Domestic Violence

I recently had a meeting with the Department of Justice on Violence Against Indian Women, which prompted my thought process of this sensitive topic. Domestic violence is extremely high in our tribal communities. When I speak to other my non-Native friends, a lot of them have not witnessed domestic violence growing up. I am speaking about domestic violence between; males beating females, females beating males, men beating men (gay), and women beating women (lesbian) couples. When many people think of domestic violence, they think of men beating women and it stops there. I have witnessed domestic violence growing up and it took a toll on my life…even until now. How do we learn to heal instead of internalizing our hurt and recycling it among our partners? This is NOT okay even though it’s common in our communities. It seems as if our people think well it happens so nothing we can do about it and we use it as an excuse to accept it. I had to take a step back at myself and think about my angry outbursts upon my relationships and I know I did so many things wrong in those angry episodes. Now, I have to grow up and think this is NOT what adults do. I am a grown individual..so why do I act crazy sometimes?! I know my environment definitely molded my characteristics but I needed to step in and say that is not an excuse as to why I did/do certain things. At what point does ownership of our own feelings, experiences, emotions, and traits invade our soul to change? This topic is so sensitive to talk about but this conversation is needed. I have been involved in a physical abusive relationship before. It was not a good thing. I’ve been hit and I have hit back. Thank goodness I am no longer in one. Was this hard for me to say? Of course it was. No one needs to experience “love” in this form, whether if it is how you give love or receive it. Imagine being in a normal, healthy, and loving relationship with no verbal or physical abuse; whether you’re the abuser or the abused. Imagine you healed over the wrong doings you experienced or perpetrated among somebody else. Forgiveness; forgiveness towards yourself and your past is key. Forgive.

Females to be trusted around your man?

After a long stimulating conversation with a colleague (pretty much my entire afternoon) and personal experiences throughout my extensive dating life: SHADY ASS FEMALES WHO WILL HOOK-UP with your man behind your back no matter if that is your best friend, friend, acquaintance, or relative. I would like to believe most of my circle of people I surround myself by would have enough respect to not do this. However, looking back on my past relationships and experiences I can say that this is not true. I’ve had more than a handful experiences that I KNOW about (I don’t even want to think about the ones I am clueless about) when dealing with NATIVE females who are shady as hell.
Experience #1. I was dating Guy Z for about 7 years at the time. Everyone knew we were dating. I had this Friend X who I became close with and she became to know of my relationship drama. Me and Friend X would hang out, go to clubs together, and just became closer as I began to spend more time with her. Although she was not at close friend status, she was definitely someone I considered a cool friend to kick it with. There was a moment that me and Guy Z got into it and broke-up for a little while. There happened to be a gathering that myself, Guy Z (we were not talking at the time), and Friend X were all at the same place. Before me going into that establishment Guy Z and Friend X were kissing. I had no idea and walked into the establishment and did not see Guy Z but saw Friend X and greeted her normally because I did not know what happened between them. I left the establishment and some other friends of mine pulled me aside and asked “Do you know that girl (Friend X)?” I said “Yeah, that’s my girl.” Then, they asked me in a concerned manner “Like, your girl – girl?” I said “Yeah, , why?” “They said well your girl was all up on your man hugging and kissing him before you came.” Needless to say I was pissed off like a motha fucka..what a shady ass female! I didn’t see her and later that week I got a phone call from her and she said in a normal tone “Hey, s’up, howcome you haven’t called me?” I said “What do you mean why? You shady and I don’t deal with desperate ass bitches like you and if I see you on tha street you better run the other way because you were wrong and disrespectful.” Don’t get me wrong I was mad at him too and I dealt with that in my own way but the story is not about shady ass ex-boyfriends because right now it’s about shady ass females who do not know their boundaries.
Experience #2. I was talking to a Guy B and we were on the beginning of our dating journey. Basically, we were barely getting to know each other and liked each other a lot but not officially together. So, I had a group of Native people who were coming to town, which was: Cousin A, Friend B, Acquaintance C, and Girl D (who was Acquaintance C’s sister). I did not know Girl D who was a Native female and was about 37 years old. Guy B and I joined them at a restaurant and Girl D started to get a little tipsy and she started to flirt with him. At first, I laughed about it because I thought it was funny. Then, she started to get more flirtatious with Guy B as she drank more. She clearly saw me and Guy B holding hands and it was evident we were together. Eventually we left the restaurant and went to a bar/lounge atmosphere. Me and Guy B were sitting together and Girl D was talking about sex as she kept looking at him. At this point I started to get pissed, but Cousin A and Friend B told me to not get mad because she’s drunk. As me and Guy B were sitting there holding hands she got up, grabbed his hand to make him stand up, and tried to make him dance with her. He looked at me like WTF and politely stepped away from her and sat down by me. To end the night, Guy B and I dropped all of them back off at their hotel and (I didn’t see it) but Girl D tried to kiss my Guy B but he pushed her away. I was in the vicinity but she had the balls to really go there with him right near me? Guy B told me that as we drove away because he knew I would get pissed. Of course I saw Girl D the next day and checked the bitch while she was sober and needless to say she left and I never saw her again all weekend and even to this day.
My complex is why do females do that each other? My girl code is strict, meaning if you like a guy I automatically discard him and would never think of going there with him because you like him (whether he likes you back or not). I’ve had other random experiences with this situation but these are two primary examples of how an individual is quick to stab a Native sister behind her back to get hers. Where’s the respect? I figure these girls have such a lack of respect for themselves and others that they are desperate ass hoes! In reality…are most females like this? Who can you trust? My BFF told me one time, “I don’t trust any females, only you, and you are the only female in the world I can trust with my man’s number.” I may not be perfect but I know what basic respect and loyalty is as a female. Plus, I do not want your sloppy seconds because I can find my own man and don’t need to borrow yours. Shady females need to check themselves! Ladies, what do you think?

