Blue Collared or No?

I have a Native male friend who has his graduate degree and he told me that he would not date any female who was not a “professional.” I have a female friend who is a woman of color who stated when she was dating, she would not date a man if he did not at least possess a Bachelor’s degree (she got married and her husband became a lawyer). I get my friends position on finding a mate because possessing a degree enables you to automatically think: economic stability, access to more opportunities, and ambition.

 

I’ve dated jobless men, blue collared men, and professional men. I find this conversation interesting because is this mind frame of thinking indicate we are separating ourselves into a class system? Financial issues are the main cause of divorce. I go back and forth on this because I know plenty of great men who did not possess a college education, but my father has his law degree. But, if you ever met my dad, then you would not think he has his law degree because he’s a down to earth, country, and rugged manly man.

 

As a Native is it: stuck-up, boosie, superficial, elitist way of thinking to want to date/marry someone who mirrors you in your education and/or socio-economic status class? Or do my friends have a point to indicate that finances do matter and that is the smart thing to do?

Transition

I was and am terrified of change. Any type of change can be scary because you are treading on unchartered territory that your mental, physical, or emotional self are not used to. I was becoming anxious, confused, direction-less, and scared because such a huge part of my life was ending, which was being a student. I was in college for 14 years with 4 degrees behind me. Over the past few months I couldn’t imagine getting into a relationship because I didn’t know about my stability…would I move? Stay? Would I be ok financially? I was focused on my own stability, so I couldn’t think about anyone else’s, therefore, had a mentality that I do want to settle down (sooner than later) but due to my future’s uncertainty I have been hesitant.

 

Being in a transition period can be scary but exciting at the same time because it opens up new doors to new opportunities. This can be true about relationships, new job, etc…However, my brain was scattered because I do know what I want but at the same time I don’t…if that makes any sense? But, I had faith that everything will work out how it is supposed to work out.

 

I recently (yesterday) got offered an amazing opportunity to be a Post-Doc at UCLA School of Medicine doing HIV prevention combination research! I will be working at one of the top 15 medical/research schools in the nation doing global health research with top scientists in the world. This was not an easy opportunity to get selected for as my competition were among people who also had their Ph.D  or M.D. degrees and I’m sure they all had great professional/academic experience under their belt. I am in dis-belief I got selected because my competition was definitely talented.  Plus, I can still live in Las Vegas, work on small projects related to HIV, and teach a Native American Studies course at UNLV. All while I’ll still be doing my minimal work with the United Nations in NYC. This is a professional dream come true. My hard work of going to school and being broke all those years has enabled me to have this dream job to work at prestigious academic and international institutions, plus I’m still “young.” I’m so elated that a girl like me, “Rez girl”, that grew-up on the Rez, could ever be in a position like I am today. I sacrificed so much for me to be sitting here today in this capacity. I am blessed and owe all my success to my family because they also sacrificed and prayed and did whatever they could to help me. I owe them everything.

 

I have to express my successes and my joy, not because I’m bragging, but because I worked hard for it. I am passionate about my work to make contributions to the world, especially Native communities. I remember when I was a broke-broke student in undergrad at ASU and only lived off $20/week but I had a dream and goals to become a Dr. one day no matter what it took. I remember when I moved to Las Vegas for my Master’s program and I had to put a $60 gold charm on lay-away at a pawn shop because I couldn’t afford it so I put $12 down on my lay-away. Now, I know I’m ready to take on this new journey of my career path.  I am ready to see what dating in L.A. is like as well…this should be an interesting twist to my path…stay tuned ! Also, just know that you are capable of achieving your goals, but you have to believe in yourself and do the work it takes to obtain your goals! Cheers my friends!

 

Single Ladies Embrace Your "Loneliness"

I went grocery shopping and I observed couples shopping together and I saw singles shopping alone (I assume they were based on their choice of groceries, especially men, they always buy the frozen pizza/foods). I walked out into the chilly air pushing my grocery cart and I felt a sense of overwhelming loneliness. Not lonely for my family but lonely to be with a significant other. I had to check myself.

Two weeks ago my sister asked me if I wanted to go to the club. Mind you, I had been out the previous weekend all weekend with other friends from out of town. I thought, ugh, I been out way too much this past week. But, I went anyway. I went because I thought there will be a time when I won’t possess this sense of unwavering freedom. I imagine I will be in a committed relationship or married or with a kid at some sooner than later in my life. That means I have to eventually put those relationships first. That means I have to possibly wake up at 3 am to feed my child. That means I have to check with my husband/family first before I decided to go dancing in the middle of the night with my girls. That means my life will revolve around my family and not me anymore.

