Listen to your Gut

I was talking/dating this Native guy (big mistake) for a few months. I thought I’d give a Native brother a chance, you know? I visited him right before Christmas and while I was at his apartment, he got a gift delivered from his “ex-girlfriend.” That didn’t sit well with me. I put two and two together and listened to my gut, which told me: He is still talking to her, or he still with her, or he still has strong feelings with her, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE. After I found the package I immediately left back to Vegas after I told him what I found. The guy was calling me and texting me telling me I’m trippin’ and I over re-acted about a person who is no longer a part of his life, blah, blah blah. I didn’t believe him. For a few weeks these texts and phone calls continued but I told this person, I can only be his friend, nothing more. Recently, I got a call from this guys’ “ex-girlfriend” telling me they never broke-up! Basically, he was cheating on her all this time with me, while lying to both of us. The thing is, I wasn’t mad about it and I didn’t even care. I felt this way because I knew this when I saw she sent him a gift. I listened to my gut. I literally had no feelings of anger or anything, but I felt extremely bad for his girlfriend because she invested years into that relationship. I also didn’t care because I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend, which is the person that will always make my knees weak. LOL I thought to myself, I’m way too grown to be in this situation to have a girl call me over some dude. My point is, ladies, listen to your gut. It may save you from yourself and other deceitful people…..

Acknowledgement and Grief of Oppression in 2016

I came home and was literally crying and for no apparent reason. I just felt grief. I just felt overwhelmed. My eyes are watery as I type this and tears are flowing down my face. I know now….I have been having multiple meetings these past few days that are addressing social justice, which include the recent media activity. This past Monday, I saw White armed ranchers taking over the government building on national news. The national building consists of important tribal documentation, and they’re on tribal lands, while protesting that it is their land. There was a meeting on gender equality with the United Nations that I was late in “distance” attending, but I read the transcription/notes. I attended a community meeting with people who are fighting injustices to keep sacred sites of tribal documentation, artifacts, and sacred sites upheld. Then, I saw a movie titled, “Revenant”, which was of Leonardo DiCaprio getting revenge of a person who killed his Pawnee son. I am involved in many ongoing community dialogues to assist people of color to address injustices. It is my responsibility to support, assist, or advocate, I personally believe.

People tell me, “It’s the 21^st century…get over the oppression…get over the trauma…get over the racism, as it no longer exists…get over it.” In 2016, I look in the mirror and I see a full-blooded Native woman starring back at me, who in late 1400’s, 1500’s, 1600’s, 1700’s, and 1800’s would have been sought out to be raped and murdered. My whole family, community, and tribe were meant to be slaughtered for dead, with no conscience. In the 1900’s, I would have been stolen, kidnapped, beaten, raped, sterilized, Christianized, acculturated/assimilated like a lot of my community, friends, and family members. In 2000, Native women are still being beaten, raped, and murdered, which could have included me.

In 2012, I was threatened to get kicked out of my higher institution of learning by the Dean of my department, although, I had a 3.9 GPA. I was in great academic standing and was in good accordance with the Graduate College doctoral provisions. I had to fight to stay in my program, although, I did nothing wrong, nor was failing any course at all. I still had to fight for a rightfully earned position, a doctoral student. I had to fight to earn my degree with everything I had. And in December of 2015, I graduated, but it was not easy, as I did not have the support of the higher up’s in my department.

As I type this, I am overwhelmed with grief, as a Native woman, and I cry to grieve tonight. I am angry, frustrated, stressed, confused, and feel a sense of loneliness and even hopelessness. But, I know this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress syndrome that is a result of historical oppression and trauma. Within historical trauma still lives grief that I encompass on a daily basis. It is also a result of still experiencing racism, discrimination, and sexism on a daily basis. Today, it erupted. I feel it. I see it. I hear it. I smell it. I taste it. I live it. I can never escape it, ever. Tonight, I cry for all the injustices that we have endured, we are enduring, and will endure moving forward.

 We can acknowledge it and try our best to address it. We can try our best to be strong 360 out of 365 days of it, but it’s days like this, it is okay to grieve, to cry, and to pray. As Native people we can move forward with mental, physical, spiritual, intellectual, environmental, social, and emotional strength. However,  after vulnerable moments like these, the strength arises. It comes back newer and stronger. It gives us that mindset to fight another day for me, for you, and for us. I write this piece because this is part of my life and it's important for people to understand all facets of it. 

