Native Dating Dynamics

Among Natives we all have lots in common in the aspects of how we view the importance of family and community, and if you are a “traditional” Native, then we have even more in common on spirituality and cultural teachings. There are the known cultural protocols and kinship structures that we practice, whether we grew up on the Rez or not. There are also the people who comfortably transit between “mainstream” and “tribal” norms by constantly flowing in-between both dynamics. Then, you have the Natives who comfortably stay on the Rez and those who comfortably stay in urban areas. I sometimes wonder how this impacts dating among your own tribe or dating within inter-tribal spaces.

While growing up on the Rez, at the time I always dated Native men because that is who I was constantly around and I found them attractive, of course. The further I moved away from the Rez and the more I interacted with different racial/ethnic groups, I slowly stopped dating Native men. There was a long time period in my life where I found Native men did not flirt or approach me. And during this time period is when I completely stopped dating Native men. However, maybe I have been so far removed from their “ways of  flirting”, that even if they did, maybe I was the one who was oblivious to it. In comparison, I have noticed that other men of color seem to be a bit more “aggressive” or “assertive” on their interest in you. They will bluntly tell you that you are pretty, ask you out, or ask how they can contact you. Whereas Native men are more subtle and in some ways leave you wondering, does he like me? Or does he want to be my buddy?

There is also the consideration that if you are of the same tribe that you have to figure out if you are related first. Maybe there is that unconscious pause period before readily telling someone you are interested or even readily being interested, because you are trying to decipher those kinship systems first. Once you figure that out, then maybe you are more likely to move forward with that interested suitor. I will give an example. I once met a man who is the same tribe as me and although I thought he was cute, I was mentally uninterested. You see I was physically interested but I was mentally uninterested. In the back of my mind I had to hear his clans first because he could unknowingly be my brother/father/grandpa by our Navajo cultural clanship system that determines our kinship to each other. I had to put my physical attraction on hold until I could find out if he was related to me. I also found myself being pessimistic thinking what are the odds are that is not related to me (probably very slim), so why even bother thinking of him other than family. I mean, who wants to have a crush on their brother, gross! The relation is still significant even if that person is not related by blood. Therefore, I definitely think when you are dating within your own tribe, this kinship aspect is highly significant.

I am assessing dating Native men vs. non-Native men AND dating Navajo men vs. dating men of other tribes. When you date Navajo men, they know that our tribe is matriarchal and there is that given “respect” sort of speak. When dating men of other tribes, they may come from a patriarchal tribal cultural/social dynamic. So, even if you are both Native, there may be clashes. I found that when dating other men of color that they are more patriarchal frame-minded and that used to cause clashes in my dating dynamics with them.  Sometimes it seems much easier to date someone NOT from your tribe and sometimes it seems much easier TO DATE someone from your tribe. The complex  love life of the Navajo Nation.

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I am privileged

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is motivational theory in psychology consisting of a five stage hierarchical model of human needs. For those of who went to college, we can probably remember this basic theory in Psych 101. Maslow (1943) theorized that people are motivated to achieve certain needs and some needs are more “important” than others.

This five-stage pyramid model indicates that the first four levels are referred to deficiency needs and the top level is known as growth needs (McLeod, 2016). The deficiency needs are theorized to motivate people when they are unmet and those unmet needs to be fulfilled; and the longer they are not fulfilled the stronger they become (i.e., the longer a person does not drink water they more thirsty they become). In addition, one must satisfy stage one before progressing to meet stage two, and so forth. Through life experiences (i.e. loss of job, death in family) people may move through the hierarchy uni-directional moving up and down through the pyramid.

The 5-stage original hierarchy of needs five-stage model are:

1. Biological and Physiological- air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep  

2. Safety needs- protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear

3. Love and belongingness needs- friendship, intimacy, trust, acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love. Affiliating, being part of a group (family, friends, work)

4. Esteem needs- achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, respect from others

5. Self-actualization needs-realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences

This theory can transcend to various parts of our lives. For example, I had a person ask me why the Washington R******* issue was important because they deemed it as petty and that Natives have more important stuff to worry about (i.e, getting wood, affording food, getting clean water). At that moment, I thought that the person was thinking from a tunnel vision aspect and not understanding the bigger picture of how the mascot issues contribute to ongoing stereotyping and discrimination. Then, I had to re-think this from their perspective.

