Learning Lessons-Never Judge a Book By Its Cover

I met a guy about 9 months ago during 2016 Superbowl weekend. We “dated” or “talked” or whatever you call it for a couple of months. It did not go well because I found him to be arrogant, conceited, egotistical, and patriarchal. We clashed a lot during our times of “dating.” I felt like we debated so much and we had to prove our individual points. He had his male ego and I had my feminist ego. To be fair, I’ll say we got on each other’s nerves. And around that time, I found out I was coming to work at UCLA and we just stopped talking. Also, I thought this would never work anyways, because he was so ANNOYING to me. No big deal…just part of the dating game is finding people you’re not compatible with I thought.

Fast forward to end of October. I saw him at the sports book where I always watch football, he approached me and said, “I thought you moved to LA but I’ve seen you here a couple of times.” I said, “I did but only 50% of my time and the other 50% I live here.” He said, “You look pretty…can I have your number again and the reason why I stopped talking to you from my end was because I thought you moved and I thought how can I build something with someone who is moving?” In my mind, I thought, no we stopped talking because we weren’t compatible…well at least on my end that’s why. However, I gave him my number again anyways just to see…

What happened in the beginning was the same thing. We clashed as usual. For example, we had different perceptions of time and respect of time, among other things. I went all “Navajo woman” on him a few times because he was getting on my damn nerves. My Navajo woman-ness walked out on him while watching a game together and yelling at him, lol. I thought, why am I even talking to this dude?! So, I texted him saying: I can only be your homie-nothing more. We can go watch games together and you can holla at girls in front of me, I’ll even hook you up because I have some good girls that are my friends that you’ll probably be even more compatible with. I tried to push him away as far as I could and suggested to try to hook him up with some of my girls! Through all my drama and me pushing him away, he overlooked it, and never took me up on my offer to be hooked up with one of my girls, lol.

I have spent time with him over these past few days while in LA. This man is a successful business owner, has linear thought, thinks such like a man, ambitious, confident, doesn’t second guess his decisions because he’s thoroughly thought about it and/or knows what he wants. He’s in LA for family circumstances but he’s made every effort to see me daily. He communicated to me that, “I’m grown and I know what I want or don’t want.” After spending this time with him and getting to know him better, I find we’re not so different after all. He still has his ego and annoying perspectives as a man, but I’d rather he have those thoughts. For example, he says things like, “A man provides, makes the money, takes care of bills, a man this…, a man that…” I tend to get annoyed with what he says and believes, because I’m a woman that is capable of making my own money, paying for my own bills…etc. However, would I rather him he say, “I don’t want to provide, I don’t want to make money, I don’t want to pay bills, etc..?” Ommmm..HELL NO! I have to check myself on my feminism because I want a hard-working and ambitious man, and that’s what he is. We have a joke where he says, “I fired you like 5 times and you’re still here.” Then, I say, “I’ve fired you like 7 times and you’re still here.” LOL

We have a lot in common but it was hard for me to see through that because I was seeking all his negative traits first-rather than getting to know him first. That was a learning lesson to me: Never judge a book by its cover. What’s your learning lesson when it comes to dating/love/relationships?

Non-existent Dating Life

I have limited time to spend doing “extra-curricular” activities, which includes anything outside of work and travel. My time is limited to spend time with myself, including family and friends. When my down time occurs, I feel like why would I want to waste my time dating, when I don’t know how it will turn out with this prospective individual. I feel my time would be better spent with me resting or with my loved ones, family and friends that is. So, as a single-Native-professional, who-when-how do you have time to date or even meet men, in general?

I work around 50-70 hours/week, given anytime of the week. I travel about 30% of my time. When I hang out with friends in social setting, I’m not looking to meet men, I’m there to chill with my family and friends. People advised me to meet men online and that’s is something I’m just not comfortable with. Plus, checking your dating site seems time consuming as well. My main context of this blog is, I don’t have time to seek men to date, nor the energy. They practically have to all into my lap on a silver platter these days. I’m trying to build my career, my financial capital, and just be a better person than I was yesterday. Therefore, right dating seems near to impossible for me at this point of my life.

For example, I met this person and he’s like it seems like you’re too busy for me. And he asked if I will make time for him. My answer was I will do my best with no guarantees, at least for the next year of my life. *Sigh* This dating thing is so not working out for me right now. 

How does the current state of race relations impact relationships?

