Unofficially Officially Dating

So I have been on a male hiatus sort of speak during these past few months due to a relationship break-up. I needed time to do “me” and I still do. HOWEVER, when I say I am “officially unofficially dating” I meant I am OPEN to dating again!!!!!! And I have been on some dates so that is what I mean I am “officially-unofficially” dating again. I needed to find happiness within me, comfort in my own self, and strength again, because believe me I felt WEAK time and time again. For instance, I have gained weight and that made me feel self-conscious and inadequate. Can some of you relate? Mind you, I have ALWAYS been in shape but over the past few of years I have gained weight. And because of that I somewhat felt BLAH. It did not help that my previous relationship partner(s) told me that I was somewhat unattractive due to my weight gain. I did not necessarily feel ugly but I felt somehow (ayyye). Ok seriously, I felt NOT me because I have been “fit” and not “thick”. So I gained some weight, yes, it happens, and I felt maybe the men I was used to dating would not like me anymore. Or men in general sort of speak. My family members also told me “you gained weight” too. I felt BLAH. BUT yes I did. They were not lying because I did gain weight! So maybe that is ONE reason why I stayed in a relationship I did not belong in anymore due that that aspect. I somehow someway felt self-conscious. I mean I did not feel unattractive and have always been self-confident upfront but in hindsight there was a small part of me that felt inadequate. Moving forward, I know what my goals are physically, mentally, spiritually, and professionally, so I am moving forward with them. I have been working out like crazy now to address my physical insecurities. However, due to my insecurities (we All have them!), I have to think back to my self-worth. I am self-worthy. Wow self-epiphany occurs. For instance, I met a male officially for the first time, and he is a medical doctor/masters of public health student and is extremely educated who recently told me: I have seen you in the library for two years straight and I have always had a crush on you!!! Ok you guys mind you ,when I go in to the library I wear sneakers, sandals, sweatpants, basketball shorts, t-shirts, sweatshirts, no make-up, hair up in a bun like 99% of the time because I am in the library for relentless hours only to work! This nice doctor, tells me he likes me recently…wow how flattering!!!! Plus he is sooo extremely nice! And I have been on a few dates with him because he knows how to treat a woman. Also, I left a dinner place tonight and this 6”3” model male approaches me and tells me he likes my style and gives me his number (mine you girls he is gorgeous!) and lives in NYC and gives me his number. We engage in about a 15 minute conversation and it’s cool. But just the fact that these males are approaching me is amazing because I told y’all I lost my self somehow. I felt unattractive because I gained weight and so forth on a physical standpoint, however, on humble standpoint all these men coming out of the woodwork is flattering! I admit I am enjoying it, Nothing more, Nothing less. I am living in the moment.

Let's Talk About Sex!

