Native Dating Dynamics

Among Natives we all have lots in common in the aspects of how we view the importance of family and community, and if you are a “traditional” Native, then we have even more in common on spirituality and cultural teachings. There are the known cultural protocols and kinship structures that we practice, whether we grew up on the Rez or not. There are also the people who comfortably transit between “mainstream” and “tribal” norms by constantly flowing in-between both dynamics. Then, you have the Natives who comfortably stay on the Rez and those who comfortably stay in urban areas. I sometimes wonder how this impacts dating among your own tribe or dating within inter-tribal spaces.

While growing up on the Rez, at the time I always dated Native men because that is who I was constantly around and I found them attractive, of course. The further I moved away from the Rez and the more I interacted with different racial/ethnic groups, I slowly stopped dating Native men. There was a long time period in my life where I found Native men did not flirt or approach me. And during this time period is when I completely stopped dating Native men. However, maybe I have been so far removed from their “ways of  flirting”, that even if they did, maybe I was the one who was oblivious to it. In comparison, I have noticed that other men of color seem to be a bit more “aggressive” or “assertive” on their interest in you. They will bluntly tell you that you are pretty, ask you out, or ask how they can contact you. Whereas Native men are more subtle and in some ways leave you wondering, does he like me? Or does he want to be my buddy?

There is also the consideration that if you are of the same tribe that you have to figure out if you are related first. Maybe there is that unconscious pause period before readily telling someone you are interested or even readily being interested, because you are trying to decipher those kinship systems first. Once you figure that out, then maybe you are more likely to move forward with that interested suitor. I will give an example. I once met a man who is the same tribe as me and although I thought he was cute, I was mentally uninterested. You see I was physically interested but I was mentally uninterested. In the back of my mind I had to hear his clans first because he could unknowingly be my brother/father/grandpa by our Navajo cultural clanship system that determines our kinship to each other. I had to put my physical attraction on hold until I could find out if he was related to me. I also found myself being pessimistic thinking what are the odds are that is not related to me (probably very slim), so why even bother thinking of him other than family. I mean, who wants to have a crush on their brother, gross! The relation is still significant even if that person is not related by blood. Therefore, I definitely think when you are dating within your own tribe, this kinship aspect is highly significant.

I am assessing dating Native men vs. non-Native men AND dating Navajo men vs. dating men of other tribes. When you date Navajo men, they know that our tribe is matriarchal and there is that given “respect” sort of speak. When dating men of other tribes, they may come from a patriarchal tribal cultural/social dynamic. So, even if you are both Native, there may be clashes. I found that when dating other men of color that they are more patriarchal frame-minded and that used to cause clashes in my dating dynamics with them.  Sometimes it seems much easier to date someone NOT from your tribe and sometimes it seems much easier TO DATE someone from your tribe. The complex  love life of the Navajo Nation.

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I am privileged

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is motivational theory in psychology consisting of a five stage hierarchical model of human needs. For those of who went to college, we can probably remember this basic theory in Psych 101. Maslow (1943) theorized that people are motivated to achieve certain needs and some needs are more “important” than others.

This five-stage pyramid model indicates that the first four levels are referred to deficiency needs and the top level is known as growth needs (McLeod, 2016). The deficiency needs are theorized to motivate people when they are unmet and those unmet needs to be fulfilled; and the longer they are not fulfilled the stronger they become (i.e., the longer a person does not drink water they more thirsty they become). In addition, one must satisfy stage one before progressing to meet stage two, and so forth. Through life experiences (i.e. loss of job, death in family) people may move through the hierarchy uni-directional moving up and down through the pyramid.

The 5-stage original hierarchy of needs five-stage model are:

1. Biological and Physiological- air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep  

2. Safety needs- protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear

3. Love and belongingness needs- friendship, intimacy, trust, acceptance, receiving and giving affection and love. Affiliating, being part of a group (family, friends, work)

4. Esteem needs- achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, respect from others

5. Self-actualization needs-realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences

This theory can transcend to various parts of our lives. For example, I had a person ask me why the Washington R******* issue was important because they deemed it as petty and that Natives have more important stuff to worry about (i.e, getting wood, affording food, getting clean water). At that moment, I thought that the person was thinking from a tunnel vision aspect and not understanding the bigger picture of how the mascot issues contribute to ongoing stereotyping and discrimination. Then, I had to re-think this from their perspective.

