Sloppy Seconds

I met a guy around the time I first moved here to Vegas. He originally lived in the east coast but would come to Vegas for work frequently for months at a time. He was tall, dark, handsome, polite, educated, well-dress/groomed, and had a very good job. We would go out on dates and hang-out. He wanted more but I just wasn’t ready but I enjoyed his company nonetheless. But, every time he came back to Vegas for work, we would always meet up and kick it. He told me he was divorced and had a daughter. At one point I thought I should give this dude a real chance.

 

THEN, I got a phone call and it was this dudes WIFE. Like, he was full-on married! However, even if the case were if a man was separated, going through a divorce, etc..he was still MARRIED at the end of the day. I talked to his wife, didn’t rat him out, but assured nothing was going on between us because although we kicked it, nothing serious was happening.  I immediately texted the dude and told him he was the scum of the earth, he’s a liar, I feel bad for his wife, and to never-ever..ever-ever-ever contact me again because he disgusted me!!!! He left me alone for about 3 months and then he texted me again saying I was the most amazing woman he ever met and he still wanted to be a part of my life. I looked at my phone and thought “BYE FELCIA.” I never responded.

 

I don’t know if it’s just me or I presume to be judgmental but why would I want another woman’s man?! Ewww. I’d rather be single. I don’t want to be your “sloppy seconds.”  Also, I have been cheated on before and that sucks. I wouldn’t want to partake in any type of situation where someone may get hurt because it happened to me before. I understood that prior to me knowing he was married was not my fault because I had no idea. But, after that phone call, after me finding out he was married, it become my responsibility to walk away, because he obviously wasn’t responsible/respectful enough to make that decision. But I was.

 

I don’t understand women who WANT to date/talk to/mess around with men who are in a relationship (married or not) when they know he is. Don’t worry ladies, I am not forgetting about who the REAL asshole is in this situation, it definitely is the man in the relationship, and I didn’t forget that. But, as females aren’t’ we enabling him to treat other women like this if we know he’s in a relationship but still continue to date/talk/mess around with? Where is our self-esteem to know we can find a man who is not taken? Where is our self-confidence to know we deserve better? Where is our self-respect as Native women, to know this is wrong? Where is our dignity? I mean are we sometimes that desperate to need attention that bad that we feel we can ‘borrow’ it for the time being?

 

Not to mention, if he leaves her to be with you, would you trust him? Because if he cheated on his ex with you, who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you with another girl? The relationship already started off with bad energy, lies, deceit, and disrespect.

Awareness

I have been in contact recently with a few relatives/friends who are enduring break-ups. I refer them back to my previous post to read a great perspective on “love lost.” However, from my end, I reflect back on my life and my “single-ness” I’ve had over this past ~1.5 years since my last break-up. There were times where I felt lonely and somber and missed being in a relationship. There were times I missed my ex, but not in the context of the “relationship” aspect, but more of the “friendship” aspect I realized later. Reflecting back I am so happy that both my ex and I got out of an unhealthy relationship because neither of us was truly happy. He deserves to be happy and so do I. Because that’s what life is supposed to be about, you’re supposed to be happy more than sad/disappointed/stress/miserable. So when we find ourselves in situations that harbor more negative feelings than positive ones, then it’s time for us to re-evaluate the situation and find the strength somewhere to leave it. It’s not always going to be easy and it’s not always going to be what we want, but sometimes we have to look way deeper inside and decide what is best for MYSELF.

 As Natives, when we reflect back into ceremonies, especially puberty/initiation ceremonies, which are arranged at a point in a young man/woman’s life to teach them about responsibility. The elders lecture the young men and women about certain aspects of their future responsibilities; responsibility to self, family, and community. But, most importantly our teachings talk about our responsibility to ourselves. At the same time, the entire growing up of the child has been a learning experience, a lesson in responsibility. Because in the end, you are alone-that is, you have to make decisions for yourself, decisions that will affect yourself, family, community and the natural world. Therefore, personal awareness is at the heart of responsibility: to be aware of what is going on around you and what life holds in store for you-all of life’s possibilities throughout your life to old age. This is a Native way of teaching. Let me repeat, personal awareness is at the heart of responsibility: to be aware of what is going on around you and what life holds in store for you, all of life’s possibilities throughout your life. This is a powerful statement and a teaching from the Luiseno tribe. We all have to be personally aware of our surroundings, not just physical, but emotional/mental/spiritual as well. Are we in spaces and places internally, as well as externally, that are healthy? If not, what can I do to change it? How can I bring back that harmony to my spirit, mind, heart, and body?

