Male Hiatus

My schedule is hectic. My main job is working at UNLV as a Graduate Research Assistant to assist on implementing an HIV/AIDS and teen pregnancy prevention program with Black youth. My second job is working at the Clark County School District. My third job is working at the Las Vegas Indian Center with their alcohol and substance abuse prevention program that targets Native youth. My fourth job is working as a psych-social rehabilitation provider working with Latina youth. My fifth job starts this summer working at UNLV library. Not to mention I am a full-time doctoral student working on my Ph.D. Also, I volunteer/work with the United Nations (I will be in NYC next week for 1.5 weeks) doing advocacy work and I work with the White House as a tribal consultant on tribal affairs. I started my own non-profit organization, United Natives, which is a non-government organization working with the United Nations. United Natives works with Native youth in health, education, leadership, and culture. I do not pay myself on my non-profit, so I consider this a volunteer job, but a job nonetheless. I write this blog and trying to turn this into a book on my down time, when I get them! Also, I workout and am on my way to losing weight (yay me!). Last, I have to find time to sleep, eat, clean, errands, and chill with my girls because they keep me sane, and spend time with family! I am SUPER BUSY! I am never home and live out of my car. For instance last week in between my jobs I took a nap in my car for 1.5 hours!

With all this hustle going on I figure I should go on a male hiatus. I mean I am crazy busy and I figure I do not have time to deal with any relationships. Besides, the male I was extremely interested in moved back to the Midwest (where he is originally from) to pursue his dream/opportunity that Las Vegas could not give him. He already knew he was moving back before we started kicking it because he told me. I thought I could not get caught up because he’s leaving soon but I ended up really liking him. But, I figured maybe it was not in the cards for us to be together. The timing is bad anyways because I feel I do not need any distractions when I have so much going on in my life. Ugh but this still sucks finding someone you really like and then they leave. Just my luck. After he left in early April I thought I am going on a male hiatus! Forget men because they are not meant to be in my life now!

Then on my quest to be on this loner mission in my life the oddest thing occurred within the past 3 days. First, my ex-ex boyfriend (we broke up about 3 years ago) contacted me and told me he’s still in love with me and wants to work on getting back together. Second, my most recent ex (we broke up about 7 months ago and have not talked since) started texting me out of the blue two days ago trying to converse about random life events. I was taken back and did not feel comfortable engaging in the conversation due to my own reasons. But, that was random because I thought we would never speak again.

Last, a guy I met 6 years ago in L.A. on a random weekend get away got in contact with me yesterday. I met him at a reggae club on in Long Beach on Friday night (we danced all night), me and my friends met up with him again on Saturday to join him at another club, and on Sunday he took me out on a date. I came back to Vegas on Monday and have not seen him since although we continued to keep in touch after. At that time he told me he really liked me and wanted us to be in a relationship together. I thought it was way too soon and he was just spittin’ game so I never took him seriously. Then, he told me to move to L.A. and that he would completely take care of me so I didn’t have to work if I didn’t want to (but I’m not built like that). The last time I spoke to him was about 2.5 years ago when I told him that he should not call me anymore because I was in a serious relationship and it was not appropriate that he call. So he stopped. But yesterday he called and we talked. He told me when he met me it was love at first sight for him. That he fell in love with me then and STILL loves me now. That I was the one that got away. He told me he would do anything for us to be together because he does not want to lose me. This was totally random, romantic and like a movie. And this guy is fine too!

Ok can I say this is all brain overload?! Over the past 3 days! I am like so much for a male hiatus! There are so much emotions and thoughts running around my mind and dancing around my almost stoic heart. Also, I can’t get my Midwest guy out of my headspace because I really did/do like him. And where did my past come from so quickly? I mean I have two guys saying they love me…flattering, absolutely, but now what to do with all this?! Also, an ex reaching out to me who I still care for and wish him the best but that opened some emotional wounds and more. I guess us Native women got some magic over men, lol, (j/k) but for real. I am really writing this one blog to vent and let some emotional air out. SO confusing. You think you know men and you think they have no soul sometimes.  But then sometimes stuff like this may tweak your stereotypes. When it rains, it pours, so for me I feel like it's raining men. I just need a minute to process this overload.  I just need to breathe. 

