Worst Date in History!

So there was this girl and she was open-minded, beautiful, has her crap together, and a sweetheart! Since there was no reason not to try online dating, she did! She had met a like-minded brother who was interested in the same things as she was. So they talked for hours on the phone and the conversation was always so entertaining and engaging. They had decided to meet for a breakfast date and she was excited, of course (who wouldn’t be?). Her date said on the internet he was 5’7’ and she is 5’3’, so she wore her cute 3 inch wedges to meet him. As she walks into the restaurant she calls him because she does not see him and an older woman answers the phone. As she is walking through the restaurant she hears her name being called and she sees this dude. This dude turns out to be 4’11’-5 feet tall!!!!! AND he is super skinny! So she proceeds to sit down and thinking OMG he is so short And skinny! As they are talking she tells him she called him (she did not know that was his home phone but thought it was his cell phone) and he says, “Oh that was my home phone and that was my mom who answered the phone.” Yeah folks, the dude lives with his mother. She is trying to hurry and eat so she can get the fuck out of the restaurant. She notices this dude does not finish his food and her thoughts were he’s skinny and he needs to eat. As they are walking out of the restaurant, he states “I have a surprise for you.” He then guides her to walk into the Goodwill Store!  He shows her the appliances section because her DVD player ruined, but she just looks. Then he says, “Let’s hang out here for a while.” She is thinking OMG WTH am I doing here??! So, in the Goodwill he starts to do “magic tricks” and sees some puppets and starts doing “puppetry!” At this point, she is having an out-of-body experience because this is beyond a horrible date! Finally, they leave the Goodwill and he walks her to her car. As they were walking he notices a beat-up old car and asks her if that is her car, she nods “No”, and he says “Oh I was about to say.” She gets in her car quick so he does not try to kiss her and says “Have a great day!” As she was driving away she noticed through her rear view mirror that he was sprinting somewhere. So she continues to look to see where he is going and he was booking it to the bus stop! LOL And he had the nerve to ask her if that was her beat-up car when he does not even have one!

 As I heard my girl telling me this story I could not help but crack up! I was thinking this has to be the worst date I have ever heard of!!! This just happened recently and let me tell you ladies and gentleman, the dating world is freaking hard! This is one mere example of it! LOL

Heart-wrenching

Do you ever really get used to dealing with heartbreak? I mean think back to your first real gut-wrenching heartbreak and now to your most recent ones, any difference? I think about that from time to time. Although it hurts (maybe the same, maybe less, maybe more), as we get older are we better capable to deal with heartbreak? It’s the worst feeling in the world because your heart/chest area actually hurts and your energy (mind, body, soul is so consumed with it that you are incapable of doing anything else. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it except endure the pain and with time it slowly diminishes. However, it does make you re-examine your individual self from your soul to your physical being. I guess that is one of the positive outcomes. Because I remembered when I was heartbroken I tried to concentrate on my blessings instead of my situation.

For example I thought, “Everyone goes through heartbreak and everyone gets through it. There are people out there who are in way worst situations than I am and mine is ONLY heartbreak. There are people out there who have no roof over their head, some are mentally/physically disabled, some have chronic diseases and look at me, here I am feeling sorry for myself when it’s only heartbreak. I am healthy, have great family/friends, I’m attractive, educated, and lucky to have car/roof over my head. I should be the last person to be feeling as sad as I am, when in retrospect I have a lot to be thankful for.”

