Men Experiment

I just have to state my experiment because it will make you think. About 3 years ago a long lost friend was telling me about this guy she was talking to and the things he would say to her. I told her that he was intimidated by her “success” because she is educated, self-sufficient and a single female with no kids. She came to Vegas to visit me for the weekend so we were on our way to Tao nightclub. At that point, I told her let me show you something to prove my point. I told her the next guy that approaches me and to tries to holla that I am going to tell him I am a doctor (LOL). But, I told her to watch and see his reaction. About five minutes later, this AA guy approaches me and we start talking. He asks me “Where do you live?” I said “I live here.” Then he asks, “What do you do?” I looked at my friend and I stated “I’m a doctor” (with a grin on my face). Then he said “Really? What kind of doctor?” I stated “A primary care physician.” This guy just turned around and walked off without saying a word! LOL My friend was in disbelief and I told her “See, I told you.” Now fast forward to a few weeks ago. I was at a girlfriend’s birthday gathering at the Blue Martini. A lot of my girls friends were married and older, so they not really looking to meet guys of course. However, one of my girls married friends kept trying to push me to leave the table to go talk to a guy. (LOL) I kept saying “Naw I’m good girl, I’m taking a hiatus from them for now.” She kept asking “Why?” I said let me just show you. I told her to follow me, follow my lead, and that I am just going to talk to random guys. So we went out into the “manfield” (LOL)! I started talking to guy #1 (tall, AA, late 20’s or early 30’s) and he was into the conversation and asked if I wanted a drink, which I didn’t respond to. So my friend asked the guys, “So what do you do?” He said, “I work for a rental car company.” Then he turns and asks me, “What do you do?” I said, “I’m a professor at UNLV.” He looked at me, then looked at his friend, then said to his friend “I’m gonna go back to our table” and bounced. I started laughing because I knew this was gonna happen and my friend looked at me like WTH just happened? I told her that this happens frequently and I think it’s hilarious. She didn’t quite believe me at that point so I said oh let’s go talk to those guys over there. I initiated a conversation with guy #2 (tall, latino, mid-20’s) and we were having a good conversation for about 5 minutes. Then the question comes up “What do you do?” I smiled, looked at my friend, and proceeded to say “I’m a professor at UNLV.” Then he says “Oh…well I’m just a sales guy.” I say, “That’s cool” but I already know by the way his reaction was that he’s uncomfortable. Now the awkward and weird silence over burdens us. So I politely say “It was nice meeting you” and walk off. My girl follows and was like OMG! I say “Now you know why I’m cool and I am in a hiatus for a while?” So, the next day I tell one my girls what had happened and she said “Yeah, I don’t like to bring that up when I first meet a guy.” I think that’s a cool strategy and I utilize that strategy sometimes. However, I feel like if a guy gets intimidated the first 5 minutes into a conversation, then he will probably be intimidated throughout the possible “dating relationship”! Of course I do not think ALL men are like this but I say about 85% of them are. Ladies and gentleman what do you think??????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self-Growth

This note/blog is an extension of my previous one, which was “Self-Analyze..Looking at the Mirror Within.” I have heard and experienced a consistent theme recently about personal imperfections. Through these past couple of weeks, I have learned how important my personal behavior is a reflection of my personal relationships and how it affects my relational dynamics. When I speak of relationships, I am talking about friendships, family, and romantic.

I had someone I was dating tell me all my flaws and negative attributes as a “girlfriend” that rolls over into my relationships. I had to sit back and truly think about what he said. Was he right? That was my biggest question. I had to internalize and put a lot of thought into all of my previous relationships and take what he said to see if there was a pattern, even if it was a small one. I have to admit, that was hard to hear. After self-reflection it was harder to think he does have a point. He was of course talking about romantic relationships, but I tend to think it affects my friendships and familial ones as well. Maybe not to the extreme, but still does.

This note/blog is not geared towards men specifically, but geared towards my personal weaknesses that need to be worked on so ALL my relationships can grow and prosper. I feel that everyone has something that could be worked on, which improves us as an individual, which then improves our relationships. By “the guy” I was dating telling me what he did made me grow as a person although it was hard to hear. I thank him for telling me and because of what he said will help me to become a better person. Is there anything that you could work on as well?

