Single during New Year's Eve

Ladies, ladies, ladies...if you are sad because you don't have a special someone to spend NYE with, then you better check yourself. People get too caught up in the mindset of being with someone "just to have someone", especially for the holidays. Let's fallback and recollect this mindset for a minute. First, celebrating NYE alone can be a good thing because we are bringing it in with someone we love, ourself, and there is nothing more real than that. Remembering to love ourselves with a strong imposition on knowing that we do NOT need a man to make us happy and our happiness does not stem from a man, but within ourselves is a powerful mindset. With that, start your New Year off with that powerful mindset instead of a self-pity one. Again, let me state, start your New Year thoughts with a powerful mindset. Your thoughts, your intuition, your brain is a powerful entity that we need to respect and hold value to it. Our value involves how we think about ourselves and please do not bring that negative energy into YOUR New Year. Be positive. Bring light. Be patient. Also, understanding the notion of timing is important. Meaning, you were JUST not meant to be with someone at this point of your life. When it is your time, it will happen. I remember when I was doing my PhD work and it took me 6 years to complete my program. I was down and out by being hard on myself when I was at year 5 and told my male relative, "Man, I've been in this program for  5 years and I'm still not done." My relative told me, "It's not your time for whatever reason, be patient, it will happen when it's your time." What do you know, year 6 I graduated and got an amazing postdoctoral fellowship working under the second best researcher in the world at UCLA School of Medicine. I believe the same will happen with me and my future partner. I believe I will be with someone who is the best for me. In the meantime, my date tomorrow will be one of my besties. We will laugh, dance, drink and make amazing memories that we will share for the rest of our best lives! Cheers my sisters! Let's toast with optimism and powerful thoughts to the New Year! -Love Peace and Frybread Grease from your single and fabulous Native Sister!

Merry-Go-Round

Females, when you are seemingly immune to relationships because "you good." Maybe "you good" because you've been single for so long, not looking, have found a comfortable formula for getting yours, have not been emotional available. We get it, "you good." There's no pressure from your inner self, from your family and external persons to get involved in a relationship...you just know that "YOU GOOD." Then men seem to gravitate towards that -self confidence, self goodness, self I don't need a man- type vibe meaning that you're not giving them the standard male perception of female standard "pressure." They state how much they like your "Man Like" traits by not being too emotional. Then, they become insecure because you're too "Manly" emotionally because you're not trying to catch feelings and/or be in a relationship. Then men get engaged, intrigued, and maybe even "challenged." SO men give you all their attention and you give into their engagement, intrigue-ness, attention and then you become "real." The transition is likely to happen. And because the dude has consistently conveyed he liked you all this time for your dude like characteristics and then after all that you  start to show some type of emotion, then he does not like you no more after all that. He then proceeds to portray you as "those" normal females at the end of the day, after ALL that. Isn't this a merry-go-round? All I can do is laugh at this scenario my sisters.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder, jini'

Although I agree wholeheartedly with your comments, I think the Native community needs to be aware of NPD. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have been with my Native man for 39 years it wasn't until 2012, I realized he was not the man I married. Clean cut, handsome, very stable, a hard worker. As the decades have passed and our children, grandchildren were no longer in need of a caregiver. My disabled brother regained enough strength to live on his own. My parents long since passed on along with my aunt who had no children of her own. I learned words such as "gaslighting" "covert narcissism" "hovering" "crazy making" the list goes on. I always pushed back the feelings I had after each shouting match. I read something early this morning that explained emotional abuse very clearly for me. This is for adults because children it is different. There is an unwritten contract between the victim and abuser. The abuser projects onto the victim his/her hurts. See the abuser REALLY BELIEVES their small problem was made much bigger by the victim. The victim feels they need to help the abuser to feel better. That is the victim's role to help the abuser change. But the abuser will never change or at least the cards are stacked against them. This type of abuse is growing in America. I plan on researching why, see I have four grandchildren that need to be aware of such trickery. There are many books, facebook pages & live groups to join. The victims of this type of abuse are severely emotionally, mentally and physically adhered for life. I suffer from chronic pain, multiple sclerosis, arthritis, depression and anxiety. Now looking back I wonder all the operations, pills, chemo, IV drip therapies, counseling sessions, and PTSD were from nearly four decades of physical and emotional abuse. Please google these keywords and go into the light of all the therapies and groups that are listed. You will learn that it isn't you! It never was you! It has nothing to do about you!

