Too Controlling?

I remember as a kid my mom telling me “You go to school and get an education so you can become financially self-sufficient so you NEVER have to depend on a man.” Then, my dad teaching me to be a “strong” woman and telling me, “You will have to work much harder than anyone else because you are minority and you are a female.”

Also, I witnessed and still witness the way some of my male figures treated and treat their women. They were controlling, disrespectful, and dominant. I always told myself, “I would NEVER let any man treat me like that.”

Because of my experiences growing up with the fighting, competing, racism, and witnessing domestic issues, a lot of the times I define “being strong” as: not putting up with any bullshit, being aggressive, argumentative, and speaking my mind. However, I am learning that this is NOT the only way to be.

Because I have internalized those characteristics as “strength”, I have brought those negative traits into my relationship. Because I saw so many men disrespect my loved ones I believe I over-compensate on my “dealings” with men. For instance, if my boyfriend looks at another girl in front of me, I look at it as being disrespectful towards ME, and I lash out. I take everything personal that he does or says towards me and get mad at him. All because somewhere deep inside I didn’t want to be mistreated like my family members because my family members hardly spoke up and stayed in bad relationships. 

Therefore, I feel that if I am overly aggressive then I have “control” over my relationship for some reason. That would let my man know “I don’t put up with an bullshit” and he would not run over me, and that I would be in control. I tend to get upset, angry, and mad at EVERY little thing just to “prove” to myself that I am “strong.”

Then I sat back and had to think. My boyfriend said he wanted a “break” because he was tired of the “drama.” I was too tired of arguing and fighting. The joy of us having fun together was being diminished by re-occurring arguments. I had to re-think and re-adjust my mindset on what “strength” means to me all over again. Now “strength” to me in my romantic relationships is to not take everything personal, learn to truly trust he will not hurt me, and learn to trust him with my love. Because at the end all of my negative actions stems from fear of being hurt and lack of trust.