Self-Analyze...Looking at the MIRROR Within

As I am thinking about my personal relationships, I started to reflect on my discrepancies and how I contribute to conflict within my own relationships. Individuals often tend to blame the significant other when conflicts arise because we do not often consider our contribution to the “bad vibes.” Especially, us women! AND especially us Native women!! Maybe it’s due to culture, environment, societal norms, or instinct, but it seems as if it is always never our fault. I would like to ask a few questions to you all:

1. When your man has an issue with you, what does he tell you?
2. Does he complain about the same things you continually do (?), such as;
(nag, complain, argue, insecurities, jealous, stubborn, etc..)
3. With some of these complaints, do you think he has some valid points?

In my past to most recent relationships, I have heard some of the same complaints from my significant other in each relationship...so I now realize that I do exhibit a common, negative pattern. Now it’s time I turn the mirror to myself and analyze my negative traits that I inherently contribute to relationship conflicts and work on those! It is necessary to turn some of those traits around so our relationships can be turned around and move forward. It is nice to know that some of our strengths are also some of our weaknesses. I know that is true for me, so now I am trying to be more aware of knowing the time and place to utilize my strengths so they do not become my weakness.

I know us women like to sit around and talk about how our men do this and that…and how we get frustrated and annoyed, but we hardly talk about our negative habits as well. It is unfair. Now, I’m not saying that I condone what some men are doing and I know they are completely wrong at times. However, I am only stating that sometimes it is good to look at our personal habits within so we can be aware of our contributions to our relationship patterns: good or bad.

Educated Women

Being an educated, young, professional woman, I have personally experienced various dating/relationship issues. In addition, to confirm my frustrations, many of my friends, colleagues, and peers who are educated experience similar issues. One common theme I myself encounter and often hear from men is that it is very difficult to date “us” for various reasons. I heard I could be portrayed as: confident, boozy, expect too much, expensive, blunt, make them feel like less of a man and assertive just to give a few examples. From personal experience, they have told me they feel: intimidated, not needed, and jealous. Through my dating experiences, I have definitely felt the male insecurities, which are frustrating!

Minority women are strong women in general with or without an education. However, education gives us access to more opportunities that pave the way for career growth, financial gain, and a strong voice in the professional environment. I know as minority women and overcoming many obstacles to achieve higher education, we form thick skin through our tribulations within the academic environment alone. I am speaking for myself because I feel that I have found my voice while attending Arizona St. University (ASU) as an undergraduate student. I was a double major at ASU (B.S. Microbiology; B.A. Communications) and I was usually the only Native American student in all my classes. In my Communications coursework, I had to take classes that discussed gender, class, and race topics. Since I was the only Native in my classes, I felt I had to speak-up and communicate how I or Natives perceive such issues and how it pertains to us. Some of those topics became heated! The more I climb my education and career trajectory; I am often faced with other forms of obstacles in institutionalized environments, as I’m sure many minority men/women do. As a young, professional woman I would like men to support us and not feel intimidated by our accomplishments. It would be nice if they sent us flowers at work or encourage us when finals are near. Support, understanding, and encouragement are some key ingredients to winning our hearts!

Unhealthy Past

I need to fall back on my two previous blogs I wrote recently, which were: Native Women and Low Self-esteem and When is it time to leave? I know that there are underlying issues that are the foundation for these problems. I have explored an additional common theme I hear after talking with many Native people, that is they have either witnessed or been a victim of domestic violence. I assume that about 80%of Native women have encountered this unfortunate disposition. Why is domestic violence so prevalent in our communities? Well, back again to history: the White man came, tried to kill us all, but then thought that wasn’t the “Christian” thing to do so then they thought assimilation would be more justifiable to God than genocide. So, they dismantled our familial life by stealing kids away from our homes and placing them in boarding schools. Hmm boarding schools do not sound so bad, right? First, by kidnapping these kids and disconnecting them from their families, communities, land, language, and culture created “monsters.” This single act drastically tore individuals apart which spread into our communities like a wildfire. How do you know how to love when you were not around it? These kids were beaten, sexually molested, and raped and now passed these horrible patterns from generation to generation.

When is it time to leave?

