This or that

First, I would like to apologize for not writing any blogs in a while. Between working, traveling, working on my dissertation, and having ME time, it seems like time runs away from me. I feel like I have not had any time to date either, or I am not even paying attention to potential suitors like that because I have way too much going on to even go there. However, of course, there's always that one person I need to get away from, but he always finds his way back into my space. Whether it is my mental space, emotional space, or physical space. But the thing is I LET him back in those spaces. I know this person is not serious about pursuing anything serious with me, because we have been down that broken road before. But, I keep having some expectations he'll confess his undying love for me and wants for us to truly work on things, but no, he doesn't. And I feel disappointed all over again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know better. I'm even tired of myself to be going through this merry-go-round of a situation that I know I don't deserve. Today, I posted a quote on FB saying "A man will only put in work for a woman he really wants." I came to the conclusion he doesn't want me. I am done playing these stupid mind games with ultimately myself, and on the latter note, with him. I feel like banging my head against the wall and saying "Stop being stupid-stupid-stupid-stupid!!"


THEN, while there's that guy who won't commit, there's one guy who has showed me he wants to commit. But, I invested more of my energy in someone who doesn't want to commit versus a guy who does? That doesn't sound right. Ladies, why do we do these things? The guy lives out of town and faithfully texts me daily, multiple times a day, or calls, and tells me things like: I'm proud of you, I support you, I think you're a great woman, You're beautiful (inside & out), I'm thinking about you, I like you a lot, etc...I saw this guy in person a couple of times and he's even more complimentary in person and those times, I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't know if I wasn't used to it or what, but I thought this guy can't be like this ALL the time. Well, months later, he is. He's never let up...not one day. If he has, it's only because I pushed him away a bit. Ladies, I clearly have a problem here. On one hand, there is a man who wants nothing further with me. On the other hand, I have a man who would probably want everything with me.

Hard to find an “Independent” Native Woman (Challenges of dating Native women, Part 4)

It was stated from a Native male that it is a challenge to find an “INDEPENDENT” Native woman. In my mind I’m thinking there are LOTS of us, as I biasedly thought of myself and all my Native female friends who are fierce. Then, I thought of the saying, you are your circle, so most of my friends are pretty, educated, have no kids, not married, and independent. I guess MY normal is not the norm outside of my circle. It got me thinking if there is really a shortage of us types of Native women out there?

 

This Native brother elaborated more and stated, “Native females tend to lean on their family for support and that I hardly see a Native woman who lives alone, away from family, and that deals with complex issues, such as family finances… they are linked up to their family, I have seen a lot of females try to be independent, but they can’t go against their parents or live freely without having to report back to their mom/dad. ”

–Navajo brother

 

Hmm…this Native male is stating plenty of Native women are extra dependent on their family for finances and emotional/physical support. I’m thinking that he is also saying it’s hard to date us because we constantly seek family approval or support on everything and that can cause disturbances in relationships/dating. I can understand that if we’re constantly including family opinions/thoughts into the relationship or our lives, then it’s hard to maintain a healthy relationship or a healthy sense of independence.

 He also stated, “There seems to be obstacles that hinder her forward mobility.  However, these obstacles are usually due to the Native female putting herself in predicaments all the time; you notice I didn’t mention anything about kids?? –Same Navajo brother

 Native women, what do you think he means that we put ourselves in predicaments a lot? Do we make poor choices that hinder our forward movement; bad relationships, too many baby daddy’s, ratchet-ness, etc…? Or are we our own worst enemies and we have; low self-esteem, low self-respect, low self-faith that we destroy ourselves before anyone else can?

He also stated, “I encourage women then again I have no pity, but seems like native women need encouragement. It is great if they overcome their predicaments that they face, however, they allow that situation from the past follow them into the future. These past experiences hinder a women’s ability to function without that reminder of a scar in order to become stable, become the person you want to be.”

 This statement says a LOT! He’s absolutely right that many of us women carry our past into our future. We carry negative thoughts/feelings into our future, which automatically makes our romantic partnerships unhealthy. We shouldn’t make our partner suffer because of someone else’s mistake. I must admit I have did this many times and it was the WRONG thing to do on my part. However, this Navajo brother is also talking about our past holding us back from being successful and independent.