I did not write this post above. A person who read my blog and posted on it the comments section wrote this piece above responding back to a blog I wrote discussing Native women feeling unworthy in relationships. 

However, this blog above touches on very important points of red flags. When the abuser makes you feel like the abuser while making himself the victim. This is so real! Have you ever dated a dude that no matter what, he made you feel like you're trippin'? Ok, sometimes ladies, let's be real, at times we do and those are valid. However, have you ever dated a dude who CONSISTENTLY made you feel that you were trippin'? Ok, that's a red flag (mmmhmmm). I'm having flashbacks of my experiences. Emotional abuse is REAL. We need to recognize those acts and not make excuses. She stated her adverse physical health conditions. Mind you, our stress manifests itself in many ways, and impacts on our physical health is a real outcome of bad relationships, whether it is romantic, work related, family, etc...Unhealthy relationships, no matter what type, are red flags.

The woman above used terms, such as  "gaslighting" and "covert narcissim" which are all valid terminology. However, to keep it simple and basic as a mothafucker, if the relationship makes you sad-cry-question-doubt-depressed-etc, then listen to your gut instinct, because you're probably right! Listen to yourself. Bottom line, you'll know the boundary of relationships if the bad outweighs the good. You'll know. Trust yourself. Don't doubt yourself. Until next time ladies - Love, Peace, and Mutton Grease!

Being Single and Fabulous

First off I have to say I"m sorry I have not posted in a minute. My fellow women who follow my blog have been asking me to write something as y'all apparently love this blog thing I do, and I'm very appreciative!

I'm sitting here reflecting on my life by a white sandy beach, clear blue water, and (OH!) don't forget the mimosa in my hand ladies. WOW! I must say my life has been a roller coaster of interesting and also...I don't know the word for this but a single woman adventure. You see, I have worked/lived in dual cities since 2016, for 3 years now. First at UCLA in Los Angeles and now at University of West Florida in Pensacola, FL. I have spent a lot of time alone while living and traveling between two cities for work. Through this time I have found out a LOT about myself.
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By the way, a brief moment of my past. I remember when I was a BROKE-ASS college student at ASU at the age of 20 something, and barely had $20 to my name, I was driving in downtown Phoenix in my Honda Accord. I saw a red Mercedes Benz next to me at the red light. I thought to myself, "I want a Mercedes, my dream car, I will get one - one day, I will not be broke, and I will make it, and when I do, I'm buying me a Benz." Today, I own both a Benz and a Jaguar and a house. (Disclaimer: This is NOT about bragging, it's about going through a REZ journey and believing you CAN do it too!). Believe me I worked and still work my a** off to be able to do what I do, and still have visions for myself to be more successful. This vision doesn't stop.

1. I enjoy my own company and I am my own best friend. Being alone as much as I am, I have in a way no choice but to enjoy myself. I take myself out to dinners, concerts, shopping sprees, extravagant travels, and buy myself expensive things like a Jaguar. I sometimes think how a Native girl like me made it to live the life I live now? I often think it's surreal.

I remember when I was living in LA, Jill Scott had a concert at the Hollywood Bowl and no one could/wanted to go with me. (P.S. I"m a huge Jill Scott fan!) So I took an uber to Hollywood Bowl as I knew I would have wine at the concert. And my uber driver was pretty hot and we talked a lot and we exchanged numbers, LOL, which is besides the point. I went to the concert, ALONE, and sat by two wonderful people, a Black mom and her daughter. I ended up becoming friends with them and so I never felt alone. The air was perfect because it's an outside venue, Jill Scott was perfect because - she just is -, my unknown befriended company was perfect, my wine was perfect - Merlot -, and my uber drive was perfect because he was fine. This is a perfect example of a "Bushy date." My advice to women are just enjoy being alone, being single isn't a negative thing! In fact to me, I'm living my best life ladies!