P.S. I am not sure this is what ALL Native people and/or women experience. I am speaking solely for myself and what I experience living in Native urban America. To possibly have a relationship with a person like me, these are experiences that I endure. It does not make me weak or strong, but it makes me human.

Quick reflection

I love the saying that states “People may only be in your life for a season but they were there for a reason.” As I reflect into my relationships from 2015, some of them have to remain there, in 2015. This past year has been a tremendous year for me, as I have literally became Dr. Lee! I went to college for 14 years and earned 3 degrees prior to reach that title. I am very proud of my accomplishment(s) this past year and through it, there is a natural evolution that occurs. Some of your personal evolution can result in the sense that you also evolve out of certain relationships, and that is ok. I lost some friendships and/or relationships, but I’ve also gained new friendships and looking forward to starting a potential relationship. I definitely feel bad that certain people no longer serve a purpose in my life. But, that’s a part of this life game, I suppose. This new year I am looking forward to starting my journey as Dr. Lee, which involves working on the projects I want to work on, writing a business plan, and writing a book! There’s so much to look forward to in this world so let’s not get caught up in the coulda, woulda, shoulda in relationships, as you have many more fruitful relationships to look forward to! Again, some people were not meant to be in your life journey for the long haul, but you can appreciate the time they were there in the capacity you needed them to be there. With that being said my friends, I wish you the happiest NEW YEAR and I look forward to sharing my many more blogs with you in 2016. Cheers.

Letting go...

I was sitting alone broken-hearted. There was loud silence that filled the outside physical space as I starred at the walls in my apartment. I felt numb as tears rolled down my eyes. I felt helpless. So helpless that I felt I couldn’t control this empty-empty space I felt so deep that I felt it consumed my soul at that time. He was gone and he took my heart with him. I searched for answers but there were nowhere to be found. I searched for warmth but it was nowhere to be found. I sat in my apartment crying all alone with no family or friends in 200 mile vicinity to try to comfort me or to talk to. I was literally alone. All I could do was peel myself off the floor, get some cedar, smudge, and pray from the bottom of my soul as I cried. That’s the only way I knew how to deal with such pain my heart felt…was to pray.

That moment I described to you was a time years ago when I was going through my worst break-up I’ve ever had experienced thus far. You see, I was broken. I didn’t know how I would make it through that one, but years later, I reflect back, and I did. I couldn’t see through the clouds at the time…I just tried to make it minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day at a time. They say when you experience a break-up, it’s similar to mourning a loss, because you experience all the stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

This past Sunday, I was getting ready for NFL football, and I happened to switch it to the channel of Joel Osteen’s sermon. I never watch sermons or I never went to church. But the first few words of his speech caught my attention. He was talking about “dark places.” He said there are certain things you can only learn in the dark places. He said when he was experiencing his dark place, he never prayed so hard, in his life. He said those dark places are blessings, because they make you strong, you build character, therefore, they’re teachings. It is within those dark places that you practice your spiritual muscles in a deeper way. And those dark places make you who you are created to be. Also, he said if you feel you have lost something or someone, there is something new and better coming into your life to replace what you lost.

I reflect back to my hardest break-up and connect it to his (Joel Osteen) words. Through that dark experience, I learned a lot. Words can’t describe my teachings because there were so many. It did make me stronger. I bring all this up now to say I’m letting a certain individual go out of my life that I have let consume my energy for far too long. Although this division is not as intense as the break-up I first described, letting go of someone can still hurt. I posted this quote on FB earlier today, which stated, “The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.”

Everything we experience does not happen on accident. Whether good or bad, it is purposeful to lead you on your life path you are supposed to be on. I need to learn how to let-go of people who serve me no positive energy, maybe this is my teaching for the time being. If you’re going through a similar situation, remember it is all for the better. And while you may be hurting, it is preparing for something bigger and better.