Talking about sex is taboo in our community. Nobody talks about it! Let me first start off saying that WE need to talk about it; what are relationships, what is the relationship to sex, what is the act of sex, consequences, and what sex means to you? I mean sex is such a broad term. I know because I taught a class at UNLV titled “Sexuality for Education”. We of course talked about the biological aspects of sex, menstruation, sexual orientation, sexual positions, sex toys, pornography, sexual transmitted infections, masturbation, contraception, and social implications about sex. We covered it all! Sex is an important aspect of romantic relationships (in my opinion anyway). First and foremost, what is your personal relationship with sex? I mean how do YOU view sex? Is it an act, a responsibility, needed, looked down upon, shameful, has boundaries/no boundaries, celebrated, respected? Why are your views in such ways? Is it because of your experiences or lack of experiences? Were your experiences healthy? Unhealthy? I know a LOT of people, women, in particular from our communities have experienced sexual abuse (rape, molestation). And yet, we DO NOT talk about it. As for me, I think it is a very important topic to discuss because if we don’t, then who will? How do we learn and teach and express ourselves about it? Because sex can have extremely healthy consequences to extremely unhealthy consequences. Sex is part of our life forever. As a “sexual health” professional, I like to tell my non-Native colleagues about a ceremony us Navajo people have for our young women when they get their first menstruation, which is called a “Kinaldaa’” or “Puberty Ceremony”. We celebrate and honor this sacred becoming of a young woman. The Navajo medicine man and his supporters sing and pray for her for four days so that she lives a beautiful life. On the last day of this four-day ceremony all the women (elders, aunts, sisters, nieces, youth) go into the Hogan (an octagon structure where ceremonies take place) and talk to this young woman. They talk to her about “becoming” a woman, respecting yourself, how to conduct yourself as a Navajo woman throughout your life, and other teachings. All the youth in there also listen. She takes these teachings with her throughout her life. This ceremony is absolutely beautiful and unique in comparison to mainstream society!!! Also, when I talk to my nieces and little sister I tell them about what “sex” is. I mean I literally explain to them what oral, anal, vaginal, and vagina-to-vagina sex is because I want them to know! There are at an impressionable age and their peers are feeding them false information. As talking about relationships, not only romantic relationships, but relationships to our children, nieces, nephews, sisters, brothers, friends, etc…how do we talk about sex? It affects every aspect of our lives and yet our community DOES not address it as much as we should. Sex is natural. Sex is healthy. It is a part of life and it breeds life. I talk about sex openly with my friends, romantic partners, and family (which includes the young ones). I am not ashamed to talk about it. . I encourage my Native communities to engage in more dialogue about it with your friends, romantic partners, kids, and family. I will touch on limitless topics about sex from here moving forward, just a forewarning! I at least wanted to open up the dialogue or thoughts about it first so any of you won't have a heart attack (ayyye).

"Debbie-Downer" Friend

Have you been that friend that ALWAYS talked about your relationship issues whenever you would chit chat with your girls: over the phone, text, dinner, out for drinks, or at any outing?! I am guilty of being that “Debbie-Downer” friend. Any and every chance I got to vent or complain or cry about my relationship, I did! Bless some of my girls who had to hear my same issues over and over and over! Also, whenever my ex and I would hang out, we became that “arguing” couple to where everyone felt mad uncomfortable to hang out with us. It was inevitable, we would always argue during our outings. In addition, sometimes when hanging out with my girls I would snap on a poor innocent person if that person did something that got on my nerves. For instance, I would unconsciously seek a person to snap at because apparently there were deep-seeded frustrations I harbored. I figured a lot of this was a result in being in an unhealthy relationship. Because I was always so unhappy, frustrated, angry, sad, stressed, and confused in my home life, it transcended to all my other relationships. I had this “dark cloud” hanging over my head and I felt like I had a “dark spirit.” Did you hear that, I felt like I had a “dark spirit”! I became a person that did things that I was and am ashamed of. I knew better because I was raised better. I think back about some of the things I did and said and I feel ashamed and remorseful because I am NOT that person. But I take it all in as a big-time learning experience. I am not perfect. Since my relationship ended I felt the “dark cloud” lift and my “dark spirit” turned into a “happy spirit”! Looking back I can feel a huge difference in my personality, my actions, my thoughts, and my spirit. I could not believe how I let MY spirit get “darkened”. You see, I do not blame my ex for anything. I take all the blame on this because I had choices. I made my decision to stay in an environment that I knew was unhealthy for me. Mind you my ex is a good person but that did not matter because I realized he brought out the worst in me. Again, he is a good person but he brought out the worst in me. It took me a long time to realize that. I need to be with someone who brings the out the best in me and grants me that “light” instead of that “darkness”. I realized we should have broken-up a long time ago, and I take blame that I did not act on it. I knew better: I should have loved myself enough to know better, I should have been more confident in my decisions to know better, I should have believed in my strength enough to know better. But NO, I stayed out of all opposite of those things; I stayed out of fear, out of lack of confidence, out of weakness. (Sigh). But, we are all a working progress. Currently, my cousin told me “You seem so much happier, before you were grumpy/moody, and now your not”. My happiness was put to the test in combination with maturity as well when my girl and me went to the Drake concert and there was only one exit area. Everyone was walking in the same direction and this Black girl turned to me and started talking crap, stating I pushed her, which I did not. The old me would have pushed her upside her head (for real). The happy me looked at her like she was crazy and I started laughing because she was being stupid. I thought I have no time for this and I walked away. My girl said, “OMG I am so proud of you, I thought you were gonna kick her ass, I was prepared to fight (although I don’t fight), but you walked away”! I was in a happy mood and still am and I know I will not let anyone take away my happiness! I am a much BETTER person to be around because I am not a “Debbie Downer”, I laugh, I smile, I joke, and I have a good time. Also, I would like to personally thank my friends/family who were with me through my “dark spirited” times because you put up with a LOT from me and for that I will forever be thankful!