 As for me, I left a relationship or the relationship left me. Either way…it ended. Currently, I un-expectantly met a man who treats me with respect, honesty, and love. I exude positive and healthy feelings from him, and in return, I am aware WE are mutually in a healthy and loving relationship. This is something I’ve never been in before, a healthy relationship. There are; no games (never have, even since Day 1), no questions, no curiosity, no lies, no cheating, no verbal/mental/physical abuse, no taking advantage, no blaming. I am in awe of such an amazing man that came into my life and made me believe that good men exist and healthy relationships exist. I am happy.

-Crystal Lee

Lingering Break-Ups and Moving On

Have you ever been in a relationship that your heart was not ready to let go? However, logically speaking your mind knew that the relationship was not uplifting you in any capacity but rather debilitating? You know you should let go and move on, you know it! But, somewhere you’re still holding on emotionally and mentally, maybe even physically. I just had an epiphany yesterday that this is me. I’m still trying to get over a relationship and I believe I hid my feelings under a rug or keep trying to bury it in a shallow space that keeps re-surfacing. I go in roller coaster cycles, sometimes I’m doing great and sometimes I realize I’m in a funk. But what’s keeping me in this space? I forget not to be so hard on myself sometimes because I guess this is part of the healing process. I have to believe that time will heal all my lingering emotions and wounds. I have to believe that one day all this will leave my inner space and because I’ve been through break-ups before, I know it will. I came across a piece that stated it best about relationships ending and it’s beautiful so please read below:

 

“The last words we speak to a loved one can color a whole relationship, leaving a sour taste in ones mouth where there could have been only love... even when we close a relationship, if we can close it with love, we can acknowledge the gifts we received, the experience we gained, allowing for the healing process to begin and quicker resolution for all involved...

 

 In the accelerated consciousness so many of us move quickly through relationships, so its important for us to understand the nature of closure from a spiritual perspective. As the lessons are learned and the karma cleared, many Souls choose to part company and move on to another chapter. This has nothing to do with failure, or with one person or the other being the bad guy, even if the universe may choose to assist us in moving forward by creating some drama or event. The event is often just a cue that the time has come to pack ones bags and move onto a new level of learning, alone or with another Soul.

 

 Relationships end for all sorts of reasons but often they end because we have been successful in learning what our two Souls came together to learn. Closing relationships with love, with honor for all that was gained, is therefore a wonderful way to acknowledge the gift of the completed relationship at the Soul level. It allows us karmic completion, the gift of an open heart and the readiness for what lies ahead. As we respect each other Soul to Soul, as we see each other from the Soul level, we can acknowledge the blessings, and move on.

 

 This does not mean that there are not tears or grieving. At a very human level, we grieve the companions that we leave behind on the road. Every time there is a separation, at a very human level there is grief, because on this plane, we long for the eternal closeness that we have as Souls. Because at the Soul level, nothing ever ends and our love is eternal and something in us feels cheated by the temporary separation of the earthly realms, as we are called to sever ties and move on.

 

 And then there is the tender inner child. Inner children do not understand the need to move on. They bond and want to keep the bond. And if our inner children have suffered the pain of separation from their parents, and carry abandonment wounds or rejection/neglect wounds from childhood, these separations can become very painful indeed. It is at these times that we are called to do deep inner work. It is at these times that we have the opportunity and the need to reach for the wounds within and heal all that is hurting inside. So that we may finally heal the old and close old chapters of hurt for good.

 

 Ironically this may be the very gift endings, even the bad ones. As every unhealed wound we carry inside is a blockage to the love that we can feel, can express and can give in our completeness. Every wound that we carry is a barrier to the expansion of the heart chakra into all that it can be. So a broken heart can indeed break us open, if we refuse to wall up, but dare instead to embrace the intensity of the pain. If we dare to not defend our heart, but rather open it so we may feel all of it, the old and the new pain, and cry until we are cleansed to the core.

 

 And sometimes endings are not really endings, but pauses, during which we part for a while to learn more about ourselves, carry out more of our mission, develop individually what we can’t develop together. At other times endings wind down slowly, usually when the lesson is not quite complete and some karma still remains to be cleared. At other times yet, the ending has occurred, but still much processing happens, months after the fact, as we integrate all that was learned or meditate on what went wrong. In the latter case, what we are doing is healing and taking stock. Something inside really got stirred up by the experience with this other and some time is needed to make sense of it all and patch up all the pieces torn asunder, so we may get clearer about who we are, what we need, and evolve into a different stage of life, often by pointing the arrow of our intention in a new direction.