This or that

First, I would like to apologize for not writing any blogs in a while. Between working, traveling, working on my dissertation, and having ME time, it seems like time runs away from me. I feel like I have not had any time to date either, or I am not even paying attention to potential suitors like that because I have way too much going on to even go there. However, of course, there's always that one person I need to get away from, but he always finds his way back into my space. Whether it is my mental space, emotional space, or physical space. But the thing is I LET him back in those spaces. I know this person is not serious about pursuing anything serious with me, because we have been down that broken road before. But, I keep having some expectations he'll confess his undying love for me and wants for us to truly work on things, but no, he doesn't. And I feel disappointed all over again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know better. I'm even tired of myself to be going through this merry-go-round of a situation that I know I don't deserve. Today, I posted a quote on FB saying "A man will only put in work for a woman he really wants." I came to the conclusion he doesn't want me. I am done playing these stupid mind games with ultimately myself, and on the latter note, with him. I feel like banging my head against the wall and saying "Stop being stupid-stupid-stupid-stupid!!"


THEN, while there's that guy who won't commit, there's one guy who has showed me he wants to commit. But, I invested more of my energy in someone who doesn't want to commit versus a guy who does? That doesn't sound right. Ladies, why do we do these things? The guy lives out of town and faithfully texts me daily, multiple times a day, or calls, and tells me things like: I'm proud of you, I support you, I think you're a great woman, You're beautiful (inside & out), I'm thinking about you, I like you a lot, etc...I saw this guy in person a couple of times and he's even more complimentary in person and those times, I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't know if I wasn't used to it or what, but I thought this guy can't be like this ALL the time. Well, months later, he is. He's never let up...not one day. If he has, it's only because I pushed him away a bit. Ladies, I clearly have a problem here. On one hand, there is a man who wants nothing further with me. On the other hand, I have a man who would probably want everything with me.

Hard to find an “Independent” Native Woman (Challenges of dating Native women, Part 4)

It was stated from a Native male that it is a challenge to find an “INDEPENDENT” Native woman. In my mind I’m thinking there are LOTS of us, as I biasedly thought of myself and all my Native female friends who are fierce. Then, I thought of the saying, you are your circle, so most of my friends are pretty, educated, have no kids, not married, and independent. I guess MY normal is not the norm outside of my circle. It got me thinking if there is really a shortage of us types of Native women out there?

 

This Native brother elaborated more and stated, “Native females tend to lean on their family for support and that I hardly see a Native woman who lives alone, away from family, and that deals with complex issues, such as family finances… they are linked up to their family, I have seen a lot of females try to be independent, but they can’t go against their parents or live freely without having to report back to their mom/dad. ”

–Navajo brother

 

Hmm…this Native male is stating plenty of Native women are extra dependent on their family for finances and emotional/physical support. I’m thinking that he is also saying it’s hard to date us because we constantly seek family approval or support on everything and that can cause disturbances in relationships/dating. I can understand that if we’re constantly including family opinions/thoughts into the relationship or our lives, then it’s hard to maintain a healthy relationship or a healthy sense of independence.

 He also stated, “There seems to be obstacles that hinder her forward mobility.  However, these obstacles are usually due to the Native female putting herself in predicaments all the time; you notice I didn’t mention anything about kids?? –Same Navajo brother

 Native women, what do you think he means that we put ourselves in predicaments a lot? Do we make poor choices that hinder our forward movement; bad relationships, too many baby daddy’s, ratchet-ness, etc…? Or are we our own worst enemies and we have; low self-esteem, low self-respect, low self-faith that we destroy ourselves before anyone else can?

He also stated, “I encourage women then again I have no pity, but seems like native women need encouragement. It is great if they overcome their predicaments that they face, however, they allow that situation from the past follow them into the future. These past experiences hinder a women’s ability to function without that reminder of a scar in order to become stable, become the person you want to be.”

 This statement says a LOT! He’s absolutely right that many of us women carry our past into our future. We carry negative thoughts/feelings into our future, which automatically makes our romantic partnerships unhealthy. We shouldn’t make our partner suffer because of someone else’s mistake. I must admit I have did this many times and it was the WRONG thing to do on my part. However, this Navajo brother is also talking about our past holding us back from being successful and independent.

 He also stated, “It’s how I view most native women trying to become successful, I see the struggle, always down to help out when they need me, but when they come up, they act like they never been there before.” –Same Navajo brother

 Ladies, do we act stuck-up, too good, boosie, “somehow” when we come up? I know we all paid our dues to become successful, but it’s good we check our attitudes sometimes, or apparently we should a lot according to the Native men and their observations and comments. I asked this Native brother, so what can we do on our part, and he stated:

 “I don’t think there is anything a female can do, she has to be herself, represent her family and morals in the upmost respectful manner, to respect her body, and to protect her path in life without having someone cloud or be forced to follow another person’s path.”