 He also stated, “It’s how I view most native women trying to become successful, I see the struggle, always down to help out when they need me, but when they come up, they act like they never been there before.” –Same Navajo brother

 Ladies, do we act stuck-up, too good, boosie, “somehow” when we come up? I know we all paid our dues to become successful, but it’s good we check our attitudes sometimes, or apparently we should a lot according to the Native men and their observations and comments. I asked this Native brother, so what can we do on our part, and he stated:

 “I don’t think there is anything a female can do, she has to be herself, represent her family and morals in the upmost respectful manner, to respect her body, and to protect her path in life without having someone cloud or be forced to follow another person’s path.”

 

 

Indian Country is too small (NATIVE MALE PERSPECTIVE: Challenges of dating Native women. Part 3)

I’m onto my 3^rd piece of why it is challenging for Native men to date us Native women. A 3^rd theme is why Native women tend to fall for Non-Natives? A Native brother wrote “There are good/nice native men out there with a job, educated, and still no kids. How we are perceived by native women.” I know there are Native men out there who are employed, educated, and no kids, but my question is WHERE? I know Native men ask the same thing about us women too.

My assumption is we’re all out there, but could it be another issue the same person pointed out, “Everyone knows everyone, even being related. Indian Country is a small world.” To add on even more challenges, everyone knows someone in Indian Country, directly or indirectly. If you don’t know that person directly, you usually have a cousin’s boyfriend’s who knows that guy you’re dating cousin. Or your mom knows his cousin’s wife’s daughter. Us Natives like to measure up a few things about that person and assess:

1. This step is MANDATORY, especially in my tribe. I can’t speak for all ~562 federally recognized tribes, but if you’re dating within your tribe, in my case, Navajo, then you have to get that person you’re interested in CLANS. In my tribe, clans are a cultural way we identify our kinship with each other. We each have four clans: 1^st maternal mother clan, 2^nd paternal father clan, 3^rd maternal grandfather clan, 4^th paternal grandfather clan. If we have the same clans, then we could be closely related, or distant related, but dependent on how our relation is determined, that is how we start to greet the other. For example, if you have both the same first clans, then you’re closely related, and cannot date, PERIOD! If you have more distant clan relations, then it’s a possibility you can date. This first step has halted many Navajo people to move forward into a romantic partnership with each other, because they are essentially closely related. This is a huge challenge dating within our tribe.
    
2. The second step poses additional assessment. Your family will ask all these questions: What family does he/she come from? Does that person come from a good/bad family? Are his/her family alcoholics? Have a lot of family issues? Do they practice what type religion/faith in comparison with your family’s religion/faith? Does one person of that person’s family particularly “stick-out” in a positive/negative way? If so, what?
   Mind you, when these assessments occur, there may be a lot of questions asked and a lot of follow-up that occurs between your family and you. For example, your family will “get” more information on this person to ensure facts are right. Then, sometimes this involves another demon called “gossip.” Now, you go through all this between you and your family to deem this person as “datable” or “not-datable.” You see in Indian Country, family approval is usually necessary due to close family ties/relationship, and it’s hard to truly move forward with a person if your family doesn’t approve. Now, this is just a preliminary check.
    
3. In my own perception, I feel it is necessary to assess that person’s spirituality/faith. Usually, Natives are either “Christian” or they practice their cultural/spiritual faith. (**DISCLAIMER**I’m not saying this is so cut and dry, but majority of people fall into one or the other category, while you have some who practice other types of faith/spirituality or nothing at all.) In my perception, I find that if a Native is “Christian” and the other practices their own tribe’s cultural/spiritual practices, they are not compatible, because it clashes with each other one way or another.
    
   So, let me pull you back into the 3^rd theme of Native women dating non-Native men. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong either way, because each individual has the right to date who they want, but due to some of the factors I stated, these are some of the reasons why Natives date inter-racially. Also, this is a challenge for Native men to date Native women, because it seems that most of the inter-racial relationships occur among Native women. I observed that if there is an inter-racial relationship, it is usually the Native women (not men) who date outside their tribe and/or race. Therefore, I could see the challenges from a Native male context.
    