Do Native Men Hate Us Native Women Dating Black Men?

I have to state, do Native men hate us Native women dating Black men? My answer is absolutely! I have no idea why Native men are so prominent about this factor. I do not see them going “haywire” when Native women date White, Mexican, Asian men. It has been my observation and my experience. And it is not only limited to Navajo men having that complex but Native men in general (all tribes inclusive), because I have gotten my share of comments throughout my life about and all negative. However, when they used to see my ex-dude face-to-face (6”6” Black Male) there were no REAL words said to him to tell them how they felt. That bothered me. Also had a lot of other Native female friends experience this. For example, one of my homegirls who used to go to Haskell said she was cool with all the Native male athletes because she hooped and as soon as she was cool with one Black male all the Native dudes stopped being cool with her. I also had a dude state to me recently in relation to my blogs and in relation to my future radio project, saying “???? Who cares about that stuff when theres real problems on our rez? Theres too many people taking advantage of elders .... especially their kids or grand kids. If you cant date or marry a native you got issues on keeping our blood strong. Sorry for pissing u off.” I remember this same dude came up to me when I was dating my Ex (who is Black) here in Vegas three years ago and had a problem with it because he stated it to my face back then. He did not like the fact I was dating a Black man and his wife had to talk to him about how it was not that big of a deal. He did express to me then and now how I have "issues' because I am not with a Native dude (lol). I mean why do Native men do not like us dating Black men but it is okay if we date: Mexican, Latino, White, Asian, etc…Are you guys prejudice? Intimidated? What is it? Let us know…but do not hate on us when we do and you all are NOT stepping to the plate as well. I hate people being hypocrites when you all should be the solution. I’m just saying. I would absolutely LOVE to date a Native male. And if I don't it's not because I have issues..maybe look in the mirror as well.

A Short Man Encounter

So New Years Eve (NYE) I went out with 3 of my girls. It just so happened everyone left me do to too much spirits and or relationship drama! LOL! So, I ended up hanging out with this Black girl who was cool and I am glad I had someone to kick it with because I could not find anyone in my crew, who, I later found out they all left me (how rude!). We all went to TAO and it was NYE on the Las Vegas Strip so maybe it was expected? However, this “short” dude came and talked to me and he was extremely nice. Knowing at this point my girls had left me (oh yeah that was messed up) me and this dude walked to the Planet Hollywood(which was not too far from where we were). We sat at the casino bar and talked for a minute while I drank water. We talked about a lot of things. He told he me he graduated college, which was cool. A couple of hours later, he walked me to the cab area so I could go home, and saw me off. I got home safe and sound. The next day he text me, mind you, I have always dated MAD tall guys. My ex is 6”6”, ex-ex is 6”4”, ex-ex-ex is “6’8”, ex-ex-ex-ex is 6”6”. And this dude was mad short, like .5 inches shorter than me (give or take). However, I didn’t want to be superficial, so I thought, “Ok, Crystal, he is nice, has a college degree, and give him the benefit of the doubt, just meet up with him.” So when I met up with him I thought there would be other people with him and it was more of a social outing versus a “date?” Then, I met him and it was just us! Mind you he was nice, had a suit on and was very “grown.” So I went along with it. However, I believe I was taller than him by a little bit and it bothered me! SO were walking in this casino but he was mad cool and confident so I try to overlook the “short” factor. Then we make it to this “hood” place where there are a lot of minority peeps. OK, so I feel kinda awkward because I am wearing my Chanel beige sports coat so when we walk in this spot all the Black girls were looking at me like “oh your man is ballin.” Yes, so we walk in and it looks that way because he goes straight to the bar and buys me a drink (like a man should) while all the Black girls were looking at me (I believe due to my jacket) and all the Black men were looking at me like “you are with this dude? But it must because he is ballin.” Yes this dude is shorter than me and it is awkward! Even more so because everyone was looking at us, lol. So, we sit down and all night this dude was walking by our table and kept looking at me and it felt awkward because to me it was NOT a date but a mere social outing. So we finally leave and go to a bar inside the casino. So were there, and the dude tries to put his arm around me and is trying to hold my hand. I am SO not feelin’ it! I avoid his attempt to put his arm around me by sitting straight up (lol) and am holding my own hands in front of my lap. I am thinking he is nice. He is polite. He is a gentleman. Why not give him a chance since he has a college degree and let me be open-minded. THEN he tells me he DOES not have a vehicle. Ugh, I lose all sense of open-mindedness. My thought was “deuces!” However, I remain calm. All the while he has been telling me that I am reserved, rude, standoff-ish, mean, etc…Bottom line is I TRIED to be cool and be open-minded to kick it with a dude who was slightly shorter than me but it did not work. No physical attraction, nothing! He is an extremely nice person but I couldn’t do it. Can we just be friends? Call me vain to want to date a male who is taller than me but I do! Anyways, an example of one of my so-called male encounters recently LOL.

