Native Sacrifice

I talk a lot on my blog about being an educated, single, Native American woman. My birthday is coming up soon and will be around my mid 30’s. I reflect on my life and I think was my sacrifice worth it? I cannot truly answer that question with confidence. I only did what was instructed of my elders and my parents, which was to get an education no matter what. However, there was a cost associated to that. I think they did not think of the under hidden costs nor did I. For instance, right now I am crying my tears away yearning for family; my family at home or maybe one I could have created with a husband/child now, but I did not because I am too consumed with a goal. Being away from the reservation I frequently yearn for my family: I cry, I want to go home, I yearn for home, I cry alone because I think of home, I burn cedar, I pray, I go through so much alone that my family does not know of because I do not tell because I do not want them to worry based upon a goal that my grandparents, aunts/uncles, parents told me was important as a young kid. They told me you NEED to get an education for so many factors; to help you, your family, your community, Natives, Indigenous peoples, etc. I took their advice to heart. I sacrificed a lot doing it as well. I was the first grandchild of both my maternal and paternal families to pursue a Ph.D. I had to leave the REZ (Navajo reservation) in order to do so. Since I left I lacked learning so many Navajo cultural traditional teachings; songs, prayers, language, way of life. Now I lack many of those things to learn the “White” man’s way. I am about to excel in the White man’s world and I have with so many degrees behind my belt. However, I feel in a way my family is proud but in another way I feel they look at me different, in a way that is a person who does not wholly know or practice the Navajo way. Regardless, I feel I let them down in some form or fashion. My cousins and family make fun of me at times, not to hurt me intentionally (but it does) but to laugh about the way I pronounce Navajo words or how I lack language or do not understand it at times. That hurts me. About how I lack knowledge of Navajo practices. I feel lost because I pursued a path that was envisioned for me but yet I am also “chastised” for it at times. I am torn. Should I have stayed on the REZ? Should I have learned so much Navajo culture/language/tradition that is needed and education in comparison is not as important? I do not know! I feel I failed in a LOT of those areas and I exceled at some.  I cannot be in both places at once. I cannot. What to do? I know they are extremely proud because I will be the first Dr. in either families. I know they brag about me! But, as a Navajo woman I sacrificed a lot in order to be the educated one. I have endured a lot (institutionalized racism to start). White people also look at me and tried “kicking” me out of a higher education institution for unjustified reasons, even though I had a 3.9 GPA and I had to fight there too. I am fighting all the time I feel. At times can I just stop fighting? Can I stop fighting institutionalized racism or my community to just be ME?!! I feel at times do I belong here or there? My life is not perfect. Maybe people think I am “living THE life” by being single and doing me. I am doing well and it’s great because I am following what my family has prayed for…to be a future Dr. in the family, which is a HUGE accomplishment. However, this path is lonely. It is lonely because you are creating a path of your own for you, your family, and maybe future Native peoples. Right now, it feels super lonely. It is a sacrifice. It is scary. It is confusing. It is needed. I am walking alone. It involves blood, sweat, and tears…as I am bleeding, sweating, and crying now. This is the cusp of it so imagine bringing a relationship into this? Will most men understand (Native or non-Native)? Us Native women go through so much to prove ourselves....men do have it easier because you are men. One thing my father always told me and prepared me for was ... "You are always going to have it harder than anyone else because you are Native (minority) and you are a female...so I have to prepare you for a tough life." It is.