Yesterday, I asked the question on FB: “
Question: Do you consider a man a "good" father if he most definitely loves his children, spends time with them, but is not a consistent financial provider (when he works he supports; when he does not work there is little effort to find a job)???”.
And I got numerous responses! I think that was a broad question and could be interpreted in many ways, hence, elicited different kinds of responses. I know everyone has different experiences, backgrounds, and perspectives, so when I state my views, I just would like you to know I feel everyone has valid points. There is no right or wrong answer here because in real life situations, often times, there are more grey areas versus black or white. However, I feel a father should contribute to his children in all aspects: spiritually, emotionally, quality time, and financially. I say this with strong conviction because I was fortunate enough to have a father who provided for me in all these realms. My father was extremely pro-active in my life, especially in my formative years.
My father is Navajo, has a law degree, always has been employed (in fact started a financial firm in NYC in Wall-Street and was quite successful), built his own house from scratch, has cattle/horses, speaks Navajo, is a rodeo man, installed his own solar system to provide electricity to his house and water tank, and practices his Navajo tradition. My father is the LEAST lazy person I have known.
SPIRITUAL/SELF-DISCIPLINE: His philosophy was you have to discipline your child early, so you instill respect and discipline, because when they reach their teen years moving forward, then all you can do is guide them. So, my father woke me up at 5 am Monday-Friday to go running with him. First, we would pray together with corn pollen to the east (Navajo teaching) then run. He told me that this practice instilled self-discipline so I will not be lazy in life and I would be able to obtain my life goals. He would talk to me all the time during these runs. He would tell me that because I am a Navajo and a female that in life I would have it harder than a lot of people because of these two factors, so I would have to be stronger (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) than everyone else. He would always schedule ceremonies for me and I always had a yearly birthday “tee-pee” ceremony for me run by my Nale’ man. My dad was always in the ceremonies with me (sat with up with me all night while he sang and prayed for me) and he also always helped prepare for them like getting firewood and he always paid for all expenses. When I acted up he did not play. For example, one time when I was younger and I gave him “attitude”, he drove me to where the horses were and said “I am going to put you on this horse and wherever that horse goes, you go, so that horse can take you and that attitude somewhere else!” I was crying hysterically begging and pleading with him, “Please dad no-no, please I will not have an attitude anymore, I promise!” He never put me on that horse and I never gave him “attitude” again, LOL. Needless to say, he was a real disciplinarian as well.
EDUCATION: He would make me watch news and read the newspaper in elementary school to be aware of world events and made me give feedback on my analysis. Mind you, he would not ask for a summary of what I saw or wrote, but he would ask me my critique analysis as a 3rd grader! He would pick my brain. He would read my history books from beginning to end and supplement the school taught history and have me read other history books that were not taught in school so I knew the real deal. He would go my school on the first week every year to “grill” my teachers on my curriculum and he would ask to see it. If I did not come home with homework, he would go to my school and say, “My child did not come home with homework, she needs to be challenged, so she should have homework”. (My teachers and the principal were scared of my dad!) He would always express the importance of education since I can remember. He would always say “YOU ARE going to college and graduating”. It was never an option for me. He planted that seed in my head as a kid. He made me aware I would not fall into the same systemic traps as a lot of Natives, such as; having lots of kids, poverty, not going to college, or not traveling the world. And I believed him because he was college educated and I knew if he could do it, then I could, he made me believe not only by telling me but also by action of what he accomplished. In third grade, I went to Ganado elementary school, and had a Navajo teacher. My dad did not like me being in her class because “she had no social skills” because he said she never said “Good morning students.” He asked the principal to place me in a different class that was instructed by a White teacher because she said “Good morning” to all her students. He said I needed to learn good social skills! LOL!
TIME: My dad used to take me to watch basketball but I was not interested. Nevertheless, I would go. Until I saw a girl name Ryneldi Becenti play, that’s when I was like, wow, I want to play now! I got into basketball and my mom would take me to practice everyday. But, my dad and me used to go to the basketball courts so he could teach me stuff. It would be just me and my pops hoopin’. He used to coach a few of my pee-wee teams. Also, one time I got into a fight with some girl at school. So, he bought a speed bag and made all this equipment (lol). In my front yard there were these exercise things he made and we did together. He put the speed bag in his office and I used to go in there and use it. He taught me how to box! He showed me how to fight because he said if you ever get into another fight I know you will know how to defend yourself! I even joined a boxing club lol. His thought was now I don’t have to worry about you in that department lol. In addition, on the Rez it snows a lot! When I was of driving age in the wintertime he would take me to an empty parking lot with lots of space and snow/ice. He would make me drive, push on the gas hard and then break hard, so the vehicle would spin on the ice. He did that to teach me how to control a vehicle on icy roads. He told me that now I don’t have to worry about you when it snows and it’s icy because I know you know how to drive in these bad road conditions.
FINANCES: Growing up I never really wanted for anything because my dad was a great supporter. I always had nice clothes and nice things. In high school, we would go school clothes shopping and he would wait outside each store for me while reading a book/newspaper and when I was done in that store he would pay for the bill and not even look at the receipt, he would just pay, then it was onto the next store! Mind you, I like the more expensive things so in high school I wasn’t cheap either, LOL. But, the message to me in the end of my shopping sprees was if I worked hard enough, then eventually I could do the same for my future child and myself. Hard work pays off and I cannot just sit back and expect all these nice things to come to fruition if I don’t work hard. I learned it is nice to have nice things and I like it, but I know I have to work hard in order to obtain them.
