Hesitation

Hesitating:

I am sitting here and a guy that I do really care about has been telling me that he truly loves me. I sit here for the past 4 years telling him “hahaha”, “please get that fuck outta here”, “maybe you should love someone else”, “do this and do that”, “you do NOT really love me because you are TRIPPIN”, etc…. I have always told this person among others that: I am not the marrying type, I do not want to get married, marriage is BS, I am not a KID person, etc. However, do not get it twisted, this dude has NOT been my boyfriend for the past 4 years, but has been someone who has cared about me. I have TRIPPED out on him sooooo many times, like other men in my life. But, I started to think about my past. For some reason, it is hard for ME to believe that a guy can put up with ALL your BS, truly care about you, and say you know what I will put up with all her BS…step up to the plate, love her AND will never/ever CHEAT on her. Do I push men away because I am skeptical that love TRULY exists and can happen to me? Probably. What has brought me to this point among other women?! Jaded?! YEA!!! I need to sit down and do some soul searching. When it’s starring at us right in our face…..why do we make every excuse and do not seem ready…even when you should be/feel it/or are ready?......Bottom line: Why do we not feel we are ready for it? Ugh…what a self-searching thought and can be disturbing!