Fear

When I used to think about relationships I always had this nonchalant feeling. I was usually so easy-breezy about them, meaning I did not make marriage/kids a priority. I always thought if it happens then it does and if it does not I have a back-up plan! My closest uncle passed a few weeks ago and I started to think about life a little different. I came to the realization that I do want a husband and a kid. This kind of epiphany was scary to me!! Now all the “what-if” questions come to mind. What it does not happen? What if it does and he is the wrong guy? What if! It seems it was easier to have an easy-breezy mindset about this because it alleviated so much pressure. I’m not going to force anything because that is not my style. But this mindset makes me even MORE picky, which I suppose is a good thing. Knowing exactly what you want can be scary because you know and you will settle for nothing less than that. When you will settle for nothing less than that then it seems as if options become narrower and even harder to find.

Dress?

I just came back from NYC this past weekend and I have been contemplating on the kind of men who approach me whether it’s here or anywhere. I started to think do these men approach me because of the places I go, what I wear, how I act, what I say, or how I say it?

For instance, I tend to go to really laid back joints, like sports bars or dive bars mainly to watch sporting events and I do NOT dress up. In fact, most of the time I wear hats because these places are so laid back that I figure I do not need to go all out and plus I’m comfortable just throwing a hat, jeans, sneakers, or whatever on. A confession, I am in this laid back funk too so even if I go to nicer venues during happy hour times, I still tend to dress extremely laid back while majority of the females are wearing heels and dressed nice while I’m wearing sneakers and a hat. So does that mean if a professional male looks at me wearing a baseball hat and sneakers then he will perceive me as a “hood” chick? Or in his eyes, someone “not datable” because he wants a “grown woman” who is doing her thing, which I am but he probably would not know that unless he speaks to me.  I must admit I’m torn between what I like to wear because it’s comfortable and should I be judged based on that? Unfortunately, we do live in a judgmental and stereotypical society. I mean I do not necessarily want a man who’s ALWAYS wearing jerseys/hats (I’m dating men in their 30’s+ now). So does that saying in my most recent blog , "Become the reflection of what you want in your mate" reference a point here? Hmmm.

 Also, at this point I am in a place where I really like laid back places that have the cheapest prices in food/alcohol as well. With this being said it’s highly unlikely I will find a man I would like to date at these types of places. There are so many logical things to think about on these matters stating if I want to date a man who’s financially stable then he’s more likely to be at more “classy” venues? Is he? Unless he likes sports and cheap drinks and good food like me, then who would not want to go there?! IDK that's just me speaking. If I want a professional male then he’s most likely not going to rock a fitted and a jersey? If a professional male wants a “lady” then he’s most likely not going to take me as such if I’m wearing a fitted and sneakers?

 I suppose my final opinion on these matters is just keep being me, dressing how I dress, talk how I talk, walk how I walk because that’s what makes me ME. Whenever I find my mate he will love ALL of what makes me ME. I don’t want to compromise my comfortableness or my style because that is part of an expression of who I am.

But I am not going to lie this is complex and deeper than just how a person dresses. It’s that annoying truth that people are always judging you, stereotyping you, gaging you based on YOU. I think that is what I’m most bothered about but what people think is them and I do me. I’m different. I’m unique. I am a pioneer. I am not a follower.

 

 

Reflection

I spoke to my home girl yesterday and she stated, “She is becoming a reflection of the man she wants to be with.” Her progressive actions towards this philosophy are definitely awesome! I really like this expression because if I want a man that is financially stable then maybe I should be too? If I want man with great credit then I should have great credit myself? If I want a man that is “fit” then maybe I should workout too? If I want a man that does not drink then maybe I should not too? In a nutshell, you should try to be the person that conveys all the traits you want in a partner and start to work towards those individual traits among yourself so you can be ready to receive your partner when he/she appears into your life. Obviously, some traits may be harder to achieve than others but in a nutshell prepare yourself to be the best person YOU can be so it makes you that much more “ready” and compatible to your current/future partner. These important preparation and maintenance practices are assets we could ALL work on. Remember that common saying that the people you surround yourself by are a reflection of you and this includes your partner

 “BECOME A REFLECTION OF THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE WITH.”

Male Hiatus

My schedule is hectic. My main job is working at UNLV as a Graduate Research Assistant to assist on implementing an HIV/AIDS and teen pregnancy prevention program with Black youth. My second job is working at the Clark County School District. My third job is working at the Las Vegas Indian Center with their alcohol and substance abuse prevention program that targets Native youth. My fourth job is working as a psych-social rehabilitation provider working with Latina youth. My fifth job starts this summer working at UNLV library. Not to mention I am a full-time doctoral student working on my Ph.D. Also, I volunteer/work with the United Nations (I will be in NYC next week for 1.5 weeks) doing advocacy work and I work with the White House as a tribal consultant on tribal affairs. I started my own non-profit organization, United Natives, which is a non-government organization working with the United Nations. United Natives works with Native youth in health, education, leadership, and culture. I do not pay myself on my non-profit, so I consider this a volunteer job, but a job nonetheless. I write this blog and trying to turn this into a book on my down time, when I get them! Also, I workout and am on my way to losing weight (yay me!). Last, I have to find time to sleep, eat, clean, errands, and chill with my girls because they keep me sane, and spend time with family! I am SUPER BUSY! I am never home and live out of my car. For instance last week in between my jobs I took a nap in my car for 1.5 hours!

