Coming or Going

I have a story I heard. So what are important “boundaries” in a relationship? How do you decide them, implement them, and if your partner crosses it, how do you address it? Based on this story, the boyfriend does not have a job and the girlfriend has been paying 100% of the bills. Tension has built up from financial stressors and lack of financial distribution from the boyfriend. It has been 2+ years since the girlfriend has been paying for everything. The boyfriend contributes in other areas but there is still tension. Arguments result from this situation. The girlfriend is always annoyed and frustrated and feels like she has tried to communicate in everyway that her boyfriend needs a JOB. She feels like he should be on the grind to get a job or go back to school to do something productive with his life. He feels like she “nags” him all the time and she tries to “control” him by her telling him what to do and how to do it. He gets defensive when she tries to talk to him about finding a job and shuts down and she feels she can’t get through to him. He feels if she stops being a “bitch” then he’ll feel he will want to do more for her but she feels she can’t stop being a “bitch” because she is frustrated that he has not gotten a job. This has been a daily struggle for these two and nothing seems to be working except avoiding each other so they don’t argue. So in a week: 1. The boyfriend does not come back all night on Saturday (does not call to let her know he is staying at his boys because he is too drunk). 2. So he comes back Sunday at 9 am and the girlfriend “kicks” him out with his clothes outside and will not let him in the house and tells him to leave. He leaves as she wishes and does not come back or call the rest of Sunday but the girlfriend is okay with that because she needed time to cool down. 3. Monday am he comes back. Later, she leaves Monday evening to watch Monday night football and she comes back at 1 am. He does not want to go with her to watch the game. When she gets back he is not there and he is at his cousins house because she calls him. She tells him it’s 1 am so you mind as well stay there the rest of the night because she’s frustrated. 4. Tuesday she asks her boyfriend to do something together that evening. He says I am going over to my friends house later and she gets upset because she feels, AGAIN and that he doesn’t care. (But he never goes to his friends house) 5. Wednesday she gets off work and calls him. He’s at his friends house and he tells her he will be back before 11 pm. She calls him and she starts telling him he’s behavior is inappropriate and intolerable. She talks about “boundaries” with him. He tells her she’s trippin’ out and he’s not coming back by 11 pm because she’s trippin. She tells him not to come back and to move out of the house on Thursday. 6. Thursday comes and he tells her he will leave the house later that afternoon. She comes back and he is still there but she gets her house key back. She leaves to watch Thursday night football and he tells her he will leave but when she gets back that night he is still there. She needs space from him and she is frustrated he did not leave. Thursday and Friday night he stays there. They are cordial to each other. 7. Saturday comes and she has things to do so she leaves. They talk a little during the day and early evening and he tells her he will call her back. He never calls her and she never calls him because she want so see if her will call her and come back to the house at a decent hour. He does not come back until Sunday at 5 am. She’s done at this point! (She feels like he does not care, has no respect for her or the relationship based upon his actions, especially when she pays for everything) I had another talk with a friend last week as well. She’s married and she told me about her and her husband’s relationship. But the consistent theme throughout all my conversations this week is about “boundaries”; what is unacceptable in a relationship. How do couples communicate and decide together what is unacceptable? One of my friends says sometimes she will write on a chalkboard what her husband needs to do in terms of doing “chores around the house” instead of texting/stating it to him and that works. She said when they got married that distribution of household chores made them argue a lot and they had to find a way to communicate on those issues. I guess relationships are hard at times, everyone I speak to says so. I am no relationship guru but I just write about daily struggles about them.