Daily stressors!

I continue to learn something about myself when trying to tell other people my story as to why I am the way I am and why I date the way I date. Sometimes when I speak I think “Wow, I just learned something about myself again.” I say this because as humans we are always growing and evolving each day whether we know it or not. This can be scary at times, especially being a Native female. You see, for me, growing up on the Rez, we are such humble and simple beings. Also, if you were born and raised on the Rez you know that change (internally and externally) occurs at such a SLOW rate, which is good and bad. I’m happy that we still keep our cultural traditions in tact and in that sense I’m glad that compared to other tribes we have not assimilated. We need to hold onto the core of who we are and I maintain that everyday. But, I have to vent a few daily re-occurring and past experiences. At this point of my life I feel so frustrated to the max and I just want to give a little insight of what I encounter on a day-to-day basis, which can ultimately affect my romantic relationships. Let me put a disclaimer that I am NOT complaining AT ALL and I do appreciate my accomplishments and my position in life, but it took AND still takes a lot of sacrifice, hard work, and compromising. 1. I feel in all my romantic relationships that I have been and still am the most financially stable and accomplished. I have been the main provider and the one who makes the most money out of any man I have dated. This is frustrating! I feel I have not had the opportunity to be truly provided for by a man. I am ALWAYS the one who holds it down. 2. In my work environment I experience the subtle/apparent discrimination and/or sexism on a day-to-day basis that can be mentally/emotionally draining as well. I work in a professional environment but also work in a national/international political environment. To see and experience the social injustices on a day-to-day basis can be a stressor. I feel I have a small outlet on this because there are few people who work/encounter the experiences I do. 3. This journey can be extremely lonely. I am the only grandchild who is pursuing their Ph.D and I feel at times my family does not fully understand me. I feel a lot of community/family members perceive me as “boozhy” and what not because I left the REz (to get an education and to help my people). Because I like to buy myself nice things as well they feel I am extra “boozhy”. However, if y’all knew me since childhood you can attest that I have ALWAYS been this way and my father was an educated lawyer who was able to provide me with nice things. I feel people see it as “Oh, she left the REZ and she act like such and such because she’s living a good life”. I left the REZ to get an education but still whole heartedly am doing/trying to help my family, community, tribal nations in every capacity to uplift us so yes I get angry at us too! I feel I am fighting enough alone but now I have to deal with negative perceptions/thoughts/words from my own people as well? Get tha fuck outta here with that BS. 4. Being one of the few Native Americans to be involved in the work I do with mainstream America, I feel I am always explaining myself as what it is to be me; a native and a female. This gets tiring too! Needless to say on a day-to-day basis my life can be tiring. To ALWAYS be strong! To always be alone without family around! To always be judged! To always fight to be you regardless if your conflicts stems from mainstream America or tribal situations. I feel as a Native female I fight day in and day out to be strong..because I am. But, to be strong and people to perceive you as that takes a financial, emotional, physical, and mental toll on you because you can only take so much from each facet of your life on a day to day basis. This is real. Again, I am not complaining at all. I feel I have paid the cost to be the boss and no one has room to judge me, especially my own family/community. I have worked my ass off, been broke as a mother fucka to get through college, spent countless hours in the library, and put up with a lot of external bullshit to be in the position I am blessed to be in. SO I feel I am mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually stronger than 90% of the population I encounter due to many experiences I have been through (I left out a whole lot but the ones I mentioned are more surface experiences and not in-depth). When this comes to my relationships and men, hell yeah I expect and need a lot for you to satisfy me, because when I am holding it down from a basic human encounters to an international level, I need someone to supplement my weaknesses when I do no feel strong. Where is my outlet? Why do we always have to be strong 24/7 with no break? Yes, I am TIRED, TIRED, and TIRED!