Quick reflection

I love the saying that states “People may only be in your life for a season but they were there for a reason.” As I reflect into my relationships from 2015, some of them have to remain there, in 2015. This past year has been a tremendous year for me, as I have literally became Dr. Lee! I went to college for 14 years and earned 3 degrees prior to reach that title. I am very proud of my accomplishment(s) this past year and through it, there is a natural evolution that occurs. Some of your personal evolution can result in the sense that you also evolve out of certain relationships, and that is ok. I lost some friendships and/or relationships, but I’ve also gained new friendships and looking forward to starting a potential relationship. I definitely feel bad that certain people no longer serve a purpose in my life. But, that’s a part of this life game, I suppose. This new year I am looking forward to starting my journey as Dr. Lee, which involves working on the projects I want to work on, writing a business plan, and writing a book! There’s so much to look forward to in this world so let’s not get caught up in the coulda, woulda, shoulda in relationships, as you have many more fruitful relationships to look forward to! Again, some people were not meant to be in your life journey for the long haul, but you can appreciate the time they were there in the capacity you needed them to be there. With that being said my friends, I wish you the happiest NEW YEAR and I look forward to sharing my many more blogs with you in 2016. Cheers.

Letting go...

I was sitting alone broken-hearted. There was loud silence that filled the outside physical space as I starred at the walls in my apartment. I felt numb as tears rolled down my eyes. I felt helpless. So helpless that I felt I couldn’t control this empty-empty space I felt so deep that I felt it consumed my soul at that time. He was gone and he took my heart with him. I searched for answers but there were nowhere to be found. I searched for warmth but it was nowhere to be found. I sat in my apartment crying all alone with no family or friends in 200 mile vicinity to try to comfort me or to talk to. I was literally alone. All I could do was peel myself off the floor, get some cedar, smudge, and pray from the bottom of my soul as I cried. That’s the only way I knew how to deal with such pain my heart felt…was to pray.

That moment I described to you was a time years ago when I was going through my worst break-up I’ve ever had experienced thus far. You see, I was broken. I didn’t know how I would make it through that one, but years later, I reflect back, and I did. I couldn’t see through the clouds at the time…I just tried to make it minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day at a time. They say when you experience a break-up, it’s similar to mourning a loss, because you experience all the stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

This past Sunday, I was getting ready for NFL football, and I happened to switch it to the channel of Joel Osteen’s sermon. I never watch sermons or I never went to church. But the first few words of his speech caught my attention. He was talking about “dark places.” He said there are certain things you can only learn in the dark places. He said when he was experiencing his dark place, he never prayed so hard, in his life. He said those dark places are blessings, because they make you strong, you build character, therefore, they’re teachings. It is within those dark places that you practice your spiritual muscles in a deeper way. And those dark places make you who you are created to be. Also, he said if you feel you have lost something or someone, there is something new and better coming into your life to replace what you lost.

I reflect back to my hardest break-up and connect it to his (Joel Osteen) words. Through that dark experience, I learned a lot. Words can’t describe my teachings because there were so many. It did make me stronger. I bring all this up now to say I’m letting a certain individual go out of my life that I have let consume my energy for far too long. Although this division is not as intense as the break-up I first described, letting go of someone can still hurt. I posted this quote on FB earlier today, which stated, “The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.”

Everything we experience does not happen on accident. Whether good or bad, it is purposeful to lead you on your life path you are supposed to be on. I need to learn how to let-go of people who serve me no positive energy, maybe this is my teaching for the time being. If you’re going through a similar situation, remember it is all for the better. And while you may be hurting, it is preparing for something bigger and better.

This or that

First, I would like to apologize for not writing any blogs in a while. Between working, traveling, working on my dissertation, and having ME time, it seems like time runs away from me. I feel like I have not had any time to date either, or I am not even paying attention to potential suitors like that because I have way too much going on to even go there. However, of course, there's always that one person I need to get away from, but he always finds his way back into my space. Whether it is my mental space, emotional space, or physical space. But the thing is I LET him back in those spaces. I know this person is not serious about pursuing anything serious with me, because we have been down that broken road before. But, I keep having some expectations he'll confess his undying love for me and wants for us to truly work on things, but no, he doesn't. And I feel disappointed all over again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know better. I'm even tired of myself to be going through this merry-go-round of a situation that I know I don't deserve. Today, I posted a quote on FB saying "A man will only put in work for a woman he really wants." I came to the conclusion he doesn't want me. I am done playing these stupid mind games with ultimately myself, and on the latter note, with him. I feel like banging my head against the wall and saying "Stop being stupid-stupid-stupid-stupid!!"


THEN, while there's that guy who won't commit, there's one guy who has showed me he wants to commit. But, I invested more of my energy in someone who doesn't want to commit versus a guy who does? That doesn't sound right. Ladies, why do we do these things? The guy lives out of town and faithfully texts me daily, multiple times a day, or calls, and tells me things like: I'm proud of you, I support you, I think you're a great woman, You're beautiful (inside & out), I'm thinking about you, I like you a lot, etc...I saw this guy in person a couple of times and he's even more complimentary in person and those times, I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't know if I wasn't used to it or what, but I thought this guy can't be like this ALL the time. Well, months later, he is. He's never let up...not one day. If he has, it's only because I pushed him away a bit. Ladies, I clearly have a problem here. On one hand, there is a man who wants nothing further with me. On the other hand, I have a man who would probably want everything with me.

Hard to find an “Independent” Native Woman (Challenges of dating Native women, Part 4)

It was stated from a Native male that it is a challenge to find an “INDEPENDENT” Native woman. In my mind I’m thinking there are LOTS of us, as I biasedly thought of myself and all my Native female friends who are fierce. Then, I thought of the saying, you are your circle, so most of my friends are pretty, educated, have no kids, not married, and independent. I guess MY normal is not the norm outside of my circle. It got me thinking if there is really a shortage of us types of Native women out there?