When I went dancing two weeks ago I decided to embrace my super single-ness by not apologizing for being out with my friends on a week night. This evening I reflected on my loneliness and I decided to embrace it. I decided I should because I can do whatever I want whenever I want at this point in my life and not have to explain myself to anyone but myself. Not too many people have that freedom in their lives, and that’s a great thing, but I do and that’s also a great thing. SO, ladies if you’re feeling the loneliness crawling out in your thoughts, then remember you’re also lucky to enjoy your life the way you want to. You’re able to spend your money on you. You’re able to spend your time the way you want to. You are able to enjoy your own company. You’re able to be as selfish as you want and not feel guilty for it. You’re able to work on yourself and concentrate on your personal, professional, and academic goals as much as you want. You’re able to meet a friend at midnight at a bar and have glasses of wine. You’re able to travel at the drop of a dime. Embrace this ladies because you may be married with a kid soon and not have this luxury you once thought was so negative. Cheers dolls! Stay beautiful.

Valentine's Day Non-Date

I had a deep thought last weekend. I thought “Can I just meet a guy who wants to commit, we have a lot in common and have his shizz together? Then, I meet a tall, 32 year old, college graduate, played college football, and has owned/ran his own successful sports marketing firm successfully for 10 years. He has his own office and has employees. We went out for drinks last night.

I am not going to lie, he annoyed me at times LOL. We both have very strong personalities because we are both successful in our own right and our personalities clashed at times, well, a lot of the time. He stated, “Are you going to fight with me all the time?” We weren’t literally fighting but debating and/or we kept challenging each other on our stated positions. I found that annoying at times but intriguing at times. At one point we were talking about the “strip club” and I had my views and he had his. I got extremely annoyed and with attitude said, “Ok, we’re done here, I’ll pay for my own drinks, and you have a good night.” I had every intention of leaving. I asked the bartender to close out our tabs separately, which he did. I put my cash down and the guy says “Ok, you’re not leaving me…we’re not going to agree on everything and I’m paying for your tab because I’m a gentleman so put your $$ away.” LOL he shut me down quick!

That was kind bold and hot at the same time.

One thing I kinda had trouble with was when he said, “I’m a man and whatever I say goes.” Then I said, “Where I come from, whatever I say goes.” We both started laughing. I can tell if we continue to talk there will probably be a bit of a “power” struggle. However, I told myself if a man can lead us in the right direction financially, commiting-ly, relationanship-ly, and respectfully, I have no problem letting him lead us. I’m tired of being the leader so I can happily sit back and enjoy the process instead of always being the stronger one or the one in a better position. I will continue to talk to this intriguing man as a friend and see what happens….

Listen to your Gut

I was talking/dating this Native guy (big mistake) for a few months. I thought I’d give a Native brother a chance, you know? I visited him right before Christmas and while I was at his apartment, he got a gift delivered from his “ex-girlfriend.” That didn’t sit well with me. I put two and two together and listened to my gut, which told me: He is still talking to her, or he still with her, or he still has strong feelings with her, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE. After I found the package I immediately left back to Vegas after I told him what I found. The guy was calling me and texting me telling me I’m trippin’ and I over re-acted about a person who is no longer a part of his life, blah, blah blah. I didn’t believe him. For a few weeks these texts and phone calls continued but I told this person, I can only be his friend, nothing more. Recently, I got a call from this guys’ “ex-girlfriend” telling me they never broke-up! Basically, he was cheating on her all this time with me, while lying to both of us. The thing is, I wasn’t mad about it and I didn’t even care. I felt this way because I knew this when I saw she sent him a gift. I listened to my gut. I literally had no feelings of anger or anything, but I felt extremely bad for his girlfriend because she invested years into that relationship. I also didn’t care because I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend, which is the person that will always make my knees weak. LOL I thought to myself, I’m way too grown to be in this situation to have a girl call me over some dude. My point is, ladies, listen to your gut. It may save you from yourself and other deceitful people…..