Tug-of-War

I continue to learn something about myself when trying to tell other people my story as to why I am the way I am and why I date the way I date. Sometimes when I speak I think “Wow, I just learned something about myself again.” I say this because as humans we are always growing and evolving each day whether we know it or not. This can be scary at times, especially being a Native female. You see, for me, growing up on the Rez, we are such humble and simple beings. Also, if you were born and raised on the Rez you know that change (internally and externally) occurs at such a SLOW rate, which is good and bad. I’m happy that we still keep our cultural traditions in tact and in that sense I’m glad that compared to other tribes we have not assimilated. We need to hold onto the core of who we are and I maintain that everyday. However, in terms of dating, career, and other things some tribal members may think us “young” ones may be too progressive as they would like. For example, for me I get confused many times because the heart of me is this little Rez girl who grew-up to be a young, professional female that currently lives in urban mainstream America. These two beings are always at odds with each other like a tug-of-war. This plays into my relationships because I struggle with wanting the most basic gifts in a relationship to having a list. On the Rez many men are unfaithful, abusive, unemployed, have lots of kids, and disrespectful. So, for myself, in the most simplest and humblest form I would like a man to be: faithful, respectful, honest, and love me for ME. However, this often conflicts with other things that are important as being educated, no kids, good income, tall, etc…which translates to more superficial things. I am in constant confusion because on one hand I want the most basic simple form of love then on the other I want the superficial crap too. Maybe I answered my own question because I would rather have a broke-ass dude who treated me great and that whole heartedly loves me than a dude who was financially stable who treated me like shit. Dealbreakers!

Deal-breakers

Deal-breakers

I know all us girls, Native or not, do have a list when it comes to finding a mate. However, have we thought about deal-breakers? For example, I went to Washington DC recently and caught-up on life stories among my wonderful, vibrant, ambitious African-American (Black) girlfriends. One is a lawyer and lives/works in DC area and the other is working on her Ph.D in Public Health and is a part-time instructor at her respective university (same as me) in Texas. All 3 of us do not have kids and are not married. So, we started having our usual conversation about MEN, specifically about deal-breakers.