23. Lifetime movie dating story (yes it really happened to ME)

“Men & woman research their job, school or even their dog's breed more than they check out their dates. It stems from this romantic notion that falling in love is spoiled by being prudent and skeptical. Why should you know more about your favorite sports team than on your mate? Aren't the stakes higher?” –From a Follower who commented one of my previous blogs


I personally went through a horrendous dating situation. I met this guy and he was wonderful! So, I thought. He was tall, dark, handsome, charming, hard worker, sociable, and respectful. I seriously could have married this dude. I met him in Tucson and when I first met him I thought, “If I could get in a relationship with anyone, it would be with this dude.” So we exchanged numbers and became friends for a couple of years. We hung out a few times and it was cool, but he moved back to the east coast so we lost touch. After a couple of years he randomly called me! After that one call we were talking daily like 1 0 times a day. After a few months, we decided we would be together and he would move back to the southwest to be closer. The next two years of our relationship was amazing! I was for sure in love. Then, we moved to Las Vegas together and that’s when our relationship started tumbling downhill, FAST. We broke-up and I was heart-broken. A year after we broke-up I found out he was previously married and had 4 kids from that marriage (plus more stuff but let me tell you it was like WTH?)!!!!! Breaking up with him was a blessing in disguise, when at the time of being heart-broken I could not understand why?! This guy seriously lied to me! I was mad but after I found out I was relieved.

This just goes to show that you truly do not know people and their capabilities, especially the negative ones. The statement from above from the anonymous follower made a good point. We research things in our life that does not directly affect our physical, mental, and emotional health.


As a health professional, one of my patterns when I know I am entering a relationship is to make sure we both get STD tests and to make sure I see the results and/or go to the clinic together to get our results. I believe this is mandatory in today’s world. I do not understand why people feel so uncomfortable with these types of conversations when they are important and needed! We have to take ownership over our own health. STD’s run rampant in minority communities, especially tribal communities. I always felt comfortable doing this, but based on my experience do I now have to get a background check AND a credit check? Has it come that people are so dishonest that we have to research their lives ourselves? Or is that taking it too far? Do we ever really know what types of people we are dating??????????????????

Settling?

Settling?

My words and feelings stem from my personal thought processes/experiences, but have been stimulated by other like-minded females. What is your list? For a man to be educated, financially stable, never married, no kids, tall, fine, good credit, adaptable, dresses nice, respectable, does not cheat or lie, and adores you? Yeah-yeah ladies join the line! Ok, so what if a man lacks some of these qualities but upholds most of them? For example, I once dated a man who was cool on the basic standpoint on where he was loyal, faithful, did not lie, and was respectful but at the time did not hold a job; therefore, was not financially stable with not so good credit. Hmm..then my questions arose, what is more important? What are my deal breakers? What if I did have a dude who was educated with mad money but he cheated on me (because ladies in my opinion the percentages are higher with those credentials with proven examples!). Okay, so what if you have good man who respects you, treats you good, compatible, will not cheat, does not abuse you in anyways BUT has some financial faults. I guess it depends on the female. It depends on how you grew up and your environment. Do you leave the man that treats you good and you are compatible with who does lack some traits you seek? If you don’t leave, is that settling? OR what if you do leave and the next dude cheats/lies to you but buys you everything your heart desire? It’s a tricky position! I am speaking from my stance, from a person who only dates minority men (primarily Black or Native men), so the pool I choose from will be much smaller from my peers who are dating other races. So the question is from a single, independent, native, professional…when do you know your settling or when do you know you found a good man? Money is not everything, but finances are important! Same thing with other examples in a relationship but I am using my OWN. I know there are other variables and other deal breakers. What’s your story?????!

Daily stressors!

