Tug-of-War

I continue to learn something about myself when trying to tell other people my story as to why I am the way I am and why I date the way I date. Sometimes when I speak I think “Wow, I just learned something about myself again.” I say this because as humans we are always growing and evolving each day whether we know it or not. This can be scary at times, especially being a Native female. You see, for me, growing up on the Rez, we are such humble and simple beings. Also, if you were born and raised on the Rez you know that change (internally and externally) occurs at such a SLOW rate, which is good and bad. I’m happy that we still keep our cultural traditions in tact and in that sense I’m glad that compared to other tribes we have not assimilated. We need to hold onto the core of who we are and I maintain that everyday. However, in terms of dating, career, and other things some tribal members may think us “young” ones may be too progressive as they would like. For example, for me I get confused many times because the heart of me is this little Rez girl who grew-up to be a young, professional female that currently lives in urban mainstream America. These two beings are always at odds with each other like a tug-of-war. This plays into my relationships because I struggle with wanting the most basic gifts in a relationship to having a list. On the Rez many men are unfaithful, abusive, unemployed, have lots of kids, and disrespectful. So, for myself, in the most simplest and humblest form I would like a man to be: faithful, respectful, honest, and love me for ME. However, this often conflicts with other things that are important as being educated, no kids, good income, tall, etc…which translates to more superficial things. I am in constant confusion because on one hand I want the most basic simple form of love then on the other I want the superficial crap too. Maybe I answered my own question because I would rather have a broke-ass dude who treated me great and that whole heartedly loves me than a dude who was financially stable who treated me like shit. Dealbreakers!