 

 Relationships for many is how we evolve. We bond, we love, we exchange reflections with another, we discover about ourselves. In the initial phases of life, relationships are almost always exercises in inner child healing and karma balancing. But as we evolve, they become the pathway through which we get to see and reclaim parts of our Soul. And if it is in our contact to be with another so called Soul mate, we eventually get to travel in balance for a while, deepening the extent to which we can love. Opening further and further, daring to get more and more vulnerable, so that the light of the divine can shine through our transparent hearts in a sacred union with another.

 

 But even in this instance, sometimes the chapters of love are more than one. Just because we had a soul mate and completed with that Soul, this does not mean that we will not have another and experience Soul Love again. As in truth at the Soul level, we are all one, all a reflection of another. There are so many ways in which we can experience Soul level love. So many Souls with which to create infinite symphonies of love and with whom to bond.So many variation of expression as no two Souls are the same and the blending potential is infinite in its promise. Know that there is never a separation between Souls that does not happen by Soul agreement. If your relationship has completed, allow for the grieving to occur, but do not mistrust the rightness of what is occurring and do not feel that doors are closing in unfair ways. If the door has closed, it’s for the highest good that it has. And a new door will open when enough healing has occurred for it to be the right time.

 

 If you are grieving the departure of a loved one, ask for the love of the divine and cosmic realms to come and patch up your heart and inner child so you may expand and eventually love more. If you are angry about the unfairness or betrayal of another, ask for healing and work towards accepting what is and moving on. How others treat you is their karma, but how we react is ours. Strive to find peace and acceptance and eventually forgiveness for what has occurred. Remember that even when communication breaks down, it is always possible to heal relationships at the Soul level, by talking Soul to Soul. Intend for the healing to occur and it will. Aim towards harboring no resentment, after the initial natural anger has passed.

 

 But most of all treat yourself gently during this phase. Give yourself the love the Earth plane is temporarily denying you and treat yourself with tenderness and compassion. Take whatever time you need to grieve and heal. As you up yourself love and hug your inner child in this way, your love attracting potential will increase, bringing to you someone that loves you just as you are, with all your vulnerabilities, just as you now love yourself. It is something to look forward to indeed.

 

 May you be cleansed, healed and transformed by your endings. May your heart grow larger and more beautiful.  May your Soul grow wiser and more forgiving. May your self love and self acceptance grow supreme. And may you soon be ready to love again, with even more wisdom and passion, knowing that shedding people and skins is a very natural consequence of a fast evolving path.

 

 May you thrive in beauty.

 

 Namaste.”

 

(http://cosmicperspectives.blogspot.com/2010/07/soul-relationships-endings.html)

How Can We Rise?

Why do we hate amongst each other instead of congratulate? I have so many peoples of mine who are non-supportive….these are real situations going on in my community. Why is that? How come we cannot at times thoroughly support each other? How come we either ignore the accomplishments of our friends/families/peers and act sideways? Is jealously that deep? That raw? As Natives, we are so far and in between, but we have to hate that deep? Oh she pretty…..we don’t like her. Oh she educated…..we don’t like her. Oh she dresses well….we don’t like her. Oh she has a nice body….we don’t like her. Oh she not Native enough……we don’t like her. Oh she this and she that and whatever! Get over it! Stop hatin! Your sister probably awesome. Your cousin probably awesome. Your friend probably awesome. Everyone probably awesome. Maybe you may say she is but by you not supporting also means something. I personally support all my peoples and all my sisters, brothers, fam, and friends who are doing wonderful things because they deserve it!! Have I had the same virtue…it’s relative. Regardless I still love they hatin selves. I would give them the shirt off my back but I question if they would do the same? I support my people. Sometimes I wish they do the same. It's a negative epidemic ongoing in our communities. It’s cool, I know who does care, and that’s all I need. I know who loves me. Supports me. Someone important told me that a lot of people close to me are not real, they will criticize me behind closed doors, want me to not be successful, and are not supportive. That person told me to have thick skin. That person told me they love me, no matter what. Real talk. This all sensitive talk tho and I believe a lot of people may feel uncomfortable with this conversation. We hold ourselves down a lot of the times instead of uplift each other. If the people close to you choose to criticize you and not support you, no matter who they are, keep it moving and DO YOU! Life is too short for all this unnecessary drama. Regardless if it's family, friends, or whomever....Just another one of the challenges us Native women go through. The crab syndrome: meaning when you try to get out of a bucket all the other crabs try to pull you back down. It seems sometimes our own Native peeps don't want us to succeed. 