Just Me...a REZ girl

I have to state my personal case because my struggle and background is not uniform among all Natives. I am a REZ girl (born and raised in Ft. Defiance Arizona). Actually my mom began labor with me while in a Tee-Pee ceremony that my Cheii (maternal grandfather) was performing during the Navajo Nation Fair. My dad was at an Eddie Rabbit Concert and my family had to track down my dad to tell him my mom was in labor with me at the Ft. Defiance Indian Health Service Hospital in Ft. Defiance, AZ (on the Navajo Nation). So I am a Navajo Nation Fair baby. I grew up on the Rez around all Navajo people. I am proud and fortunate to say I grew up around ceremonies and around my Navajo culture. I used to sell candy, “pop” as we Rez people call it, and ice cream at “Nidaa’” or “Jinjay” ceremonies, otherwise known as “Squaw Dances”. My Nali (paternal grandfather) used to promote my sellings because he used to talk into a speaker system and tell all the Navajo’s to go to that “blue van” over dere and buy stuff from me (lol). I have always been a born Native hustler, Rez style of course, even as a kid trying to make a dime at ceremonies (ayyye). Then I hooped in high school (I was even kinda good) and my hooping skills granted me a college basketball scholarship at a junior college. However, even though I knew I was not “dumb” I did not believe I was “smart”. I struggled in college but only because I did not give the effort I needed to and I failed. I failed so many classes. THEN I realized I had to get my shizz together with a very low GPA. Actually, I did not even have a high enough GPA to get into Arizona State University (ASU). So I ended up doing some more semesters at different junior colleges to raise my GPA until it became high enough and then I applied at ASU. I got in and raise my GPA higher and got a double major. Then GRAD school at University of Nevada-Las Vegas (UNLV) and then finishing up my professional degree at UNLV (Ph.D baby). Believe me, it was challenging and tested me on every level. I believe I have succeeded because I have FAILED so many times. However, as a small time Rez girl, I made it because I never gave up and stayed committed to my ultimate goal even at a lot of points of time that seemed unattainable. Due to these struggles I have remained humbled. I am stating this because many who read my blog have no idea of my life story. I have been raised by strong family members in my life that include my maternal and paternal grandparents and strong parents. I have always had a strong support system. These family members have granted me the ability to succeed. It’s funny because when I tell my mom about my most recent love drama she NEVER feels bad for me. All she says is, “You will be okay, you have a hard heart, and I am not worried about you.” And nothing else! She just disregards my past relationship existence and does not validate my “sadness” because she trusts that I am “strong” enough to handle it and keeps it moving. Oh but ONE time I was going through it and I wanted to drop out of graduate school and go home to Arizona but my mom said to me, “Oh you are NOT dropping out of graduate school, it was your decision to go to school and you STAY there, you are NOT going to leave because of some man, some man that DOES NOT LOVE YOU at that because if he did then he would be there, but he left, so stop crying over some MAN THAT DOES NOT LOVE YOU, and you stay there and you will graduate!!!!” That is a Rez mom for you so needless to say all I could do was stay in school and graduate, I had to listen to her (lol). Do NOT even let me get started on my Dad (all men beware!). Let me just say my dad raised me to be some “tough-ass” Rez girl in so many ways because he is a tough-ass Rez dude who does NOT play. So, combined, I am extremely lucky to be the result of an awesome familial background. However, as a Native girl, even with a great family background, I seemed to have questioned my “self-worth” at times. I sometimes have forgotten that I have awesome values, character, and traditions that are instilled in me. I have got caught up in self-doubt, failure, and self-consciousness like any human has. Especially, when you leave the Rez and are subjected into “main stream” society, which will always grant new challenges. However, no matter the challenges, whether it is institutionalized racism/discrimination to love/relationship drama, my way of dealing with challenges has ALWAYS been to revert back to who I am and where I come from and that is a reason WHY I am here. I have a purpose. Again, I have a purpose. And so do you my Native people so let’s make our purpose count like I know we can!

