A male BFF

I have a male best friend. We became best friends because I met him through a former bestie of mine (me and that former bestie are no longer friends) and they used to date, kinda. My male BFF lives in the south and when I temporarily lived in the south he helped me out a lot by; taking me grocery shopping (I did not have a car), cooking for me, staying at his house on weekends, doing my laundry at his house, taking me to his buddy’s cookouts, etc. From that point on our friendship grew extra tight. I started calling him a LOT so he could give me relationship advice about all the knuckleheads I was dating. In fact, I still call him for random advice. He knows everything about me from my best to my worst! He’s college educated, tall, handsome, employed with a 401(K), good credit, no kids, and a homeowner. Sounds good on paper, right? We have lightly talked about how male/female friendships are difficult because someone may be attracted or develop romantic feelings for the other person. In reality, can you be best friends with the opposite sex if you’ve met them after the age of 25? I can understand if you’ve been friends since childhood, but if you’ve met in adulthood, then can true friendship exist without any of the romantic intentions? Or eventually will someone think or feel something outside those friendship boundaries? Last night I called my male BFF and asked him if he loved me (not in a romantic way but as a friend) and mind you, my male BFF is NOT a expressive man, in fact, he’s kind of emotionless. He told me, “Yes Bushy, I love you.” I was actually shocked he answered my question (lol) because we’ve been friends for 8 years and he rarely verbally expresses any kind of sentimental emotions. However, his actions do show he cares about me because I call him all hours of the night with a 3 hour time difference between us and he almost always answers my phone calls. He'll listen to me cuss, cry, vent, and blabber. Sometimes I talk about girl stuff and I wonder why he'll stay on the phone with me for as long as he does because he's a dude, and dudes don't normally do this, especially guys like him. I think we’ve both thought at some point “what if” we both crossed the line? Would our friendship be the same? Of course not, because once those lines have been crossed, then that door will always be open. I can’t imagine losing our friendship. I don’t want to put our friendship in jeopardy by doing/saying something that will make it awkward.

Dialogue between me, myself, and I.

This dialogue is not about a dialogue between me and a dude, but it’s strictly between me and myself and MAYBE between me and my community. As many of you may or may not know my tribe is going through some turmoil. In a nutshell, we are amidst of our tribal candidacy to elect the future Navajo Nation President and one of the main criteria is that the candidate speak fluent Navajo, which is our tribal law. One candidate is deemed as a young, innovative, educated man, but does not speak Navajo. The other is deemed as older, not with the times, a failed tribal leader being a previous Navajo Nation President, but speaks Navajo. Today my tribal court system stated the younger candidate cannot run for Navajo Nation Presidency due to his lack of speaking fluent Navajo. This has granted and enhanced a lot of dialogue. Personally, it is not about politics in my opinion.

In my personal position I have similar credentials as the young man who is running for tribal president. I am about to receive a Ph.D, passionate and knowledgeable about many issues facing our nation, experience in addressing such issues, and can definitely speak the “White” man language in an articulate demeanor, etc... However, would I never consider myself a true leader? I answer my own question as “No.” I only state this because I know where my weaknesses lie. In terms of being a tribal leader, bottom line is I do NOT speak fluent Navajo. I have recognized this as a huge barrier of granting MYSELF a true leadership position in a lot of capacities…not on anyone else’s standards, but merely my own. One time I went home and my cousin asked me, “How can you be a true leader if you do not speak the language? When you go into ceremonies and the songs and prayers and teachings are spoken, how do you interpret, understand or dialogue?” I cried. I was hurt. Even now I cry because she is right. I’ve also heard a lot in White man’s education that the fastest way to kill a culture is kill the language first. This made me think as to why the U.S. government stripped a lot of languages in Indigenous communities, because they knew it would eventually kill the culture and was a smart move on their part because it worked. In essence you cannot have culture without language. Language and culture are interchangeable. How can you speak to the world as a Native person if you cannot speak to yourself, family, water, mother earth, sky, animals, and our ancestors innately if it’s not in our own language? Language is medicine. Culture is our medicine.