I tell you my experiences because my dad was and still is a great dad to me. I needed all of these elements from him as a father. He played his role 100% as a father and my mother played her role 100% as a mother, and I needed this as a child individually and in combination. No role was less/more important. Their roles were equal. My mother could never teach me what my father did and vice versa. Their roles were completely different and each has to complement each other. My parents got a divorce and yet, my father, was still in my life and still provided for me. I do not know where I would be in life if either did not play their role at 100%. My father taught me a lot and made me a “stronger” Navajo female and because of his teachings (along with my mothers) I know my self-worth and I have self-empowerment and self-will!
I feel if I was in a relationship (married or long-term) then I would want the man to provide financially as well as physically for the children. I mean whenever I have a baby I would like to have that choice to stay at home for the first 6-9 months of my child’s life to breastfeed. I feel that is my right as a mother and I would like to know my mate could go to work everyday and hold down the finances for that period of time, because the male cannot breastfeed. It would be hard to do that if the male is not employed so that means I would have no choice but to go to work, regardless, of my personal choice to breastfeed. If the parents are not together, I still feel the male should hold 50% of the responsibility. Kids are expensive and they need the guidance from their father.
However, I do understand “roles”. I mean I understand the “stay at home father” and the “working mother” and if that’s what you agreed upon, awesome! I mean there are a million different situations and it is not always so cut and dry but in my personal experience I was extremely fortunate to have such loving parents/family. This is probably why I don't have kids yet! It gets tricky and I tend to over think things! I know a lot of people did not have that, I am mindful of that, and sympathetic.
(Below are comments Natives from different tribes wrote in response to my question)
-“Sorry, babies have needs that require money. Since when is it the mothers' responsibility to pick up the dads slack in the financial department?” -ED
-“Most mothers try to cover all of the responsibility of finances & care. A good dad would cover the same.” -NA
-“depends on the situation as each one is unique. In my experience, some men just don't have it to give. Some do but some don't. Every child needs raising, but it's a longer thing to discuss. Socio economic considerations, mental health, etc.” –JK
-“We are living in a society of emasculated men, and a society that does not value family or community, it only values the self etc.” –JK
-“f your sons father told you: " I know you need money because our kid grew out of all his shoes, and you need a few dollars for after school care while your still at work, but I can't provide any of that, I'll just spend time with our child when I want, when its convenient for me." It shows a sick lack of ambition and priorities.” –ED
-“I’m talking exactly about our tribal societies today, many of our men have been emasculated. Their tradish role etc. under attack. Our men are not valued in their roles by this society. Then.....to much to type here.” –JK
-“Then yeah there's just a lot of lazy, selfish men, but I think that's directly in relation to colonization. But that's just me.” –JK
-“Not all parents are able to have the income to support a child but does not mean they have to stop loving their child by showing up at events, parent/teacher conference, hiking, doing art projects together, texting and talking on the phone tell you r kid he/she is best thing that has ever happened to them. For whatever reason a parent cannot provide financially, it does not mean the cannot provide everything else. Some parents can provide so much financially but that is all they do. Is that better parenting? I don't know.” –RB
-“I feel that's a 70% Dad...I'll always try to be 100% support on everything. hey give those types of Dads credit...nobody is perfect...” –MV
-“I am sort of in the situation you're describing, and I'm telling you it's my perception that its not good enough for my son. I can't depend on his father if we are in a tough financial situation: I need the power bill paid so my child can stay warm, or I need to buy groceries. His dad is unable to help with those things, so I'd better figure it out because I know it is my responsibility to provide for my child, I manned up, and I deal with it every time, like a man.” –ED
-“It varies among few good men, some good daddy's ive seen got booted out only to pay child support and the woman is in another relationship and uses protection order t keep the good daddy away fr his children...” –OW
-“In my book you need to have a job... I don't care if you're flipping burgers at McDonald's... You need to have some type of income flow for that little person that you help make and be there (physically and emotionally) for that same little person... If I'm working two jobs to support my son and taking care of him every single day then the dad is more than capable of holding down at the very least one job...” –CE
-“A good man would make effort to support his kid or kids and spouse financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. To be there to support his spouse in every way possible. To put his pride aside and do what he can to make sure his family is safe in all aspects.” –BJ
-“I think if he takes the time to spend quality time on a consistant basis with the child, then maybe his not being able to provide so much financially is not so bad. As long as he is doing his best to provide as much as he can to the child. Children will remember time spent with them more than the material things. But if no time is spent, then they should support more than their share financially. Time spent is better than nothing, because there are very selfish men out there who completely abandon their children, have well paying jobs and have never contributed even one dollar or bought one diaper for their child/children.” –DB
-“He’s a bum if he can't provide all around the board” –PM
-“All I have to say is that,the kids did not asked to be born,so its up to both parents to raise them. God bless the children.” –BN
-“Providing a loving respectful relationship Between a parent and child is by far better then money. If the parent has unconditional love that's real otherwise if a parent is financially stable but provides no financial support then that's bogus. Plain and simple children need loving parents” –LH
-“A father needs to LOVE and FINANCIAL support! There should be no excuse to not have one whether its at Burger King, Yard Work, or a nice job. In todays society, both parents need to be working because everything cost money, nothing is free. On the otherhand, if one of the parents needs to stay home, thats okay too. Personal, I cant deal with LAZY people and people who makes excuses why they cant find a job when they really can. I’m sorry but the men today are not built like they use to be. Bushy, this subject varies but it all boils down to wether or not their lazy.” EH
-“A man that takes care of his kids financial can also be a bad parent. I make more income but my hubs does all the work at home. He attends conferences...cooks..cleans..laundry..stays up late to make sure everyone has clothes for school/work. When were in a bind i have resources and brains to get us out. But im so thankful he takes care of evrything else. I dont mind working 3 jobs to keep the fam going. Back in the day men took sole responsibility for their fam while the wives stayed home but we never questioned if the moms were "good" because they werent expected to work thus the tites "home keeper and housewife".” -CM