                                                                                        

Positivity

I had a conversation with one of my girls one Saturday night. I was telling her I gained a lot of weight in my previous relationship and lost weight since but my body image about myself was negative. She then tells me “When I first met you my first perception of you is that you were really pretty, have a baby face, looked youthful, perfect nose, and you are beautiful!” I told her “When I first met you I thought you had a perfect body and your body is perfect!” The next day I was talking with a guy who I was dating and his friend. His friend told me “We were just talking about you earlier and talking about how pretty we think you are”. The point is someone is always thinking good thoughts about you even when your not!! We need to surround ourselves more by people who think and verbalize good things in general and about ourselves. Also, as Natives we have this philosophy to always think “good thoughts”. You never want to bring negativity into your universe by “thinking bad thoughts” because that will bring bad things to you. As the Natives say it “living in beauty around you” is a blessing we can bring upon ourselves.

As some people say “Every person has a king and a fool in them”. The one that people to talk to more “the king of the fool” GROWS. Meaning, if a person is “putting you down” constantly, then you start to believe them or if a person is constantly talking to you in a positive light (“you are smart”, “you are pretty”), then you start to believe them. Your relationships reveal and decide your self-portrait, which is the way you see yourself. The people around you paint the picture you have of yourself. The way you see yourself can determine what you pursue. The way you see yourself is more powerful. You will ALWAYS act like the person you think you are. What you keep hearing you will eventually believe. So again, surround yourself by positive people who uplift you! This is in regards to every relationship: family, friends, romantic partners. 

Men

As some of you have read on my FB, I have been kickin’ it with about 6 of my male friends all weekend. They are all Black, educated, good jobs with a 401(k), and cool. Four out of six are not married and have no kids, including my best male friend. All weekend they were talking about females in terms of: relationships, getting’ some, what females lack, what we don’t do, what we don’t understand about men, and what need men. From their insight these are some common quotes or themes:

-Men are only as faithful as their options. What they elaborated on about this is no matter if you are married or not, if a female looks hot and she “comes onto me” then more than likely it will happen. It will definitely happen if I know my girl/wife will NOT find out. It’s hard for a man to stay faithful and about 90% of men feel like this. Also, they like YOUNGER females, especially purely for a physical relationship.

-Woman should never pursue a man. If a man likes you then he will show it. Point blank.

-Men don’t really want to settle down. It’s hard for a man to settle down.

-Men are simple. All men talk about are sports, girls, and entertainment. Men get tired of us females telling them our daily play-by-play episodes.

-Men want women to be more self-sufficient. I heard that when they start dating a girl and she has to call him to help her fix everything or do everything, they get tired of that. Their thinking is what did you do before I came along? Soooo keep doing that. Don’t depend on me for everything.

-Women want a MAN to be a man but women today are not stepping up as women. They said my girl/wife wants me to mow the lawn and do all the outside work and is not mindful about giving me water while I’m doing all the outside work. Because when she’s cooking and I see dishes there I help her wash them. Basically, they say that women nowadays do not know how to cook/clean anymore when they expect us to do everything for them.

-They want a woman to hold a decent, intelligent conversation and not talk about “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”. They actually like intelligent women. Like from the movie Coming to American, Eddie Murphy said, “I want a woman to spark my intellect as well as my loins”.

-They like women to like sports. They like it when females like sports and can have  a conversation about sports. They think it’s cool and love it.

-To top it off they said what most women don’t understand is if you do what they feel is ‘nice’ (don’t nag, cook, have sex) then a man will WANT to do things for you without you asking him/telling him too.

Well at the end of the day I told them “Look, regardless, a marriage or whatever is a partnership, nothing more/nothing less”. I feel you look out for each other and support each other. You HAVE to be on the same page financially in order to spend, save, or invest. It’s a team. If we both work then if one cooks/cleans then the other does other chores, teamwork. It’s mutual investment into each other and the relationship, you are a team! If you do this and that then I should want to do this and that because we are both helping each other out to get to the same goals/objectives. It’s really not that hard to figure that out. They said “Not very women think like that and most women want us to do everything.” Well, maybe their not meeting the right women then? LOL IDK. Funny weekend to talk about this stuff all weekend with a bunch of dudes.