A male BFF

I have a male best friend. We became best friends because I met him through a former bestie of mine (me and that former bestie are no longer friends) and they used to date, kinda. My male BFF lives in the south and when I temporarily lived in the south he helped me out a lot by; taking me grocery shopping (I did not have a car), cooking for me, staying at his house on weekends, doing my laundry at his house, taking me to his buddy’s cookouts, etc. From that point on our friendship grew extra tight. I started calling him a LOT so he could give me relationship advice about all the knuckleheads I was dating. In fact, I still call him for random advice. He knows everything about me from my best to my worst! He’s college educated, tall, handsome, employed with a 401(K), good credit, no kids, and a homeowner. Sounds good on paper, right? We have lightly talked about how male/female friendships are difficult because someone may be attracted or develop romantic feelings for the other person. In reality, can you be best friends with the opposite sex if you’ve met them after the age of 25? I can understand if you’ve been friends since childhood, but if you’ve met in adulthood, then can true friendship exist without any of the romantic intentions? Or eventually will someone think or feel something outside those friendship boundaries? Last night I called my male BFF and asked him if he loved me (not in a romantic way but as a friend) and mind you, my male BFF is NOT a expressive man, in fact, he’s kind of emotionless. He told me, “Yes Bushy, I love you.” I was actually shocked he answered my question (lol) because we’ve been friends for 8 years and he rarely verbally expresses any kind of sentimental emotions. However, his actions do show he cares about me because I call him all hours of the night with a 3 hour time difference between us and he almost always answers my phone calls. He'll listen to me cuss, cry, vent, and blabber. Sometimes I talk about girl stuff and I wonder why he'll stay on the phone with me for as long as he does because he's a dude, and dudes don't normally do this, especially guys like him. I think we’ve both thought at some point “what if” we both crossed the line? Would our friendship be the same? Of course not, because once those lines have been crossed, then that door will always be open. I can’t imagine losing our friendship. I don’t want to put our friendship in jeopardy by doing/saying something that will make it awkward.

Dialogue between me, myself, and I.

This dialogue is not about a dialogue between me and a dude, but it’s strictly between me and myself and MAYBE between me and my community. As many of you may or may not know my tribe is going through some turmoil. In a nutshell, we are amidst of our tribal candidacy to elect the future Navajo Nation President and one of the main criteria is that the candidate speak fluent Navajo, which is our tribal law. One candidate is deemed as a young, innovative, educated man, but does not speak Navajo. The other is deemed as older, not with the times, a failed tribal leader being a previous Navajo Nation President, but speaks Navajo. Today my tribal court system stated the younger candidate cannot run for Navajo Nation Presidency due to his lack of speaking fluent Navajo. This has granted and enhanced a lot of dialogue. Personally, it is not about politics in my opinion.

In my personal position I have similar credentials as the young man who is running for tribal president. I am about to receive a Ph.D, passionate and knowledgeable about many issues facing our nation, experience in addressing such issues, and can definitely speak the “White” man language in an articulate demeanor, etc... However, would I never consider myself a true leader? I answer my own question as “No.” I only state this because I know where my weaknesses lie. In terms of being a tribal leader, bottom line is I do NOT speak fluent Navajo. I have recognized this as a huge barrier of granting MYSELF a true leadership position in a lot of capacities…not on anyone else’s standards, but merely my own. One time I went home and my cousin asked me, “How can you be a true leader if you do not speak the language? When you go into ceremonies and the songs and prayers and teachings are spoken, how do you interpret, understand or dialogue?” I cried. I was hurt. Even now I cry because she is right. I’ve also heard a lot in White man’s education that the fastest way to kill a culture is kill the language first. This made me think as to why the U.S. government stripped a lot of languages in Indigenous communities, because they knew it would eventually kill the culture and was a smart move on their part because it worked. In essence you cannot have culture without language. Language and culture are interchangeable. How can you speak to the world as a Native person if you cannot speak to yourself, family, water, mother earth, sky, animals, and our ancestors innately if it’s not in our own language? Language is medicine. Culture is our medicine.