In my heart and I will look at myself first in the mirror everyday and say to anyone who cannot speak their own language is probably not fit to be a leader, including ME.  A leader is speaking on behalf of the people, especially in our tongue. A leader WANTS to do that and will commit to it, because language is THE one thing who holds us true to WHO we are. It is the one thing that people cannot take away. It is the one thing that keeps us Native. It is the one thing that we communicate to not only humans but to our surrounding world, such as trees, plants, earth, etc..that keeps us balanced. It is what makes us Navajo. I, myself, even as a young Native professional would never think of myself as a leader. I have told my family (mom/dad/grandparents) that I do not speak the language fluently and that has been my biggest downfall. I have been humble enough to recognize that if and if I ever want to run for any leadership position that I have to challenge myself to learn the language….because in true essence OUR language is the heart of our spirit, our people, our communities. I am not writing about politics but I am writing about this to challenge me, you, and everyone to say that as YOUNG NATIVES we need to learn our language! It is vital to sustain our livelihood. As any true leader we should lead with the heart of our people, we should think about the spirit of our people and our ancestors, we should acknowledge with humility our weaknesses, and admit to them, only to better ourselves, so then we can in turn better our nations. This translates to us as to better our relationships intrinsically that will ultimately have a positive impact on all relations. My two cents anyway. 

Native Sacrifice

I talk a lot on my blog about being an educated, single, Native American woman. My birthday is coming up soon and will be around my mid 30’s. I reflect on my life and I think was my sacrifice worth it? I cannot truly answer that question with confidence. I only did what was instructed of my elders and my parents, which was to get an education no matter what. However, there was a cost associated to that. I think they did not think of the under hidden costs nor did I. For instance, right now I am crying my tears away yearning for family; my family at home or maybe one I could have created with a husband/child now, but I did not because I am too consumed with a goal. Being away from the reservation I frequently yearn for my family: I cry, I want to go home, I yearn for home, I cry alone because I think of home, I burn cedar, I pray, I go through so much alone that my family does not know of because I do not tell because I do not want them to worry based upon a goal that my grandparents, aunts/uncles, parents told me was important as a young kid. They told me you NEED to get an education for so many factors; to help you, your family, your community, Natives, Indigenous peoples, etc. I took their advice to heart. I sacrificed a lot doing it as well. I was the first grandchild of both my maternal and paternal families to pursue a Ph.D. I had to leave the REZ (Navajo reservation) in order to do so. Since I left I lacked learning so many Navajo cultural traditional teachings; songs, prayers, language, way of life. Now I lack many of those things to learn the “White” man’s way. I am about to excel in the White man’s world and I have with so many degrees behind my belt. However, I feel in a way my family is proud but in another way I feel they look at me different, in a way that is a person who does not wholly know or practice the Navajo way. Regardless, I feel I let them down in some form or fashion. My cousins and family make fun of me at times, not to hurt me intentionally (but it does) but to laugh about the way I pronounce Navajo words or how I lack language or do not understand it at times. That hurts me. About how I lack knowledge of Navajo practices. I feel lost because I pursued a path that was envisioned for me but yet I am also “chastised” for it at times. I am torn. Should I have stayed on the REZ? Should I have learned so much Navajo culture/language/tradition that is needed and education in comparison is not as important? I do not know! I feel I failed in a LOT of those areas and I exceled at some.  I cannot be in both places at once. I cannot. What to do? I know they are extremely proud because I will be the first Dr. in either families. I know they brag about me! But, as a Navajo woman I sacrificed a lot in order to be the educated one. I have endured a lot (institutionalized racism to start). White people also look at me and tried “kicking” me out of a higher education institution for unjustified reasons, even though I had a 3.9 GPA and I had to fight there too. I am fighting all the time I feel. At times can I just stop fighting? Can I stop fighting institutionalized racism or my community to just be ME?!! I feel at times do I belong here or there? My life is not perfect. Maybe people think I am “living THE life” by being single and doing me. I am doing well and it’s great because I am following what my family has prayed for…to be a future Dr. in the family, which is a HUGE accomplishment. However, this path is lonely. It is lonely because you are creating a path of your own for you, your family, and maybe future Native peoples. Right now, it feels super lonely. It is a sacrifice. It is scary. It is confusing. It is needed. I am walking alone. It involves blood, sweat, and tears…as I am bleeding, sweating, and crying now. This is the cusp of it so imagine bringing a relationship into this? Will most men understand (Native or non-Native)? Us Native women go through so much to prove ourselves....men do have it easier because you are men. One thing my father always told me and prepared me for was ... "You are always going to have it harder than anyone else because you are Native (minority) and you are a female...so I have to prepare you for a tough life." It is. 

Shopping & Men…Same difference?

When someone asks you what do you want in a relationship? What do you think? What do you say? Do you know what you want? I mean truly-truly want? If you cannot answer this question then I’m suggesting that maybe you do not know what you really want and maybe you are not ready to be in a relationship at this point.

