Native Dating Dynamics

Among Natives we all have lots in common in the aspects of how we view the importance of family and community, and if you are a “traditional” Native, then we have even more in common on spirituality and cultural teachings. There are the known cultural protocols and kinship structures that we practice, whether we grew up on the Rez or not. There are also the people who comfortably transit between “mainstream” and “tribal” norms by constantly flowing in-between both dynamics. Then, you have the Natives who comfortably stay on the Rez and those who comfortably stay in urban areas. I sometimes wonder how this impacts dating among your own tribe or dating within inter-tribal spaces.

While growing up on the Rez, at the time I always dated Native men because that is who I was constantly around and I found them attractive, of course. The further I moved away from the Rez and the more I interacted with different racial/ethnic groups, I slowly stopped dating Native men. There was a long time period in my life where I found Native men did not flirt or approach me. And during this time period is when I completely stopped dating Native men. However, maybe I have been so far removed from their “ways of  flirting”, that even if they did, maybe I was the one who was oblivious to it. In comparison, I have noticed that other men of color seem to be a bit more “aggressive” or “assertive” on their interest in you. They will bluntly tell you that you are pretty, ask you out, or ask how they can contact you. Whereas Native men are more subtle and in some ways leave you wondering, does he like me? Or does he want to be my buddy?

There is also the consideration that if you are of the same tribe that you have to figure out if you are related first. Maybe there is that unconscious pause period before readily telling someone you are interested or even readily being interested, because you are trying to decipher those kinship systems first. Once you figure that out, then maybe you are more likely to move forward with that interested suitor. I will give an example. I once met a man who is the same tribe as me and although I thought he was cute, I was mentally uninterested. You see I was physically interested but I was mentally uninterested. In the back of my mind I had to hear his clans first because he could unknowingly be my brother/father/grandpa by our Navajo cultural clanship system that determines our kinship to each other. I had to put my physical attraction on hold until I could find out if he was related to me. I also found myself being pessimistic thinking what are the odds are that is not related to me (probably very slim), so why even bother thinking of him other than family. I mean, who wants to have a crush on their brother, gross! The relation is still significant even if that person is not related by blood. Therefore, I definitely think when you are dating within your own tribe, this kinship aspect is highly significant.

I am assessing dating Native men vs. non-Native men AND dating Navajo men vs. dating men of other tribes. When you date Navajo men, they know that our tribe is matriarchal and there is that given “respect” sort of speak. When dating men of other tribes, they may come from a patriarchal tribal cultural/social dynamic. So, even if you are both Native, there may be clashes. I found that when dating other men of color that they are more patriarchal frame-minded and that used to cause clashes in my dating dynamics with them.  Sometimes it seems much easier to date someone NOT from your tribe and sometimes it seems much easier TO DATE someone from your tribe. The complex  love life of the Navajo Nation.

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