I continue to learn something about myself when trying to tell other people my story as to why I am the way I am and why I date the way I date. Sometimes when I speak I think “Wow, I just learned something about myself again.” I say this because as humans we are always growing and evolving each day whether we know it or not. This can be scary at times, especially being a Native female. You see, for me, growing up on the Rez, we are such humble and simple beings. Also, if you were born and raised on the Rez you know that change (internally and externally) occurs at such a SLOW rate, which is good and bad. I’m happy that we still keep our cultural traditions in tact and in that sense I’m glad that compared to other tribes we have not assimilated. We need to hold onto the core of who we are and I maintain that everyday. But, I have to vent a few daily re-occurring and past experiences. At this point of my life I feel so frustrated to the max and I just want to give a little insight of what I encounter on a day-to-day basis, which can ultimately affect my romantic relationships. Let me put a disclaimer that I am NOT complaining AT ALL and I do appreciate my accomplishments and my position in life, but it took AND still takes a lot of sacrifice, hard work, and compromising. 1. I feel in all my romantic relationships that I have been and still am the most financially stable and accomplished. I have been the main provider and the one who makes the most money out of any man I have dated. This is frustrating! I feel I have not had the opportunity to be truly provided for by a man. I am ALWAYS the one who holds it down. 2. In my work environment I experience the subtle/apparent discrimination and/or sexism on a day-to-day basis that can be mentally/emotionally draining as well. I work in a professional environment but also work in a national/international political environment. To see and experience the social injustices on a day-to-day basis can be a stressor. I feel I have a small outlet on this because there are few people who work/encounter the experiences I do. 3. This journey can be extremely lonely. I am the only grandchild who is pursuing their Ph.D and I feel at times my family does not fully understand me. I feel a lot of community/family members perceive me as “boozhy” and what not because I left the REz (to get an education and to help my people). Because I like to buy myself nice things as well they feel I am extra “boozhy”. However, if y’all knew me since childhood you can attest that I have ALWAYS been this way and my father was an educated lawyer who was able to provide me with nice things. I feel people see it as “Oh, she left the REZ and she act like such and such because she’s living a good life”. I left the REZ to get an education but still whole heartedly am doing/trying to help my family, community, tribal nations in every capacity to uplift us so yes I get angry at us too! I feel I am fighting enough alone but now I have to deal with negative perceptions/thoughts/words from my own people as well? Get tha fuck outta here with that BS. 4. Being one of the few Native Americans to be involved in the work I do with mainstream America, I feel I am always explaining myself as what it is to be me; a native and a female. This gets tiring too! Needless to say on a day-to-day basis my life can be tiring. To ALWAYS be strong! To always be alone without family around! To always be judged! To always fight to be you regardless if your conflicts stems from mainstream America or tribal situations. I feel as a Native female I fight day in and day out to be strong..because I am. But, to be strong and people to perceive you as that takes a financial, emotional, physical, and mental toll on you because you can only take so much from each facet of your life on a day to day basis. This is real. Again, I am not complaining at all. I feel I have paid the cost to be the boss and no one has room to judge me, especially my own family/community. I have worked my ass off, been broke as a mother fucka to get through college, spent countless hours in the library, and put up with a lot of external bullshit to be in the position I am blessed to be in. SO I feel I am mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually stronger than 90% of the population I encounter due to many experiences I have been through (I left out a whole lot but the ones I mentioned are more surface experiences and not in-depth). When this comes to my relationships and men, hell yeah I expect and need a lot for you to satisfy me, because when I am holding it down from a basic human encounters to an international level, I need someone to supplement my weaknesses when I do no feel strong. Where is my outlet? Why do we always have to be strong 24/7 with no break? Yes, I am TIRED, TIRED, and TIRED!

Domestic Violence

I recently had a meeting with the Department of Justice on Violence Against Indian Women, which prompted my thought process of this sensitive topic. Domestic violence is extremely high in our tribal communities. When I speak to other my non-Native friends, a lot of them have not witnessed domestic violence growing up. I am speaking about domestic violence between; males beating females, females beating males, men beating men (gay), and women beating women (lesbian) couples. When many people think of domestic violence, they think of men beating women and it stops there. I have witnessed domestic violence growing up and it took a toll on my life…even until now. How do we learn to heal instead of internalizing our hurt and recycling it among our partners? This is NOT okay even though it’s common in our communities. It seems as if our people think well it happens so nothing we can do about it and we use it as an excuse to accept it. I had to take a step back at myself and think about my angry outbursts upon my relationships and I know I did so many things wrong in those angry episodes. Now, I have to grow up and think this is NOT what adults do. I am a grown individual..so why do I act crazy sometimes?! I know my environment definitely molded my characteristics but I needed to step in and say that is not an excuse as to why I did/do certain things. At what point does ownership of our own feelings, experiences, emotions, and traits invade our soul to change? This topic is so sensitive to talk about but this conversation is needed. I have been involved in a physical abusive relationship before. It was not a good thing. I’ve been hit and I have hit back. Thank goodness I am no longer in one. Was this hard for me to say? Of course it was. No one needs to experience “love” in this form, whether if it is how you give love or receive it. Imagine being in a normal, healthy, and loving relationship with no verbal or physical abuse; whether you’re the abuser or the abused. Imagine you healed over the wrong doings you experienced or perpetrated among somebody else. Forgiveness; forgiveness towards yourself and your past is key. Forgive.

