Indian Country is too small (NATIVE MALE PERSPECTIVE: Challenges of dating Native women. Part 3)

I’m onto my 3^rd piece of why it is challenging for Native men to date us Native women. A 3^rd theme is why Native women tend to fall for Non-Natives? A Native brother wrote “There are good/nice native men out there with a job, educated, and still no kids. How we are perceived by native women.” I know there are Native men out there who are employed, educated, and no kids, but my question is WHERE? I know Native men ask the same thing about us women too.

My assumption is we’re all out there, but could it be another issue the same person pointed out, “Everyone knows everyone, even being related. Indian Country is a small world.” To add on even more challenges, everyone knows someone in Indian Country, directly or indirectly. If you don’t know that person directly, you usually have a cousin’s boyfriend’s who knows that guy you’re dating cousin. Or your mom knows his cousin’s wife’s daughter. Us Natives like to measure up a few things about that person and assess:

1. This step is MANDATORY, especially in my tribe. I can’t speak for all ~562 federally recognized tribes, but if you’re dating within your tribe, in my case, Navajo, then you have to get that person you’re interested in CLANS. In my tribe, clans are a cultural way we identify our kinship with each other. We each have four clans: 1^st maternal mother clan, 2^nd paternal father clan, 3^rd maternal grandfather clan, 4^th paternal grandfather clan. If we have the same clans, then we could be closely related, or distant related, but dependent on how our relation is determined, that is how we start to greet the other. For example, if you have both the same first clans, then you’re closely related, and cannot date, PERIOD! If you have more distant clan relations, then it’s a possibility you can date. This first step has halted many Navajo people to move forward into a romantic partnership with each other, because they are essentially closely related. This is a huge challenge dating within our tribe.
    
2. The second step poses additional assessment. Your family will ask all these questions: What family does he/she come from? Does that person come from a good/bad family? Are his/her family alcoholics? Have a lot of family issues? Do they practice what type religion/faith in comparison with your family’s religion/faith? Does one person of that person’s family particularly “stick-out” in a positive/negative way? If so, what?
   Mind you, when these assessments occur, there may be a lot of questions asked and a lot of follow-up that occurs between your family and you. For example, your family will “get” more information on this person to ensure facts are right. Then, sometimes this involves another demon called “gossip.” Now, you go through all this between you and your family to deem this person as “datable” or “not-datable.” You see in Indian Country, family approval is usually necessary due to close family ties/relationship, and it’s hard to truly move forward with a person if your family doesn’t approve. Now, this is just a preliminary check.
    
3. In my own perception, I feel it is necessary to assess that person’s spirituality/faith. Usually, Natives are either “Christian” or they practice their cultural/spiritual faith. (**DISCLAIMER**I’m not saying this is so cut and dry, but majority of people fall into one or the other category, while you have some who practice other types of faith/spirituality or nothing at all.) In my perception, I find that if a Native is “Christian” and the other practices their own tribe’s cultural/spiritual practices, they are not compatible, because it clashes with each other one way or another.
    
   So, let me pull you back into the 3^rd theme of Native women dating non-Native men. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong either way, because each individual has the right to date who they want, but due to some of the factors I stated, these are some of the reasons why Natives date inter-racially. Also, this is a challenge for Native men to date Native women, because it seems that most of the inter-racial relationships occur among Native women. I observed that if there is an inter-racial relationship, it is usually the Native women (not men) who date outside their tribe and/or race. Therefore, I could see the challenges from a Native male context.
    
   To bring up even deeper challenges, a Navajo brother stated, “ [Native women} The ones who preach about culture, tradition, ways etc… but end up with non-Natives.” This statement addresses this brother’s challenge on when Native women who practice their tribe’s culture/spirituality date non-Native men. That is a real interesting statement because it is true. I am just that. I am a Navajo woman who practices my Navajo culture/spirituality, but yet, have been in serious relationships with non-Native men. This is a loaded statement and there’s a lot to write about this subject matter, which I will address on a separate blog about this sole subject alone. But, I’d like to hear what you Native women who practice your tribe’s culture/faith but date non-Native men. What do you feel about this statement? Or in general about why you chose or choose to date non-Native men?