With all this hustle going on I figure I should go on a male hiatus. I mean I am crazy busy and I figure I do not have time to deal with any relationships. Besides, the male I was extremely interested in moved back to the Midwest (where he is originally from) to pursue his dream/opportunity that Las Vegas could not give him. He already knew he was moving back before we started kicking it because he told me. I thought I could not get caught up because he’s leaving soon but I ended up really liking him. But, I figured maybe it was not in the cards for us to be together. The timing is bad anyways because I feel I do not need any distractions when I have so much going on in my life. Ugh but this still sucks finding someone you really like and then they leave. Just my luck. After he left in early April I thought I am going on a male hiatus! Forget men because they are not meant to be in my life now!

Then on my quest to be on this loner mission in my life the oddest thing occurred within the past 3 days. First, my ex-ex boyfriend (we broke up about 3 years ago) contacted me and told me he’s still in love with me and wants to work on getting back together. Second, my most recent ex (we broke up about 7 months ago and have not talked since) started texting me out of the blue two days ago trying to converse about random life events. I was taken back and did not feel comfortable engaging in the conversation due to my own reasons. But, that was random because I thought we would never speak again.

Last, a guy I met 6 years ago in L.A. on a random weekend get away got in contact with me yesterday. I met him at a reggae club on in Long Beach on Friday night (we danced all night), me and my friends met up with him again on Saturday to join him at another club, and on Sunday he took me out on a date. I came back to Vegas on Monday and have not seen him since although we continued to keep in touch after. At that time he told me he really liked me and wanted us to be in a relationship together. I thought it was way too soon and he was just spittin’ game so I never took him seriously. Then, he told me to move to L.A. and that he would completely take care of me so I didn’t have to work if I didn’t want to (but I’m not built like that). The last time I spoke to him was about 2.5 years ago when I told him that he should not call me anymore because I was in a serious relationship and it was not appropriate that he call. So he stopped. But yesterday he called and we talked. He told me when he met me it was love at first sight for him. That he fell in love with me then and STILL loves me now. That I was the one that got away. He told me he would do anything for us to be together because he does not want to lose me. This was totally random, romantic and like a movie. And this guy is fine too!

Ok can I say this is all brain overload?! Over the past 3 days! I am like so much for a male hiatus! There are so much emotions and thoughts running around my mind and dancing around my almost stoic heart. Also, I can’t get my Midwest guy out of my headspace because I really did/do like him. And where did my past come from so quickly? I mean I have two guys saying they love me…flattering, absolutely, but now what to do with all this?! Also, an ex reaching out to me who I still care for and wish him the best but that opened some emotional wounds and more. I guess us Native women got some magic over men, lol, (j/k) but for real. I am really writing this one blog to vent and let some emotional air out. SO confusing. You think you know men and you think they have no soul sometimes.  But then sometimes stuff like this may tweak your stereotypes. When it rains, it pours, so for me I feel like it's raining men. I just need a minute to process this overload.  I just need to breathe. 

                                                                                        

Positivity

I had a conversation with one of my girls one Saturday night. I was telling her I gained a lot of weight in my previous relationship and lost weight since but my body image about myself was negative. She then tells me “When I first met you my first perception of you is that you were really pretty, have a baby face, looked youthful, perfect nose, and you are beautiful!” I told her “When I first met you I thought you had a perfect body and your body is perfect!” The next day I was talking with a guy who I was dating and his friend. His friend told me “We were just talking about you earlier and talking about how pretty we think you are”. The point is someone is always thinking good thoughts about you even when your not!! We need to surround ourselves more by people who think and verbalize good things in general and about ourselves. Also, as Natives we have this philosophy to always think “good thoughts”. You never want to bring negativity into your universe by “thinking bad thoughts” because that will bring bad things to you. As the Natives say it “living in beauty around you” is a blessing we can bring upon ourselves.

As some people say “Every person has a king and a fool in them”. The one that people to talk to more “the king of the fool” GROWS. Meaning, if a person is “putting you down” constantly, then you start to believe them or if a person is constantly talking to you in a positive light (“you are smart”, “you are pretty”), then you start to believe them. Your relationships reveal and decide your self-portrait, which is the way you see yourself. The people around you paint the picture you have of yourself. The way you see yourself can determine what you pursue. The way you see yourself is more powerful. You will ALWAYS act like the person you think you are. What you keep hearing you will eventually believe. So again, surround yourself by positive people who uplift you! This is in regards to every relationship: family, friends, romantic partners. 