 

This Native brother elaborated more and stated, “Native females tend to lean on their family for support and that I hardly see a Native woman who lives alone, away from family, and that deals with complex issues, such as family finances… they are linked up to their family, I have seen a lot of females try to be independent, but they can’t go against their parents or live freely without having to report back to their mom/dad. ”

–Navajo brother

 

Hmm…this Native male is stating plenty of Native women are extra dependent on their family for finances and emotional/physical support. I’m thinking that he is also saying it’s hard to date us because we constantly seek family approval or support on everything and that can cause disturbances in relationships/dating. I can understand that if we’re constantly including family opinions/thoughts into the relationship or our lives, then it’s hard to maintain a healthy relationship or a healthy sense of independence.

 He also stated, “There seems to be obstacles that hinder her forward mobility.  However, these obstacles are usually due to the Native female putting herself in predicaments all the time; you notice I didn’t mention anything about kids?? –Same Navajo brother

 Native women, what do you think he means that we put ourselves in predicaments a lot? Do we make poor choices that hinder our forward movement; bad relationships, too many baby daddy’s, ratchet-ness, etc…? Or are we our own worst enemies and we have; low self-esteem, low self-respect, low self-faith that we destroy ourselves before anyone else can?

He also stated, “I encourage women then again I have no pity, but seems like native women need encouragement. It is great if they overcome their predicaments that they face, however, they allow that situation from the past follow them into the future. These past experiences hinder a women’s ability to function without that reminder of a scar in order to become stable, become the person you want to be.”

 This statement says a LOT! He’s absolutely right that many of us women carry our past into our future. We carry negative thoughts/feelings into our future, which automatically makes our romantic partnerships unhealthy. We shouldn’t make our partner suffer because of someone else’s mistake. I must admit I have did this many times and it was the WRONG thing to do on my part. However, this Navajo brother is also talking about our past holding us back from being successful and independent.

 He also stated, “It’s how I view most native women trying to become successful, I see the struggle, always down to help out when they need me, but when they come up, they act like they never been there before.” –Same Navajo brother

 Ladies, do we act stuck-up, too good, boosie, “somehow” when we come up? I know we all paid our dues to become successful, but it’s good we check our attitudes sometimes, or apparently we should a lot according to the Native men and their observations and comments. I asked this Native brother, so what can we do on our part, and he stated:

 “I don’t think there is anything a female can do, she has to be herself, represent her family and morals in the upmost respectful manner, to respect her body, and to protect her path in life without having someone cloud or be forced to follow another person’s path.”

 

 

Indian Country is too small (NATIVE MALE PERSPECTIVE: Challenges of dating Native women. Part 3)

I’m onto my 3^rd piece of why it is challenging for Native men to date us Native women. A 3^rd theme is why Native women tend to fall for Non-Natives? A Native brother wrote “There are good/nice native men out there with a job, educated, and still no kids. How we are perceived by native women.” I know there are Native men out there who are employed, educated, and no kids, but my question is WHERE? I know Native men ask the same thing about us women too.

My assumption is we’re all out there, but could it be another issue the same person pointed out, “Everyone knows everyone, even being related. Indian Country is a small world.” To add on even more challenges, everyone knows someone in Indian Country, directly or indirectly. If you don’t know that person directly, you usually have a cousin’s boyfriend’s who knows that guy you’re dating cousin. Or your mom knows his cousin’s wife’s daughter. Us Natives like to measure up a few things about that person and assess:

1. This step is MANDATORY, especially in my tribe. I can’t speak for all ~562 federally recognized tribes, but if you’re dating within your tribe, in my case, Navajo, then you have to get that person you’re interested in CLANS. In my tribe, clans are a cultural way we identify our kinship with each other. We each have four clans: 1^st maternal mother clan, 2^nd paternal father clan, 3^rd maternal grandfather clan, 4^th paternal grandfather clan. If we have the same clans, then we could be closely related, or distant related, but dependent on how our relation is determined, that is how we start to greet the other. For example, if you have both the same first clans, then you’re closely related, and cannot date, PERIOD! If you have more distant clan relations, then it’s a possibility you can date. This first step has halted many Navajo people to move forward into a romantic partnership with each other, because they are essentially closely related. This is a huge challenge dating within our tribe.
    
2. The second step poses additional assessment. Your family will ask all these questions: What family does he/she come from? Does that person come from a good/bad family? Are his/her family alcoholics? Have a lot of family issues? Do they practice what type religion/faith in comparison with your family’s religion/faith? Does one person of that person’s family particularly “stick-out” in a positive/negative way? If so, what?
   Mind you, when these assessments occur, there may be a lot of questions asked and a lot of follow-up that occurs between your family and you. For example, your family will “get” more information on this person to ensure facts are right. Then, sometimes this involves another demon called “gossip.” Now, you go through all this between you and your family to deem this person as “datable” or “not-datable.” You see in Indian Country, family approval is usually necessary due to close family ties/relationship, and it’s hard to truly move forward with a person if your family doesn’t approve. Now, this is just a preliminary check.
    
3. In my own perception, I feel it is necessary to assess that person’s spirituality/faith. Usually, Natives are either “Christian” or they practice their cultural/spiritual faith. (**DISCLAIMER**I’m not saying this is so cut and dry, but majority of people fall into one or the other category, while you have some who practice other types of faith/spirituality or nothing at all.) In my perception, I find that if a Native is “Christian” and the other practices their own tribe’s cultural/spiritual practices, they are not compatible, because it clashes with each other one way or another.
    
   So, let me pull you back into the 3^rd theme of Native women dating non-Native men. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong either way, because each individual has the right to date who they want, but due to some of the factors I stated, these are some of the reasons why Natives date inter-racially. Also, this is a challenge for Native men to date Native women, because it seems that most of the inter-racial relationships occur among Native women. I observed that if there is an inter-racial relationship, it is usually the Native women (not men) who date outside their tribe and/or race. Therefore, I could see the challenges from a Native male context.
    