Pressure to Self-Preservation

I do not know if any of you Natives feel like this or have at some point, which is to pro-create with another Native based upon race/ethnic preservation?! According to the U.S. Census (2010), Natives represent about 1.7 % of the U.S. population. Out of this percentage 0.9% identified as being Native alone and 0.7% identified as being Native in combination with one or more races, thus resulting with a total of 1.7%. I have this thought about bloodline preservation for future generations and if I have a baby with someone other than a Native, then my familial bloodline will significantly decrease for future generations within my bloodline.

I was having a conversation with two newfound friends in NYC on my most recent trip and hey were Indian (from India) and were telling about the challenges of dating in their experience based upon culture. However, they said their whole lineage/bloodline/race did not depend on them so us as Natives have it billion times harder when thinking in that concept. I had to take a step back in thinking about this. It’s true! I mean I know I have consciously and subconsciously thought about this due to my previous blog stating I wanted to have a full-blooded Native baby regardless of who I am married to by either artificial insemination or adoption. This is a really tricky position to be in.  It’s estimated that from the 1490s when Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas to the 1890 massacre of Sioux at Wounded Knee by the United States military, the Native population of the Western Hemisphere declined, mostly from disease, from to 1.8 million from around 50 million, a decline of 96%. So let me restate that our population dropped from around 50 million to 1.8 million! We lost 96% of our population!! So, currently in the U.S. we only have 0.9% full-blooded Natives, which includes ME! I mean when I go out into mainstream population and I say I am full-blooded, people freak out because they are like, “WOW, I never met a full-blooded before!” It makes me feel good.

Although I date pre-dominantly Black men at this point, it does not mean I do not take heave heavily on these issues. Cultural, language, and self preservation does mean a LOT to me. I get caught between all these factors. At times, I wish it were not so complex, which I know love is love regardless of anything extra. However, I am a realist, and I do think about EVERY aspect of having a child, raising a child, and everything in-between. I think too much and analyze everything, which is probably why I am still single and not a mother YET! LOL Good-luck out there. I’m sure it’ll all work out for me in any choice I made because I waited years to make a great decision on such important issues and I am still waiting.

Keep it Movin'?

This could be hard to explain and there are a lot of grey areas, definitely! This opinion could go either way. In my state, I cannot put up with a lot of bullshit anymore from men. For instance, as stated previously, if someone says/does something extremely minimal I don’t like, I may give them one or two chances to bounce back, and if something minor happens again, I’m out! I feel I am done with games or stupid-ness, I’m grown and so are you, so we both know s’up! I’m dating men who are supposedly “grown” at this point. So, if you are doing some stupid shit as this age then it’s on purpose and that’s cool, but I’m out. I have a friend/acquaintance I knew for about 9 months. We watched sports and kicked it with mutual friends since last fall. This dude tells me he’s always liked me but never acted on it. So all of a sudden we have been kickin’ it hard! We have been inseparable since. However, one glitch, he was extra flirty with some female “friends” up in my face tonight. Mind you he’s not my official man. But, we have been kickin’ it hard. So I confronted him and in a nice way to say, “Hey, that’s not cool, I know you are not my dude like that but I’m in your presence, so be respectful, mindful I am here, and have some tact. If that’s what you want to do then I’m cool with that too, then do you, and I’ll do me.” He apologizes and says that was not cool, but made a comment saying I was acting a little “crazy”. This made me look at him sideways. I tell him I am not acting “crazy” that I checked you and thought and told him why you putting this on me?! I told him if I did the same stuff then he would feel disrespected and I DO NOT do being disrespect anymore, even if it is a small flirtation. I told him how I felt in a respectful demeanor, no drama or cussing or extra stuff, but just in a conversation. I don’t know if I went too far or am in a state to where I’m like F it and keep it movin’. I feel heartless. I feel I have no room for bullshit regardless.  I take this behavior as b.s. because we have been in the dating game way too long for any grown person not to know what disrespectful is or not. I do not have to explain this to you. Common sense right? OR am I just being too hard? Regardless I am done. Keepin’ it movin’…again. 