Friend 1 stated that her mother worked like 5 jobs to keep her family housed and fed, while her father did not contribute. Therefore, her stance was that she would not care or it would not be a deal-breaker if her “husband” cheated on her (as long as he wore protection) but was financially stable and did not let his extra curricular activities with other females interfere with the money he was bringing home to her. She said because her mother slaved to take care of her home.

Friend 2 stated her father was financially stable but cheated on her mom all the time. Her stance was that she was fine with a man who made way less than her as long as he worked everyday AND did not cheat on her.

I stated that my father was financially stable and was not the most faithful man on the planet as well. Also, domestic violence where I come from is an epidemic. Therefore, I stated that I would marry a man who made way less than me in terms of income but he does need to be employed. Also, I would not deal with him cheating and being abused in any capacity because of how I grew-up.
This made me realize that everybody grew-up very different and each of us have deal-breakers and I got confused all over again. What’s your deal-breaker?

Conversation wth a young, Native Am. professional male

I recently met this Native male. He is tall, handsome, intelligent, asset to all tribal communities, well known in tribal communities, young (between age of 32-35), and is all about empowering Native people. In other words, he’s awesome and I truly commend him on all the hard work he’s doing on behalf of our tribal people. I respect people like him as an individual and Native brother because it’s rare to meet a Native dude who has their career going on like he does at a young age.

At dinner, I had to ask him his stance on dating/relationships because I rarely get the young, professional, Native male version. He said he “messes” with non-Native females but would never seriously date anyone other than a Native girl and sees himself with a Native girl. *Interesting I thought as I sat there with my dude who is not Native and I wondered what he was thinking as the Native dude spoke and I questioned my relationships as well.

Second night of dinner, I asked the Native dude again about relationships/dating, this time without my dude present but there were other Native females at the table as it was a group dinner. I stated that I’m tired of men (minority, especially Native men) who have done well for themselves but who have this “God’s gift to earth” persona because their one of few Native males who got their shit together. He said “I have the right to be picky”, which is true as anyone does. Also, he said, “I want to meet a Native female who’s educated, can carry an intelligent conversation, likes to travel, and does not exude DRAMA…and you think this would be easy to find but it isn’t..because I travel a lot in my job and I have brought my previous girlfriends along to my travels and when random females come approach me after a presentation I did my previous girlfriends start to get mad and say ‘oh this what happens all the time you travel?’…so many Native females have been affected by domestic violence that they are messed up…from growing up to especially their ex-boyfriends who verbally/physically abused them that they have a lot of baggage, which is drama…and I do not put up with drama and I am not the male to do this to any female but I have to say I did not put you through all the crap you have been through..,so as soon as they start acting in this manner I start to run the other way.”

Wow…I thought! This is true! Were always pointing the finger at males it seems. I never heard this from a Native male before, especially an accomplished one. Maybe us Native females (as stated previously in another blog) are way too jaded due to our past experiences with bullcrap men that we all categorize them in the same space. Ladies, what do you think???!

Ode to my Father who taught me the game of men and to be strong ass Native girl!