When is it time to leave an unhealthy relationship? We all should have an idea of what an unhealthy relationship consists of; lying, cheating, being taken advantage of, constant arguing, physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. I understand we have all been in vulnerable situations because for most people being somewhat vulnerable in relationships is a silent requirement. But, I have noticed that as Native women, we all know that when we truly love a man, there is nothing in this world we wouldn’t do for him and we have his back in every capacity imaginable, because we love hard! However, if he takes our good loving for granted and constantly abuses our love, how do we determine a temporary “rut” in a relationship versus being in an unhealthy relationship? I have come across many beautiful Native sisters in my life, but I return back to the low self-esteem theme as a major reason why my sisters will not leave their man. One Native sister in particular I met recently stated that she used to have a great life, great career, etc...until she met her boyfriend. She followed him to an urban city, couldn’t find a job, and cannot seem to connect to her partner. She seems in denial that he may be cheating and is an alcoholic, but she keeps holding onto the “good” times, which has not happened for them in a long time. In the process, she keeps putting herself down. I almost want to shake her and tell her, “GIRL, wake-up, he doesn’t want you!” But, who am I to say that, I know she will leave when she is ready. I believe that with her and many other Native sisters’ situations, their main reason for staying is lack of self-confidence. Many think they cannot make it on their own, especially if they have kids. For those who are in those situations, I hope and pray that you will have the courage and strength to leave someday. That is why as Native women we should build a great support system for our sisters, instead of being judgmental or “hating.” We should uplift each other! If we cannot do this for ourselves, who will?

Native Women Self-esteem

A re-occurring theme that I have been hearing lately: Native American women and low self-esteem. I wonder why many of “us” Native women have continually in the past or present day experience issues with engaging in unhealthy or unbalance relationships. I have always considered myself a strong and independent woman; I have not lived at home since I was 14 years old and feel I have accomplished some important things in life. However, I once got stuck in a phase where I stayed in unhealthy relationships. I felt that is what was “normal” at the time and justified it by saying to myself that all relationships have problems. But when is it time that you distinguish that this relationship is “unhealthy’ and when do you know when it is time to leave? I wonder if I stayed because of the acceptance of unhealthy relationships among my peers and family members. I also wonder about the level of self-esteem of women who stay in unhealthy relationships…including mine at the time. As Native women, we are STRONG women! We need to understand the importance of our self-worth, which plays into every aspect of our lives, especially within relationships. I have gotten some quotes from some Native women and their perspective, when I posed the question, “Do you think women who stay in verbally/physically abusive relationships have low self-esteem as compared to women who do not?
-“I would have to say yes..that he is the only one who even bothered to say hi or give any attention in the first place..so low self esteem plays a big part..but as someone who’s been thru it..I survived n the low self esteem is gone n Im livin a happy single life..with the help of my kids n family”

-“Yes sissy cuz I just ended a five year battle with a guy I thought I was totally in love with but for all the wrong reasons...the whole relationship was doomed from the start cuz we were both just lookin for someone to fill a hole haha! Stuck with him only cuz I didn't want to be alone... I know better now!!! Glad I went through it tho!”

-“i think it depends on the woman, and how they determine the word "love" to them? we dont all think alike...some its easy to walk away n others its hard? but regardless we all need to heal cause even verbal abuse hurt”

-“i dont think so...a woman who leaves from an abusive relationship has the confidence to move on to the next one”

-“totally.. once a man tears down a woman spirit and for all she could have been or is worth she comes to believe it herself which makes her very insecure with no confidence and definitely low self esteem. It is depressing to see woman in this state of mind..I believe they should hold themselves high in the pyrmaid of life..(besides our Lord) since we are the only being that can procreate... I have not been down that road and I definitely know better”

-“I have seen many women enter a relationship full of self confidence only to be torn down by the bullying and the power grabber. Best book to avoid getting into that situation - read "Prince Harming Syndrome - Breaking Bad relationship patterns for good"! - Great advice in it. such as finding someone who lets you be authentic and considers disagreements as opportunities for growth and education.”

-“We all have a certain level of low self-esteem. And it usually starts in our teens or sometimes earlier in our development as a woman. Abusive companions multiply our level of low self- esteem...which creates "monsters"

-“Ask 'why?' four times: women in abusive relationship have low self-esteem, why? They are slowly demeaned and undermined by the men in their lives. Why? Because the men in their lives feel they have a right to treat the ones they should love in this way. Why? Because we live in a society that upholds men's power over women, and reinforces misogyny. Why? Because our nations (be they 'free' or colonised) are founded upon someone's god who gave men this right”