I had a somewhat funny epiphany last week. Last week I went to Ross (dress for less) store and I had my shopping cart. I started walking around the store browsing for “whatever” because I was not looking for a certain item in particular, I was just looking. About 1.5 hours in the store my shopping cart was filled with a bunch of clothes (pants, skirts, blouses, dresses). I literally had like about 30 items in my cart. I tried each item on and either it did not fit or it fit but did not look or feel right. Out of all my items I only purchased one pencil skirt for $15.99. I mean I spent like almost 3 hours in one store and walked out with one item! What a waste of time I thought. Have you ever done this? My guess if you are a female and you like to shop then you probably have.

 After my time spent at Ross I started thinking of the analogy of shopping and men. When we shop and try on garments, it is the process of elimination. We buy what “fits” and that makes us look/feel fabulous! Could we say the same thing about men? Dating is the process of elimination; we date until we find what “fits” and make us feel fabulous!

As stated previously when I went into Ross I wasted a lot of time browsing for anything. I did not go in with an idea of what I wanted or needed. I feel my time could have been more productive if I thought,” I need more business/casual dresses because I own very few.” Then I could have went into Ross and looked only in those aisles and left.  Same about men I think. We need to look for what we want instead of taking our time browsing in wrong aisles searching for something we do not need. Have you ever noticed that when men shop they already know what they want/need and go right in and buy it and they are out of the store within 15-20 minutes? So ladies, evaluate your closets/drawers and when you go shopping next time, shop with distinction! Shop like you are at the flea market in Gallup looking for that turquoise necklace and you evaluate every aspect of the quality of it before you purchase it. You know that necklace is unique and you know the quality of it and so you want it but you thoroughly evaluate it beforehand! Ayyyyeeeee!
Anyways I LOVE shopping so I thought this would hit the nail in the head with you likewise fashionistas! P.S. On a shopping note I bought my first pair of vintage Chanel earrings *sigh*.

Females and Masturbation Part II

I have had quite a bit of feedback on this whole “Women & Masturbation” piece I wrote last week! This blog will touch on new thoughts and display comments from some of my blog readers on my Facebook page relating to my previous piece.

As a Native (again speaking for myself and not all Native females out there) I was taught to have a relationship with self that includes relationship to my body/mind/spirit. Once you have a positive relationship with self, then that is when you can have a positive relationship with others; family, friends, intimate partner, and community. And vice versa, if you have a negative relationship with self, then you are bound to have negative relationships with others. Therefore, I find it extremely important to know your body! In general, as females we HAVE to know our body in some form because we deal with things such as menstrual cycles, pregnancy, menopause, etc. Our bodies are complicated beings. For example, men have a natural physiological/biological hormone regulator so they do not have high hormone production because it is regulated, whereas females we do not have a natural hormone regulator, so our hormones go haywire at times. It is biologically/physiologically mandated for us to be hormonal whenever we want because we cannot help it (Yes, tell this little tidbit to your man!).

Ok, back to my point, which is if we spend that much time/effort understanding our bodies then I personally feel it is also important to know the intimate side as well. What turns you on? What doesn’t? What touch feels right? In what space? One person commented, stating, “When I did sexuality education nearly 20 years ago we used to talk about masturbation. Weird we can talk about sex as women, but not the art of self-pleasure. If we don't know what works for our own bodies, how will we know how to share these joys with our lovers?? No wonder many men are clueless.”  This Native female had a great point. Are we shy to talk about the art of self-pleasure? If we are shy, then how can we effectively communicate with our partner(s) about issues relating to “sex” or “sexual acts?” To me masturbation is merely knowing your body: it’s healthy, it’s normal, it’s pleasurable, it’s a safe alternative to practice abstinence! Once you get comfortable in this space then you can maximize the experience for yourselves and/or your partners as well. To verify my last sentence, a Native male stated he liked it when females masturbated “Bcuz it turns me on,when i see a woman masturbating... maybe its just me personally but im sure alot of men wouldnt mind watching... and also get turned on by it.”

 However, growing up none of my family members talked to me in-depth about “sex” or “sexual acts.” One of my questions was asked by a FB reader asking: “Dont you have a grandfather who is a medicine man? What does he say?” My grandparents/elders never talked about "sex" in terms of the act of it and how it affects our life. They of course talked a lot about self-respect and how that plays into every aspect of our lives, which I assumed included not having “sex” at an early age or having lots of sexual partners.