   To bring up even deeper challenges, a Navajo brother stated, “ [Native women} The ones who preach about culture, tradition, ways etc… but end up with non-Natives.” This statement addresses this brother’s challenge on when Native women who practice their tribe’s culture/spirituality date non-Native men. That is a real interesting statement because it is true. I am just that. I am a Navajo woman who practices my Navajo culture/spirituality, but yet, have been in serious relationships with non-Native men. This is a loaded statement and there’s a lot to write about this subject matter, which I will address on a separate blog about this sole subject alone. But, I’d like to hear what you Native women who practice your tribe’s culture/faith but date non-Native men. What do you feel about this statement? Or in general about why you chose or choose to date non-Native men?
   
    
    
    

Native Women are Bitchy! (NATIVE MALE PERSPECTIVE: Challenges of dating Native women. Part 2)

This blog continues to open-up a dialogue about a recent question I posed on FB geared towards Native men and asked the question: Native men, what are some of the CHALLENGES & TURN-OFFS about dating Native women???!!!

 Part 1 of this blog referred to how Native men are concerned about Native women and alcohol consumption (partying, drinking too much, and acting a fool when drinking). What did you think about that my Native women? How did that make you feel/think/react? For me, it was an eye-opener! As a matter of fact, numerous comments the men made were definitely eye-openers for me. They were eye-openers because some of it was hard to swallow because I know it is TRUE, at least from my point of view and my personal experiences as being a Native woman…and some of it was not true from my own lens because I did not have the same personal experiences.

 Another major theme that was talked about was…now I do not know how to put this delicately ladies, but, in a nutshell, some men state among first interactions with us, we come off as plain “Bitchy.” Yup, JUST acting like a bitch! LOL I laughed at this because I know this is definitely true. Now, they did not say we ARE bitches, they said we ACT like it….there is a difference now, so do not get too upset with this statement. As a strong Native woman, I would be the first to react, but I did not, let me explain why.

 I know you ALL know that on-going joke we have about tribal employees, especially the women. We joke about the lack of customer service skills, which in laymen’s terms mean: they are not nice, they are rude, they are stand-offish, and they are unwilling to help. Now, this could reflect of what was previously stated about our approachability. We have all had these complaints; I know I have experienced this multiple times in multiple tribal offices. (**DISCLAIMER** Not every person who works in tribal offices and not every women who works in tribal offices acts like this!! There are plenty of nice ones who I have also encountered and worked with.)

 On the same note, a Navajo brother said “Native women are for the most part defensive when I meet them...I mean there is a difference between being strong-headed and being bossy and rude you know…just bitchy.” Just think about that statement! He said there is a difference between being strong-headed and being rude. That is very true. Ladies, we are not approachable and we somehow illuminate rudeness, some of us at least. Why?

 I remember when I was in elementary school at Ganado and my dad pulled me out of a class because my teacher was a Navajo woman who did not say to her class “Good morning” every morning. He transferred me into a classroom with a biliganaa’ (White) teacher who stated “Good morning” to us every morning. He said he did that because the Navajo woman did not have any social skills and did not teach it. He said the biliganaa’ woman had social skills and taught us. Therefore, he said I wanted you to learn good social skills.

 I feel now I have pretty good social skills. I can ignite conversations with anyone. I am not shy. I feel I am very approachable. So, when I see Natives here in Las Vegas, I make it a point to go out and greet them because that’s the cordial thing to do, especially if they are visiting the city I live in. About 60% of the time, the women are stand-offish, stuck-up, and rude. I always wondered why myself? And, I am not a man trying to hit on them! Imagine, if they are stand-offish towards me, imagine how they are towards men. Well, I guess they could be nicer, because some women are just plain catty.  

 Anyways, I think back to what my dad said. Maybe they were not taught good social skills? Maybe they do not know how to interact with people on a comfortable basis? So, is that why they come off as rude, stuck-up, or whatever?

 Another Navajo brother said, “Some women have no respect. I think the ones that look beautiful and extravagant, they are rude, the ones that are humble don’t always wear make-up...so to choose beautiful women over respectable women....” He meant that some Native women show little respect for everything. Then, he continued to say, “Like to respect everything and anything around them, like their grandpas and grandmas taught them, the young ones now days are not so kind. So, for me, I feel like Im in between the generation gap, the up and coming, and the past…most of my friends are 30-40, so the age I would be hating on are those 20-25.”

 I think it is fair to say that pretty women are not always going to be as humble as the less pretty women. It is the way of the societal grooming environments. But, the Navajo brother made another valid point. He said that the younger generation may be worse at being respectable to themselves and others! I’m in my 30’s and I have minimal interaction with Native women in their 20’s, except my family, who of course do not act crazy towards me because they are family. But, the Native brother notices a difference between women in their 30’s and in their 20’s. I guess this could bring up a whole other discussion.

 In conclusion, can us Native women be nice and cordial to people? Is that not what we were taught from our elders, culture, and community? We always talk about the word Ke’ (relationship/kinship to the people around us in a positive way) as part of our cultural practices, but yet, we do not practice it with each other or with other people? Nobody on the planet is too good to treat anyone with rudeness. Even if a Native male approaches us and we are not interested, you can still be polite about it. We should all practice Ke’.  

 

 

 

NATIVE MALE PERSPECTIVE: Challenges of dating Native women. Part 1

I posed a question on FB geared towards Native men and asked the question:

Native men, what are some of the CHALLENGES & TURN-OFFS about dating Native women???!!!