"False-Male Potential"

I have been guilty on giving a man the benefit of the doubt by believing his FALSE potential. You know the men who you know are intelligent, talk a great game, and talk about what they “want” to do. But yet as time goes by they are still talking and not doing? And it takes time for you to finally connect the dots that they are all just talk and not doing! Yes, it happened to me a couple of times, maybe more. I met a man that was extremely intelligent and he would tell my educated friends and me facts about any random subject because he was/is (he Is still alive) truly smart. However, I got caught up in the “you are so smart” trap and that everyone who met him also agreed so I felt he was “validated.” He was deemed a “catch” per se. However, beyond his innate intellect he did not act on it. Yes, he had/has dreams and goals like everyone else that he consistently verbalized to me. Then he became unemployed and broke. So, I picked up the slack and supported the man because I felt he will get back on his feet and this is just a temporary slump…until that temporary slump became the permanent status. I got “bamboozled” as many would say. I believed the hype. I also became an enabler. I thought I was supporting a man who had all the potential in the world and that my “support” would be returned once he got his stuff together, because essentially I thought we were a team. Then, after two-three years later it finally hit me that this would never happen. He would never be the man he said he wanted to be and that I know he could have been because there was no true effort to his part and it was all talk. So two-three years into the relationship it was doomed. I failed because I listened to his words and not his actions because I loved him and oh so wanted to believe he was going to be the man he said he wanted to be and that I knew he could be. He failed. We failed. I thought about this tonight because I had a convo with a new friend. She met a guy she was feeling that lives out–of-state and she offered to pay for this trip out here so early onto their “getting to know each other” phase. I advised against it because I told her do NOT make the same mistake I made by believing a male until he has proved the minimum requirements to you in whatever you feel is a priority to you. At the beginning of the relationship we should not enable any male in anyway. They are the men and they should act as such. Until they prove their worth, their interest, their stability, their love, their intent, their commitment then WE can react in such regards to that but that is only until they do their part!!!