2. Dating. When you're single, confident, and comfortable in your own BROWN, NATIVE skin, men notice! Well, let me say this correctly, non-intimidated, confident men notice (those are the kind we want ladies)! You attract what you give off. There's energy that you exude that let men know you're confident, you're comfortable being alone, you don't necessarily need them, and you being happily single lets them be more honest. When men find you exude an amount of neediness, insecurity (financially or emotionally), etc..I feel they are more prone to take advantage of that- and they will - (those conniving bastards).

My premise of this blog is it's okay to be single, go out and enjoy yourself and don't feel insecure about having dinner alone, going to concerts alone, going to clubs/lounges alone, traveling alone! Do you BOO's! -Love, Peace, and Mutton Grease

How "down" are you?

As a person of color, "how down are you?" In multiple ways this has been a question we're always asked indirectly or directly, in different spaces, multiple times. For me, it's not always asked of me, but it's what I do indirectly. Do I go to ceremonies? Do I know my language? Do I go back to the Rez often? Am I connected to my community? Do I know how to make frybread? Do I work with Natives? Yes-I do all of those things because that's me, before the professional me has evolved. When I state, professionally, it seems when you reach a certain "level" of professional stature or economic stature in your life, people often want to know if you're a "sell-out" or not, which is understandable, because before I "made it", I often wondered the same about folks from my family and/or community. How down are you? This is often a general encounter in our community of what contexts are involved in that aspect. However, others do involve physical aspects. Can you chop wood? Haul water? Use the out-house? And...maybe even whoop someone's ass, if needed.

A person of color and how down they are has been a position I believe every person of color has been situated in, in some form or fashion. Your people want to know you haven't forgotten who you are or where you come from, which is definitely understandable. I get it. I respect it. I acknowledge it.

However, then when does "how down are you?" compromise yourself in a situation? What if you have to scrap to prove that? How does that possibly impact your career or where you're at in your life?

I had an interesting situation happen to me today. I met an LA-ish man of Hispanic descent. We talked for about an hour. Towards the end of our conversation, he started calling me "bougie", telling me in reference to talking to me stating "I don't talk Caucasian", telling me I probably only have friends who's names are "Becky, Tom, Kevin", telling me "I live on the good side of the tracks." Why all that? Because I may talk proper? Because he recognized my designer purse/wallet/shoes? Because he saw me drive my Jaguar (which he mentioned)? I felt side-way offended in a way but I also thought, hey, us, as persons of color, we always are know we are not White, and among our own communities or other communities of color, how much we're judged just as much-if not more at times. This man does not know me or how many fights I've been in, or what decisions I made to be where I'm at, what I did to be where I am, what I've sacrifice to be where I am, or how I grew up, or who my friends are-and my friends are not the Becky's, Kevin's, or Tom's. Just because I don't talk like a "hood-rat" or a "gang-banger" does not mean I'm not down. I can still scrap on the drop of a dime and protect myself. Currently, me being down may not be as physical as I once was, but it means being an advocate for your people in a space we're not always visible. Being vocal and present about political issues to truly make a change in our persons of color world. However, I could still whoop a bitch's ass, if needed, but I don't need to do that, LOL~! End of story, no matter what, we always have to prove ourselves to our communities and to White people on both ends of the spectrum.

P.S. These types of situations deeply impact my relationships because I prefer a man who can understand my daily lived experiences of having to live in dual and multiple worlds 100% of the time. I need a man of color I can vent to and state, "I know I'm a professor and research doctor and am a professional BUT I come from this community-and that, to where it's different, and we do have to be not a sell-out and still be down...."