 There were multiple themes of challenges stated and I am not going to write it all in one blog piece. Therefore, there will be a few blogs on this topic. However, to start one of the MAIN themes I heard from this is Native women “party too much” and “drinks too much.” As one Navajo guy put it:

 “Kick the bottle... alcohol fucking up that divine native DNA... ... Fuck alcohol that shit isn't made for our DNA... Wild Cards=reckless, wacky, unpredictable... I'm still around friends that drink, I used to sip deep in the cutt... But, I'm too loc'd for the Devils piss... Natives drinking, straight genocide... Sucks, for the beer connoisseurs who are native... But the FIRE was made to kill us or keep us comfortable... I can only imagine how much more can be done for our people if natives kicked the bottle... Especially the high-powered G'z & Baddies... I got love for the them but to be in RELATIONSHIP is another story... #upgradedaily #upwardmobility… –Navajo brother

 He also stated:

“The flipside: I love dark beer like I love coffee & tea... But it stopped working for me... That urban decay put my DNA in a knot & didn't see it coming... All in due time tho... But native women: "the most beautiful thing in this world, is just like that...” –Same Navajo brother

 We Native women ALWAYS talk about our issues with Native men, particularly with alcoholism, but we hardly look at ourselves in this picture. It’s apparent that Native men are concerned with Native women and alcohol as well!!!!!! We partake in this issue as Native women. One of the Native men stated that it’s an issue of how we perceive Native men, such as stereotypes that we often have of them. This is true, I believe Native women do have stereotypes of our men, but we forget to look at ourselves within these stereotypes or how we may enable them. This is enlightening because who would have thought that alcohol would have also been a challenge for NATIVE MEN to date NATIVE WOMEN?

 The Navajo brother who responded with his distaste of alcohol also stated that it makes Native women wildcards, it makes us reckless, wacky, and unpredictable. Have you ever been to a Native bar or Native event and you see the Native couples arguing, especially when alcohol is involved? It’s very common. Maybe too common that we laugh and joke about a lot, or even call it “Rez Love.” He stated that alcohol isn’t made for our DNA. I assume he meant that we can’t handle it on certain levels or on any level. If you think about your relationships within your romantic relationships, family, and community…how often has alcohol negatively affected those relationships? I suppose it makes you think. I consume alcohol and I have gotten to analyze the negative effects it has played in my relationships. I’m not perfect, but I would like to think I have learned from my mistakes and am determined not to make the same ones again. Our Native men have valid points. We should hear them out as well, especially if we want to produce more healthy relationships within our communities. Well, stay tuned as I write more about this topic because Native men apparently have multiple challenges when it comes to dating us, LMBO.

 

 

 

 

Native male stereotypes

I was told by a friend NOT to date Native men. I asked her “Why?” She stated this: “Insecurities! Cycles of domestic violence and alcoholism! Geez need I say more... Haha! Mamas boys in a negative fashion! Liars and cheaters! Not all but some! Most native men have created this reputation for themselves but there is that few that live a great life and will treat u good....”

 I have seen my fair share of some of these stereotypes, especially alcoholism and domestic violence. Statistically speaking, Native women suffer the most from intimate partner violence out of any other women in the U.S. There is a town near the Navajo reservation called Gallup, NM and that town has the highest rate of alcoholism per capita in the U.S. Therefore, statistically speaking these numbers may have proved that some of these stereotypes are true. But, I also have known Native men who do not drink or abuse their women. But how many are alcoholics and contribute to high rates of intimate partner violence versus those who do not? Or, how about those men who drink, not essentially a lot, but cannot handle their alcohol and start acting a fool? They want to fight everyone and alcohol does not fit well with them…I have seen lots Native men like that!! That is a turn-off.

 But, I feel that I am not one to speak on this because I have not seriously dated Native men in my adult years. But, I have lots Native male relatives and friends and I would say, from what I personally know, most of them are not alcoholics or abuse their women. Although, I do know of some who are and some who have.

 However, I do know a lot of Native men who do cheat and lie! I live in Las Vegas and see many of whom are in relationships that come here and straight up lie and cheat, especially during large Native events (i.e. Indian National Finals Rodeo, National Finals Rodeo, RES Conference). However, do you feel most men have cheated or lied, regardless of race/ethnicity? I have experienced and heard of many cheating episodes in my lifetime that involve Native men.

 Maybe that is why I sub consciously chose to fray away from dating Native men for a while. In addition to that, I could not find one that I was heavily attracted to. I have been thinking about this a lot because I had a conversation with my mom and she said, “I got scared. There is someone we know who’s daughter is half Navajo/half Black and she married a Black man. So their child will only be ¼ Navajo. What if you marry someone of a different race? My grandchild will be ½ Navajo, then they marry a non-Native, then my great grandchild will only be ¼ Navajo, and so on. And that really scared me. “ I agreed with her and I said “It scares me too.” I think maybe that’s why I haven’t had children yet, because I think about things like this all the time. Do I go back to dating Native men because there are important traits, such as blood quantum, culture, etc..that I need to keep intact? Do I put some of the stereotypical concerns aside? It can be confusing, stressful, and concerning. I don’t want to be with a Native man that has so much stereotypical baggage, plus I want him to be tall, good looking, traditional, hard-worker, educated, fit into all parts of my world(s), and doesn’t have lots of kids. That kind of sounds like a unicorn. I think I’m just somehow right now.

Native Imposition

It’s been a while since I “talked” to someone of my own race/ethnic background. At the time, I found it refreshing and enlightening…and sooooo comfortable. So comfortable in a sense like, you’re at home comfortable. Comfortable in the context that you don’t have to explain anything to the person because you already know, no explanations on: Being Native, Rez life, culture, spirituality, ceremonies, pow-wow,  frybread, and my list goes on, but you get the point. There was a certain space in my mind that thought this makes sense because for a split second things just seemed “easy.” I thought, “How come it took me a long time to think about dating Native men again?”

THEN…*sigh* things were not so simple. I am not sure if you ever felt like this or experienced this… because I am not SURE if I felt like this because I haven’t dated a Native dude in my adult years. Yeah, I dated them when I was a kid in high school and my early twenties, but never as a true adult. Throughout this particular experience, I found out that  I set higher than average expectations from Native men than I do for non-Native men. I set higher expectations because I know how that person was raised, you see he was raised by a Native mother, and I know she taught him great things, because I too was raised by a Native mother. I know how a Native man is raised because it was probably similar to my environment, family, culture, etc.. You see when I date men of other racial/ethnic groups; I am not sure how they were raised, because I am not of that racial/ethnic group. But, I do know they have different cultural, spiritual, and family backgrounds than us Natives.