Get Checked Native Men by Me! LOL

First, I am a 100% PURE bred REZ girl: born and raised on the Navajo Reservation (REZ), grew up on the REZ, lived by Navajo traditional principles (Not church or colonized principles), and had all REZ experiences in every fashion/form. So I am an extremely proud REZ girl! Let me re-phase, I am an extremely proud NAVAJO female and love being ME. I have been raised by the BEST men in the world who are my grandfathers and know what it is to be TRUE men; so when I say this to my Native men it is no disrespect. I have also known a LOT of great Native men besides my elders who shaped the course of my life in their own way, like my father. AND I have dated many Native men in my lifetime. However, I have a LOT of Native men talking sideways about Native females saying we are: gold diggers, have mad kids, uneducated, have no ambition, think simple, and other stuff on a repeated basis, but like you Native men, we are not ALL like that. For me for instance, I will use me as the case because I speak for myself, I am not a gold digger, I am getting my Ph.D, I am stable, I am a traditional Navajo woman, and I have no kids. So, I do not fit in that stereotype I keep hearing about. However, I have to say I have dated Native men and they also have issues. I will speak on the least touchy subjects right now and get into deeper ones as the show goes on. First, Native men do not know how to “approach” a Native women PROPERLY. It is not cute when Native men are so passive-aggressive. For instance, if you are at Gallup mall (mall near the REZ…aye) do not say “Shhhht”. Instead, please come up to us like a man and say, “Hello, my name is (blah blah)”. Be a man and approach a female in the proper way. Second, do not be cheap! Your Native female is worth than mutton sandwich/frybread at the flea market in Gallup (aye) lol. Third, tell a female and show her how you feel that “if” you are feeling her then show it and tell her. Do not be shy (that is annoying). Keep it real with her. For instance, recently I had Native guy #1 who I have had a crush on now for like 4 years (since 2009) and he probably does/might not feel the same and not show it in a “manly “way. Maybe he did it in his own way, maybe-granted, but it was questionable, but was in an extremely passive-aggressive demeanor. So, I went to the REZ during the holidays and we saw each other and it was cool but when it came down to it turned to be “awkward” because he was not clear on stuff. He acted like he liked me but then he seemed also “shy” or “reserve” or “passive-aggressive” and myself, personally, do not understand that because I am a straight up person. So, I just left that alone. Second, last night I know a Tuscurora male I know from back in the day, because he was friends with my cousins ex-boyfriend. Ten years ago I met him and he was nice but in a relationship and was my cousins ex-boyfriend’s friend. So, last night he starts FB messaging me sexually explicit conversation out of the blue. And I tell him, “Oh, so this is how Native men talk to Native girls now?” And he apologized. However, so this is how Native men are now! Ya’ll need to step up! I would love to date a Native male but at this point y’all are scared, intimidated, awkward, judgemental, etc…so please get your shizz together! I still love y’all tho. No love lost from me because I am also a Native girl.

Post Break-Ups

We have all been there, break-up status. I do not wish the worst break-ups on my worst enemy. At this point in my life I am questioning whether I am getting great at them or was I not really “in love” when compared to my previous relationships, because I am “ok”. For instance, in a previous 10-year relationship, my ex used to cheat on me a lot. In between the cheatings, I hurt a lot. However, I always accepted him back because it made me feel better but then he would do it again and hurt me all over again. After years of this, I decided it was finally time to leave. Yes, when we finally had the “for real” break-up. I was heart-broken but not as heart-broken as the times when I found out he was cheating on me. It did take me a long time to get over the relationship but I was not as bad as I was when we were in the temporary “break-up” phases. Those times in the temporary “break-ups” were the worst for me because I could not eat, sleep, wonder what he was doing, think about him 24/7, I could not be alone…I was just hopeless! My second break-up was similar but we were only together for 2 years but we lived together and shared all expenses. I thought I was going to marry this man and I was “in love” with him. Then I found evidence of cheating so we broke-up very suddenly and unexpectedly. I found myself in a gut-wrenching, heart broken, post break-up phase! I could not eat (lost 15-20 pounds), could not sleep, I bothered my friends constantly. I even was on the verge of dropping out of graduate school but my mom would not let that happen because she checked me (lol). In comparison to those break-ups, I am actually doing extremely great on my most recent break-up (3 months ago). I mean of course I was hurt, had unanswered questions, felt lonely at times, and missed him but those are all normal feelings. I still loved him. However, I wonder if it I wasn’t going through it was bad because it didn’t end unexpectedly and that the build-up to ending our relationship was inevitable due to our constant arguing? Or is it because I am better able to cope with break-ups? Or is it because I wasn’t “in love” with him like I thought I was? Well, at this point I can’t truly decipher the reason why this break-up seemed different on those aspects but I am grateful that I did not react in an extremely depressed, confused, and lonely state because that is the WORST! For those of you who may be going through something let me say you WILL get through your hardships of the “break-up”. Keep your head up sister and keep smiling/keep loving/keep living!