Acknowledgement and Grief of Oppression in 2016

I came home and was literally crying and for no apparent reason. I just felt grief. I just felt overwhelmed. My eyes are watery as I type this and tears are flowing down my face. I know now….I have been having multiple meetings these past few days that are addressing social justice, which include the recent media activity. This past Monday, I saw White armed ranchers taking over the government building on national news. The national building consists of important tribal documentation, and they’re on tribal lands, while protesting that it is their land. There was a meeting on gender equality with the United Nations that I was late in “distance” attending, but I read the transcription/notes. I attended a community meeting with people who are fighting injustices to keep sacred sites of tribal documentation, artifacts, and sacred sites upheld. Then, I saw a movie titled, “Revenant”, which was of Leonardo DiCaprio getting revenge of a person who killed his Pawnee son. I am involved in many ongoing community dialogues to assist people of color to address injustices. It is my responsibility to support, assist, or advocate, I personally believe.

People tell me, “It’s the 21^st century…get over the oppression…get over the trauma…get over the racism, as it no longer exists…get over it.” In 2016, I look in the mirror and I see a full-blooded Native woman starring back at me, who in late 1400’s, 1500’s, 1600’s, 1700’s, and 1800’s would have been sought out to be raped and murdered. My whole family, community, and tribe were meant to be slaughtered for dead, with no conscience. In the 1900’s, I would have been stolen, kidnapped, beaten, raped, sterilized, Christianized, acculturated/assimilated like a lot of my community, friends, and family members. In 2000, Native women are still being beaten, raped, and murdered, which could have included me.

In 2012, I was threatened to get kicked out of my higher institution of learning by the Dean of my department, although, I had a 3.9 GPA. I was in great academic standing and was in good accordance with the Graduate College doctoral provisions. I had to fight to stay in my program, although, I did nothing wrong, nor was failing any course at all. I still had to fight for a rightfully earned position, a doctoral student. I had to fight to earn my degree with everything I had. And in December of 2015, I graduated, but it was not easy, as I did not have the support of the higher up’s in my department.

As I type this, I am overwhelmed with grief, as a Native woman, and I cry to grieve tonight. I am angry, frustrated, stressed, confused, and feel a sense of loneliness and even hopelessness. But, I know this is a symptom of post-traumatic stress syndrome that is a result of historical oppression and trauma. Within historical trauma still lives grief that I encompass on a daily basis. It is also a result of still experiencing racism, discrimination, and sexism on a daily basis. Today, it erupted. I feel it. I see it. I hear it. I smell it. I taste it. I live it. I can never escape it, ever. Tonight, I cry for all the injustices that we have endured, we are enduring, and will endure moving forward.

 We can acknowledge it and try our best to address it. We can try our best to be strong 360 out of 365 days of it, but it’s days like this, it is okay to grieve, to cry, and to pray. As Native people we can move forward with mental, physical, spiritual, intellectual, environmental, social, and emotional strength. However,  after vulnerable moments like these, the strength arises. It comes back newer and stronger. It gives us that mindset to fight another day for me, for you, and for us. I write this piece because this is part of my life and it's important for people to understand all facets of it. 

P.S. I am not sure this is what ALL Native people and/or women experience. I am speaking solely for myself and what I experience living in Native urban America. To possibly have a relationship with a person like me, these are experiences that I endure. It does not make me weak or strong, but it makes me human.

Quick reflection

I love the saying that states “People may only be in your life for a season but they were there for a reason.” As I reflect into my relationships from 2015, some of them have to remain there, in 2015. This past year has been a tremendous year for me, as I have literally became Dr. Lee! I went to college for 14 years and earned 3 degrees prior to reach that title. I am very proud of my accomplishment(s) this past year and through it, there is a natural evolution that occurs. Some of your personal evolution can result in the sense that you also evolve out of certain relationships, and that is ok. I lost some friendships and/or relationships, but I’ve also gained new friendships and looking forward to starting a potential relationship. I definitely feel bad that certain people no longer serve a purpose in my life. But, that’s a part of this life game, I suppose. This new year I am looking forward to starting my journey as Dr. Lee, which involves working on the projects I want to work on, writing a business plan, and writing a book! There’s so much to look forward to in this world so let’s not get caught up in the coulda, woulda, shoulda in relationships, as you have many more fruitful relationships to look forward to! Again, some people were not meant to be in your life journey for the long haul, but you can appreciate the time they were there in the capacity you needed them to be there. With that being said my friends, I wish you the happiest NEW YEAR and I look forward to sharing my many more blogs with you in 2016. Cheers.