 So, when something from his end went wrong, I felt more disrespected and disappointed because that situation came from him, a Native man. I felt more let down than normal because I had higher expectations from him as a Native man. I thought to myself, am I being dramatic? Am I being too hard on him? Is this fair to him that I expected more from him than another person? I questioned myself numerous times, but the outcome of my answer was “No.” And, I felt like this because my father is Native, and my dad/brothers/uncles/male cousins/male friends wouldn’t do anything to disrespect or hurt me, so I didn’t feel bad for my dramatic imposition. I did, however, feel let down by this person from a deeper perspective due to our cultural/spiritual/familial/communal background because in my opinion, he knows better, but didn’t act like it.

My dating life is AWESOME!!

I chose to date myself for a while. I chose to put men aside per se these past few weeks. Of course I would remain open if there was a male I found I was attracted to and keep my mind open to any future dating opportunities. But over the past few weeks my mindset has been focused on ME. I told myself I am going to enjoy my Vegas summer! I want to get myself physically back in shape for ME (no one else) to make ME happy and make ME feel better about myself. I want to become healthier by eating better to enhance my health and physical fitness. I want to fit back into some clothes that don’t fit me anymore lol. I want to spoil myself and get me massages, nails done, hair done, and facials. I want to finish my dissertation this summer and become Dr. Lee officially. I want to do well in my jobs, which I love. I want to continue my volunteer work by helping our Native communities. I want to hang out with my girls and go to happy hours, movies, dinners, pools, clubs, and just have plain FUN! I want to meet new people. I want to dance my summer nights away on weekends. I want to see my family and hug them and laugh with them. And so far I’ve been doing what I desired.

 This past Saturday evening I took myself out to the movies  alone! I came home from work, put on a summer dress and felt cute. I had a date with myself. I couldn’t have been happier that evening and I enjoyed my own personal company. I didn’t feel awkward, lonely, or anything negative that I was at the movies alone on a Saturday night. In fact, I felt lucky, joy, content, and that I’ve made progress from any negative situations I incurred with any of my past relationships because I have matured from those experiences and MOVED ON! I’m moving happily forward with my life and I’m doing it ALONE. I’m sure I’ll find myself in another relationship at some point, but I’m not really looking, but when I do, I will be in a better relationship with myself because I will be healthier physically-emotionally-mentally-socially-spiritually. By improving my relationship with myself on these elements, I will have automatically improved my relationship with my future partner. Much love my friends…I hope you’re as happy as I’ve been feeling, cheers!! P.S. I recently started to have a crush who has put an extra smile on my face tho ;)

 

 

Judgments

It’s no secret that I date. I went on a date with an established guy this past week. He treated me like a lady. He pulled out my chair, ordered for me; you know….the chivalry was in full force. I told him upfront what I want and don’t want and he respected my boundaries and my intentions. He told me that there are women out there that you don’t respect because they don’t carry themselves in a certain way and there are women out there that you do because they carry themselves in a respectful way. He told me that there are just some women you treat better than others and you’re one of them. It made me think of how people, in general, pick up on our attitudes towards ourselves and others, and make judgments…positive or negative. Then my mind went on a tangent: What do people judge about me and my FB statuses? What do people judge about me when I talk? The way I dress? Etc…

 The fact of the matter is, you’re always going to be judged and treated as such. There are always going to be people who are not going to like you, who are envious, who are jealous, and judge you as such. Then, there’s the other end where people are rooting for you, supporting you, and on your team. As you can read, even this blog, went off on a tangent.

 Back to my date. When dating, women we have so much power. We can choose to demand respect, and from that point to stay or leave. But my other point is men can easily pick-up on traits based on our actions/words. If you want to be respected by your date/boyfriend/partner then you have to expect it, demand it, and set boundaries. IF your date/boyfriend/partner does not want to give it, then it’s your choice to stay or leave.

Anchors of love

Ok, I am in a stagnant stage. Ladies, have you ever been caught between the past, present, and the future? Like you know where you have been with dating, you know where you stand now, and you know where you want to go but it just doesn't exactly work out in that context? It's like you're trying to run forward full force but you have an anchor holding you but it could stem from emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual baggage just grabbing you with a fishing pole rod but you don't know it until you try to push yourself forward but for some reason you can't? Your weight from your past keeps pulling you back until you go back there....or you make progress but regardless just pulls you back when you want to be more progressive than your feelings/heart. Yup...we're just human. We try and we will continue to try until we get there. Example, I went on a date with an attractive, educated, sweet man but I couldn't let myself go "there" because I KNOW I still have feelings for a person who could probably careless about me...sort of speak....but yet I feel dumb and stupid and naive..and weak...and used...and tired...and guilty...and confused..and real. Until then...I'm not sure. All I know is I should move on and I want to but it gets hard. From my experience, there is no magic potion..it's simply time. It's minute by minute....hour by hour...day by day...week by week..month by month...year by year...it's love..then it's not love anymore. Let's get over it. Let's move on.  We can. It's a part of this life girls. Cheers!

Self-Sabotage Syndrome

I push men away. Plain and simple. Do any of you women suffer from the self-sabotage syndrome? I do! I suppose I’m scared of intimacy and love, but I also felt the men that I dated probably weren’t the right ones either, therefore enticed me to sabotage our relationship. I’m not saying the ending of all my relationships were all my fault and I tried to destroy them all, I’m saying that I found myself starting petty arguments to:

1. Test the man I was dating to see how he’ll react
2. Test the man I was dating to see how long he’ll stay in the relationship
3. Test the man I was dating to prove his worth to me
4. Test the man I was dating to prove his commitment to me and the relationship
5. But I think I really did it to push him away because I couldn’t see a life-long relationship with him due to missing traits I felt I needed.
    
