When is it time to leave?

When is it time to leave an unhealthy relationship? We all should have an idea of what an unhealthy relationship consists of; lying, cheating, being taken advantage of, constant arguing, physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. I understand we have all been in vulnerable situations because for most people being somewhat vulnerable in relationships is a silent requirement. But, I have noticed that as Native women, we all know that when we truly love a man, there is nothing in this world we wouldn’t do for him and we have his back in every capacity imaginable, because we love hard! However, if he takes our good loving for granted and constantly abuses our love, how do we determine a temporary “rut” in a relationship versus being in an unhealthy relationship? I have come across many beautiful Native sisters in my life, but I return back to the low self-esteem theme as a major reason why my sisters will not leave their man. One Native sister in particular I met recently stated that she used to have a great life, great career, etc...until she met her boyfriend. She followed him to an urban city, couldn’t find a job, and cannot seem to connect to her partner. She seems in denial that he may be cheating and is an alcoholic, but she keeps holding onto the “good” times, which has not happened for them in a long time. In the process, she keeps putting herself down. I almost want to shake her and tell her, “GIRL, wake-up, he doesn’t want you!” But, who am I to say that, I know she will leave when she is ready. I believe that with her and many other Native sisters’ situations, their main reason for staying is lack of self-confidence. Many think they cannot make it on their own, especially if they have kids. For those who are in those situations, I hope and pray that you will have the courage and strength to leave someday. That is why as Native women we should build a great support system for our sisters, instead of being judgmental or “hating.” We should uplift each other! If we cannot do this for ourselves, who will?

Native Women Self-esteem

A re-occurring theme that I have been hearing lately: Native American women and low self-esteem. I wonder why many of “us” Native women have continually in the past or present day experience issues with engaging in unhealthy or unbalance relationships. I have always considered myself a strong and independent woman; I have not lived at home since I was 14 years old and feel I have accomplished some important things in life. However, I once got stuck in a phase where I stayed in unhealthy relationships. I felt that is what was “normal” at the time and justified it by saying to myself that all relationships have problems. But when is it time that you distinguish that this relationship is “unhealthy’ and when do you know when it is time to leave? I wonder if I stayed because of the acceptance of unhealthy relationships among my peers and family members. I also wonder about the level of self-esteem of women who stay in unhealthy relationships…including mine at the time. As Native women, we are STRONG women! We need to understand the importance of our self-worth, which plays into every aspect of our lives, especially within relationships. I have gotten some quotes from some Native women and their perspective, when I posed the question, “Do you think women who stay in verbally/physically abusive relationships have low self-esteem as compared to women who do not?
-“I would have to say yes..that he is the only one who even bothered to say hi or give any attention in the first place..so low self esteem plays a big part..but as someone who’s been thru it..I survived n the low self esteem is gone n Im livin a happy single life..with the help of my kids n family”

-“Yes sissy cuz I just ended a five year battle with a guy I thought I was totally in love with but for all the wrong reasons...the whole relationship was doomed from the start cuz we were both just lookin for someone to fill a hole haha! Stuck with him only cuz I didn't want to be alone... I know better now!!! Glad I went through it tho!”

-“i think it depends on the woman, and how they determine the word "love" to them? we dont all think alike...some its easy to walk away n others its hard? but regardless we all need to heal cause even verbal abuse hurt”

-“i dont think so...a woman who leaves from an abusive relationship has the confidence to move on to the next one”

-“totally.. once a man tears down a woman spirit and for all she could have been or is worth she comes to believe it herself which makes her very insecure with no confidence and definitely low self esteem. It is depressing to see woman in this state of mind..I believe they should hold themselves high in the pyrmaid of life..(besides our Lord) since we are the only being that can procreate... I have not been down that road and I definitely know better”

-“I have seen many women enter a relationship full of self confidence only to be torn down by the bullying and the power grabber. Best book to avoid getting into that situation - read "Prince Harming Syndrome - Breaking Bad relationship patterns for good"! - Great advice in it. such as finding someone who lets you be authentic and considers disagreements as opportunities for growth and education.”

-“We all have a certain level of low self-esteem. And it usually starts in our teens or sometimes earlier in our development as a woman. Abusive companions multiply our level of low self- esteem...which creates "monsters"

-“Ask 'why?' four times: women in abusive relationship have low self-esteem, why? They are slowly demeaned and undermined by the men in their lives. Why? Because the men in their lives feel they have a right to treat the ones they should love in this way. Why? Because we live in a society that upholds men's power over women, and reinforces misogyny. Why? Because our nations (be they 'free' or colonised) are founded upon someone's god who gave men this right”