Acknowledgement and Grief of Oppression in 2016

I came home and was literally crying and for no apparent reason. I just felt grief. I just felt overwhelmed. My eyes are watery as I type this and tears are flowing down my face. I know now….I have been having multiple meetings these past few days that are addressing social justice, which include the recent media activity. This past Monday, I saw White armed ranchers taking over the government building on national news. The national building consists of important tribal documentation, and they’re on tribal lands, while protesting that it is their land. There was a meeting on gender equality with the United Nations that I was late in “distance” attending, but I read the transcription/notes. I attended a community meeting with people who are fighting injustices to keep sacred sites of tribal documentation, artifacts, and sacred sites upheld. Then, I saw a movie titled, “Revenant”, which was of Leonardo DiCaprio getting revenge of a person who killed his Pawnee son. I am involved in many ongoing community dialogues to assist people of color to address injustices. It is my responsibility to support, assist, or advocate, I personally believe.

People tell me, “It’s the 21^st century…get over the oppression…get over the trauma…get over the racism, as it no longer exists…get over it.” In 2016, I look in the mirror and I see a full-blooded Native woman starring back at me, who in late 1400’s, 1500’s, 1600’s, 1700’s, and 1800’s would have been sought out to be raped and murdered. My whole family, community, and tribe were meant to be slaughtered for dead, with no conscience. In the 1900’s, I would have been stolen, kidnapped, beaten, raped, sterilized, Christianized, acculturated/assimilated like a lot of my community, friends, and family members. In 2000, Native women are still being beaten, raped, and murdered, which could have included me.

In 2012, I was threatened to get kicked out of my higher institution of learning by the Dean of my department, although, I had a 3.9 GPA. I was in great academic standing and was in good accordance with the Graduate College doctoral provisions. I had to fight to stay in my program, although, I did nothing wrong, nor was failing any course at all. I still had to fight for a rightfully earned position, a doctoral student. I had to fight to earn my degree with everything I had. And in December of 2015, I graduated, but it was not easy, as I did not have the support of the higher up’s in my department.

As I type this, I am overwhelmed with grief, as a Native woman, and I cry to grieve tonight. I am angry, frustrated, stressed, confused, and feel a sense of loneliness and even hopelessness. But, I know this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress syndrome that is a result of historical oppression and trauma. Within historical trauma still lives grief that I encompass on a daily basis. It is also a result of still experiencing racism, discrimination, and sexism on a daily basis. Today, it erupted. I feel it. I see it. I hear it. I smell it. I taste it. I live it. I can never escape it, ever. Tonight, I cry for all the injustices that we have endured, we are enduring, and will endure moving forward.

 We can acknowledge it and try our best to address it. We can try our best to be strong 360 out of 365 days of it, but it’s days like this, it is okay to grieve, to cry, and to pray. As Native people we can move forward with mental, physical, spiritual, intellectual, environmental, social, and emotional strength. However,  after vulnerable moments like these, the strength arises. It comes back newer and stronger. It gives us that mindset to fight another day for me, for you, and for us. I write this piece because this is part of my life and it's important for people to understand all facets of it. 

P.S. I am not sure this is what ALL Native people and/or women experience. I am speaking solely for myself and what I experience living in Native urban America. To possibly have a relationship with a person like me, these are experiences that I endure. It does not make me weak or strong, but it makes me human.