The current state of race relations is not new. There has always been racial tension between communities of color and Euro-Americans since this country was stolen from us Natives. As a whole, Natives and Blacks have the highest disparities in all categories that negatively impact our daily lives. According to the Department of Justice, Center on Juvenile & Criminal Justice, and Lakota People’s Law Project:

·       Natives are incarcerated at a rate 38% higher than the national average

·       Native youth are 30% more likely than Whites to be referred to juvenile court than have charges dropped

·       Native men are incarcerated at 4X’s the rate of White men; Native women are incarcerated at 6X’s the rate of White women

·       88% of violent crimes committed against Natives is done by non-Natives

·       Natives are more likely to be killed than any other racial group

The state of this country’s current situation is bringing out the discussion of race relation issues. It may be uncomfortable for some, however, it’s not uncomfortable to me because I have learned quite early on by my father, who went to Law School, that there will always be discrimination. In fact, he told me that I will have it 10X’s harder than anybody else because I’m minority and I’m a female, so I have to work 10X’s harder than everyone else just to be deemed as “equal.” Let’s not be ignorant and dismissive of these issues. They exist. However, some people do not want to recognize it, talk about it, “give into” it, etc…I am not exactly sure why that is the case.

My question is, how do these race relations impact our daily interactions or romantic relationships? I know for myself, I lack trust because I have been discriminated against consistently, and when it constantly occurs, my trust walls have risen. It is my natural and instinctive way to protect myself. Living on the reservation and traveling in-and-out of neighboring cities and towns, there’s significant amount of discrimination that exist among Natives.

My frustration and personal experiences have put me in a place of frustration. However, instead of using my frustration negatively, I try to apply it towards fighting for equality and trying to create change in our communities. Nevertheless, at some point there’s a level of tiredness, skeptical thinking, and overwhelming feelings that gets the best of you.

For these reasons, I choose to date men of color. I want to relate to my partner on a level of consciousness he can understand that stems from historical trauma. I know this thought logic may seem weird. But, I want to know when I come home from trying to “fight the world” sort of speak, those frustrations that are are within me, that he can truly empathize with my pain at those times. There’s a level of understanding where he “just knows.” He can say those right words to support me or give me my space to take the overwhelming burdens of the outside world off my shoulders and keep it outside, letting me know I am safe with him on every level imaginable, especially mentally. I want to be able to vent freely, without confusion or lack of understanding on his part. 

I am not always in a trusting space to intimately interact with people who have not experienced discrimination or oppression. I feel like this because what if they say something ignorant, then what would my reaction be? What if they dismiss my experiences or concerns? What if they deem me as an "angry Native girl?" What if they don't believe me. What if they think "i'm trippin?" 

I also find it interesting that when I’m with my people of color, professional colleagues we talk about our “brown people” challenges because it is integrated into our daily lives, whether we want it to be or not, we have no choice. We talk about our work, career, families, that circle around our personal identity, whether it’s bad or good. For example, my Black friends talk about how they talk to their Black children, especially their sons. Parallel, to how my father talked to me about discrimination as I was a kid. It’s our parents’ duties to prepare us for life. When I’m around my White colleagues, the discussion of race or discrimination never occurs. They talk about their daily work challenges, which is challenging, but racial discrimination or profiling is not part of their daily-lived experiences, so there’s no reference to it.

I find it interesting how these situations cause a divide and people are “uncomfortable” to talk about it because they may have opposite views or experiences. We all have different experiences and viewpoints. As a Native woman, these are my personal experiences and viewpoints.

#Equality #KnowledgeIsPower #DecolonizeYourMind

Why do unavailable men want to hit on me?

Over the past few months I’ve been hit on by numerous married, engaged, or committed men. It baffles me. I’m thinking do I act/look like I’m some sort of “jump-off?” What is going on to make these men think I would be interested in engaging in any kind of non-appropriate activities with them? However, let me state that most of these men who hit on me are acquaintances and I know them in some capacity, whether it’s through mutual friends, work, or we’re friends. Also, it’s not like they hit on me right off the back, at first we are cool, and eventually comes the time when they try to hit on me.

For example, I have a friend who was engaged (now married). We do work together and a group of us went out for drinks and it ended up just being us talking about projects we were interested in doing together. He starts flirting a  little and I’m like, “you’re engaged.”  He says, “Yeah, but I’m only marrying her because we’ve been together for a while and she at least deserves that but I’m still gonna do me.” I’m thinking then why are you getting married fool!

Another friend of mine is still living with his “ex-fiancee”, so he says. He wanted to start a real committed relationship with me and I’m like “NOPE!” You’re still living with your “girl.” He denies that they’re still together like that, but regardless, you’re still caught up in a situation.

These men know I ain’t no fool and I don’t play those type of games. Maybe I’m just too laid back and cool, thinking men don’t have certain type of agendas. At one point I thought is it something I"M doing? Then, I thought why am I even asking myself that question. It's stupid for me to think that being a cool person grants a man to hit on me. I had to check myself. 

However, I'm not fully available right now to be in a serious relationship because my time is dedicated and prioritized to myself, that maybe I am putting out the energy of attracting men who are not "available" as well. Maybe I'm putting out this energy. Just maybe. 