I had this epiphany a few months ago that I am privileged. I had this epiphany while I was debating with my White male colleague and told him he was/is privileged. As I was verbally stating that to him I realized that I am privileged too because we are both doctors, sitting in the same office, working for the same prestigious academic institution. I could not deny my new academic, economic, and professional status; although it still seems foreign to me majority of the time. I still consider myself a girl from the Rez and that will never change, however other people may see me different now.

With my newfound perspective, I have thought a lot. First, I have the luxury to worry about issues such as Native and stereotypes. I have the luxury to worry about and take action on so many Native issues because according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I have my biological/physiological, safety needs, love and belongingness, esteem needs, and self-actualization needs met for the most part. Whereas Native people are worrying about obtaining their biological/physiological and safety needs, so they do not have the luxury to worry about other needs, such as self-actualization or love.

Further, it makes sense why domestic violence is a big issue in our communities. Many of our members are worried about those basic needs and love/belongingness is not their first priority compared to having food, water, warm house, etc…Many people in our Native communities worry about just getting through the day, the week, the month. I did not even think about my privileged status prior because I still feel I am the community and they are me and there is no separation. However, I could be more mindful and aware at times.

Who pays during the dates?

This day in age of dating could be daunting and ambiguous. There are multiple social media and dating websites to meet potential love interests. There is also the old-fashion way to meet people, in-person. There are more women who are self-sufficient and empowered…we had Hillary Clinton run for president this election season. Our gender dynamics are ever changing and evolving for better or worse depending on who you are and your philosophical worldviews and practices.

Is it protocol you go Dutch the first time you meet a person online? Are women considered gold-diggers if they want the men to pay for everything all the time during the first few dates? Do women prefer the pay half or their own tab because they do not want to feel “obligated” to give up anything to that man later in that date or in their dating timeframe? Do men still feel that since they pay, that women “should” give them something in return in the beginning? Are women feeling more empowered and demonstrate that empowerment by paying for their date? Are women paying for dates for the simple fact that they do not want to be labeled as a gold-digger? Are there still old-school gentleman out there that wants to and will pay for dates? How long is the time between going on your first few dates to dating that a female should feel comfortable to pay? These are all valid and interesting questions if you are in the dating game.

In December of 2016, I met a guy from the east coast while I was there. He asked me to lunch, we went, he paid. Simple. There was no hesitation or awkwardness when the tab arrived of “who is going to pay?” He quickly grabbed the bill and that was that.

Recently, I was hanging out with a friend of mine. She wanted me to tag along on her hanging out with a guy she met through mutual friends online. She had never met this fella in-person. I tagged along to dinner and asked for a separate check for myself. According to my friend, when their bill arrived, her male friend did not get the check quick enough and there was that awkward moment of “who is going to pay?” She then grabbed the check and put her credit card down. Their bill was ~$65 and the male friend gave her $45 cash. The next day he wanted to take her out on a date and I somehow ended up tagging along again. He asked her to purchase the tickets online. She did. He never paid her back. However, he bought popcorn and drinks. Interesting I thought as an outside person examining the awkwardness of money. I thought since he wanted to hangout with her that he should have paid for the tickets. 

In my dating experiences I do not usually have that “paying” awkwardness. However, I am not saying that it has not happened, it has, but it is not the norm for me. It is interesting to observe the financial dynamics between men and women between the first few dates-relationships-marriage. I must admit that I get turned off if a man expects me to pay or puts me in a position to pay by "awkwardness" in the beginning of our dating phase. Personally, I prefer the old-school gentleman who pays during our courting phase. I prefer to be courted. After the first few dates then I will want to start to pay now and then. –Love, Peace, and Frybread Grease 

Learning Lessons-Never Judge a Book By Its Cover

I met a guy about 9 months ago during 2016 Superbowl weekend. We “dated” or “talked” or whatever you call it for a couple of months. It did not go well because I found him to be arrogant, conceited, egotistical, and patriarchal. We clashed a lot during our times of “dating.” I felt like we debated so much and we had to prove our individual points. He had his male ego and I had my feminist ego. To be fair, I’ll say we got on each other’s nerves. And around that time, I found out I was coming to work at UCLA and we just stopped talking. Also, I thought this would never work anyways, because he was so ANNOYING to me. No big deal…just part of the dating game is finding people you’re not compatible with I thought.