   To bring up even deeper challenges, a Navajo brother stated, “ [Native women} The ones who preach about culture, tradition, ways etc… but end up with non-Natives.” This statement addresses this brother’s challenge on when Native women who practice their tribe’s culture/spirituality date non-Native men. That is a real interesting statement because it is true. I am just that. I am a Navajo woman who practices my Navajo culture/spirituality, but yet, have been in serious relationships with non-Native men. This is a loaded statement and there’s a lot to write about this subject matter, which I will address on a separate blog about this sole subject alone. But, I’d like to hear what you Native women who practice your tribe’s culture/faith but date non-Native men. What do you feel about this statement? Or in general about why you chose or choose to date non-Native men?
   
    
    
    

Native Women are Bitchy! (NATIVE MALE PERSPECTIVE: Challenges of dating Native women. Part 2)

This blog continues to open-up a dialogue about a recent question I posed on FB geared towards Native men and asked the question: Native men, what are some of the CHALLENGES & TURN-OFFS about dating Native women???!!!

 Part 1 of this blog referred to how Native men are concerned about Native women and alcohol consumption (partying, drinking too much, and acting a fool when drinking). What did you think about that my Native women? How did that make you feel/think/react? For me, it was an eye-opener! As a matter of fact, numerous comments the men made were definitely eye-openers for me. They were eye-openers because some of it was hard to swallow because I know it is TRUE, at least from my point of view and my personal experiences as being a Native woman…and some of it was not true from my own lens because I did not have the same personal experiences.

 Another major theme that was talked about was…now I do not know how to put this delicately ladies, but, in a nutshell, some men state among first interactions with us, we come off as plain “Bitchy.” Yup, JUST acting like a bitch! LOL I laughed at this because I know this is definitely true. Now, they did not say we ARE bitches, they said we ACT like it….there is a difference now, so do not get too upset with this statement. As a strong Native woman, I would be the first to react, but I did not, let me explain why.

 I know you ALL know that on-going joke we have about tribal employees, especially the women. We joke about the lack of customer service skills, which in laymen’s terms mean: they are not nice, they are rude, they are stand-offish, and they are unwilling to help. Now, this could reflect of what was previously stated about our approachability. We have all had these complaints; I know I have experienced this multiple times in multiple tribal offices. (**DISCLAIMER** Not every person who works in tribal offices and not every women who works in tribal offices acts like this!! There are plenty of nice ones who I have also encountered and worked with.)

 On the same note, a Navajo brother said “Native women are for the most part defensive when I meet them...I mean there is a difference between being strong-headed and being bossy and rude you know…just bitchy.” Just think about that statement! He said there is a difference between being strong-headed and being rude. That is very true. Ladies, we are not approachable and we somehow illuminate rudeness, some of us at least. Why?

 I remember when I was in elementary school at Ganado and my dad pulled me out of a class because my teacher was a Navajo woman who did not say to her class “Good morning” every morning. He transferred me into a classroom with a biliganaa’ (White) teacher who stated “Good morning” to us every morning. He said he did that because the Navajo woman did not have any social skills and did not teach it. He said the biliganaa’ woman had social skills and taught us. Therefore, he said I wanted you to learn good social skills.

 I feel now I have pretty good social skills. I can ignite conversations with anyone. I am not shy. I feel I am very approachable. So, when I see Natives here in Las Vegas, I make it a point to go out and greet them because that’s the cordial thing to do, especially if they are visiting the city I live in. About 60% of the time, the women are stand-offish, stuck-up, and rude. I always wondered why myself? And, I am not a man trying to hit on them! Imagine, if they are stand-offish towards me, imagine how they are towards men. Well, I guess they could be nicer, because some women are just plain catty.  

 Anyways, I think back to what my dad said. Maybe they were not taught good social skills? Maybe they do not know how to interact with people on a comfortable basis? So, is that why they come off as rude, stuck-up, or whatever?

 Another Navajo brother said, “Some women have no respect. I think the ones that look beautiful and extravagant, they are rude, the ones that are humble don’t always wear make-up...so to choose beautiful women over respectable women....” He meant that some Native women show little respect for everything. Then, he continued to say, “Like to respect everything and anything around them, like their grandpas and grandmas taught them, the young ones now days are not so kind. So, for me, I feel like Im in between the generation gap, the up and coming, and the past…most of my friends are 30-40, so the age I would be hating on are those 20-25.”