 At the end of the day I encourage each of you to consider being open to masturbation and open to communicating about it to your circle (female friends, daughters, nieces, moms, aunts, and partners). Because it is healthy, normal, pleasurable and safe (if done alone)!!

 P.S. here are a few comments that others have written on my FB page.

 Finally! Women were once thought of by cultures & societies to be the sexual aggressors, appetites for pure pleasure. Then things changed as women's sexual selves were silenced, controlled, violated, or defined by the non-female. It's about time for the ndn view!-DN (Native female)

 Interesting...I know our parents and grandparents didnt talk about it openly, however I was very open about the subject with my children. They were embarrassed of course but they know I am not embarrassed to talk about it. I agree, it all a part of life. –RG (Native female)

 In our Hopi/Pueblo society, sex is a topic at the dinnertable and at ceremony, participation by both young and old. I remember two years ago at a dance, the clowns rounded up all the young boys and girls in the plaza and told them they were going to have sex ed since their parents dont teach them. First they lined up the boys and brought out blow up dolls and taught them the art of oral sex and points of pleasure on a woman. the girls were given penis suckers and...well of course the parents and grandparents quickly grabbed their kids. good article tho.-JJ( Native male)

 

Augsut "meeting" ventures

#1. As I was crying in my fave bar to my BFF a male approaches me and says “You’re very pretty.” I look at him with watery and red eyes and I’m like REALLY, as my make-up is probably messed up too. Anyways he invites us to have a drink with him and his friends and for the next hour I have a blast. We exchange numbers. For the following next two days he asks me to lunch and both days I couldn’t make it. He patiently asks when I can and I said in 1.5 weeks I can. He calls me on a Wed. night (1.5 weeks later) wanting to see if I can meet up with him but its late notice and I can’t so I ask him can we wait until tomorrow? As we’re on the phone talking he tells me that I don’t seem like I am “prioritizing” men and I seem distant in general from relationships. I’m thinking this may be kinda true. This guys is 28 years old, has one child, and a chef at a new hotel/casino in Vegas. He seemed extremely nice. Next day, something comes up on my end and I end up canceling with him AGAIN. I felt bad and he no longer contacted me. Maybe I messed that one up, oh well.

 

#2. This was NOT by far a date or in any way shape or form or was it scheduled to be. Me and my girl were at our fave bar and there is this guy who my other homegirl knows. I am acquainted with this guy but do not know him. Mind you, he’s so NOT my type (as you know I only date men of color). Come to find out me, my girl, and him are all ASU Alumni! So we all start talking about the Las Vegas Chapter ASU Alumni Association and the related events. So, he asks for my number saying maybe we ALL should go and hang out (group thing..so I thought). Next thing you know later that night he texted me right off and our convo went like this:

 

Him: “Can I get you a pedicure tomorrow?”

Me:  I personally thought that was an odd thing to ask right off the back and I state, “Thanks, but I already got one two days ago.”

Him: “Oh, well can I treat you to dinner/drinks if you’re interested.”

Me: “I’m ONLY interested in being friends and I am always down to kick it with people who like sports and who want to have some drinks but on a cool basis, nothing more.”

Him: “I like sports so we can be cool, so can we meet up tomorrow?”

 

So I go and it was awkward. He was not as talkative and I tried to keep up a conversation about school/sports but at times it was like pulling teeth. I’m thinking I doubt I can kick it with him on a homie level because he’s too quiet and I doubt we can ever hang out unless there is a huge group, like an ASU Alumni event thing. He’s a nice guy and I am hoping we could be homies. He’s an ASU Alumni and a lawyer.

So the next day he texts:

 

Him: “It was good seeing you yesterday….we should go to an ASU Alumni event.”

Me: “Cool, they’re fun!”

Him: “Can I get you a pedicure Sunday?”

Me: S’up with this dude and feet I think and I state, “I hang out with my homegirl on Sundays and I don’t know what our plans are so I’ll have to pass.”

 

Ok, now this has turned creepy, lol! I mean is it me or is it weird a dude keeps sweatin’ me on him getting me a pedicure? Oh and he compliments me on my feet saying how my most recent one looks great. I think it’s odd all the way around. *Sigh*

 

This past year I’ve dated a doctor and a broker. I’ve met many professional men that were interested but I felt/feel that I couldn’t connect with them on a compatible/mental/emotional/ social level. With that being said I miss a certain someone from my past that I probably took for granted after meeting different men from all walks of life because he got me and understood me. Dating is soooo GRRRR…uggghhh….and WTF’s!! As a Native girl this is a small tidbit into my so-called “dating” life that I've experienced within the past two weeks. What are some of your random dating stories?