   In essence, there was something in my gut that told me maybe this isn’t my “soul-mate,” and made me unconsciously and consciously push him away. Or maybe I was/am scared of true love, but reflecting back, I don’t think I could have married any person I was involved with. Let me remind you, I have been proposed to six different times by six different men, and I said “no” to all of them. I could have been married and divorced a couple of times by now if I said “yes” to at least two of them, lol, jk!
    
   But, this is a powerful reflection on my part because it could also stem from a feeling that I don’t deserve love or a good man. And that scares me. So, let me think about this, I could be self-sabotaging my relationships for 3 reasons:

1. Scared of intimacy and love.
2. I am not deserving of a good man.
3. They were not the right life-long partner for me.
    
   I believe all these 3 reflections are true and synergistically work together to create me to self-sabotage my relationships on the conscious level or the unconscious level. As people, we are all in working progress, and I need to ask myself “why” on the first two reasons. I know I’m a hard shell on the outside but once you break that shell then I become softer on the inside, and that’s unlike me to be “soft.” I hope you all reflect on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities ladies because we have them! Nobody is perfect. But we can all work towards our own perfect balance.
   -Love, Peace, and Frybread Grease!

Discussion with your partners about HIV & STIs

I’ve met a lot of people who stated they don’t think about having an initial discussion about sexually transmitted infections and HIV/AIDS when they engage in sexual relationships or when they begin a relationship. A lot of people may think it’s hard to bring up THAT discussion because of the “uncomfortableness.” I mean what do you ask and how do you ask it? Do you ask questions like: How many partners have you had? Have you ever been tested? If so, when? If not, will you? Most Native people seem to be a bit shyer than others about certain things, especially talking about sex because of the taboo in our community. Also, the women are more assertive and men are less assertive. In light of today being National Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, I encourage my ladies to take charge of your own bodies and your own sexual relationships. First, I encourage you to get tested! I know this may be scary but it’s always good to know your health status. Second, I encourage you to go buy condoms! Even if you’re not going to engage in sexual activity, but there will be a time when you do, so even if you’re currently not engaging in sex, go through the experience of buying condoms. Because I know most women feel this is a “man’s” job to do so and depend on the “man” to have condoms. Why can’t “we” carry our own condoms around and know we are equipped. Let’s get comfortable with us going into the store and buying condoms and have them. I feel this gives us self-responsibility and self-empowerment to know, regardless, we are safe. Third, have a discussion with your partner or future partner about getting tested. Personally, this is a requirement for me, for my significant other to get tested before any sexual activity transpires between us. I work in the trenches of sexual health and believe me, if you knew what I know, you would require everyone to get tested too. Since I work in the field, it’s a lot easier for me to have these discussions and make my significant other get tested if they want to be with me. If you’re not ready to have this discussion but you want to engage in sexual activity, then simply have him strap it up EVERY time or use a dental dam  (female oral sex protector) if your with a female, and no unprotected oral sex to ensure you are being the safest you can. If you want to have a discussion with your partner but you’re not sure how or what to say, follow this script below:

US: I really like you and I am interested in taking our relationship further, but I would like us to get tested before we do. I don’t feel comfortable us engaging in sexual activity if we don’t know each other’s status. (But make sure you go together, hear your results together, OR you see his paperwork with his name on it. Don’t get his/her word only. You need evidence!!)

If your significant other doesn’t agree or doesn’t want to, you can’t MAKE them. But, to me that’s always been a red flag because they either have something to hide, or they don’t respect themselves or you enough to get tested. SO, I say keep it movin’! OR you can ensure that you both use protection in all sexual acts every time as the other option. However, that may be a risk because the more you engage in sexual activity with that person, the more apt you may be likely tobecome more comfortable and let your guard down after time passes. I encourage all my Native gals to take a stance and become responsible for and with our bodies! We are strong women and state our mind in all arenas in our life, why can’t we include it in our sexual life???!!!!!!!!  

Healthy Conflicts (Navajo teaching/story)

So, this has kind of been my theme over the past couple of weeks, “Healthy Conflict.” For one part of my dissertation project I adapted an HIV, sexually transmitted infections, and teen pregnancy prevention curriculum so it is culturally appropriate for Native youth and I touched on healthy conflicts within relationships. I told my Native teens that when you put two different people together, there’s bound to be conflict, and conflict is healthy because it’s a natural process of being in a relationship. Every relationship is bound to come across some type of conflict, whether it’s friendships, family, or intimate relationships! I incorporated this Navajo story within my adapted curriculum to help teach them in a culturally appropriate demeanor that within our culture, there are teachings about “healthy conflicts.”

 [Navajo Tribe]

Monster Slayer (The Twin Brother of Born-for-Water, sons of Changing Woman and the Sun), made preparation for the inhabitants of this earth. He killed all the monsters, everything that would prey on the people. When he thought he had got rid of all the monsters that would be deadly to the people, that would devour the people, he thought he had finished his role and he was coming back to his home on that little mesa that is the cradle of our origin.

 Then he met someone and asked him, “I thought I killed all the enemies of the people. Are you still alive, or where did I dodge you?” then he found out this was Poverty. “No, grandchild, I don’t want to be killed,” Said Poverty. “If you kill me, then it will be the end of humanity, because you will have no knowledge of the needs, the necessity of one another, and the urge to do things for yourself and others. I should be here, and it will help you to develop compassion for one another. There will be need, there will be necessity, there will be the urgency to do things for yourself and for those around you because you are a human and you have certain needs. Your moccasins will wear away and there is a necessity that you get new moccasins. It develops your mind that you have to acquire and look for those things you need and others need. If you kill me, you will be like the rest of the animal world, without compassion for your fellow man and concern for yourself. You, as a human, should retain me. But I’m not the only one. There are four of us all in this category.” The first one that he met, he didn’t kill-he didn’t kill Poverty. He didn’t kill the need. He saw that man needed poverty to be humble and to be concerned with the needs of others as well as himself.

