Caribbean Thoughts!

Before I left on my trip Monday I had THE closing conversation with my ex. We said all we had to say for closure. A lot of things that were said hurt me but I listened thoroughly. I took what he had to say as constructive criticism but yet it made me angry and hurt all at the same time. I felt so many emotions and thoughts during that conversation, which consisted of: I needed to hear this to move on, I was HURT, wow, did he really say that?, he’s playing the victim now?, was I really that bad of a girlfriend?, well if you fee like that then how come you are still in communication?, I appreciate his honesty, and I’m relieved we finally had this much needed conversation regardless of how much it hurt me. Needless to say there were a lot of thoughts and emotions going on. I thought how great, this happens right before I leave for Paradise! So, I get to St. Thomas, and as soon as I get there I meet other students who are from Cal State-Long Beach and Spelman. My mind quickly becomes pre-occupied with conference related logistics. Within the next few days I am attending this great conference and meet SO many inspiring people. I even got offered a few post-doc fellowships! I am sitting in Paradise listening to great researchers and I feel excited for a bright future ahead of me!! I feel that my life is going in the right direction and maybe this all needed to happen because I know I need to leave Las Vegas in order to “change the world” sort of speak. I think of all the work that needs to be done in Indian Country and we need up and coming leaders to assist with positive changes. Maybe I am one of them? IDK. But, I feel I have a sense of purpose. This makes me think about what my grandparents have prayed for and continue to pray for and this is the reason why I sit in St. Thomas surrounded by leaders. I felt empowered. I felt I am blessed. I felt I can move forward from this past relationship easier because instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and feeling sad, I am in Paradise surrounded by wonderful people who are dedicated to changing the world! I am here for FREE experiencing THE moment. So, I indulged in every moment. I listened to leaders. I laughed with new-found friends. I drank rum with colleagues and friends and toasted and cheered Caribbean nights away. I swam in the clear blue waters. I sat in the white sand beaches. I went snorkeling with exotic fishes. I listened to reggae and danced. I ate flavorful foods. I drank flavorful rums. I mentally relaxed. But, there was one moment in particular that will be embedded in my mind forever, which was the experience of Trunk Bay beach in St. Johns Island. This beach was absolutely beautiful. It turns out that the beach closes at 3 pm and our group of 8 happened to get there at 5:15 pm. We did not know it closes so early. So we get there and have this entire beach to ourselves! It was like a movie, being in an exotic island and it was all ours to experience! We had brought drinks and food. We splashed in the water, we laughed, we jumped waves, we ate, we drank, we screamed, and we encouraged each other. I remember I came out of the water and sat alone in the white sands and looked at the clouds that were white and perfectly placed like a picture. The shades of the sky were all different pastel colors because the sun was setting. The white sands were soft and inviting. The water was blue, perfect temperature, and indulging. I sat there alone looking at my friends jumping the waves and embraced their smiles and laughter. I embraced the scenery and the water. I had a moment to myself that involved my spirit, my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul, and they all seemed uniform in that moment. I was brought back to a pure humble space. I thought about my life from the beginning to now. I thought of me being this REZ girl who was granted many blessings for me to experience this moment. After all, we live for moments like these. This moment was pure and clear. This moment gave me strength. I thought about going to ceremonies and remembering my grandparents who prayed for me and their songs/prayers. I thought about my mom, dad, and relatives at home. I thought about my life and my future path. I thought about ME. I felt I need to shake of all negativity because in reality I really have nothing to be sad about. I needed that. Since Saturday, I have carried the feeling of that moment back with me. This feeling will supersede any of my pain, hurt, struggles, and challenges most definitely. However, I know healing of these negative emotions will take time, and I am ready to take this head-on.

Again

What is it about relationships? I’m talking about ALL relationships that are not family bonded that include romantic relationships and friendships. Is that old cliché’ true that everyone can be in your life for a lifetime or a season? Or they were just there to teach you a lesson? Or is it simple enough that one of you messed up in the relationship and that is the consequence of the relationship, it ends. For those of you who actually read my blog I must admit my relationship ended weeks ago. I am being vulnerable by even writing this right now but maybe this is a start of my outlet to help me release my pain. This time has been difficult for me and my first challenge was to acknowledge and comprehend that it is really over, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, I keep telling myself. Because I went through those stages of being angry at my former relationship, which made me “OK” with the ending of it at first because of all the anger that I possessed towards him, towards us, or just anger in general. When I was angry I was not sad. I had a sense of relief that it was over for the first couple of weeks. Then my feelings went from angry to missing him. I was no longer angry at the relationship so I started to possess hope that maybe we could work it out. I started to decipher our communication and would analyze what he said/didn’t say. Then more recently, I acknowledge that it is really done. Now, I am in the grieving process, which is the hardest. I keep thinking to myself, another relationship of mine ended? What is wrong with ME? Frankly, I already know my faults and shortcomings. I made excuses for them and had justifications as to why I acted or reacted to certain things. However, one lesson I take from this former relationship is that no matter how frustrated/angry/resentful I may get at a person it gave me no right to be disrespectful. I know at times it’s hard not to say or do harsh things when emotions are involved but it’s still my lesson I needed to take away from all of this. I keep reminding myself of the good ole’ clichés we all love so much during a break-up; “If it’s meant to be then you will find your way back to each other”, “If you love someone let them go and if they don’t come back then they were never yours to begin with”, “Time heals all pain”. *Sigh. I will cry. I will hurt. I will have sleepless nights. I will be alone and hate it. I will grieve. But with time I will heal. I will be ok. I will love again. This too shall pass.