Over the past few months I’ve been hit on by at least 10 men who are caught up with someone. It makes me think, like dayum, are any men faithful? And how did I all of a sudden become a committed men magnet? I don’t want somebody else’s man! Especially, when I can damn well get my own. But, after all these unfaithful men, I’m skeptical all over again about are there really any faithful men around? Also, I don't think this male and female friendship thing works out if eventually every man tries to hit on you at some point, LOL. 

Detox

In my previous blog I talked about the new changes in my life. As Tupac Shakur stated, “The only thing that stays the same is change.” I’ve started my new job and it is scary as heck because there is no room for failure. It’s definitely intimidating and I know I will have to put a lot of my effort into it.  My best friend got married mid-May and two weeks before her wedding I had decided that after her wedding I would not drink for ~4 months or 17 weeks. I mainly decided this because I would like to lose weight and alcohol has a lot of calories. I still will go out and do my normal social outings but without alcohol. Also, I decided that I would eat healthier, not 100% of the time, but mostly during the weekdays.

When I was in LA for the first week of my new job, I was stuck in traffic listening to the radio, and Fantasia was on air. She talked about for 6 months she refrained from drinking, smoking, and people who bring her bad energy (haters, bad friendships, bad relationships, etc…). She said she wanted to focus on herself and her new upcoming album. She was not interested in dating; particularly in dating men that she normally dated or she knew it would not go anywhere. She gave herself a “detox” per se. She even symbolically married herself and bought herself a ring! She said within that time she gained a lot of clarity about all aspects of her life. And while she was going through this stage in her life she found her husband, which was unexpected for her.

I heard this when I was at the start of my 17-week journey. Hearing her talk resonated with my “detox” phase. I’m still at the beginning of it but it feels good so far to know that I’m concentrating on my health, letting go of bad relationships that make me feel confused or bad about myself, and concentrating on my career. Also, I have been talking to the Creator a lot more, some may call it praying, but I call it relationship building. Through this I also hope to address my personal insecurities, whether it is my physical (I feel fat, etc…), emotional, mental, or spiritual ones. I hope to dig out my confusions, guilts, pains, and insecurities and face them and let them go. At the end of the 17 weeks, I want to come out losing some pounds and having more strength and clarity within my life. I am looking forward to getting to know me in a better and more evolving way. Cheers!

Blue Collared or No?

I have a Native male friend who has his graduate degree and he told me that he would not date any female who was not a “professional.” I have a female friend who is a woman of color who stated when she was dating, she would not date a man if he did not at least possess a Bachelor’s degree (she got married and her husband became a lawyer). I get my friends position on finding a mate because possessing a degree enables you to automatically think: economic stability, access to more opportunities, and ambition.

 

I’ve dated jobless men, blue collared men, and professional men. I find this conversation interesting because is this mind frame of thinking indicate we are separating ourselves into a class system? Financial issues are the main cause of divorce. I go back and forth on this because I know plenty of great men who did not possess a college education, but my father has his law degree. But, if you ever met my dad, then you would not think he has his law degree because he’s a down to earth, country, and rugged manly man.

 

As a Native is it: stuck-up, boosie, superficial, elitist way of thinking to want to date/marry someone who mirrors you in your education and/or socio-economic status class? Or do my friends have a point to indicate that finances do matter and that is the smart thing to do?

Transition

I was and am terrified of change. Any type of change can be scary because you are treading on unchartered territory that your mental, physical, or emotional self are not used to. I was becoming anxious, confused, direction-less, and scared because such a huge part of my life was ending, which was being a student. I was in college for 14 years with 4 degrees behind me. Over the past few months I couldn’t imagine getting into a relationship because I didn’t know about my stability…would I move? Stay? Would I be ok financially? I was focused on my own stability, so I couldn’t think about anyone else’s, therefore, had a mentality that I do want to settle down (sooner than later) but due to my future’s uncertainty I have been hesitant.

 

Being in a transition period can be scary but exciting at the same time because it opens up new doors to new opportunities. This can be true about relationships, new job, etc…However, my brain was scattered because I do know what I want but at the same time I don’t…if that makes any sense? But, I had faith that everything will work out how it is supposed to work out.

 

I recently (yesterday) got offered an amazing opportunity to be a Post-Doc at UCLA School of Medicine doing HIV prevention combination research! I will be working at one of the top 15 medical/research schools in the nation doing global health research with top scientists in the world. This was not an easy opportunity to get selected for as my competition were among people who also had their Ph.D  or M.D. degrees and I’m sure they all had great professional/academic experience under their belt. I am in dis-belief I got selected because my competition was definitely talented.  Plus, I can still live in Las Vegas, work on small projects related to HIV, and teach a Native American Studies course at UNLV. All while I’ll still be doing my minimal work with the United Nations in NYC. This is a professional dream come true. My hard work of going to school and being broke all those years has enabled me to have this dream job to work at prestigious academic and international institutions, plus I’m still “young.” I’m so elated that a girl like me, “Rez girl”, that grew-up on the Rez, could ever be in a position like I am today. I sacrificed so much for me to be sitting here today in this capacity. I am blessed and owe all my success to my family because they also sacrificed and prayed and did whatever they could to help me. I owe them everything.