 He met another one-as the first one stated, there were four of them. He met the second person, The Sun God boy says, “I thought I killed all the monsters that would be killing the humanity on this earth, but I notice that you’re still alive.” The answer came that he didn’t want to be killed because “I have a definite purpose to live and to stay with you.” He found that it was Hunger. “Because I must have a place in your life to bother your stomach. When your stomach becomes empty, you will feel that you’re hungry and you will think, develop your mind about how to get food. You will become industrious and stop being lazy. You will go out and look for game or into the fields to get the crop. I have a definite purpose to live with your people. Without me, you will be lazy and couldn’t develop the qualities of mind and strength you should have for the world.” So that’s the second person he let go. Hunger was not killed. The Spirit of Hunger was not destroyed. It was left purposely to remain with us to make us work.

 Then he went ahead and he met the third person. He asked him the same question. “I thought I had killed all the enemies of humanity. Are you still around here? How was it I missed you?” He found that it was fatigue. Every night we should go to sleep. It’s a must if we are not to forget the world of the spirit. We have to have the sleep to be in good health. “If you kill me,” said Fatigue, “You will never rest. You have to have your sleep each night to replenish both your physical and spiritual strength. Without sleep man would forget the spirit and be aware of only the physical world. If you kill me, that will be the end. Your eyes will dry up. You won’t get the necessary rest to continue your life.” So he didn’t kill him. He let him abide with humanity. But there is an extreme to that thing, too. If you do nothing but sleep and sleep, you’ll die of poverty. You’ll be lazy and die of want. It is part of the life necessity to sleep, but if you continue to do nothing but sleep, you’ll fall into the hands of hunger which forces you to work. He let Fatigue go because it was necessary that he be retained as a help to humanity.

 He went on again and met the fourth person. He told him the same thing, “I thought I had killed all the enemies of humanity, and here you are. “You’re still alive.” He found it was Body Lice. He wanted to kill him, but the Body Lice also has a purpose. Without lice, people wouldn’t bother to keep clean. When people come together to come each other’s hair, it’s kind of a leisure period for them. Those periods, they’ll be talking about something that happened with the community. It serves a purpose that they have the time to visit. Body Lice forces people to make an effort to keep clean and to be sociable. So he wasn’t killed either. Body Lice he let go, to abide with humanity. Four of those, as a group, were given freedom to operate in their sphere. By viewing this legend, we know that it definitely has purpose. It is a problem-how to combat the needs in a person’s life, how to think of others, what to wear, what to eat. Is he tired? Does he need that rest? Does he need that cleanliness? To my knowledge, it is those things that are an aid to humans to force us to think, to act. I think it was well that they were spared otherwise our efforts for the needs of the human race would have dried up. –Navajo

 The point of this blog is to state that EVERY relationship will encounter conflicts and it’s how you deal with them that can make or break the relationship. Our conflicts are needed for us to grow and evolve individually and in the relationship as a couple. There is a balance to everything!!

 

50 Shades of OH HELL NO!

First off, let me start by saying “OHHHHHH HELL NO.” I know this is just a movie. I know it’s for entertainment. But, I would like to put in my two cents about this and probably turning it into a much deeper issue at hand being that this movie is for entertainment purposes. I know a lot of you ladies out there enjoyed it and so did I.

However, I had a few personal analytic points from a Native female perspective (my own). As I was sitting there and seeing Ana (female character) in movie being told what to do, get tied up, and spanked, it rubbed me the wrong way because I thought, “What if that was me?” “Would I ever do something like that and enjoy it?” And my answer was “OHHHHHHH HELL NO.” It’s not because I am judging someone else’s sexual preferences and everyone has their own practices, which I respect. But the male character was a White male and as I was thinking while watching the movie, “What if that was me?” So, in essence, I pictured of I could let a White male treat me like that? OHHHHHH HELL NO. It goes back down to historical oppression of Native peoples. White men used to “torture” us Native females back in the day and why would I think in any shape or form for that to be a turn-on, especially from a White male to a Native female? And then I thought, “What if it was from a minority man?” And my answer remained “OHHHHHHHH HELL NO.” Because coming from my community, there is an extremely high rate of domestic violence. Therefore, I still couldn’t understand how being dominated and tortured would be any different from the harsh negative realities that plague my tribal communities. Below are some statistical rates to give you a picture of violence that occurs among Native women.

 Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence/Physical Assault from

https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Violence%20Against%20AI%20AN%20Women%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf

-American Indian women residing on Indian reservations suffer domestic violence and physical assault at rates far exceeding women of other ethnicities. In 2004 Department of Justice report estimates these assault rates to be as much as 50% higher than the next most victimized demographic.
-National annual incidence rates and lifetime prevalence rates for physical assaults are also higher for American Indian and Alaskan Native women compared to other women.
-In a 2008 CDC study, 39% of Native women surveyed identified as victims of intimate partner violence in their lifetime, a rate higher than any other race or ethnicity surveyed.
-According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs at least 70% of the violent victimizations experienced by American Indians are committed by persons not of the same race— a substantially higher rate of interracial violence than experienced by white or black victims
Also, as a personal trait of mine, I don’t like being dominated by men or anyone in general. It would hard for ME to be spoken to in such demeanor, nonetheless, would want to be tied-up, gagged, etc.  However, working in the sexual health field, I know people have their own preferences and that’s cool. To each their own.

Sexual Karma

It is no secret I like to talk about SEX! I work as a sexpert (sexual health educator) and I do research on sex! Not to mention I give seminars or could give seminars on how to give good oral sex to a man and what are the best sexual positions based on science! These are based on basic anatomy/physiology of males/females. I taught a sexual health class at UNLV and the curriculum I was teaching out of talked of everything from the anatomy/physiology of males/females-to-acts of sex-to-social aspects of sex. It may be weird, especially for a Navajo woman to be talking about such things because we are deemed as “shy,” and these things are not talked about in our community. But as I tell everyone, what’s the big deal, everyone has sex, it’s normal, it’s natural, and it’s a part of life.