 I think it is fair to say that pretty women are not always going to be as humble as the less pretty women. It is the way of the societal grooming environments. But, the Navajo brother made another valid point. He said that the younger generation may be worse at being respectable to themselves and others! I’m in my 30’s and I have minimal interaction with Native women in their 20’s, except my family, who of course do not act crazy towards me because they are family. But, the Native brother notices a difference between women in their 30’s and in their 20’s. I guess this could bring up a whole other discussion.

 In conclusion, can us Native women be nice and cordial to people? Is that not what we were taught from our elders, culture, and community? We always talk about the word Ke’ (relationship/kinship to the people around us in a positive way) as part of our cultural practices, but yet, we do not practice it with each other or with other people? Nobody on the planet is too good to treat anyone with rudeness. Even if a Native male approaches us and we are not interested, you can still be polite about it. We should all practice Ke’.  

 

 

 

NATIVE MALE PERSPECTIVE: Challenges of dating Native women. Part 1

I posed a question on FB geared towards Native men and asked the question:

Native men, what are some of the CHALLENGES & TURN-OFFS about dating Native women???!!!

 There were multiple themes of challenges stated and I am not going to write it all in one blog piece. Therefore, there will be a few blogs on this topic. However, to start one of the MAIN themes I heard from this is Native women “party too much” and “drinks too much.” As one Navajo guy put it:

 “Kick the bottle... alcohol fucking up that divine native DNA... ... Fuck alcohol that shit isn't made for our DNA... Wild Cards=reckless, wacky, unpredictable... I'm still around friends that drink, I used to sip deep in the cutt... But, I'm too loc'd for the Devils piss... Natives drinking, straight genocide... Sucks, for the beer connoisseurs who are native... But the FIRE was made to kill us or keep us comfortable... I can only imagine how much more can be done for our people if natives kicked the bottle... Especially the high-powered G'z & Baddies... I got love for the them but to be in RELATIONSHIP is another story... #upgradedaily #upwardmobility… –Navajo brother

 He also stated:

“The flipside: I love dark beer like I love coffee & tea... But it stopped working for me... That urban decay put my DNA in a knot & didn't see it coming... All in due time tho... But native women: "the most beautiful thing in this world, is just like that...” –Same Navajo brother

 We Native women ALWAYS talk about our issues with Native men, particularly with alcoholism, but we hardly look at ourselves in this picture. It’s apparent that Native men are concerned with Native women and alcohol as well!!!!!! We partake in this issue as Native women. One of the Native men stated that it’s an issue of how we perceive Native men, such as stereotypes that we often have of them. This is true, I believe Native women do have stereotypes of our men, but we forget to look at ourselves within these stereotypes or how we may enable them. This is enlightening because who would have thought that alcohol would have also been a challenge for NATIVE MEN to date NATIVE WOMEN?

 The Navajo brother who responded with his distaste of alcohol also stated that it makes Native women wildcards, it makes us reckless, wacky, and unpredictable. Have you ever been to a Native bar or Native event and you see the Native couples arguing, especially when alcohol is involved? It’s very common. Maybe too common that we laugh and joke about a lot, or even call it “Rez Love.” He stated that alcohol isn’t made for our DNA. I assume he meant that we can’t handle it on certain levels or on any level. If you think about your relationships within your romantic relationships, family, and community…how often has alcohol negatively affected those relationships? I suppose it makes you think. I consume alcohol and I have gotten to analyze the negative effects it has played in my relationships. I’m not perfect, but I would like to think I have learned from my mistakes and am determined not to make the same ones again. Our Native men have valid points. We should hear them out as well, especially if we want to produce more healthy relationships within our communities. Well, stay tuned as I write more about this topic because Native men apparently have multiple challenges when it comes to dating us, LMBO.

 

 

 

 

Native male stereotypes

I was told by a friend NOT to date Native men. I asked her “Why?” She stated this: “Insecurities! Cycles of domestic violence and alcoholism! Geez need I say more... Haha! Mamas boys in a negative fashion! Liars and cheaters! Not all but some! Most native men have created this reputation for themselves but there is that few that live a great life and will treat u good....”

