back before 11 pm. She calls him and she starts telling him he’s behavior is inappropriate and intolerable. She talks about “boundaries” with him. He tells her she’s trippin’ out and he’s not coming back by 11 pm because she’s trippin. She tells him not to come back and to move out of the house on Thursday. 6. Thursday comes and he tells her he will leave the house later that afternoon. She comes back and he is still there but she gets her house key back. She leaves to watch Thursday night football and he tells her he will leave but when she gets back that night he is still there. She needs space from him and she is frustrated he did not leave. Thursday and Friday night he stays there. They are cordial to each other. 7. Saturday comes and she has things to do so she leaves. They talk a little during the day and early evening and he tells her he will call her back. He never calls her and she never calls him because she want so see if her will call her and come back to the house at a decent hour. He does not come back until Sunday at 5 am. She’s done at this point! (She feels like he does not care, has no respect for her or the relationship based upon his actions, especially when she pays for everything) I had another talk with a friend last week as well. She’s married and she told me about her and her husband’s relationship. But the consistent theme throughout all my conversations this week is about “boundaries”; what is unacceptable in a relationship. How do couples communicate and decide together what is unacceptable? One of my friends says sometimes she will write on a chalkboard what her husband needs to do in terms of doing “chores around the house” instead of texting/stating it to him and that works. She said when they got married that distribution of household chores made them argue a lot and they had to find a way to communicate on those issues. I guess relationships are hard at times, everyone I speak to says so. I am no relationship guru but I just write about daily struggles about them.

Relationship Meltdown

Have you ever hit that relationship drowning stage that you feel you and your relationship are drowning and there’s no safety net to save you? I mean that point to where you both get on each other’s nerves, there’s tension, you feel you can’t communicate because it always turns into an argument, blaming each other is involved, there’s no understanding, there’s no love it seems, and there’s no intimacy (not even as much as a hug). And your scared to verbalize your feelings of LOVE for fear of rejection because your relationship is in a sensitive place that even the slightest rejection of a hug or touch makes you feel mad all over again because you feel that was an attempt to reconcile….so you just don’t do anything to stay in that “safe” emotional place. However, deep down you want to hug and kiss your partner and scream from the bottom of your lungs “I LOVE YOU, LET’S FORGET ALL THIS PETTY STUFF, AND LET’S JUST NOT ARGUE ANYMORE!” But you don’t and you wait until you can try to organize your emotional chaos because your also harboring frustration from past arguments or past resentments. Your just impatiently waiting for the storm to pass over but every second, minute, hour, days, weeks, months or however long you are in that emotional storm seems like things will never change. BUT under all the haze and clouds you KNOW that you deeply love each other but it’s just hard to see it and feel it at these points. I know that prayer and faith helps a lot with me during these times in the relationship. Also, at the end of the day knowing that my boyfriend loves me and we are still here and in this together helps me to know this storm will pass. It’s just part of the relationship game. We all go through ups and down but once you get through the tough times and become happy again then your relationship will grow stronger and will be better equipped to handle adversity.

Interracial dating - Family reaction

My first long-term relationship was with a half Navajo and half Black guy. So, even though I technically was interracially dating then it really didn’t feel like it because of the environment we were in, which was close to the Rez, and he was light-skinned. He looked Puerto Rican-ish so there was no drastic difference in skin color. Also, the biggest thing was he was Navajo as well and went to school near the Rez so there was no huge difference it seemed as dating him. However, when I had my first serious with relationship with a full-blooded Black male, my experience was completely different. I was the first person within both of my father’s and mother’s side of the family to date a Black man and bring him home! Mind you both sides of my family are very traditional Navajo’s meaning, they do not go to church and have maintained and exercise our Navajo ways. Due to the Navajo ways, it is culturally looked down upon to date interracially, especially to date a Black male. Also, a lot of the elders grew up on the Rez so they were not exposed or interacted with other races and there is fear of the unknown. I know my elders came into encounters with mainly White people so in a weird sense, they were more “comfortable” with White people versus any other racial/ethnic group. I know my parents were extremely concerned of what my elders would say to me and them because we respect what our elders have to say. In our culture, you represent your family, and if you do anything, it will always be a reflection of your family because they are the ones who raised you. I know my family was also nervous about what people would say about me and about them. Regardless, I told my family I am dating a Black guy and explained my position. Some opposed and some supported me but in the beginning everyone seemed apprehensive. Of course my generation did not care about this stuff. I had a tough time with this experience because I had a challenge of some extremely close family members disowning me, belittling me, and being non-supportive. On the flip side, I had the exact opposite from other family members, who supported my decision and embraced my relationship and my boyfriend at the time. I figure I am a strong person and I uphold my decision, and if you don’t like it then that’s your issue, not mine. Overtime, my family came to know this person and liked him. They embraced him and skin color was not an issue anymore. I know for a fact, well in my family at least, a lot of my family members are not exposed to different racial/ethnic groups. So, they do not know what to expect. I did notice that my family members who travel a lot were a lot more open about these types of things. Also, my grandpa who was a medicine man, the one everyone respects and takes his word as bond, was very accepting. I attribute his acceptance as not only he had a good heart but he was a World War II veteran and came across many racial/ethnic groups, so he had no reservations about “different” people. My grandpa supported my relationship and when he did, it seemed that everyone seemed “at-ease” about everything after that. Although I am not with the same boyfriend I had at that time I am glad I went through all those challenges to “change” the way my family saw things. With my current relationship they did not give me any negative outlook or feedback. They just simply accepted my decisions, my boyfriend, and me.