 But, there’s a lot that comes with the act of sex as well. It comes with a lot of consequences (good/bad) and responsibility (or lack of). I read this piece and found it interesting. I would like to share it:

A woman isn't mentally or emotionally designed to have multiple sexual partners.

When a woman has sex with a guy, the act of him entering her allows his life force and energy to enter her as well. That man’s life force and energy then becomes a part of that woman’s emotional and mental character. The more of a man’s life force she takes inside of her, the more like that man she becomes. She starts to take on his ideological outlook on life, and begins to reflect the essence of who that man is. That’s why you can always tell when a woman has been with low caliber men. She’ll take on the persona and low level of energy of those men she's been with. A woman by divine design becomes a reflection of her man. Whoever is sexing her on the regular, that's the person's mindset and ideology she’ll eventually become most aligned with. And when she has multiple sex partners, she has multiple competing spiritual forces fighting inside her soul for the dominant position within her life. This duality within her ultimately leads to confusion. I know some of you ladies think you can do what men do, but you have to get on your grown woman game and think like an adult. It’s time out for thinking and acting like irresponsible teenagers. You can’t do what we do. And we can’t do what you all do. Our bodies and minds were designed differently to fulfill God’s greater purpose. This doesn't excuse men either for having loose sexual behavior. The bible makes it clear (and science corroborates) that when a man and woman join together as one: they become ONE flesh. Think about that fellas: how many women have you become one with in your lifetime? It's a scary thought, especially when you consider all the spiritual fall-out that can happen from allowing the energy of different women to join up with yours. Some of you right now can't seem to get your life on track, and you can't figure out why. You have strange pains in your body, or trouble holding down a job. You no longer sleep well at night. Your business has suddenly stagnated. Or maybe your finances never come together the way you need them to. It's because of those unbroken ties with females from your past. Some of those women you had the pleasure of banging were filled with demons: and because of that sexual act now those demons have permission to torment your life too. Sex is a very real, very serious act of sharing power. And we shouldn't treat it like kids playing with matches and gasoline.

So ladies, it’s time to stop lying to yourself about women being 'playas' like men. The only one who ends up being played in the end is YOU. And fellas: it's time to treat sex like it's more serious and precious than life or death itself. Because for many of you: it really is. Many a man is suffering the torments of hell this very moment, all because he refused to gain control over his penis when he had the chance to. Now his lust has become his eternal torment. If you don't control your penis, some woman (and the demons working through her) will destroy you THROUGH your penis. I advocate a strong healthy regimen of disciplining one's life by the teachings of Jesus Christ found in holy scripture. Not to be religious: but because IT WORKS!

The very thing many of you are running from or avoiding entirely is the very thing you need most to get your life on the right track. Stop running and give God a chance. And watch your life transform in ways you never thought possible. –Mack Major

 This Mack Major guy has so many valid points in his message. When you engage in sexual acts with another, you become united in a sacred way and exchange energy that is sacred. Therefore, I advocate for sexual responsibility. My logo for my Native youth program states, “Responsibility is Sacred.”  Also, women are the receivers and men are the givers, so us Native women have to think about these things at times. And if you don’t know that person well, he/she may have characteristics and do things that are immoral and he/she may give you that “bad” energy. In essence, there is sexual karma!! So be careful who you lay down with my friends. Sex is sacred.

Sloppy Seconds

I met a guy around the time I first moved here to Vegas. He originally lived in the east coast but would come to Vegas for work frequently for months at a time. He was tall, dark, handsome, polite, educated, well-dress/groomed, and had a very good job. We would go out on dates and hang-out. He wanted more but I just wasn’t ready but I enjoyed his company nonetheless. But, every time he came back to Vegas for work, we would always meet up and kick it. He told me he was divorced and had a daughter. At one point I thought I should give this dude a real chance.

 

THEN, I got a phone call and it was this dudes WIFE. Like, he was full-on married! However, even if the case were if a man was separated, going through a divorce, etc..he was still MARRIED at the end of the day. I talked to his wife, didn’t rat him out, but assured nothing was going on between us because although we kicked it, nothing serious was happening.  I immediately texted the dude and told him he was the scum of the earth, he’s a liar, I feel bad for his wife, and to never-ever..ever-ever-ever contact me again because he disgusted me!!!! He left me alone for about 3 months and then he texted me again saying I was the most amazing woman he ever met and he still wanted to be a part of my life. I looked at my phone and thought “BYE FELCIA.” I never responded.

 

I don’t know if it’s just me or I presume to be judgmental but why would I want another woman’s man?! Ewww. I’d rather be single. I don’t want to be your “sloppy seconds.”  Also, I have been cheated on before and that sucks. I wouldn’t want to partake in any type of situation where someone may get hurt because it happened to me before. I understood that prior to me knowing he was married was not my fault because I had no idea. But, after that phone call, after me finding out he was married, it become my responsibility to walk away, because he obviously wasn’t responsible/respectful enough to make that decision. But I was.

 

I don’t understand women who WANT to date/talk to/mess around with men who are in a relationship (married or not) when they know he is. Don’t worry ladies, I am not forgetting about who the REAL asshole is in this situation, it definitely is the man in the relationship, and I didn’t forget that. But, as females aren’t’ we enabling him to treat other women like this if we know he’s in a relationship but still continue to date/talk/mess around with? Where is our self-esteem to know we can find a man who is not taken? Where is our self-confidence to know we deserve better? Where is our self-respect as Native women, to know this is wrong? Where is our dignity? I mean are we sometimes that desperate to need attention that bad that we feel we can ‘borrow’ it for the time being?

 

Not to mention, if he leaves her to be with you, would you trust him? Because if he cheated on his ex with you, who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you with another girl? The relationship already started off with bad energy, lies, deceit, and disrespect.