Females to be trusted around your man?

After a long stimulating conversation with a colleague (pretty much my entire afternoon) and personal experiences throughout my extensive dating life: SHADY ASS FEMALES WHO WILL HOOK-UP with your man behind your back no matter if that is your best friend, friend, acquaintance, or relative. I would like to believe most of my circle of people I surround myself by would have enough respect to not do this. However, looking back on my past relationships and experiences I can say that this is not true. I’ve had more than a handful experiences that I KNOW about (I don’t even want to think about the ones I am clueless about) when dealing with NATIVE females who are shady as hell.
Experience #1. I was dating Guy Z for about 7 years at the time. Everyone knew we were dating. I had this Friend X who I became close with and she became to know of my relationship drama. Me and Friend X would hang out, go to clubs together, and just became closer as I began to spend more time with her. Although she was not at close friend status, she was definitely someone I considered a cool friend to kick it with. There was a moment that me and Guy Z got into it and broke-up for a little while. There happened to be a gathering that myself, Guy Z (we were not talking at the time), and Friend X were all at the same place. Before me going into that establishment Guy Z and Friend X were kissing. I had no idea and walked into the establishment and did not see Guy Z but saw Friend X and greeted her normally because I did not know what happened between them. I left the establishment and some other friends of mine pulled me aside and asked “Do you know that girl (Friend X)?” I said “Yeah, that’s my girl.” Then, they asked me in a concerned manner “Like, your girl – girl?” I said “Yeah, , why?” “They said well your girl was all up on your man hugging and kissing him before you came.” Needless to say I was pissed off like a motha fucka..what a shady ass female! I didn’t see her and later that week I got a phone call from her and she said in a normal tone “Hey, s’up, howcome you haven’t called me?” I said “What do you mean why? You shady and I don’t deal with desperate ass bitches like you and if I see you on tha street you better run the other way because you were wrong and disrespectful.” Don’t get me wrong I was mad at him too and I dealt with that in my own way but the story is not about shady ass ex-boyfriends because right now it’s about shady ass females who do not know their boundaries.
Experience #2. I was talking to a Guy B and we were on the beginning of our dating journey. Basically, we were barely getting to know each other and liked each other a lot but not officially together. So, I had a group of Native people who were coming to town, which was: Cousin A, Friend B, Acquaintance C, and Girl D (who was Acquaintance C’s sister). I did not know Girl D who was a Native female and was about 37 years old. Guy B and I joined them at a restaurant and Girl D started to get a little tipsy and she started to flirt with him. At first, I laughed about it because I thought it was funny. Then, she started to get more flirtatious with Guy B as she drank more. She clearly saw me and Guy B holding hands and it was evident we were together. Eventually we left the restaurant and went to a bar/lounge atmosphere. Me and Guy B were sitting together and Girl D was talking about sex as she kept looking at him. At this point I started to get pissed, but Cousin A and Friend B told me to not get mad because she’s drunk. As me and Guy B were sitting there holding hands she got up, grabbed his hand to make him stand up, and tried to make him dance with her. He looked at me like WTF and politely stepped away from her and sat down by me. To end the night, Guy B and I dropped all of them back off at their hotel and (I didn’t see it) but Girl D tried to kiss my Guy B but he pushed her away. I was in the vicinity but she had the balls to really go there with him right near me? Guy B told me that as we drove away because he knew I would get pissed. Of course I saw Girl D the next day and checked the bitch while she was sober and needless to say she left and I never saw her again all weekend and even to this day.
My complex is why do females do that each other? My girl code is strict, meaning if you like a guy I automatically discard him and would never think of going there with him because you like him (whether he likes you back or not). I’ve had other random experiences with this situation but these are two primary examples of how an individual is quick to stab a Native sister behind her back to get hers. Where’s the respect? I figure these girls have such a lack of respect for themselves and others that they are desperate ass hoes! In reality…are most females like this? Who can you trust? My BFF told me one time, “I don’t trust any females, only you, and you are the only female in the world I can trust with my man’s number.” I may not be perfect but I know what basic respect and loyalty is as a female. Plus, I do not want your sloppy seconds because I can find my own man and don’t need to borrow yours. Shady females need to check themselves! Ladies, what do you think?

