Self-Sabotage Syndrome

I push men away. Plain and simple. Do any of you women suffer from the self-sabotage syndrome? I do! I suppose I’m scared of intimacy and love, but I also felt the men that I dated probably weren’t the right ones either, therefore enticed me to sabotage our relationship. I’m not saying the ending of all my relationships were all my fault and I tried to destroy them all, I’m saying that I found myself starting petty arguments to:

1. Test the man I was dating to see how he’ll react
2. Test the man I was dating to see how long he’ll stay in the relationship
3. Test the man I was dating to prove his worth to me
4. Test the man I was dating to prove his commitment to me and the relationship
5. But I think I really did it to push him away because I couldn’t see a life-long relationship with him due to missing traits I felt I needed.
    
   In essence, there was something in my gut that told me maybe this isn’t my “soul-mate,” and made me unconsciously and consciously push him away. Or maybe I was/am scared of true love, but reflecting back, I don’t think I could have married any person I was involved with. Let me remind you, I have been proposed to six different times by six different men, and I said “no” to all of them. I could have been married and divorced a couple of times by now if I said “yes” to at least two of them, lol, jk!
    
   But, this is a powerful reflection on my part because it could also stem from a feeling that I don’t deserve love or a good man. And that scares me. So, let me think about this, I could be self-sabotaging my relationships for 3 reasons:

1. Scared of intimacy and love.
2. I am not deserving of a good man.
3. They were not the right life-long partner for me.
    
   I believe all these 3 reflections are true and synergistically work together to create me to self-sabotage my relationships on the conscious level or the unconscious level. As people, we are all in working progress, and I need to ask myself “why” on the first two reasons. I know I’m a hard shell on the outside but once you break that shell then I become softer on the inside, and that’s unlike me to be “soft.” I hope you all reflect on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities ladies because we have them! Nobody is perfect. But we can all work towards our own perfect balance.
   -Love, Peace, and Frybread Grease!