Intimidation, Fear, Confusion

When you get a bit older, a bit more established career and financially, and know the direction you want your life to go, intimidation-fear-confusion may integrate into your feelings. Everything is going the way you want so you become "scared" to mess up that direction with something as uncertain as a partnership. Love and relationships are not always guaranteed to be sustainable. Therefore, for someone like myself, it becomes a huge gamble that I'm not exactly sure that I want to take. The stereotype may be that men are usually filled with these uncertainty symptoms that I'm talking about, but as a female, I'm exhibiting those same type of symptoms. I've been single for about 5 years. Meaning, my last long-term, significant relationship was 5 years ago, but I have dated people these past 5 years, obviously. I"m not a hermit, LOL. I know I use my career as an excuse to avoid "dating." My career and my time I input into it definitely take priority but I have met one guy in the past 5 years that became a priority too. But, it ended, like the same old story goes. Currently, I have a great prospect. We dated 4 years ago for a few months....like 9 or 10 according to him because I could not remember how long we dated, which is bad. Dating him was not bad but I was thought he was my "rebound" guy and I really did not think of him as a long-term person. Plus, he moved out-of-state, so that is the reason why we ultimately stopped seeing each other. This guy and I have always been cool, texting now and then, and I'll see him around when he visits Las Vegas. He moved to build his career and I have been doing me in my career.

The background of this guy: handsome, man-of-color, college educated from a Big 10 school, about 5"11" in height, no kids, never been married, early 40's, great full-time job-plus owns 2 up and growing businesses (including a weed dispensary), home owner, good credit, loves watching football and basketball, and likes to travel (especially to sporting events). He is a great catch.

He has been texting me LOT lately, daily. I am flattered, indefinitely. We both are career focused and have a lot in common. But, I'm hesitant for some reason. Maybe I am intimidated to like someone or love someone again, that I just shy away from it as a defense tactic. And maybe I'm also fearful of liking someone or loving someone because I know the possible outcomes due to personal experience. Or maybe I'm just confused that I am not sure of what I want. Or maybe it is everything meshed in one complex ball! I know I want to do well in my career and I do not want a person to get in my way of that. LOL, I am sounding a bit dramatic right now, I know. But, LADIES, do you remember when you were crushed with hurt in a relationship? Or you had anxiety due to your relationship because you did not know what to do with your piece of s*** man? I just think of all that mess I once dealt with and think, "Oh geez, I choose to not put myself in that position again."

Hi, my name is Crystal and I'm intimidated, fearful, and confused about this whole dating thing.

Do Native Women Feel Unworthy of Love?

I had a thought triggered while watching "Being Mary Jane" about my own life and the Native community at-large. Do Native women also feel not worthy of being loved and in a good relationship? Too often we see Native women being in abusive relationships. Too often we see Native women experience sexual assault and violence, and are those experiences permeating into our mental unconsciousness? Do we feel we are unworthy of love, a good and healthy type of love.

I have experienced being verbally and physically abused in a relationship, so I can understand some of my personal psyche. At the time I was young and did not know better. I thought maybe this is how love is supposed to be? I was naïve. I was clueless. I was in love. I dealt with a lot. However, I knew that what I was experiencing was not right - it did not feel right and I cried a lot.  I know for a fact that 90% of Native or more experience or have experienced verbal and/or physical abuse. If this is considered a norm in our community, how do we change it? How do we talk about it? In our community, talking about domestic violence is considered taboo, because we do not want to "rat" out people who do wrong things. We do not expose what is going in our household. However, that could be considered part of the issue. At the end, do you feel as a Native woman should you receive the best?

I also had an enlightenment from my own thoughts. Personally, I have been challenged with the rough world of academia. The academy constantly tells, especially women in color in science, that we are not smart enough-good enough-well trained enough. I wonder if the consistent harsh environment has seeped through my psyche unconsciously as well? In some aspects, it's as if the whole world is telling you that you're not good enough and how does that impact our personal relationships? How does it impact mine? Or does it? (A question I have to ask myself)

When we find a good man, do we also possess that imposter syndrome? The imposter syndrome is a thought that we are an imposter and do not belong here and this term is often used in people of color who are in academia. As Native women, do we psych ourselves out by finding something wrong with a good man because he is too good, and make excuses for the not so good men because that is our norm? If we do, then how do we change our personal framework and demand-expect-receive-believe better?