Tug-of-War

I continue to learn something about myself when trying to tell other people my story as to why I am the way I am and why I date the way I date. Sometimes when I speak I think “Wow, I just learned something about myself again.” I say this because as humans we are always growing and evolving each day whether we know it or not. This can be scary at times, especially being a Native female. You see, for me, growing up on the Rez, we are such humble and simple beings. Also, if you were born and raised on the Rez you know that change (internally and externally) occurs at such a SLOW rate, which is good and bad. I’m happy that we still keep our cultural traditions in tact and in that sense I’m glad that compared to other tribes we have not assimilated. We need to hold onto the core of who we are and I maintain that everyday. However, in terms of dating, career, and other things some tribal members may think us “young” ones may be too progressive as they would like. For example, for me I get confused many times because the heart of me is this little Rez girl who grew-up to be a young, professional female that currently lives in urban mainstream America. These two beings are always at odds with each other like a tug-of-war. This plays into my relationships because I struggle with wanting the most basic gifts in a relationship to having a list. On the Rez many men are unfaithful, abusive, unemployed, have lots of kids, and disrespectful. So, for myself, in the most simplest and humblest form I would like a man to be: faithful, respectful, honest, and love me for ME. However, this often conflicts with other things that are important as being educated, no kids, good income, tall, etc…which translates to more superficial things. I am in constant confusion because on one hand I want the most basic simple form of love then on the other I want the superficial crap too. Maybe I answered my own question because I would rather have a broke-ass dude who treated me great and that whole heartedly loves me than a dude who was financially stable who treated me like shit. Dealbreakers!

Deal-breakers

Deal-breakers

I know all us girls, Native or not, do have a list when it comes to finding a mate. However, have we thought about deal-breakers? For example, I went to Washington DC recently and caught-up on life stories among my wonderful, vibrant, ambitious African-American (Black) girlfriends. One is a lawyer and lives/works in DC area and the other is working on her Ph.D in Public Health and is a part-time instructor at her respective university (same as me) in Texas. All 3 of us do not have kids and are not married. So, we started having our usual conversation about MEN, specifically about deal-breakers.

Friend 1 stated that her mother worked like 5 jobs to keep her family housed and fed, while her father did not contribute. Therefore, her stance was that she would not care or it would not be a deal-breaker if her “husband” cheated on her (as long as he wore protection) but was financially stable and did not let his extra curricular activities with other females interfere with the money he was bringing home to her. She said because her mother slaved to take care of her home.

Friend 2 stated her father was financially stable but cheated on her mom all the time. Her stance was that she was fine with a man who made way less than her as long as he worked everyday AND did not cheat on her.

I stated that my father was financially stable and was not the most faithful man on the planet as well. Also, domestic violence where I come from is an epidemic. Therefore, I stated that I would marry a man who made way less than me in terms of income but he does need to be employed. Also, I would not deal with him cheating and being abused in any capacity because of how I grew-up.
This made me realize that everybody grew-up very different and each of us have deal-breakers and I got confused all over again. What’s your deal-breaker?