Men

As some of you have read on my FB, I have been kickin’ it with about 6 of my male friends all weekend. They are all Black, educated, good jobs with a 401(k), and cool. Four out of six are not married and have no kids, including my best male friend. All weekend they were talking about females in terms of: relationships, getting’ some, what females lack, what we don’t do, what we don’t understand about men, and what need men. From their insight these are some common quotes or themes:

-Men are only as faithful as their options. What they elaborated on about this is no matter if you are married or not, if a female looks hot and she “comes onto me” then more than likely it will happen. It will definitely happen if I know my girl/wife will NOT find out. It’s hard for a man to stay faithful and about 90% of men feel like this. Also, they like YOUNGER females, especially purely for a physical relationship.

-Woman should never pursue a man. If a man likes you then he will show it. Point blank.

-Men don’t really want to settle down. It’s hard for a man to settle down.

-Men are simple. All men talk about are sports, girls, and entertainment. Men get tired of us females telling them our daily play-by-play episodes.

-Men want women to be more self-sufficient. I heard that when they start dating a girl and she has to call him to help her fix everything or do everything, they get tired of that. Their thinking is what did you do before I came along? Soooo keep doing that. Don’t depend on me for everything.

-Women want a MAN to be a man but women today are not stepping up as women. They said my girl/wife wants me to mow the lawn and do all the outside work and is not mindful about giving me water while I’m doing all the outside work. Because when she’s cooking and I see dishes there I help her wash them. Basically, they say that women nowadays do not know how to cook/clean anymore when they expect us to do everything for them.

-They want a woman to hold a decent, intelligent conversation and not talk about “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”. They actually like intelligent women. Like from the movie Coming to American, Eddie Murphy said, “I want a woman to spark my intellect as well as my loins”.

-They like women to like sports. They like it when females like sports and can have  a conversation about sports. They think it’s cool and love it.

-To top it off they said what most women don’t understand is if you do what they feel is ‘nice’ (don’t nag, cook, have sex) then a man will WANT to do things for you without you asking him/telling him too.

Well at the end of the day I told them “Look, regardless, a marriage or whatever is a partnership, nothing more/nothing less”. I feel you look out for each other and support each other. You HAVE to be on the same page financially in order to spend, save, or invest. It’s a team. If we both work then if one cooks/cleans then the other does other chores, teamwork. It’s mutual investment into each other and the relationship, you are a team! If you do this and that then I should want to do this and that because we are both helping each other out to get to the same goals/objectives. It’s really not that hard to figure that out. They said “Not very women think like that and most women want us to do everything.” Well, maybe their not meeting the right women then? LOL IDK. Funny weekend to talk about this stuff all weekend with a bunch of dudes.

Pressure to Self-Preservation

I do not know if any of you Natives feel like this or have at some point, which is to pro-create with another Native based upon race/ethnic preservation?! According to the U.S. Census (2010), Natives represent about 1.7 % of the U.S. population. Out of this percentage 0.9% identified as being Native alone and 0.7% identified as being Native in combination with one or more races, thus resulting with a total of 1.7%. I have this thought about bloodline preservation for future generations and if I have a baby with someone other than a Native, then my familial bloodline will significantly decrease for future generations within my bloodline.

I was having a conversation with two newfound friends in NYC on my most recent trip and hey were Indian (from India) and were telling about the challenges of dating in their experience based upon culture. However, they said their whole lineage/bloodline/race did not depend on them so us as Natives have it billion times harder when thinking in that concept. I had to take a step back in thinking about this. It’s true! I mean I know I have consciously and subconsciously thought about this due to my previous blog stating I wanted to have a full-blooded Native baby regardless of who I am married to by either artificial insemination or adoption. This is a really tricky position to be in.  It’s estimated that from the 1490s when Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas to the 1890 massacre of Sioux at Wounded Knee by the United States military, the Native population of the Western Hemisphere declined, mostly from disease, from to 1.8 million from around 50 million, a decline of 96%. So let me restate that our population dropped from around 50 million to 1.8 million! We lost 96% of our population!! So, currently in the U.S. we only have 0.9% full-blooded Natives, which includes ME! I mean when I go out into mainstream population and I say I am full-blooded, people freak out because they are like, “WOW, I never met a full-blooded before!” It makes me feel good.

Although I date pre-dominantly Black men at this point, it does not mean I do not take heave heavily on these issues. Cultural, language, and self preservation does mean a LOT to me. I get caught between all these factors. At times, I wish it were not so complex, which I know love is love regardless of anything extra. However, I am a realist, and I do think about EVERY aspect of having a child, raising a child, and everything in-between. I think too much and analyze everything, which is probably why I am still single and not a mother YET! LOL Good-luck out there. I’m sure it’ll all work out for me in any choice I made because I waited years to make a great decision on such important issues and I am still waiting.