 I have seen my fair share of some of these stereotypes, especially alcoholism and domestic violence. Statistically speaking, Native women suffer the most from intimate partner violence out of any other women in the U.S. There is a town near the Navajo reservation called Gallup, NM and that town has the highest rate of alcoholism per capita in the U.S. Therefore, statistically speaking these numbers may have proved that some of these stereotypes are true. But, I also have known Native men who do not drink or abuse their women. But how many are alcoholics and contribute to high rates of intimate partner violence versus those who do not? Or, how about those men who drink, not essentially a lot, but cannot handle their alcohol and start acting a fool? They want to fight everyone and alcohol does not fit well with them…I have seen lots Native men like that!! That is a turn-off.

 But, I feel that I am not one to speak on this because I have not seriously dated Native men in my adult years. But, I have lots Native male relatives and friends and I would say, from what I personally know, most of them are not alcoholics or abuse their women. Although, I do know of some who are and some who have.

 However, I do know a lot of Native men who do cheat and lie! I live in Las Vegas and see many of whom are in relationships that come here and straight up lie and cheat, especially during large Native events (i.e. Indian National Finals Rodeo, National Finals Rodeo, RES Conference). However, do you feel most men have cheated or lied, regardless of race/ethnicity? I have experienced and heard of many cheating episodes in my lifetime that involve Native men.

 Maybe that is why I sub consciously chose to fray away from dating Native men for a while. In addition to that, I could not find one that I was heavily attracted to. I have been thinking about this a lot because I had a conversation with my mom and she said, “I got scared. There is someone we know who’s daughter is half Navajo/half Black and she married a Black man. So their child will only be ¼ Navajo. What if you marry someone of a different race? My grandchild will be ½ Navajo, then they marry a non-Native, then my great grandchild will only be ¼ Navajo, and so on. And that really scared me. “ I agreed with her and I said “It scares me too.” I think maybe that’s why I haven’t had children yet, because I think about things like this all the time. Do I go back to dating Native men because there are important traits, such as blood quantum, culture, etc..that I need to keep intact? Do I put some of the stereotypical concerns aside? It can be confusing, stressful, and concerning. I don’t want to be with a Native man that has so much stereotypical baggage, plus I want him to be tall, good looking, traditional, hard-worker, educated, fit into all parts of my world(s), and doesn’t have lots of kids. That kind of sounds like a unicorn. I think I’m just somehow right now.

Native Imposition

It’s been a while since I “talked” to someone of my own race/ethnic background. At the time, I found it refreshing and enlightening…and sooooo comfortable. So comfortable in a sense like, you’re at home comfortable. Comfortable in the context that you don’t have to explain anything to the person because you already know, no explanations on: Being Native, Rez life, culture, spirituality, ceremonies, pow-wow,  frybread, and my list goes on, but you get the point. There was a certain space in my mind that thought this makes sense because for a split second things just seemed “easy.” I thought, “How come it took me a long time to think about dating Native men again?”

THEN…*sigh* things were not so simple. I am not sure if you ever felt like this or experienced this… because I am not SURE if I felt like this because I haven’t dated a Native dude in my adult years. Yeah, I dated them when I was a kid in high school and my early twenties, but never as a true adult. Throughout this particular experience, I found out that  I set higher than average expectations from Native men than I do for non-Native men. I set higher expectations because I know how that person was raised, you see he was raised by a Native mother, and I know she taught him great things, because I too was raised by a Native mother. I know how a Native man is raised because it was probably similar to my environment, family, culture, etc.. You see when I date men of other racial/ethnic groups; I am not sure how they were raised, because I am not of that racial/ethnic group. But, I do know they have different cultural, spiritual, and family backgrounds than us Natives.

 So, when something from his end went wrong, I felt more disrespected and disappointed because that situation came from him, a Native man. I felt more let down than normal because I had higher expectations from him as a Native man. I thought to myself, am I being dramatic? Am I being too hard on him? Is this fair to him that I expected more from him than another person? I questioned myself numerous times, but the outcome of my answer was “No.” And, I felt like this because my father is Native, and my dad/brothers/uncles/male cousins/male friends wouldn’t do anything to disrespect or hurt me, so I didn’t feel bad for my dramatic imposition. I did, however, feel let down by this person from a deeper perspective due to our cultural/spiritual/familial/communal background because in my opinion, he knows better, but didn’t act like it.