Our first relationships

Over the weekend we had a dialogue at our “Southern Nevada Teen Pregnancy Prevention” instructor training. The dialogue consisted of how/why fathers are so pertinent for their daughters prosperity in terms of relational development. It made me think of what my homeboy told me one time, “A boys first girlfriend is his mother and a daughters first boyfriend is her father.” SO TRUE! If you look back upon one of my previous blogs titled “Importance of fathers”, I spoke a lot about how my father was influential in shaping my life. However, I did speak in more of a practical sense and not in how it relates to my romantic relationships. A male (my dad) in my life showed me unconditional love. Therefore, when I got older I became confident that I did not need a man to fill a void in my life and seek love out in an unhealthy demeanor. I do not need a man to define me. I am not co-dependent upon men: emotionally, financially, or physically. I feel a lot of those things are because I had a father to teach me love from a father to his daughter. Matter of fact I am still daddy’s girl. My dad gives me money because he wants to, not because he has to or that I need him to. My dad has always been employed and has been an awesome provider for me growing up. My dad still spoils me. So now I am internalizing those traits and looking for my future life partner to do the same. My father set the precedence on how unconditional love from a man feels and looks like.

Also, I am keen to bullshit. I can sense some male bullshit from a mile away because my dad taught me how sneaky men can be because my dad is a bachelor for life (lol). For instance, I was at a casino yesterday and this girl was talking about how she sweatin’ this dude and he only calls her when it’s convenient for him and she’s getting tired of the ‘games’. I told her at this point, were grown. I’m 33 years old and I have no time for games. If I get red flags that a dude is not feelin’ as much or more than me, then I’m cool. I will emotionally/mentally check out because I don’t have time for no games. I chalk it up to if you like me, I will know and I will not question it. If you don’t, you don’t, and that’s cool, no harm-no foul, I will keep it movin’. Plus, I don’t NEED love from anyone who’s unworthy anymore.

When talking about teen pregnancy prevention, a lot of these teen girls are seeking love because of the lack of fathers in their lives. They had no one to teach them what love from a man feels and looks like, so they subject themselves to unhealthy behaviors or mindsets. I feel for these young girls today that are in that situation. We deal with relationships by the way we were raised, period. We all stem from Native communities so this is common sense. I hope the men that are reading this and not a part of their children’s lives can try a little harder to spend time with their children because whatever is lacking emotionally/mentally from their lives, they could find an unhealthy outlet.

Background, Credit, and STD check!

To date nowadays I feel I need to have the suitor take a background, credit, and STD check (lol). Some people may be offended, but hey, I feel it’s the way of the world. I have dated men with poor credit and have a criminal background, which I’m not knockin’ but I’m tired of it. I told my homeboy one time over the phone that any male I date needs to have a credit score of 700+ (lol)! Not because I am a gold-digger but a good credit score tells me a lot about a person. It tells me you are financially responsible and probably more financially stable. It means I do not have to co-sign for anything all the time as well if we were ever to get serious. It means if I decide to marry you then my credit score will NOT go down. It means WE can buy that house or car or whatever we want without having to worry about if we will get denied or who’s name will it go under. I mean this is real shit going on here. So many issues within relationships entail finances. Believe me, I know, because financial issues always played a part in most of my past relationships and I always got frustrated. So now, I decided to date men that may be financially compatible with my means although I am still a broke Ph.D student (lol). But, that’s all relative now. I’m broke now so I can be not broke later, well that’s the plan at least. In terms of a criminal background, well, that kind of goes hand-in-hand with responsibility and financial responsibility. I’ve dated men with criminal history and it made it much more difficult for them to find a job. No job equals poor credit. Also, because I work in the field of public health and directly with HIV/AIDS, sexually transmitted infections, and teen pregnancy prevention I am aware of the statistics, therefore and everyone should have their partner checked to be on the safe side.

This past week I ran into an acquaintance I see at a local bar I frequent. This guy is kind of annoying but I still chop it up with him anyways. Into our conversation I tell him that moving forward every man I date needs to have a background, credit, and STD check (but half way joking).  Then he asks me if I was dating anyone and I told him “yeah, I’m talking to this doctor guy who has no kids and good credit.” This guy says, “Your not the only one he’s dating”. After that he went in on me and told me he does not like my hair dark because I looked ‘gloomy’ and I looked better with blonde hair among other things that were plain rude. I guess I offended him with my comment that I made and he probably got mad because he was trying to holla at me and with that one sentence he knew I would never go there with him lol! But as a Native girl, sometimes I feel we sell ourselves short in terms that we lower our standards due to self-doubt that transcends into every part of our lives. I mean some of us do not demand more. Demand more of ourselves and of our partners or future partners.