In my heart and I will look at myself first in the mirror everyday and say to anyone who cannot speak their own language is probably not fit to be a leader, including ME.  A leader is speaking on behalf of the people, especially in our tongue. A leader WANTS to do that and will commit to it, because language is THE one thing who holds us true to WHO we are. It is the one thing that people cannot take away. It is the one thing that keeps us Native. It is the one thing that we communicate to not only humans but to our surrounding world, such as trees, plants, earth, etc..that keeps us balanced. It is what makes us Navajo. I, myself, even as a young Native professional would never think of myself as a leader. I have told my family (mom/dad/grandparents) that I do not speak the language fluently and that has been my biggest downfall. I have been humble enough to recognize that if and if I ever want to run for any leadership position that I have to challenge myself to learn the language….because in true essence OUR language is the heart of our spirit, our people, our communities. I am not writing about politics but I am writing about this to challenge me, you, and everyone to say that as YOUNG NATIVES we need to learn our language! It is vital to sustain our livelihood. As any true leader we should lead with the heart of our people, we should think about the spirit of our people and our ancestors, we should acknowledge with humility our weaknesses, and admit to them, only to better ourselves, so then we can in turn better our nations. This translates to us as to better our relationships intrinsically that will ultimately have a positive impact on all relations. My two cents anyway. 

Native Sacrifice

I talk a lot on my blog about being an educated, single, Native American woman. My birthday is coming up soon and will be around my mid 30’s. I reflect on my life and I think was my sacrifice worth it? I cannot truly answer that question with confidence. I only did what was instructed of my elders and my parents, which was to get an education no matter what. However, there was a cost associated to that. I think they did not think of the under hidden costs nor did I. For instance, right now I am crying my tears away yearning for family; my family at home or maybe one I could have created with a husband/child now, but I did not because I am too consumed with a goal. Being away from the reservation I frequently yearn for my family: I cry, I want to go home, I yearn for home, I cry alone because I think of home, I burn cedar, I pray, I go through so much alone that my family does not know of because I do not tell because I do not want them to worry based upon a goal that my grandparents, aunts/uncles, parents told me was important as a young kid. They told me you NEED to get an education for so many factors; to help you, your family, your community, Natives, Indigenous peoples, etc. I took their advice to heart. I sacrificed a lot doing it as well. I was the first grandchild of both my maternal and paternal families to pursue a Ph.D. I had to leave the REZ (Navajo reservation) in order to do so. Since I left I lacked learning so many Navajo cultural traditional teachings; songs, prayers, language, way of life. Now I lack many of those things to learn the “White” man’s way. I am about to excel in the White man’s world and I have with so many degrees behind my belt. However, I feel in a way my family is proud but in another way I feel they look at me different, in a way that is a person who does not wholly know or practice the Navajo way. Regardless, I feel I let them down in some form or fashion. My cousins and family make fun of me at times, not to hurt me intentionally (but it does) but to laugh about the way I pronounce Navajo words or how I lack language or do not understand it at times. That hurts me. About how I lack knowledge of Navajo practices. I feel lost because I pursued a path that was envisioned for me but yet I am also “chastised” for it at times. I am torn. Should I have stayed on the REZ? Should I have learned so much Navajo culture/language/tradition that is needed and education in comparison is not as important? I do not know! I feel I failed in a LOT of those areas and I exceled at some.  I cannot be in both places at once. I cannot. What to do? I know they are extremely proud because I will be the first Dr. in either families. I know they brag about me! But, as a Navajo woman I sacrificed a lot in order to be the educated one. I have endured a lot (institutionalized racism to start). White people also look at me and tried “kicking” me out of a higher education institution for unjustified reasons, even though I had a 3.9 GPA and I had to fight there too. I am fighting all the time I feel. At times can I just stop fighting? Can I stop fighting institutionalized racism or my community to just be ME?!! I feel at times do I belong here or there? My life is not perfect. Maybe people think I am “living THE life” by being single and doing me. I am doing well and it’s great because I am following what my family has prayed for…to be a future Dr. in the family, which is a HUGE accomplishment. However, this path is lonely. It is lonely because you are creating a path of your own for you, your family, and maybe future Native peoples. Right now, it feels super lonely. It is a sacrifice. It is scary. It is confusing. It is needed. I am walking alone. It involves blood, sweat, and tears…as I am bleeding, sweating, and crying now. This is the cusp of it so imagine bringing a relationship into this? Will most men understand (Native or non-Native)? Us Native women go through so much to prove ourselves....men do have it easier because you are men. One thing my father always told me and prepared me for was ... "You are always going to have it harder than anyone else because you are Native (minority) and you are a female...so I have to prepare you for a tough life." It is.