Females and Masturbation

I got your attention, didn’t I! I had a conversation with one of my supervisor’s yesterday evening (who is a Native female) and I was talking to her about my dissertation project, which is to adapt an evidence-based HIV/teen pregnancy/sexually transmitted infections prevention intervention for Native youth and pilot test it. Then the conversation led itself into Natives and “cultural belief” systems in terms of sex and sexuality. I told her that Navajo’s (my tribe) do NOT talk about two things; SEX and DEATH. Us Navajos (jawns) are extremely conservative when we discuss these issues, even when discussing the very surface of it (I can imagine some of my family members discomfort now). However, I feel I am not shy or reluctant to talk about these issues, but when I bring it up to family I can sense their uneasiness, so I stop talking about it. Why are us Navajo’s so uncomfortable with these topics?? (I cannot speak for other tribes)

 As for my supervisor, she told me that within her tribe they discuss sex and death because those two topics are a part of the circle of life. You have to have sex to bring life into the world and death is a part of living. These are natural entities that should be discussed and have no shame/fear/uncomfortableness because in a nutshell, it is all a part of LIFE. I completely agree!

 So this brings me into a subject area that I feel not many people discuss. I’ve read countless articles on the acceptance and promotion of male masturbation. However, there has been minimal promotion of female masturbation and/or maybe the acceptance or acknowledgement of it as well.

 WebMD (http://www.webmd.com/women/features/female-masturbation-5-things-know) stated “ Men may talk about it more often, but women do it, too. More than half of American women 18-49 masturbate at least once every 3 months, according to a study from The Kinsey Institute, and that’s true for single women and those who are coupled up. Self-pleasure doesn’t have the stigma it once did, says Nicole Prause, PhD, but myths still affect the way that some women feel about it -- and how they do (or don’t) touch themselves.”

 Also, according to WebMD, here are five things you should know about masturbation.

 1. It’s good for you.

Masturbating increases blood flow throughout your body and releases feel-good brain chemicals called endorphins. “That may explain why there’s a clear mood benefit, even if you don’t orgasm,” says Prause, a sexuality researcher at UCLA. And while men are more likely to talk about blowing off steam by masturbating, research suggests it’s a stress-reliever for both sexes. “It takes your mind [off your worries] while activating areas of the brain associated with pleasure,” Prause says.

 2. It improves your sex life.

Masturbation can make you sexually comfortable and confident. “It puts you in touch with your desires and gives you the chance to get to know your own body,” says sexuality educator Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD. “Experimenting with what feels good and makes you respond positively can lead to better sexual experiences, both alone and with a partner.” If you have trouble reaching orgasm, it’s a private, stress-free way to try different types of touch and pressure to see what helps you climax, Fulbright says.

 3. It can ease postmenopause sex problems.

Many women see changes during menopause. Masturbation can help, says Judi Chervenak, MD, a gynecologist at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City. “The vagina can actually narrow, which can make intercourse and vaginal exams more painful.” But masturbation, especially with a water-based lubricant, can help prevent narrowing, boost blood flow, relieve some tissue and moisture problems, and increase sexual desire, Chervenak says.

 4. It doesn’t have to be quick (or end with an orgasm).

The media may suggest otherwise, but masturbation isn’t just a “quickie” experience. That’s OK. “Rushing can make it less enjoyable, and so can focusing too much on orgasm,” Fulbright says. “Give yourself time to touch all parts of your body or try different positions, and don’t feel pressure to climax.”

 5. Toys can help.

Nearly half of women between the ages of 18 and 60 have used a sex toy like a dildo or vibrator, according to a survey by Ashley Leonard at Robert Morris University. If you’ve had trouble reaching orgasm and want to climax, a vibrator (which stimulates the nerve endings in the clitoris) may be helpful.Don’t worry whether it will lead to sex problems later down the line, Prause says. “Put simply, if it feels good, go for it.”

Not only are there benefits to masturbating, but it’s considered a safe form of sex (if you do it alone, that is, lol)! So ladies go get your toys (aye)! I felt the need to write this because this topic is consistently talked about and accepted when the male gender discusses it. However, it’s not as likely for women to openly discuss  this socially, especially Native women. All aspects of sex are a part of life and as a Native female I don’t feel we should inhibit ourselves to talk about such issues. This evening I am going to an event that is an intimate talk on sex and sexuality, which includes discussions on the role of culture, gender and the media play in shaping our sexual identities. I should have lots more to say next week on related subject matters. Stay tuned and stay safe!