 

I have to express my successes and my joy, not because I’m bragging, but because I worked hard for it. I am passionate about my work to make contributions to the world, especially Native communities. I remember when I was a broke-broke student in undergrad at ASU and only lived off $20/week but I had a dream and goals to become a Dr. one day no matter what it took. I remember when I moved to Las Vegas for my Master’s program and I had to put a $60 gold charm on lay-away at a pawn shop because I couldn’t afford it so I put $12 down on my lay-away. Now, I know I’m ready to take on this new journey of my career path.  I am ready to see what dating in L.A. is like as well…this should be an interesting twist to my path…stay tuned ! Also, just know that you are capable of achieving your goals, but you have to believe in yourself and do the work it takes to obtain your goals! Cheers my friends!

 

Single Ladies Embrace Your "Loneliness"

I went grocery shopping and I observed couples shopping together and I saw singles shopping alone (I assume they were based on their choice of groceries, especially men, they always buy the frozen pizza/foods). I walked out into the chilly air pushing my grocery cart and I felt a sense of overwhelming loneliness. Not lonely for my family but lonely to be with a significant other. I had to check myself.

Two weeks ago my sister asked me if I wanted to go to the club. Mind you, I had been out the previous weekend all weekend with other friends from out of town. I thought, ugh, I been out way too much this past week. But, I went anyway. I went because I thought there will be a time when I won’t possess this sense of unwavering freedom. I imagine I will be in a committed relationship or married or with a kid at some sooner than later in my life. That means I have to eventually put those relationships first. That means I have to possibly wake up at 3 am to feed my child. That means I have to check with my husband/family first before I decided to go dancing in the middle of the night with my girls. That means my life will revolve around my family and not me anymore.

When I went dancing two weeks ago I decided to embrace my super single-ness by not apologizing for being out with my friends on a week night. This evening I reflected on my loneliness and I decided to embrace it. I decided I should because I can do whatever I want whenever I want at this point in my life and not have to explain myself to anyone but myself. Not too many people have that freedom in their lives, and that’s a great thing, but I do and that’s also a great thing. SO, ladies if you’re feeling the loneliness crawling out in your thoughts, then remember you’re also lucky to enjoy your life the way you want to. You’re able to spend your money on you. You’re able to spend your time the way you want to. You are able to enjoy your own company. You’re able to be as selfish as you want and not feel guilty for it. You’re able to work on yourself and concentrate on your personal, professional, and academic goals as much as you want. You’re able to meet a friend at midnight at a bar and have glasses of wine. You’re able to travel at the drop of a dime. Embrace this ladies because you may be married with a kid soon and not have this luxury you once thought was so negative. Cheers dolls! Stay beautiful.

Valentine's Day Non-Date

I had a deep thought last weekend. I thought “Can I just meet a guy who wants to commit, we have a lot in common and have his shizz together? Then, I meet a tall, 32 year old, college graduate, played college football, and has owned/ran his own successful sports marketing firm successfully for 10 years. He has his own office and has employees. We went out for drinks last night.

I am not going to lie, he annoyed me at times LOL. We both have very strong personalities because we are both successful in our own right and our personalities clashed at times, well, a lot of the time. He stated, “Are you going to fight with me all the time?” We weren’t literally fighting but debating and/or we kept challenging each other on our stated positions. I found that annoying at times but intriguing at times. At one point we were talking about the “strip club” and I had my views and he had his. I got extremely annoyed and with attitude said, “Ok, we’re done here, I’ll pay for my own drinks, and you have a good night.” I had every intention of leaving. I asked the bartender to close out our tabs separately, which he did. I put my cash down and the guy says “Ok, you’re not leaving me…we’re not going to agree on everything and I’m paying for your tab because I’m a gentleman so put your $$ away.” LOL he shut me down quick!

That was kind bold and hot at the same time.

One thing I kinda had trouble with was when he said, “I’m a man and whatever I say goes.” Then I said, “Where I come from, whatever I say goes.” We both started laughing. I can tell if we continue to talk there will probably be a bit of a “power” struggle. However, I told myself if a man can lead us in the right direction financially, commiting-ly, relationanship-ly, and respectfully, I have no problem letting him lead us. I’m tired of being the leader so I can happily sit back and enjoy the process instead of always being the stronger one or the one in a better position. I will continue to talk to this intriguing man as a friend and see what happens….