I don’t know how to feel about this. 99.9% of Black or Native men I have dated do NOT date White women (never have or never will) and I never would date a man that has did this consciously after a certain age because before I never really knew the dynamics of the “outside” world of my comfort zone, the REZ. I never knew such historical issues of oppression existed to the depth of existence it did and how it currently plays a huge part of our Native daily lives until I got extremely educated on disparities issues and lived outside the REZ. Although, I knew I was aware of the certain racial issues to a certain extent because my father would set me aside and let me know the best he could of the “outside” world. He would teach me the REAL history because he was educated, read my elementary/junior high school curriculum text books and tell me what was REAL and what was sugar-coated (my dad would sweat the crap out of my teachers/principles and they would be mad scared of him), he would tell me as a Native woman (minority female) how hard it would be for me in the REAL world so I got to get extra tough to deal with it with his Navajo teachings along the way. He taught me the importance of an education! He was mean and loving at the same time. Also, in addition he would tell me how men are in terms of relation to females; he would tell me what they think (tellin me all men want to do is have sex so you need to watch out, fuck them, do you, be a financially stable independent Navajo woman), teach and tell me their game, and taught me to never ever be that woman that is vulnerable and put up with any bullshit because my DAD taught me that. SO, this blog is about a man that taught me the game and how men are. My dad kept it real. He taught me how to street fight and how to box because he said you are my daughter and you have to defend yourself. He taught me how to drive in snow by taking me to a bare parking lot and driving fast in a car then me pressing on the break so the car would spin so I learned how to control the car if it got out of control. He taught me to watch politics and learn to be socially aware of current events. He taught me to be hard in a lot of ways by waking me up at 5 am every morning and run towards the east sun and pray with corn pollen. He taught me to be a strong Navajo woman as a male version, but also my MOM taught me a LOT as well. SO, this is an ode to my father but stay tuned for a strong Navajo woman (mother) who is my rock.

Part 1: Shortage of educated, financially stable, minority men?

Sooooo many of my friends say that want an “educated, financially stable, minority man, good credit, never been married, with no kids” to start with. When my Native friends say it, they are referring to Native men and when my Black friends say it, they are referring to Black men. Also, don’t let me get into “he has to be at least 6 ‘2’+, fine, nice teeth, faithful, funny, understanding, nice body, have swag, etc…” Ladies, you get my point! I personally think this man is IMPOSSIBLE to find.

Let me break it down to 3 case-study examples. No names will be stated for player code safety. Yeah, I honor the player code because you know WHY!

Guy #1. A family member of mine (obviously a full-blooded Navajo) who is in his 50’s, tall (6’3’ish), handsome (for his age), educated (Law degree obtained), financially stable, owns own house, good credit, divorced, 1 kid that left the nest, culturally knowledgeable, has swag (I am oblivious to it but I know his women do see it), and can build a house from scratch. Sounds like a catch? Well, if yes, then you and every woman around his age range also think that and he knows it!

Guy #2. My friend who is Black, in his 30’s, tall (6’4’ish), good-looking, owns his own house, good credit, educated (Bachelor’s degree obtained), no kids, and never been married. Well, I have to admit because I am so close to this person I cannot see his ‘swag’ because I am like his sister but other females he talks to does. I’m oblivious to it so I guess he does. Sounds like a catch? Well, if yes, then you and every woman around his age range also think that and he knows it!

Guy #3. A guy my friend once dated. I do not know him but know OF him. He’s full-blooded Native American (do not know tribe), in his 30’s, tall (6 ‘5’ ish), educated (Law degree obtained from Ivy League school), has swag, and handsome. I do not know about his kid status although I do not think he had/has any. Sounds like a catch? Well, if yes, then you and every woman around his age range also think that and he knows it!

Since I know Guys #1 & 2 personally I will elaborate more on their similar situations. They both date multiple women. Guy #1 has a main girl and Guy #2 has a semi-main girl.

I had a convo with guy #1 regarding one of his girlfriends I met in the past (whom I really liked) and this gal really loved him. This girl would call me and tell me how much she loves him. However, he did not feel the same. He was telling me how she would become clingy and he told her “Your not my girlfriend..there’s the door if you don’t like what I’m doing.”

I had a convo with guy #2 and he tells me that there are more options for him to find women with good head on their shoulders, educated, pretty, good credit, no kids, and drama-free than us women have to find men at his caliber. He told me because there is limited commodity of men like him that women are accessible for him.

***Okay ladies, I know how you feel because I felt the same way. I told him so much of MY thoughts/perspective/opinion on what he had to say but we will not go there for now because it takes away from my point of the story.

END OF PART 1 – Stay tuned for PART 2!!!