 

 

Indian Country is too small (NATIVE MALE PERSPECTIVE: Challenges of dating Native women. Part 3)

I’m onto my 3^rd piece of why it is challenging for Native men to date us Native women. A 3^rd theme is why Native women tend to fall for Non-Natives? A Native brother wrote “There are good/nice native men out there with a job, educated, and still no kids. How we are perceived by native women.” I know there are Native men out there who are employed, educated, and no kids, but my question is WHERE? I know Native men ask the same thing about us women too.

My assumption is we’re all out there, but could it be another issue the same person pointed out, “Everyone knows everyone, even being related. Indian Country is a small world.” To add on even more challenges, everyone knows someone in Indian Country, directly or indirectly. If you don’t know that person directly, you usually have a cousin’s boyfriend’s who knows that guy you’re dating cousin. Or your mom knows his cousin’s wife’s daughter. Us Natives like to measure up a few things about that person and assess:

1. This step is MANDATORY, especially in my tribe. I can’t speak for all ~562 federally recognized tribes, but if you’re dating within your tribe, in my case, Navajo, then you have to get that person you’re interested in CLANS. In my tribe, clans are a cultural way we identify our kinship with each other. We each have four clans: 1^st maternal mother clan, 2^nd paternal father clan, 3^rd maternal grandfather clan, 4^th paternal grandfather clan. If we have the same clans, then we could be closely related, or distant related, but dependent on how our relation is determined, that is how we start to greet the other. For example, if you have both the same first clans, then you’re closely related, and cannot date, PERIOD! If you have more distant clan relations, then it’s a possibility you can date. This first step has halted many Navajo people to move forward into a romantic partnership with each other, because they are essentially closely related. This is a huge challenge dating within our tribe.
    
2. The second step poses additional assessment. Your family will ask all these questions: What family does he/she come from? Does that person come from a good/bad family? Are his/her family alcoholics? Have a lot of family issues? Do they practice what type religion/faith in comparison with your family’s religion/faith? Does one person of that person’s family particularly “stick-out” in a positive/negative way? If so, what?
   Mind you, when these assessments occur, there may be a lot of questions asked and a lot of follow-up that occurs between your family and you. For example, your family will “get” more information on this person to ensure facts are right. Then, sometimes this involves another demon called “gossip.” Now, you go through all this between you and your family to deem this person as “datable” or “not-datable.” You see in Indian Country, family approval is usually necessary due to close family ties/relationship, and it’s hard to truly move forward with a person if your family doesn’t approve. Now, this is just a preliminary check.
    
3. In my own perception, I feel it is necessary to assess that person’s spirituality/faith. Usually, Natives are either “Christian” or they practice their cultural/spiritual faith. (**DISCLAIMER**I’m not saying this is so cut and dry, but majority of people fall into one or the other category, while you have some who practice other types of faith/spirituality or nothing at all.) In my perception, I find that if a Native is “Christian” and the other practices their own tribe’s cultural/spiritual practices, they are not compatible, because it clashes with each other one way or another.
    
   So, let me pull you back into the 3^rd theme of Native women dating non-Native men. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong either way, because each individual has the right to date who they want, but due to some of the factors I stated, these are some of the reasons why Natives date inter-racially. Also, this is a challenge for Native men to date Native women, because it seems that most of the inter-racial relationships occur among Native women. I observed that if there is an inter-racial relationship, it is usually the Native women (not men) who date outside their tribe and/or race. Therefore, I could see the challenges from a Native male context.
    
   To bring up even deeper challenges, a Navajo brother stated, “ [Native women} The ones who preach about culture, tradition, ways etc… but end up with non-Natives.” This statement addresses this brother’s challenge on when Native women who practice their tribe’s culture/spirituality date non-Native men. That is a real interesting statement because it is true. I am just that. I am a Navajo woman who practices my Navajo culture/spirituality, but yet, have been in serious relationships with non-Native men. This is a loaded statement and there’s a lot to write about this subject matter, which I will address on a separate blog about this sole subject alone. But, I’d like to hear what you Native women who practice your tribe’s culture/faith but date non-Native men. What do you feel about this statement? Or in general about why you chose or choose to date non-Native men?