Fast forward to end of October. I saw him at the sports book where I always watch football, he approached me and said, “I thought you moved to LA but I’ve seen you here a couple of times.” I said, “I did but only 50% of my time and the other 50% I live here.” He said, “You look pretty…can I have your number again and the reason why I stopped talking to you from my end was because I thought you moved and I thought how can I build something with someone who is moving?” In my mind, I thought, no we stopped talking because we weren’t compatible…well at least on my end that’s why. However, I gave him my number again anyways just to see…

What happened in the beginning was the same thing. We clashed as usual. For example, we had different perceptions of time and respect of time, among other things. I went all “Navajo woman” on him a few times because he was getting on my damn nerves. My Navajo woman-ness walked out on him while watching a game together and yelling at him, lol. I thought, why am I even talking to this dude?! So, I texted him saying: I can only be your homie-nothing more. We can go watch games together and you can holla at girls in front of me, I’ll even hook you up because I have some good girls that are my friends that you’ll probably be even more compatible with. I tried to push him away as far as I could and suggested to try to hook him up with some of my girls! Through all my drama and me pushing him away, he overlooked it, and never took me up on my offer to be hooked up with one of my girls, lol.

I have spent time with him over these past few days while in LA. This man is a successful business owner, has linear thought, thinks such like a man, ambitious, confident, doesn’t second guess his decisions because he’s thoroughly thought about it and/or knows what he wants. He’s in LA for family circumstances but he’s made every effort to see me daily. He communicated to me that, “I’m grown and I know what I want or don’t want.” After spending this time with him and getting to know him better, I find we’re not so different after all. He still has his ego and annoying perspectives as a man, but I’d rather he have those thoughts. For example, he says things like, “A man provides, makes the money, takes care of bills, a man this…, a man that…” I tend to get annoyed with what he says and believes, because I’m a woman that is capable of making my own money, paying for my own bills…etc. However, would I rather him he say, “I don’t want to provide, I don’t want to make money, I don’t want to pay bills, etc..?” Ommmm..HELL NO! I have to check myself on my feminism because I want a hard-working and ambitious man, and that’s what he is. We have a joke where he says, “I fired you like 5 times and you’re still here.” Then, I say, “I’ve fired you like 7 times and you’re still here.” LOL

We have a lot in common but it was hard for me to see through that because I was seeking all his negative traits first-rather than getting to know him first. That was a learning lesson to me: Never judge a book by its cover. What’s your learning lesson when it comes to dating/love/relationships?

Non-existent Dating Life

I have limited time to spend doing “extra-curricular” activities, which includes anything outside of work and travel. My time is limited to spend time with myself, including family and friends. When my down time occurs, I feel like why would I want to waste my time dating, when I don’t know how it will turn out with this prospective individual. I feel my time would be better spent with me resting or with my loved ones, family and friends that is. So, as a single-Native-professional, who-when-how do you have time to date or even meet men, in general?

I work around 50-70 hours/week, given anytime of the week. I travel about 30% of my time. When I hang out with friends in social setting, I’m not looking to meet men, I’m there to chill with my family and friends. People advised me to meet men online and that’s is something I’m just not comfortable with. Plus, checking your dating site seems time consuming as well. My main context of this blog is, I don’t have time to seek men to date, nor the energy. They practically have to all into my lap on a silver platter these days. I’m trying to build my career, my financial capital, and just be a better person than I was yesterday. Therefore, right dating seems near to impossible for me at this point of my life.

For example, I met this person and he’s like it seems like you’re too busy for me. And he asked if I will make time for him. My answer was I will do my best with no guarantees, at least for the next year of my life. *Sigh* This dating thing is so not working out for me right now. 

How does the current state of race relations impact relationships?

The current state of race relations is not new. There has always been racial tension between communities of color and Euro-Americans since this country was stolen from us Natives. As a whole, Natives and Blacks have the highest disparities in all categories that negatively impact our daily lives. According to the Department of Justice, Center on Juvenile & Criminal Justice, and Lakota People’s Law Project:

·       Natives are incarcerated at a rate 38% higher than the national average

·       Native youth are 30% more likely than Whites to be referred to juvenile court than have charges dropped

·       Native men are incarcerated at 4X’s the rate of White men; Native women are incarcerated at 6X’s the rate of White women

·       88% of violent crimes committed against Natives is done by non-Natives

·       Natives are more likely to be killed than any other racial group

The state of this country’s current situation is bringing out the discussion of race relation issues. It may be uncomfortable for some, however, it’s not uncomfortable to me because I have learned quite early on by my father, who went to Law School, that there will always be discrimination. In fact, he told me that I will have it 10X’s harder than anybody else because I’m minority and I’m a female, so I have to work 10X’s harder than everyone else just to be deemed as “equal.” Let’s not be ignorant and dismissive of these issues. They exist. However, some people do not want to recognize it, talk about it, “give into” it, etc…I am not exactly sure why that is the case.