I had this epiphany a few months ago that I am privileged. I had this epiphany while I was debating with my White male colleague and told him he was/is privileged. As I was verbally stating that to him I realized that I am privileged too because we are both doctors, sitting in the same office, working for the same prestigious academic institution. I could not deny my new academic, economic, and professional status; although it still seems foreign to me majority of the time. I still consider myself a girl from the Rez and that will never change, however other people may see me different now.

With my newfound perspective, I have thought a lot. First, I have the luxury to worry about issues such as Native and stereotypes. I have the luxury to worry about and take action on so many Native issues because according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I have my biological/physiological, safety needs, love and belongingness, esteem needs, and self-actualization needs met for the most part. Whereas Native people are worrying about obtaining their biological/physiological and safety needs, so they do not have the luxury to worry about other needs, such as self-actualization or love.

Further, it makes sense why domestic violence is a big issue in our communities. Many of our members are worried about those basic needs and love/belongingness is not their first priority compared to having food, water, warm house, etc…Many people in our Native communities worry about just getting through the day, the week, the month. I did not even think about my privileged status prior because I still feel I am the community and they are me and there is no separation. However, I could be more mindful and aware at times.

Who pays during the dates?

This day in age of dating could be daunting and ambiguous. There are multiple social media and dating websites to meet potential love interests. There is also the old-fashion way to meet people, in-person. There are more women who are self-sufficient and empowered…we had Hillary Clinton run for president this election season. Our gender dynamics are ever changing and evolving for better or worse depending on who you are and your philosophical worldviews and practices.

Is it protocol you go Dutch the first time you meet a person online? Are women considered gold-diggers if they want the men to pay for everything all the time during the first few dates? Do women prefer the pay half or their own tab because they do not want to feel “obligated” to give up anything to that man later in that date or in their dating timeframe? Do men still feel that since they pay, that women “should” give them something in return in the beginning? Are women feeling more empowered and demonstrate that empowerment by paying for their date? Are women paying for dates for the simple fact that they do not want to be labeled as a gold-digger? Are there still old-school gentleman out there that wants to and will pay for dates? How long is the time between going on your first few dates to dating that a female should feel comfortable to pay? These are all valid and interesting questions if you are in the dating game.

In December of 2016, I met a guy from the east coast while I was there. He asked me to lunch, we went, he paid. Simple. There was no hesitation or awkwardness when the tab arrived of “who is going to pay?” He quickly grabbed the bill and that was that.

Recently, I was hanging out with a friend of mine. She wanted me to tag along on her hanging out with a guy she met through mutual friends online. She had never met this fella in-person. I tagged along to dinner and asked for a separate check for myself. According to my friend, when their bill arrived, her male friend did not get the check quick enough and there was that awkward moment of “who is going to pay?” She then grabbed the check and put her credit card down. Their bill was ~$65 and the male friend gave her $45 cash. The next day he wanted to take her out on a date and I somehow ended up tagging along again. He asked her to purchase the tickets online. She did. He never paid her back. However, he bought popcorn and drinks. Interesting I thought as an outside person examining the awkwardness of money. I thought since he wanted to hangout with her that he should have paid for the tickets. 

In my dating experiences I do not usually have that “paying” awkwardness. However, I am not saying that it has not happened, it has, but it is not the norm for me. It is interesting to observe the financial dynamics between men and women between the first few dates-relationships-marriage. I must admit that I get turned off if a man expects me to pay or puts me in a position to pay by "awkwardness" in the beginning of our dating phase. Personally, I prefer the old-school gentleman who pays during our courting phase. I prefer to be courted. After the first few dates then I will want to start to pay now and then. –Love, Peace, and Frybread Grease