I remember as a kid my mom telling me “You go
to school and get an education so you can become financially self-sufficient so
you NEVER have to depend on a man.” Then, my dad teaching me to be a “strong”
woman and telling me, “You will have to work much harder than anyone else
because you are minority and you are a female.”
Also, I witnessed and still witness the way
some of my male figures treated and treat their women. They were controlling,
disrespectful, and dominant. I always told myself, “I would NEVER let any man
treat me like that.”
Because of my experiences growing up with the
fighting, competing, racism, and witnessing domestic issues, a lot of the times
I define “being strong” as: not putting up with any bullshit, being aggressive,
argumentative, and speaking my mind. However, I am learning that this is NOT
the only way to be.
Because I have internalized those
characteristics as “strength”, I have brought those negative traits into my
relationship. Because I saw so many men disrespect my loved ones I believe I
over-compensate on my “dealings” with men. For instance, if my boyfriend looks
at another girl in front of me, I look at it as being disrespectful towards ME,
and I lash out. I take everything personal that he does or says towards me and get
mad at him. All because somewhere deep inside I didn’t want to be mistreated
like my family members because my family members hardly spoke up and stayed in
bad relationships.
Therefore, I feel that if I am overly
aggressive then I have “control” over my relationship for some reason. That
would let my man know “I don’t put up with an bullshit” and he would not run
over me, and that I would be in control. I tend to get upset, angry, and mad at
EVERY little thing just to “prove” to myself that I am “strong.”
Then I sat back and had to think. My boyfriend
said he wanted a “break” because he was tired of the “drama.” I was too tired
of arguing and fighting. The joy of us having fun together was being diminished
by re-occurring arguments. I had to re-think and re-adjust my mindset on what
“strength” means to me all over again. Now “strength” to me in my romantic
relationships is to not take everything personal, learn to truly trust he will
not hurt me, and learn to trust him with my love. Because at the end all of my
negative actions stems from fear of being hurt and lack of trust.