My question is, how do these race relations impact our daily interactions or romantic relationships? I know for myself, I lack trust because I have been discriminated against consistently, and when it constantly occurs, my trust walls have risen. It is my natural and instinctive way to protect myself. Living on the reservation and traveling in-and-out of neighboring cities and towns, there’s significant amount of discrimination that exist among Natives.

My frustration and personal experiences have put me in a place of frustration. However, instead of using my frustration negatively, I try to apply it towards fighting for equality and trying to create change in our communities. Nevertheless, at some point there’s a level of tiredness, skeptical thinking, and overwhelming feelings that gets the best of you.

For these reasons, I choose to date men of color. I want to relate to my partner on a level of consciousness he can understand that stems from historical trauma. I know this thought logic may seem weird. But, I want to know when I come home from trying to “fight the world” sort of speak, those frustrations that are are within me, that he can truly empathize with my pain at those times. There’s a level of understanding where he “just knows.” He can say those right words to support me or give me my space to take the overwhelming burdens of the outside world off my shoulders and keep it outside, letting me know I am safe with him on every level imaginable, especially mentally. I want to be able to vent freely, without confusion or lack of understanding on his part. 

I am not always in a trusting space to intimately interact with people who have not experienced discrimination or oppression. I feel like this because what if they say something ignorant, then what would my reaction be? What if they dismiss my experiences or concerns? What if they deem me as an "angry Native girl?" What if they don't believe me. What if they think "i'm trippin?" 

I also find it interesting that when I’m with my people of color, professional colleagues we talk about our “brown people” challenges because it is integrated into our daily lives, whether we want it to be or not, we have no choice. We talk about our work, career, families, that circle around our personal identity, whether it’s bad or good. For example, my Black friends talk about how they talk to their Black children, especially their sons. Parallel, to how my father talked to me about discrimination as I was a kid. It’s our parents’ duties to prepare us for life. When I’m around my White colleagues, the discussion of race or discrimination never occurs. They talk about their daily work challenges, which is challenging, but racial discrimination or profiling is not part of their daily-lived experiences, so there’s no reference to it.

I find it interesting how these situations cause a divide and people are “uncomfortable” to talk about it because they may have opposite views or experiences. We all have different experiences and viewpoints. As a Native woman, these are my personal experiences and viewpoints.

#Equality #KnowledgeIsPower #DecolonizeYourMind

Why do unavailable men want to hit on me?

Over the past few months I’ve been hit on by numerous married, engaged, or committed men. It baffles me. I’m thinking do I act/look like I’m some sort of “jump-off?” What is going on to make these men think I would be interested in engaging in any kind of non-appropriate activities with them? However, let me state that most of these men who hit on me are acquaintances and I know them in some capacity, whether it’s through mutual friends, work, or we’re friends. Also, it’s not like they hit on me right off the back, at first we are cool, and eventually comes the time when they try to hit on me.

For example, I have a friend who was engaged (now married). We do work together and a group of us went out for drinks and it ended up just being us talking about projects we were interested in doing together. He starts flirting a  little and I’m like, “you’re engaged.”  He says, “Yeah, but I’m only marrying her because we’ve been together for a while and she at least deserves that but I’m still gonna do me.” I’m thinking then why are you getting married fool!

Another friend of mine is still living with his “ex-fiancee”, so he says. He wanted to start a real committed relationship with me and I’m like “NOPE!” You’re still living with your “girl.” He denies that they’re still together like that, but regardless, you’re still caught up in a situation.

These men know I ain’t no fool and I don’t play those type of games. Maybe I’m just too laid back and cool, thinking men don’t have certain type of agendas. At one point I thought is it something I"M doing? Then, I thought why am I even asking myself that question. It's stupid for me to think that being a cool person grants a man to hit on me. I had to check myself. 

However, I'm not fully available right now to be in a serious relationship because my time is dedicated and prioritized to myself, that maybe I am putting out the energy of attracting men who are not "available" as well. Maybe I'm putting out this energy. Just maybe. 

Over the past few months I’ve been hit on by at least 10 men who are caught up with someone. It makes me think, like dayum, are any men faithful? And how did I all of a sudden become a committed men magnet? I don’t want somebody else’s man! Especially, when I can damn well get my own. But, after all these unfaithful men, I’m skeptical all over again about are there really any faithful men around? Also, I don't think this male and female friendship thing works out if eventually every man tries to hit on you at some point, LOL.